Pressure

Pressure, pushing down on me Pressing down on you, no man asks for...
-David Bowie / Queen

But you will come to a place Where the only thing you feel
Are loaded guns in your face And you'll have to deal with Pressure
-Billy Joel

Pressure isn’t fun. It can be exhilarating at times, and some of us claim to work better under pressure. While that may be true, over time constant pressure can break us down and rob of us of our mental and even physical health and well being. What pressures are we - consciously or otherwise - putting on our spouses because of our ideas about love?

The notion that romantic love could completely satisfy us is pervasive in all our media. We are told over and over that somewhere out there is *one* person that will complete us, that will make us whole. Love songs, romance novels and movies all trumpet that out there somewhere is our “soul mate,” and if we could just find that person all would be well; endless bliss, happily ever after. The idea of a “soul mate” is a pagan concept, rooted in ancient Greek mythology. In Plato’s The Symposium there is a story about how the first humans had four arms and legs, and two faces. Zeus, fearing their power, split them in two and condemned each to search endlessly for the other half. While dating then, we put undue pressure on ourselves to find that one... and once married we put a lot of pressure on our spouse; we expect them to be our everything, to fulfill our every need, to be our lover, our best friend, our confidant, our biggest cheerleader. In the rush of new love, it may feel that way but it can lead to unhealthy dependence, especially if we tie our identity to the relationship, and *expect* changes to *need.* Mark Gungor, pastor, couples’ counsellor and stand-up comedian said, “If there was one person on earth that could fulfill all your needs, God would make sure that person stayed AS FAR AWAY FROM YOU AS POSSIBLE!” Why? Because God wants to fill that void within us, to complete us, to satisfy our needs and wants. At first glance this seems unromantic; it’s contrary to every love song we've ever heard!  It is, however, liberating. 2 Corinthians 9:8 says:

And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.

Make no mistake - loving your spouse as best you can is included in that good work you are called to. If you and your spouse are both looking to God to “complete” you, that takes all the pressure off each other - pressure that is unrealistic and self-defeating anyway. We can’t complete another person, or satisfy another person’s every want and need. We are finite and imperfect ourselves! With the pressure off, we are free to love our spouse because we want to, because we choose to, not because they expect or need us to. Relying on God’s strength and following Christ’s example we can love our spouses better than we ever could on our own.

When two people intentionally and continually put each other’s needs before their own, when they make it a point to forgive slights and hurts, forget misdeeds and overlook imperfections, when they choose every day to love unconditionally... then a successful marriage is virtually guaranteed.

Following Biblical truths, ANY TWO PEOPLE can make marriage work.

Devotion

It says in Proverbs 5:18-19:

Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer, may her breasts satisfy you always, may you be intoxicated always with her love.

Every marriage eventually reaches the disillusionment stage, when reality sets in. Expectations are not met, hopes are unfulfilled. It is easier at this stage to believe that what we don’t have must be better than what we do; but the grass is not greener. It is a trick of the eye - or more to the point a trick of the heart and mind. It plays upon that aspect of human nature that always wants what it doesn’t – or can’t – have. Humans tend to be lazy, to not want to do the work required to transform what we have into what we want; especially if that involves changing ourselves.

When we took our vows though, we said some variation of “Until death do us part.” If we meant what we said, then we must remain devoted to our spouse, committed to making the marriage we have work – for both people! When our devotion wanes, when we start to believe the lie that it is better “out there,” we stop enjoying our life. That runs counter to what Solomon writes in Ecclesiastes 9:9.

Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your life that are given you under the sun.

I've heard it said that "women marry men thinking the men will change – and they don’t - while men marry women thinking the women won’t change – and they do." It is important for everyone to accept their spouse for who they are, and not pine for who they were, or yearn for who they could be. Love your spouse for who they are each minute - for all their virtues sure, but also with all their quirks and flaws. In Mark Twain’s “Diaries of Adam and Eve” both protagonists come to this conclusion in their own way.

Eve writes “The garden is lost, but I have found him, and am content.” She then goes on for pages trying to figure out why she loves Adam, listing many of his qualities and stating that she admires him and is proud of him for these - but they are not why she loves him. She states finally, “I think I love him because he is masculine, and he is mine.” He is Adam, and for her that is enough.

Adam, being a guy, comes to his epiphany in far fewer words. At her grave he remarks, “Wheresoever she was, there was Eden.”

If you have drifted, take the time to once again DEVOTE yourself to your spouse. Recognize that God put the two of you together for a reason, and do everything in your power to make the best of what you’ve been given. Do it well, and the grass on the “other side of the fence” will look far less green.

Service

Marriage vows are a covenant between two people before God, but some people see it more like a contract. The differences seem minor but in reality are enormous – in fact, a contract and a covenant can be seen as diametrically opposed.
> In a contract, each party seeks to protect his or her rights while at the same time limiting their liability. A contract then, is at its root self-serving. I think of celebrity unions with elaborate pre-nuptial agreements to protect assets; not exactly a picture of love expected to last forever.
> In a covenant however, one voluntarily forfeits his or her rights while taking on liability. In the context of marriage, that means each spouse is vowing that the other person will always – unconditionally - come first in their hearts, minds and actions.

Think of God in his covenant with us. Did he demand our love and worship? Did he worry about whether or not he would get his due? Did he wait for us to love him before loving us? No. Romans 5:8 tells us

While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Now think of marriages. How many end in divorce because of selfishness? How many break up because one party or the other is worried about their rights, or the treatment they deserve? How many married couples “fall out of love” or “drift apart” or “become different people” from when they first met, and so they go their separate ways? If both spouses are focused on God and on serving one other, there can never be “irreconcilable differences” that cause the union to be broken. When the focus of both partners is right, then as it says in 1 Corinthians 13:8

Love never fails.

Still, some may feel that they have been given up on, and even though they want to work to make their marriage work their spouse does not. Do not be discouraged! Only God can change their heart, but you can still love them. In 1 Peter 3:1-2 the apostle tells us

…that even if some of them do not obey the word, they may be won over by their spouse’s conduct, when they see the purity and reverence in their lives.

Relationships are never static. They are always in motion, going forward or backward, getting better or worse. If a marriage is in a downward spiral, one act of unconditional love might be all that it takes to reverse that trend and get things moving in a healthier direction. The challenge then is to intentionally, deliberately let go of whatever you think is “owed” you, and just give. If your spouse is having a bad day (week or month) drop whatever you are doing and give your whole-hearted support. Comfort and love them. Let them know you have their back; always, come what may. If your spouse is not loving you in the ways you need to be loved (everyone - read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman) instead of harping or nagging, instead of fuming and seething and resenting, just love them in the way they need to be loved; see if that changes things for the better.