Proverbs 22:6 says “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.” As discussed last month, the subtle meaning lost in translation is that each child is different, and thus so is “the way they should go.” This holds true for all people, even into adulthood. Each of us is “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14) with a unique set of personality quirks and flaws, dreams, wants and desires. Each of us is also ‘built’ to give and receive love differently. Gary Chapman explores this in his book The Five Love Languages. Each person has one main one, and some mix of the other four languages. Chapman defines the five as Quality Time, Acts of Service, Gifts, Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch. There is a quiz online that you can take to find out what yours is at https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/
The danger in knowing which language your spouse ‘speaks’ is thinking that you know then how to love them. Using the language metaphor, knowing someone speaks Swahili is a long way from knowing how to speak to them and be understood in their native tongue. Obviously, you still need to learn their language, especially if it is different than yours! Even if you share a language, it goes without saying that you probably are fluent in different ‘dialects.’ The good news is you probably share the same actual, spoken language, and can discuss what loving - and being loved - means to each other.
Since every human is unique, each of the five languages has an infinite number of dialects. A husband who knows his wife has “acts of service” as her main love language might think he is loving her by taking care of her car; changing the oil, checking the tires, keeping it clean, etc. Cars are important to him, and therefore he believes he is loving her. She might not care about the car though, but would be thrilled by him vacuuming and doing the laundry. A husband with words of affirmation as his language might not be moved by his wife telling him directly she finds him attractive (she values attractiveness, and thus thinks commenting on his appearance is loving him). He would beam though, to see her praising his fatherhood skills or ability to fix things on social media. We all come into marriage with prejudices, predilections and predispositions… the only way to find out what your spouse’s are is to talk with them.
The last wrinkle in this is figuring out how to ‘speak’ your spouse’s language in all aspects of your lives together. Ask yourself how can acts of service manifest when planning date nights? How can gifts be given without spending money. How many different ways can words of affirmation be given? How many different media can they be used in? How can physical touch be incorporated into activities that *aren’t* sexual? Conversely, how can the other four languages be brought *into* the bedroom?
Proverbs 18:15 says:
The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge, for the ears of the wise seek it out.
Marriage is ordained by God to be for a lifetime, so that we have as long as possible to learn about our spouses. Understanding what their love language is should be an early lesson, as it is foundational to figuring out how to love them as they want and need. Mastering that language should be an ongoing pursuit. Their dialogue is unique to them, and alive! Like all languages, new words are added and old words fall out of use. Like marriage itself, undertaking “language lessons” is a choice you must make - over and over - as long as you both shall live.
