Service

Marriage vows are a covenant between two people before God, but some people see it more like a contract. The differences seem minor but in reality are enormous – in fact, a contract and a covenant can be seen as diametrically opposed.
> In a contract, each party seeks to protect his or her rights while at the same time limiting their liability. A contract then, is at its root self-serving. I think of celebrity unions with elaborate pre-nuptial agreements to protect assets; not exactly a picture of love expected to last forever.
> In a covenant however, one voluntarily forfeits his or her rights while taking on liability. In the context of marriage, that means each spouse is vowing that the other person will always – unconditionally - come first in their hearts, minds and actions.

Think of God in his covenant with us. Did he demand our love and worship? Did he worry about whether or not he would get his due? Did he wait for us to love him before loving us? No. Romans 5:8 tells us

While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Now think of marriages. How many end in divorce because of selfishness? How many break up because one party or the other is worried about their rights, or the treatment they deserve? How many married couples “fall out of love” or “drift apart” or “become different people” from when they first met, and so they go their separate ways? If both spouses are focused on God and on serving one other, there can never be “irreconcilable differences” that cause the union to be broken. When the focus of both partners is right, then as it says in 1 Corinthians 13:8

Love never fails.

Still, some may feel that they have been given up on, and even though they want to work to make their marriage work their spouse does not. Do not be discouraged! Only God can change their heart, but you can still love them. In 1 Peter 3:1-2 the apostle tells us

…that even if some of them do not obey the word, they may be won over by their spouse’s conduct, when they see the purity and reverence in their lives.

Relationships are never static. They are always in motion, going forward or backward, getting better or worse. If a marriage is in a downward spiral, one act of unconditional love might be all that it takes to reverse that trend and get things moving in a healthier direction. The challenge then is to intentionally, deliberately let go of whatever you think is “owed” you, and just give. If your spouse is having a bad day (week or month) drop whatever you are doing and give your whole-hearted support. Comfort and love them. Let them know you have their back; always, come what may. If your spouse is not loving you in the ways you need to be loved (everyone - read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman) instead of harping or nagging, instead of fuming and seething and resenting, just love them in the way they need to be loved; see if that changes things for the better.

'Dating' your spouse

Almost every advice column on “marriage strengthening” or “rekindling romance” or “spicing up your love life” gives the same advice – schedule date night – as if just having it penciled in on the calendar will unlock all the passion of the early stages of a relationship. In light of how hectic life can be, it is important to make time for each other, but without an attitude adjustment in both partners, no lasting change is likely to occur.

In Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff in Love, Richard and Kristine Carlson point to “in love” teenagers as role models in two very specific areas. Adults often dismiss the love felt by teens as shallow, immature and somehow not real, but it often has two hallmarks that are invaluable to lasting, committed relationships:
* The first is attentiveness. Young lovers tend to focus all their attention on their significant other, and are always actively seeking ways they can express their affection, through words and actions.
* The second hallmark is enthusiasm. There is an energy about these relationships that makes everything seem exciting, that makes the smallest gesture seem like a gift. In marriage, does the familiarity that comes with being together for an extended length of time have to kill that joy? No… but it certainly can if one or both spouses stop actively investing themselves in the relationship.

Both partners must maintain the mindset that they need to win the other's heart, and continue to date each other holding back no effort in that quest. Pull out all the stops! Act as if nothing is more important than making your spouse feel loved – because nothing is more important!
If you’re wondering whether the effort will be worthwhile, consider Proverbs 11:24-25

Some give freely, yet grow all the richer
Others withhold what is due, and only suffer want
A generous person will be enriched
And one who gives water will get water

Guys, when was the last time you went all out to really sweep your wife off her feet?
Ladies, when did you last let your husband know - in no uncertain terms - that you wanted him?
If you have not been fully present in your marriage, or have been withholding part of yourself, your effort, attentiveness or enthusiasm, read the words of the apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:5

Do not deprive one another except by mutual agreement for a time
to devote yourselves to prayer, and then come together again

We are called to give ourselves fully and completely to our spouses. Marriage is not a “50-50” situation, but “100-100” – each gives all to the other. What does that look like? How can that transform a relationship? Are you willing to try it and see?