A leadership guru (Darren Hardy) recently posted a video on six behaviors that lead to longevity; not metaphorical, or abstract, but things that actually lead to living longer. I think that many of these behaviors can be adapted or looked at in such a way as to lead to longer (and happier) marriages as well.
The last I’ll relate to marriage longevity is community.
In Darren Hardy’s video, he actually pointed to a study that suggested moderate consumption of alcohol was an ingredient for longevity. There have been studies done on the positive impact of a single glass of red wine after dinner… but the study he was drawing from went even deeper, and determined that a glass or two of beer or wine CONSUMED WITH FRIENDS was the secret. He mentioned in another one of his points that avoiding despair was key to longevity, and specifically talked about how humans are a social species, ill suited to live disconnected from others. This of course tracks with biblical wisdom.
There are multiple places in the new testament where we are commanded to interact with “one another.” Bear one another’s burdens. Pray with one another. Wash one another’s feet. Break bread with one another. Love one another. Jesus actually tells his disciples that this is the sign by which the world will recognize them as his. In John 13:35 he says
By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
We can do nothing with “one another” if we are disconnected from others, doing life on our own. We must live in community to carry out these commands. In our technological age, we have access to the sum of all human knowledge and achievement, and can connect with anyone around the world - but these connections are superficial and can’t satisfy the need for human contact, the need for us to belong that is so critical to our functioning.
Abraham Maslow was one of the founders and driving forces behind the discipline of psychology. He codified and stratified the levels of human needs, organizing them into a pyramid with the ones on the bottom needing to be met before we can seek to fulfill the more complex needs. The pyramid starts with basic needs like food, water, and warmth, then shelter - security and safety. On the next level is belonging and love, human relationships. These needs must be met before the ‘self fulfillment’ needs atop the pyramid can be sought. Thus, to live the lives God meant for us to live, to be the people he created us to be and do the work he has set before us to do, healthy human relationships are key.
To apply this to marriage longevity, think about your relationship with your spouse; do you truly believe and act as if you are on the same team? Do you seek to live out all the ‘one another’ commands in respect to your husband or wife? Do you rejoice when they rejoice, and mourn when they mourn? Do you check in with one another often, seeing how they are doing with regard to the hectic day to day schedules and responsibilities that we all face? For those of us who are married, that relationship takes priority among all earthly relationships. It must be strong if we are to go out to do our kingdom work, and be that picture of God’s love to the fallen world.
Taken to the next level it is also important to have a circle of married friends around you that believe in the sanctity and importance of marriage! We don’t need cynics and skeptics that will echo the world’s view that marriage is no longer relevant… we need people that will affirm God’s view and purpose, that will keep us accountable and grounded, keep our perspective broader than our singular personal needs and wants. None of us are in this alone, and having married friends to share our struggles with (and our successes!) helps us to continue to grow in our faith and continue to make our marriages better and stronger.
