Language Lessons

Proverbs 22:6 says “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.” As discussed last month, the subtle meaning lost in translation is that each child is different, and thus so is “the way they should go.” This holds true for all people, even into adulthood. Each of us is “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14) with a unique set of personality quirks and flaws, dreams, wants and desires. Each of us is also ‘built’ to give and receive love differently. Gary Chapman explores this in his book The Five Love Languages. Each person has one main one, and some mix of the other four languages. Chapman defines the five as Quality Time, Acts of Service, Gifts, Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch. There is a quiz online that you can take to find out what yours is at https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/

The danger in knowing which language your spouse ‘speaks’ is thinking that you know then how to love them. Using the language metaphor, knowing someone speaks Swahili is a long way from knowing how to speak to them and be understood in their native tongue. Obviously, you still need to learn their language, especially if it is different than yours! Even if you share a language, it goes without saying that you probably are fluent in different ‘dialects.’ The good news is you probably share the same actual, spoken language, and can discuss what loving - and being loved - means to each other. 

Since every human is unique, each of the five languages has an infinite number of dialects. A husband who knows his wife has “acts of service” as her main love language might think he is loving her by taking care of her car; changing the oil, checking the tires, keeping it clean, etc. Cars are important to him, and therefore he believes he is loving her. She might not care about the car though, but would be thrilled by him vacuuming and doing the laundry. A husband with words of affirmation as his language might not be moved by his wife telling him directly she finds him attractive (she values attractiveness, and thus thinks commenting on his appearance is loving him). He would beam though, to see her praising his fatherhood skills or ability to fix things on social media. We all come into marriage with prejudices, predilections and predispositions… the only way to find out what your spouse’s are is to talk with them.

The last wrinkle in this is figuring out how to ‘speak’ your spouse’s language in all aspects of your lives together. Ask yourself how can acts of service manifest when planning date nights? How can gifts be given without spending money. How many different ways can words of affirmation be given? How many different media can they be used in? How can physical touch be incorporated into activities that *aren’t* sexual? Conversely, how can the other four languages be brought *into* the bedroom?

Proverbs 18:15 says:

The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge, for the ears of the wise seek it out.

Marriage is ordained by God to be for a lifetime, so that we have as long as possible to learn about our spouses. Understanding what their love language is should be an early lesson, as it is foundational to figuring out how to love them as they want and need. Mastering that language should be an ongoing pursuit. Their dialogue is unique to them, and alive! Like all languages, new words are added and old words fall out of use. Like marriage itself, undertaking “language lessons” is a choice you must make - over and over - as long as you both shall live.

To Each His (or her) Own

Proverbs 22: 6 says

Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.

This is an extremely important verse for parents, especially when you dig in to the original language and unpack what “the way they should go” means. This verse is often taken to imply an objective truth, and “the way” is taken as being universal, always the same, and applicable to every child. The word “they” though, is also extremely important. If we also take into account Psalm 139:14  “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made,” we understand that each of us is unique, created by God to do specific works created for us to usher in his kingdom. It is sometimes hard for parents to grasp that they have work to do to understand who God has created their children to be. “The way they should go” is as unique as their fingerprints, and it is a parent’s job to discover this so that they can better love their offspring and help to “start them off” on the path God has prepared.

The same holds true for adults! We were all once those children, fearfully and wonderfully made, with kingdom work that we were uniquely created to do. As individuals, we each have our own ways of doing things, whether that be God’s work, our jobs - or housework. It is important when we are married to be cognizant that our spouses will do things differently than we will. If we are inflexible in our views on how tasks should be accomplished we might criticize them for not doing things the way we would. If we make a habit of this our spouse may be resentful, and may become less willing to voluntarily pitch in and try to help. This can eventually lead to contempt (in both parties) if not called out and discussed, and an understanding reached.

With life being so busy, it is imperative that both spouses are working towards common goals, each doing their part to keep their family functioning, and their household running smoothly. If one party starts nitpicking the other about how things get done, it hurts them and the marriage.
The biblical imperative is clear: 1 Thessalonians 5:11 says “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up.”  Be happy that they are helping, be grateful and encouraging, and they will be more willing to continue to find ways to pitch in. A finished task is a beautiful thing!

The Four Horsemen IV: Contempt

Drs. John and Julie Gottman are psychologists and therapists who have focused on the study of marriage for over four decades. John Gottman with a partner has studied thousands of couples and is famous for being able to predict with over 90%  certainty what a couple’s happiness level will be in three years AND whether or not a couple will divorce - after an interview lasting only a hour. Even after 15 minutes their prediction success rate was over 80%, and after 3 minutes they were still in the 70% range. They have broken down and analyzed their findings and have come up with four communication styles that they call “the four horsemen” because they can usher in a relationship apocalypse. They are: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt.

Contempt

The final - and worst - of the four horsemen is contempt. Gottman’s forty years of research shows it to be the sign that, if present, is the most sure sign that divorce is impending or imminent. The top dictionary definition of contempt is “The feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn.” No wonder it is a bad sign if present in a marriage relationship! It can be caused by long standing negative thoughts, perhaps rooted in displeasure at certain behaviors but it is often expressed as attacks on the person. Contempt can manifest in a multitude of ways: insults and name calling, sneering, eye rolling, sarcasm and mean humor but all of them - at their core - express superiority and distaste, derision or even disgust. Simply stated, contempt is viewing someone and behaving towards them as if they are lesser, and you yourself are greater in comparison. 

The bible of course warns against behaving thus. Paul writes in Romans 12:3

For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.

Contempt sets up an adversarial relationship where a cooperational one should be. While it is directed at others, it hurts one’s self as well. Studies have shown that people in contemptuous relationships are more prone to illness and more stressed. It erodes health of all types - physical, emotional, and psychological.

If contempt is poison to a marriage, the anti-venom is two fold.

The first part of the ‘cure, as with most problems in relationships, is communication. Specifically, one must communicate their feelings about the behaviors that are causing consternation. If bottled up they can lead to disdain towards the other party as a person. It must be stated honestly and openly, and often. Both spouses must maintain an open dialogue so that issues can be discussed and hopefully resolved before they fester. Left unspoken these feelings can grow into problems so big they are not easily solved. Be very careful to state how you feel, how you are affected and not state how their actions are a problem, or how they are “wrong.” 

As important as an atmosphere of openness is part two: a culture of admiration and fondness. Strive always to remember the things about your spouse that caused you to fall in love with them in the first place! The Gottmans found in their research that couples who viewed their shared history positively were strengthened and protected against the effects of contempt. Reminisce! Focus on the good things, the fun times, and even on struggles you overcame together! Think of how you view your past in terms of Paul’s words in Phillipians 4:8

Finally, beloved, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is pleasing, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

Ellie Lisitsa, an author with the Gottman Institute puts it thus:

“Although happy couples will feel frustrated at times by their partner’s personality flaws, they still feel that their partner is worthy of honor and respect.”

We are ALL flawed. We are human, finite and imperfect. Remember that you are in need of grace before attacking your spouse personally after judging their behavior. Christ calls us to emulate him; forgive as you also need forgiveness, show grace as you also need it.

Always focus on the fact that you and your spouse are in this thing called life TOGETHER.

The Four Horsemen III: Stonewalling

Drs. John and Julie Gottman are psychologists and therapists who have focused on the study of marriage for over four decades. John Gottman with a partner has studied thousands of couples and is famous for being able to predict with over 90%  certainty what a couple’s happiness level will be in three years AND whether or not a couple will divorce - after an interview lasting only a hour. Even after 15 minutes their prediction success rate was over 80%, and after 3 minutes they were still in the 70% range. They have broken down and analyzed their findings and have come up with four communication styles that they call “the four horsemen” because they can usher in a relationship apocalypse. They are: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt.

Stonewalling

At the height of the curve of criticism and defensiveness, one partner may become overwhelmed, be flooded with emotion and may react with the third horseman - stonewalling. This is when someone completely “checks out” of the conversation or argument. They may look away, become unresponsive, start fiddling with their phone or engaging in other distracted (or distracting) activities. Fighting about the same subjects over and over with no progress being made can lead to stonewalling, as can a perception that the discussions are always negative. In Gottman’s studies, they determine that “masters” of relationships, the people who are most likely to be successful maintain a ratio of 5:1 between positive and negative interactions. As humans we are prone to focusing on negatives, so the disparity between the two is important for there to be positive outcomes. Stonewalling is not just a choice to avoid conflict though. The study noted measurable physiological signs exhibited by stonewallers: increased heart rate, increased stress hormones in the bloodstream, shallow breathing - all the hallmarks of a “flight or fight” response. When this happens, the ability to process information is hampered. Peripheral vision, hearing comprehension and attention span all suffer, and as a result so does the ability to empathize, and to solve problems creatively.

In Gottman’s work (with Dr. Robert Levenson) they found men made up 85% of the participants that exhibited this behavior. Many felt that by continuing to engage in the discussion their input would just make matters worse, and they aimed to just “weather the storm” by ceasing to participate. Of course, when you feel the other person has checked out of a heated discussion that can make matters worse.

The key to dealing with stonewalling is to recognize when you are engaged in it, and take a break. The stonewaller must be able to know when they are checking out, and remove themselves from the stressors that are causing the response. This is not to be looked at as escaping though, since avoiding a problem rarely solves it. It must be with the understanding that once you heart rate comes down and your physiological state is back to baseline, you will return and continue the discussion about the issue at hand. To be effective, the break must involve activities or behaviors that will not foster dwelling on what is bringing you to that point. (Men, again, were most likely to dwell, or “rehearse distress maintaining thoughts.) Taking a walk, playing a game, reading or listening to music were all listed as helpful behaviors. Mindfulness, focused breathing and alternately flexing and relaxing the parts of your body that felt tense also were recommended. All of these fall under the label “self soothing.” Being proficient at them is important not just in romantic relationships but in all of life. If you can recognize when you are overwhelmed, and can intentionally calm yourself you will be more likely to be able to navigate all the stressful situations that life can deal out. If your partner is the one being overwhelmed and tuning you out, you can help by working towards the 5:1 ratio of positive and negative interactions. Think of ways to include more humor, empathy, affection and interest, and you will help the two of you remain connected and engaged. Always remember that you and your spouse are a team, and strive to avoid seeing the relationship as adversarial.

The Four Horsemen II: Defensiveness

Drs. John and Julie Gottman are psychologists and therapists who have focused on the study of marriage for over four decades. John Gottman with a partner has studied thousands of couples and is famous for being able to predict with over 90%  certainty what a couple’s happiness level will be in three years AND whether or not a couple will divorce - after an interview lasting only a hour. Even after 15 minutes their prediction success rate was over 80%, and after 3 minutes they were still in the 70% range. They have broken down and analyzed their findings and have come up with four communication styles that they call “the four horsemen” because they can usher in a relationship apocalypse. They are: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt.

Defensiveness

The next horseman often occurs as a reactions to Criticism, the first horseman. It is our instinct to defend ourselves... It can happen when the dialogue takes on the form of an attack, but also when we simply perceive it as such, when someone else’s point of view challenges our own. In either case, instead of a discussion we now have an argument. Both parties stop listening to hear, and listen only as much as they think they need to counter. If the actual problem is represented by a tennis ball, spouses become the players furiously swinging their rackets, each attempting to “win.” If one side “wins” though, the relationship itself, and thus both sides tend to lose.

Defensiveness can take on different forms. One manifestation is justifying the behavior that is being criticized, or that we feel is under attack. These can be knee-jerk reactions seeking to deflect blame. These can be as  simple as “I forgot” or “I was busy.” The defensive person can also construct long winded rationalizations. These often start with what seems to be acceptance of wrong doing, but that is then followed by a “but” that seeks to excuse what has occurred. “I know I’ve been a jerk lately, but I’ve been under so much stress at work.”  Another form defensiveness takes is seeking to shift blame onto the attacking party. “No I didn’t RSVP to that event; I had to pick up the kids and go to the store. You knew I’d be busy, why didn’t you do it?” “I know I snapped at you, but with all I’m going through at work, you should have know I’d have a short fuse… why did you even try and talk to me?”

In all forms of defensiveness, what the defender is trying to do is not take responsibility for whatever the behavior is that is being criticized. We must seek to understand our spouse’s point of view, regardless of whether or not we agree with it. We must listen to hear, and not just listen to respond. We must take responsibility for our part in whatever is going on. 1 Corinthians 13 tells us that “love holds no record of wrongs” but it also says “Love does not seek its own way.” Perhaps more importantly, love “always protects, always hopes, and always trusts.” No matter how heated a discussion gets, seek first to protect the relationship with your words and how you respond. Trust that your partner is just seeking to overcome a misunderstanding, or that they have a valid issue they are bringing up. Above all hold on to hope that both parties want to work toward

The Four Horsemen I: Criticism

Drs. John and Julie Gottman are psychologists and therapists who have focused on the study of marriage for over four decades. John Gottman with a partner has studied thousands of couples and is famous for being able to predict with over 90%  certainty what a couple’s happiness level will be in three years AND whether or not a couple will divorce - after an interview lasting only a hour. Even after 15 minutes their prediction success rate was over 80%, and after 3 minutes they were still in the 70% range. They have broken down and analyzed their findings and have come up with four communication styles that they call “the four horsemen” because they can usher in a relationship apocalypse. They are: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt.

Criticism

The first “horseman” is criticism. It appears first on the list because it is probably the most common. It is important to realize first what is is NOT. Criticism is not merely voicing a complaint, or offering a critique that is meant to be constructive. Both of those deal with a specific action, behavior or scenario. Criticism is an attack on the the character of the target. Criticism is often marked by words like “always” or “never” and invariably uses the word “you.” “You’re always late!” “You never help around the house!” and “You never listen to what I’m saying!” are all examples of criticism. Always and never imply a character trait that is consistent and negative, a character flaw, that is at the heart of whatever behavior or actions are actually the issue. The problem with this type of attack is the the target will almost always feel forced into a defensive posture, and this severely limits the dialogue as far as achieving real results. Once the dynamic is reduced to attack and defend, the actual issue gets lost and it becomes an argument rather than a discussion or conversation. Change will almost never occur as a result of an argument.

The Gottmans do not simply call out and label this behavior, they offer antidotes for all the four horsemen. Instead of criticizing, they say, express a need. Vulnerability goes a long way where criticism often leads to antagonism and fights. Before you speak , ask yourself: What actions or behaviors are bothering me? What emotions are they making me feel? What do I need from my partner? They use the term “gentle start up” as a way to bring up issues in a way that fosters openness and dialogue that leads to solving problems or correcting issues. Consider the following: Instead of “You’re always late!” say “When we’re late to something I feel embarrassed. It’s important to me to arrive to events on time. Could we work to make that happen?” Instead of “You never help around the house!” try “I am feeling really overwhelmed keeping the house running. I could really use some more help to keep things under control.” Instead of “You never listen to what I’m saying” go with “It hurts when I don’t feel heard or understood. I need to vent sometimes, and all I need you to do is listen.”

As in most things, the Bible also has something to say and it lines up neatly with the Gottman’s observations and recommendations. Proverbs 15:1 says:

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Think before you speak, and frame the conversation in terms of what you feel and what you need. It never comes across as an attack that way, and the other person is much less likely to react defensively. The conversation has a greater chance to be constructive, and change is much more likely to occur.

Curious?

In his 1937 classic How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie wrote, “You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” How often are we truly interested in our spouse? How often are we still curious about how they see the world, what they think about things, what makes them unique? It is easy after you’ve been with someone for any length of time to think you know them, to think you know how they’ll respond to a question or event, to know what will make them smile, laugh, cry or get upset. The danger in this is that when you think you know the other person, you no longer are curious, you no longer feel the need to learn. Humans are complex creatures. I’ve written before that I believe marriage was created by God to be for life because it takes a lifetime to truly know another person, even when you live with them. Plus, people change. We all as humans have good days and bad days, and accordingly our responses to problems, our emotional triggers and even what strikes us as funny can be drastically different from one day to the next. Some months are harder on some people than others. Seasons affect people differently. Year to year we can change jobs, pick up hobbies and drop others, be in different states of health. Over time we grow, and as that happens we are no longer the same. It is said that you can never jump in the same river twice; you may recognize the banks but the water you were in has moved on to the sea. People are similar to rivers in this respect. They may look familiar, but underneath they have seen things, done things, learned and forgotten things, and they have changed to suit. These changes are usually gradual, and when you live with another person day in and day out they are easy to miss. A sudden change can cause people to take stock though. It is common for a couple who have been pouring their energy into their children and not their marriage to say they “no longer know” their spouse when they are suddenly find themselves empty-nesters. The death of a family member or loss of a job, or any sudden big change can cause such reflection and can be damaging to a relationship if they have been taking each other for granted and assuming they knew their partner. It is crucial to make a habit of talking deeply with your spouse often, and “getting to know them” over and over again. Proverbs 5:18 says May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. Solomon writes in Ecclesiastes 9:9 Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days… God has given you under the sun. One way to delight and rejoice in your spouse is to seek to learn about them. Find new things to appreciate, seek to understand why they feel and act certain ways, what they love or loathe - and why! Learning new things about your husband or wife can revitalize a relationship that has become stagnant, refresh affection that has gone stale. A professor of mine in graduate school used to always tell us “Never assume you have enough information. There is always more to learn.” The same is true in marriage.