The Four Horsemen I: Criticism

Drs. John and Julie Gottman are psychologists and therapists who have focused on the study of marriage for over four decades. John Gottman with a partner has studied thousands of couples and is famous for being able to predict with over 90%  certainty what a couple’s happiness level will be in three years AND whether or not a couple will divorce - after an interview lasting only a hour. Even after 15 minutes their prediction success rate was over 80%, and after 3 minutes they were still in the 70% range. They have broken down and analyzed their findings and have come up with four communication styles that they call “the four horsemen” because they can usher in a relationship apocalypse. They are: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt.

Criticism

The first “horseman” is criticism. It appears first on the list because it is probably the most common. It is important to realize first what is is NOT. Criticism is not merely voicing a complaint, or offering a critique that is meant to be constructive. Both of those deal with a specific action, behavior or scenario. Criticism is an attack on the the character of the target. Criticism is often marked by words like “always” or “never” and invariably uses the word “you.” “You’re always late!” “You never help around the house!” and “You never listen to what I’m saying!” are all examples of criticism. Always and never imply a character trait that is consistent and negative, a character flaw, that is at the heart of whatever behavior or actions are actually the issue. The problem with this type of attack is the the target will almost always feel forced into a defensive posture, and this severely limits the dialogue as far as achieving real results. Once the dynamic is reduced to attack and defend, the actual issue gets lost and it becomes an argument rather than a discussion or conversation. Change will almost never occur as a result of an argument.

The Gottmans do not simply call out and label this behavior, they offer antidotes for all the four horsemen. Instead of criticizing, they say, express a need. Vulnerability goes a long way where criticism often leads to antagonism and fights. Before you speak , ask yourself: What actions or behaviors are bothering me? What emotions are they making me feel? What do I need from my partner? They use the term “gentle start up” as a way to bring up issues in a way that fosters openness and dialogue that leads to solving problems or correcting issues. Consider the following: Instead of “You’re always late!” say “When we’re late to something I feel embarrassed. It’s important to me to arrive to events on time. Could we work to make that happen?” Instead of “You never help around the house!” try “I am feeling really overwhelmed keeping the house running. I could really use some more help to keep things under control.” Instead of “You never listen to what I’m saying” go with “It hurts when I don’t feel heard or understood. I need to vent sometimes, and all I need you to do is listen.”

As in most things, the Bible also has something to say and it lines up neatly with the Gottman’s observations and recommendations. Proverbs 15:1 says:

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Think before you speak, and frame the conversation in terms of what you feel and what you need. It never comes across as an attack that way, and the other person is much less likely to react defensively. The conversation has a greater chance to be constructive, and change is much more likely to occur.