tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-58855281397680489682023-11-16T08:25:38.111-08:00Not Easily BrokenMarriage is a sacred thing, a covenant between two people and God. I believe marriage is worth working for, and when necessary worth fighting for. I write to try and show what God's plan is for marriage, and to help married couples work towards that ideal - strengthening their unions and deepening their love for one another. I think strong marriages lead to healthy families, better people and a better society overall.Sojournerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13190911317619214185noreply@blogger.comBlogger131125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5885528139768048968.post-37288044856145119652021-11-10T12:08:00.004-08:002021-11-10T12:08:50.861-08:00The end?<p> <span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">Over a decade ago when my counsellor asked me what I was doing with all this marriage knowledge I was accumulating, I was confused. “What do you mean? I’m trying to make my marriage better” I answered. She pressed, though. “You have a responsibility to share what you know!” That simple conversation led me to start writing, the articles first appearing in the weekly bulletins, then linked to the church’s then new social media accounts, and finally appearing monthly in the Circuit Rider. It also led me to form one of the opinions that I now consider a major part of who I am: “Our blessings are not just for us - they are for us to be a blessing to others. Our trials and troubles are also not just for us. They are there so that we can understand the pain that others are going through, so that we can help.”</span></p><span id="docs-internal-guid-8fc2c077-7fff-bebe-aeb0-51bf2d45b215"><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">There are dozens of instances in the new testament that use some variation of the phrase “one another.” Love one another. Pray for one another. Break bread with one another. Bear one another’s burdens. Further is the admonition to mourn with those who mourn, and rejoice with those who rejoice. I have tried to keep these scriptures in the back of my mind with each of the articles I have written. Is your marriage doing great? Awesome! I will cheer you on. Are you and your spouse going through a rough patch? I have tried to be here to offer biblical advice, and provide a Godly perspective on how to navigate that. In the last few years I have found myself repeating themes, and citing verses that I have cited before. I’ve been doing this for a while now… Eleven years. One hundred and thirty “moments.”</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The time has come, I think, to put this project aside. Marriage ministry will remain a passion of mine, and though it might take a different form, I will surely continue doing something in this arena. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So, what have I learned? Two things:</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">One - Communication is the closest thing we have to *THE* key to a successful marriage. So many marriage problems can be solved - or at least mitigated, lessened - through honest and open communication with your spouse. Speaking the truth in love, as Paul implores, and focusing on how you feel (and not on trying to change your husband or wife) and then working together to come to a solution.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Two - I think perhaps the best marriage verse in the Bible occurs in Ecclesiastes, attributed to Solomon, waxing poetic on the nature of existence. Ecclesiastes 4:9-11 makes a good case for the value of marriage:</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"> <span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?
</i>Solomon goes on though. Verse 12 reads:<i>
Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not easily broken.
</i>The three strand cord? Husband, wife, and God. THAT is the relationship that will stand fast.</span></span></p><div><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div></span>Sojournerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13190911317619214185noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5885528139768048968.post-34456509499870557212021-10-05T16:45:00.003-07:002021-10-05T16:45:19.121-07:00Puzzle V: Process<p><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">Throughout the last year of this pandemic, even more so in the early stages, people were stuck in their homes and needed to find ways to pass the time. Many turned to an old stand-by: jigsaw puzzles. Puzzles have long been a mainstay at the shore for vacationers as a way to get through rainy days when the beaches and boardwalks were not available – or at least, wouldn’t be very pleasant. Puzzles can be worked on alone or in groups, and while challenging can give a real sense of accomplishment when the end is reached, the last piece snapped into place and the image is complete.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">In a recent series on his daily leadership vlog, Darren Hardy drew parallels between various strategies to address the challenges of puzzles as also being effective ways to conquer the difficulties of succeeding at business, and indeed at life. Could these same themes also apply to succeeding at marriage? Can we find scripture to back up this theory?</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">Process</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">The border is set, and we have chosen a piece to find a place for or a void to find a piece for - we have chosen one issue to work on until it is resolved, and we have resolved it carefully and thoughtfully, not forcing a piece to fit where it doesn’t belong! We’ve changed our point of view to get a fresh perspective and get around an impasse… so, now what?</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">Some puzzles are easier than others; a lower piece count, simpler images with bright, clearly defined areas of distinct colors. These can be finished quickly, and then broken down and put back in the box to do again another day. Others, though, have piece counts in the thousands, with gradations of color that can be indistinguishable under insufficient light, especially after staring at them for any length of time. It’s easy sometimes to wonder “why bother?” With puzzles, and in relationships, sometimes it seems easier just to quit. Divorce rates are what they are because many come to difficult spots and conclude it’s easier to quit and start again elsewhere then it is to really dig in and do the work necessary. It is vital in marriage to start with the belief that you will finish… to mean it when you say “until death do us part.” Starting a marriage with the clearly spoken understanding that, come what may, we will work through it and come out stronger, wiser - and together. Our society with all its focus on individuality does not support this. Look out for number one, follow your heart, keep yourself happy - all this messaging through art, media, and advertising runs counter to the idea of serving sacrificially, of giving of yourself, of having obligations instead of rights - all the things we are called to in a Godly union of two souls becoming one flesh. With the world blaring its messages at us, it can be easy to wonder “why bother?” or “is this all worth it” and consider quitting. Don’t.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">The rewards of growing together, of staying together, are enormous. When we invest the time and effort of learning about one another, we can love each other better and more completely. The more we know of each other the better we can serve and fulfill their desires. Of course there are the mundane, earthly benefits of financial stability as well. When we hit rough patches we must balance thoughts of what we’re going through against the rewards of working through them. If marriage is an analog to God's love for creation, when Paul write in Romans 8:18</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.</i></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: Arial; white-space: pre-wrap;">can we not apply that to our marriages as well?</span></p><p><span style="font-family: Arial; white-space: pre-wrap;">When we do a jigsaw puzzle, is the final product the point? Sure, we can glue it together when we’re done, put it in a frame and hang it on the wall, but if that were the only goal, could we not have just purchased a poster, a photographic print, or a painting? The point of doing a puzzle is the process of working on the puzzle!</span></p><p><span style="font-family: Arial; white-space: pre-wrap;">We must also consider the ‘point’ of marriage; is it our happiness? Or is it more? As with the puzzle, the point is the process! Living in close quarters with someone calls us to develop all the fruits of the spirit! As we share our whole life with another flawed and finite human being, for the relationship to work each partner must be patient, gracious, forgiving, loving and kind, gentle, generous and self-controlled (See Galatians 5:22). Of course it won’t be easy; Paul says further in Romans 8:23</span></p><p><span style="font-family: Arial; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly while we wait for adoption, the redemption of our bodies.</i></span></p><p><span style="font-family: Arial; white-space: pre-wrap;">We groan, inwardly as we wait. But it will be worth it! Marriage is a crucible in which we are refined. The process may not always be pleasant; think of gold reduced to liquid over a flame. But it is then that our impurities are burned away, leaving only that which is pure and precious.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: Arial; white-space: pre-wrap;">So let us, as Paul writes in Hebrews 12:1 “run with perseverance the race that is set before us,” because we can be confident in God’s plan. Phillipians 1:6 states</span></p><p><span style="font-family: Arial; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.</i></span></p><p><span style="font-family: Arial; white-space: pre-wrap;">God bless you all and your marriages as you find joy in the process of doing marriage.</span></p>Sojournerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13190911317619214185noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5885528139768048968.post-60544925339089999862021-09-09T13:15:00.001-07:002021-09-09T13:15:17.341-07:00Puzzles IV: Point of View<p>Throughout the last year of this pandemic, even more so in the early stages, people were stuck in their homes and needed to find ways to pass the time. Many turned to an old stand-by: jigsaw puzzles. Puzzles have long been a mainstay at the shore for vacationers as a way to get through rainy days when the beaches and boardwalks were not available – or at least, wouldn’t be very pleasant. Puzzles can be worked on alone or in groups, and while challenging can give a real sense of accomplishment when the end is reached, the last piece snapped into place and the image is complete.</p><p>In a recent series on his daily leadership vlog, Darren Hardy drew parallels between various strategies to address the challenges of puzzles as also being effective ways to conquer the difficulties of succeeding at business, and indeed at life. Could these same themes also apply to succeeding at marriage? Can we find scripture to back up this theory?</p><p><b>Point of View</b></p><p>The border is set, and we have chosen a piece to find a place for or a void to find a piece for - we have chosen one issue to work on until it is resolved, and we have resolved it carefully and thoughtfully, not forcing a piece to fit where it doesn’t belong! Sometimes though, the puzzle is far from finished - and we feel we have exhausted our options.</p><p>When this happens, it is often extremely helpful to change our perspective and look at things from a different angle. With an actual puzzle this can be accomplished as easily as walking to the other side of the table to look at things upside down, or standing on a chair to view the work in progress from on high. In life, and in marriage it may be a more involved undertaking to change our point of view, but it is no less valuable. Obi Wan Kenobi, while explaining things to young Luke Skywalker in Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back says “you're going to find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view.” Some of those “truths” are not actually true, but a product of our experiences, our preconceptions or a lack of knowledge or understanding. It is for this reason that Robin Williams’ character in Dead Poet’s Society, English teacher John Keating, stands on a chair in class and tells his students it is “to remind myself that we must constantly look at things in a different way.”</p><p>It is very easy as we go through life - especially married life - to get so caught up in the minutia of our busyness and lose sight of the bigger picture, or to assume we have all the necessary information to assess a situation when in fact, we do not. It can be as easy as stopping and asking our spouse if what we are thinking is correct! Many interviewers will tell you that the “trick” to what they do comes down to simply asking good questions. As in every marriage-related situation, communication is key to maintaining peace and fostering understanding and unity.</p><p>If that is not enough, it may require questioning yourself to determine what point of view you are seeing the issue from. What is hindering you from a more complete understanding? What biases are clouding a clearer view? Is it just that you are seeing things from a worldly perspective, and not a heavenly one? Paul’s epistles warn us about this multiple times. Colossians 3:2 says</p><p><i>Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.</i></p><p>and 2 Corinthians 5:16 reads</p><p><i>So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view.</i></p><p>Strive to put yourself in your spouse’s shoes, to see things from their side of an issue, but also, always, seek to align yourself with the heart and mind of God through prayer and devotion to His word.<br /><br />(no chair needed)</p>Sojournerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13190911317619214185noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5885528139768048968.post-78944858963588223732021-08-10T11:56:00.001-07:002021-08-10T11:56:19.630-07:00Puzzles III: Fit<div><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">Throughout the last year of this pandemic, even more so in the early stages, people were stuck in their homes and needed to find ways to pass the time. Many turned to an old stand-by: jigsaw puzzles. Puzzles have long been a mainstay at the shore for vacationers as a way to get through rainy days when the beaches and boardwalks were not available – or at least, wouldn’t be very pleasant. Puzzles can be worked on alone or in groups, and while challenging can give a real sense of accomplishment when the end is reached, the last piece snapped into place and the image is complete.</span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">In a recent series on his daily leadership vlog, Darren Hardy drew parallels between various strategies to address the challenges of puzzles as also being effective ways to conquer the difficulties of succeeding at business, and indeed at life. Could these same themes also apply to succeeding at marriage? Can we find scripture to back up this theory?</span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><b>Fit</b></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">The border is set, and we have chosen a piece to find a place for or a void to find a piece for - we have chosen one issue to work on until it is resolved. It is vitally important that we find the right piece! Humans are infinitely complex, and each is unique. In a marriage two of these complex, unique (and flawed) people have come together as one. An issue between them, a problem in the marriage now has exponentially more possible solutions - and many of those have the potential to make things worse.</span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">With jigsaw puzzles sometimes we look at a piece, we look at the incomplete puzzle and we just know where that piece goes… until we try to put it in the spot, and none of the tabs and slots align; too big, too small, the wrong shape, the wrong number of tabs and slots. But the colors look right! We squint our eyes and it looks like it fits! We turn it around over and over again to no avail. Sometimes the shapes are close… close enough we convince ourselves they are right. And we push a little harder, we force it in. If we are able to successfully convince ourselves, then we create more problems. Not only is this piece not right, we have removed a correct solution for elsewhere on the puzzle, and the piece that is supposed to go here is somewhere, no with no place to go.</span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">In life, in marriage, as in puzzles, we can not force a ‘fit.’ With all the sources we can go to for answers, it can be dizzying and overwhelming to try and solve anything. Friends offer their advice, magazines scream self help headlines on their covers, countless books, TV shows, blogs and podcasts offer their (usually) well-meaning services. Information from any of those things, taken verbatim and at face value can cause harm if we try to simply implement them without first checking the “shape” and “color” and very carefully determining if it fits the situation at hand.</span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">The only way we can know that is if we are truly open and honest with each other. We must talk through any solution with our spouse since the answer must ‘fit’ the unique combination of two people, two souls that have joined together as one. </span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">And of course, since God created each of us, he alone knows all our complexities (even the ones we aren’t conscious of, or won’t admit) down to the number of hairs on our head (Matthew 10:30) He also knows how husband and wife fit together, how their souls entwine and what is best for them. How do we tap into that knowledge? How do we test each piece in the puzzle we are creating together? We pray. As we deal with the issues that face us, we talk to each other - and to God. In all facets of our lives we ask for his guidance, his wisdom. Even Paul admonishes in 1 Corinthians 7:5</span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>Do not deprive one another except by mutual consent and for a time TO DEVOTE YOURSELVES TO PRAYER</i> (emphasis mine)</span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">Seek Him. Focus on Him. Find the ‘piece that fits,’ and do not force a solution to a problem that does not fit the unique puzzle that you and your spouse are creating together.</span></span></div>Sojournerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13190911317619214185noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5885528139768048968.post-23206757546192143402021-06-13T09:40:00.000-07:002021-06-13T09:40:13.788-07:00Puzzles II: Pieces<p> <b>Puzzles II: Pieces</b></p><div><span id="gmail-docs-internal-guid-0a5eec6c-7fff-3282-dfe0-4a07e301d7a1"><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.284; margin-bottom: 8pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Throughout the last year of this pandemic, even more so in the early stages, people were stuck in their homes and needed to find ways to pass the time. Many turned to an old stand-by: jigsaw puzzles. Puzzles have long been a mainstay at the shore for vacationers as a way to get through rainy days when the beaches and boardwalks were not available – or at least, wouldn’t be very pleasant. Puzzles can be worked on alone or in groups, and while challenging can give a real sense of accomplishment when the end is reached, the last piece snapped into place and the image is complete.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.284; margin-bottom: 8pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In a recent series on his daily leadership vlog, Darren Hardy drew parallels between various strategies to address the challenges of puzzles as also being effective ways to conquer the difficulties of succeeding at business, and indeed at life. Could these same themes also apply to succeeding at marriage? Can we find scripture to back up this theory?</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.284; margin-bottom: 8pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Pieces</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The border is set! Now, how do we approach putting together all the pieces that make up your marriage? Our lives are complex; this isn’t any beginner-level puzzle. There are tons of pieces, and many, many colors of varying hue and saturation. The pieces themselves are intricate with lots of tabs and slots. It can be overwhelming, especially at the beginning to look at the myriad choices and possibilities and make sense of it all.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Think of a marriage relationship: there are six types of intimacy (as set forth by the DeLorenzos of the ONEextraordinary Marriage podcast). Physical, spiritual, emotional, financial, recreational, and sexual. We are living in the world (even as we strive to not be of it) so we deal with things like work, church, media, hobbies, social groups. Some of us have kids and then add raising them to the mix. We deal with discipline and instruction, school, sports and extracurricular activities, THEIR social groups. At any given time all these things may need the attention of one or both spouses, but trying to deal with them all at once is a sure strategy for disaster. At any given time, ONE of these issues is probably the most pressing and dealing with it until it is “solved” will make dealing with the next issue easier. Pick one piece of the puzzle, and find where it fits. Or pick one void in the incomplete picture, and search the available solutions until you find the one.</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Remember Martha, running around her house trying to deal with all the things required to host Jesus at her house. Exasperated, frustrated - and missing out on experiencing Jesus’ presence like Mary was doing - she addressed Jesus not to be with him, but to get him to scold her sister! The lord replies (in Luke 10:41-42)</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Martha, Martha, you are worried and distracted by many things; there is need of only one thing.Mary has chosen the better part, which will not be taken away from her.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This story is also a great reminder that whatever puzzle piece we are working on, it is critical we keep God at the center of our problem solving efforts. In our human frailty we have unlimited potential to make matters worse when we rely on our own cleverness, our own strength. We can always choose to take the winding, more difficult road to any destination. Proverbs 3:6 admonishes though</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Rely on God. Keep his promises - and his Son - first and foremost in your heart as you and your spouse tackle the manifold issues in your life. As you communicate (regularly) identify the area that is most requiring attention at the moment, for there are always issues requiring your attention. Work on that issue, together, until it is dealt with. Then you can address the next puzzle piece with similar diligence and care, and work towards a picture - a marriage - that honors God and shows his love for creation to the world.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"></p></span></div>Sojournerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13190911317619214185noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5885528139768048968.post-81543214897303651922021-05-16T10:47:00.003-07:002021-05-16T10:47:42.019-07:00 Puzzles I - Borders<p><span style="background-color: #d9ead3; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;">Throughout the last year of this pandemic, even more so in the early stages, people were stuck in their homes and needed to find ways to pass the time. Many turned to an old stand-by: jigsaw puzzles. Puzzles have long been a mainstay at the shore for vacationers as a way to get through rainy days when the beaches and boardwalks were not available – or at least, wouldn’t be very pleasant. Puzzles can be worked on alone or in groups, and while challenging can give a real sense of accomplishment when the end is reached, the last piece snapped into place and the image is complete.</span></p><p><span style="background-color: #d9ead3; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;">In a recent series on his daily leadership vlog, Darren Hardy drew parallels between various strategies to address the challenges of puzzles as also being effective ways to conquer the difficulties of succeeding at business, and indeed at life. Could these same themes also apply to succeeding at marriage? Can we find scripture to back up this theory?</span></p><p><span style="background-color: #d9ead3; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;"><b>Borders</b></span></p><p><span style="background-color: #d9ead3; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;">Everyone knows that when doing a jigsaw puzzle. The best thing to do first is to find all the pieces that have straight edges and construct the border. As a metaphor this can mean that to efficiently solve a given problem, you have to define what the problem is. It clarifies parameters, defines expectations and provides context for all the work that needs to get done. In marriage, what would this look like?</span></p><p><span style="background-color: #d9ead3; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;">At the very beginning, even before the wedding day multiple discussions should be had! It’s been said all people have a set of “rules” that they expect people in their life to live by – but these rules are rarely communicated, and sometimes the person themself isn’t even aware they have them! These rules are developed over a lifetime, in response to family scenarios and life experiences, and once a person reaches adulthood, the rules, unwritten, unspoken and sometimes even beneath recognition are set in proverbial stone. People enter into marriage expecting their spouse to act a certain way. Expectations exist for things as mundane as who will take out the trash and who will do the dishes, or who will cook and clean the house. Broader topics like how children will be raised, and taught and disciplined and who will deal with the bills and finances, how money will be spent and even who will make it also can have “rules” attached to them. Intimacy itself, the heart of a marriage union is certainly not exempt! How and when affection is shown, who initiates sex, how and how often all are things that matter to each and every person – and should be communicated, understood and at least considered if not fully agree upon, at the very beginning. Going into marriage we should welcome these discussions, to learn about our spouse and thus better know how to love them! Proverbs 12:1 says</span></p><p><span style="background-color: #d9ead3; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;"><i>Those who love discipline love knowledge, but fools hate any kind of correction.</i></span></p><p><span style="background-color: #d9ead3; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;">Talk early, and talk often! God is unchanging but everything and everyone else changes over time. Conversations with your spouse about issues big and small will help to always make sure the border is set, and you both know the goals you are working towards as you assemble the pieces of your life together.</span></p>Sojournerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13190911317619214185noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5885528139768048968.post-33122125376799895042021-04-10T08:23:00.001-07:002021-04-10T08:23:26.086-07:00Self Giving<p><span style="background-color: #d9ead3; color: #666666; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">Society makes too big a deal about sex - and too little. The world holds it up as something to strive for - it is a major focus in all media, from music, shows and movies, to literature and advertising. Simultaneously though, sex is seen as casual, as recreational, as “no big deal.” Christians make the same mistake from the opposite direction. Purity culture portrays it as the biggest deal before marriage. Our youth are told about all the pitfalls and negative consequences, how it will ruin their lives if they don’t wait until they are married. But the true nature of the gift of sex that God has given us is rarely - if ever - discussed. The church has long abdicated its responsibility to teach on this subject. As Kevin Lehman said in his Making the Most of Marriage study “If anyone should be talking about how great sex is - it’s the church!” Even among Christian marriage authors and counsellors, the message is often reduced to it being a man’s need, a wife’s responsibility. The “don’t deny one another” command from 1 Corinthians 7:5 is pulled out of context and set in this husband/ wife dichotomy that misses so much of the point. Even in this context it is seen as “just sex.” God designed it to be so much more though, and so few ever fully realize its potential.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: #d9ead3; color: #666666; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In a recent podcast, Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife (Ph.D in Counseling Psychology, a relationship and sexuality educator and coach, and Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor) broke down how she sees sex in three stages that manifest based on the maturity of the participants and the seriousness of the relationship. In summary:</span></p><p><span style="background-color: #d9ead3; color: #666666; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">Stage 1 sex is self referential. It’s about getting what you want, and it focuses almost solely on one’s own physical pleasure.</span></p><p><span style="background-color: #d9ead3; color: #666666; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">Stage 2 sex at least begins to acknowledge the “it takes two” couple dynamic and nature of the relationship, but it remains transactional; “I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine.” It is not very deep at this stage, not collaborative.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: #d9ead3; color: #666666; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Stage 3 sex though, is. Sex at this stage takes nothing for granted and is collaborative - and communicative. It becomes no longer about taking, about one’s own pleasure but about giving. It becomes about communication of love, of value, of cherishing.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: #d9ead3; color: #666666; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: #d9ead3; color: #666666; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">People capable of stage 3 sex are much more at peace with themselves, and no longer have anything to prove. They are free therefore to truly love through their sexuality. They are free to be fully known, and to know. There is a reason that sex in the bible (at least in the King James version) is stated in exactly these terms. </span></p><p><span style="background-color: #d9ead3;"><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Now Adam knew Eve, his wife. And she conceived, and bore Cain.</span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> (Gen 4:1)</span></span></p><p><span style="background-color: #d9ead3;"><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And Elkanah knew Hannah his wife, and the Lord remembered her. So it came to pass in the process of time that Hannah conceived and bore a son, and called his name Samuel.</span><span style="color: #666666; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> (1 Sam 1:19-20)</span></span></p><p><span style="background-color: #d9ead3; color: #666666; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">On twitter, Pastor Tim Keller recently posted a powerful thread discussing sex in the context of marriage and why this world pushes back so hard against God’s design for it. Though he didn’t mention the three stages, the implications were very clear. He stated: “We believe sex was not created just for pleasure but for mutual self-giving toward a deep, permanent union that creates character and new human life. We believe sex was created for persons to say non-verbally but powerfully to one another: “I belong completely and exclusively to you.” It must not be used to say anything less than that or you are not respecting sex’s power, depth, and force.” All those statements could very well be describing Finlayson-Fife’s ‘stage 3’ definitions. Regarding the world’s view Keller wrote: “In sex outside of marriage, we maintain our independence and fail to give our whole selves to the other person… and very often one or both gets exploited.” That is completely Stage 1.</span></p><p><span style="background-color: #d9ead3; color: #666666; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">How are you loving your spouse? Is your goal to communicate the depth of your love? To wordlessly show how much you cherish them? To be vulnerable and open and truly share your heart? These goals are not easy; they do not come naturally to our finite, fallible souls. They should be our goals though. We should commit to working towards them. At the end of his twitter thread, Tim Keller warned about the dangers of doing otherwise:</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: #d9ead3; color: #666666; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“If you cultivate sex for self-affirmation instead of self-giving, you diminish sex’s power to function as a commitment apparatus and covenant renewal agent within marriage. You harden or dehumanize yourself.”</span></p><p><span style="background-color: #d9ead3; color: #666666; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">Think instead on Proverbs 11:24</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="background-color: #d9ead3; color: #666666; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Some give freely, yet grow all the richer; others withhold what is due, and only suffer want.</span></p><p><span style="background-color: #d9ead3; color: #666666; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">That verse was (probably) not written about sex, but think about how beautiful it is when taken in the context. The implied meaning is that the best way to get what you want out of physical intimacy is to not worry about it, but put forth all your effort to give your spouse what they want. That means seeking to learn about them, their wants and needs and fears and concerns - seek to KNOW them as deeply as you can, and then act on that knowledge, giving of your self to communicate the depth of your love.</span></p>Sojournerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13190911317619214185noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5885528139768048968.post-82988603268142474702021-02-07T11:37:00.000-08:002021-02-07T11:37:11.043-08:00Longevity IV - Community<p> <span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">A leadership guru (Darren Hardy) recently posted a video on six behaviors that lead to longevity; not metaphorical, or abstract, but things that actually lead to living longer. I think that many of these behaviors can be adapted or looked at in such a way as to lead to longer (and happier) marriages as well.</span></p><span id="docs-internal-guid-bc46f7dd-7fff-978e-b16f-90e07d850ce3"><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The last I’ll relate to marriage longevity is </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">community.</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In Darren Hardy’s video, he actually pointed to a study that suggested moderate consumption of alcohol was an ingredient for longevity. There have been studies done on the positive impact of a single glass of red wine after dinner… but the study he was drawing from went even deeper, and determined that a glass or two of beer or wine CONSUMED WITH FRIENDS was the secret. He mentioned in another one of his points that avoiding despair was key to longevity, and specifically talked about how humans are a social species, ill suited to live disconnected from others. This of course tracks with biblical wisdom.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">There are multiple places in the new testament where we are commanded to interact with “one another.” Bear one another’s burdens. Pray with one another. Wash one another’s feet. Break bread with one another. Love one another. Jesus actually tells his disciples that this is the sign by which the world will recognize them as his. In John 13:35 he says</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: #d9ead3; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">We can do nothing with “one another” if we are disconnected from others, doing life on our own. We must live in community to carry out these commands. In our technological age, we have access to the sum of all human knowledge and achievement, and can connect with anyone around the world - but these connections are superficial and can’t satisfy the need for human contact, the need for us to belong that is so critical to our functioning.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Abraham Maslow was one of the founders and driving forces behind the discipline of psychology. He codified and stratified the levels of human needs, organizing them into a pyramid with the ones on the bottom needing to be met before we can seek to fulfill the more complex needs. The pyramid starts with basic needs like food, water, and warmth, then shelter - security and safety. On the next level is belonging and love, human relationships. These needs must be met before the ‘self fulfillment’ needs atop the pyramid can be sought. Thus, to live the lives God meant for us to live, to be the people he created us to be and do the work he has set before us to do, healthy human relationships are key.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">To apply this to marriage longevity, think about your relationship with your spouse; do you truly believe and act as if you are on the same team? Do you seek to live out all the ‘one another’ commands in respect to your husband or wife? Do you rejoice when they rejoice, and mourn when they mourn? Do you check in with one another often, seeing how they are doing with regard to the hectic day to day schedules and responsibilities that we all face? For those of us who are married, that relationship takes priority among all earthly relationships. It must be strong if we are to go out to do our kingdom work, and be that picture of God’s love to the fallen world.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Taken to the next level it is also important to have a circle of married friends around you that believe in the sanctity and importance of marriage! We don’t need cynics and skeptics that will echo the world’s view that marriage is no longer relevant… we need people that will affirm God’s view and purpose, that will keep us accountable and grounded, keep our perspective broader than our singular personal needs and wants. None of us are in this alone, and having married friends to share our struggles with (and our successes!) helps us to continue to grow in our faith and continue to make our marriages better and stronger.</span></p><div><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div></span>Sojournerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13190911317619214185noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5885528139768048968.post-70810139597178027742021-01-11T06:53:00.000-08:002021-01-11T06:53:06.618-08:00Longevity III: Rest<p> <span style="font-family: Arial; white-space: pre-wrap;">A leadership guru (Darren Hardy) recently posted a video on six behaviors that lead to longevity; not metaphorical, or abstract, but things that actually lead to living longer. I think that many of these behaviors can be adapted or looked at in such a way as to lead to longer (and happier) marriages as well.</span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The third is </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">rest.</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Stress is often thought of as a bad thing, but in fact, it is essential to our existence. We have evolved to be able to react to things in our environment that could do us harm, react in ways that will allow us to respond such that we, as individuals and as a species will survive. Our cave dwelling distant ancestors had to deal with fearsome predators, as well as inconsistent food supplies, extreme weather and climatic conditions, and competition with other species for limited resources. Their bodies developed reactionary behavioral tools to deal with these problems, coping mechanisms we now call “fight or flight” responses, tools that we have inherited. All of these can be recognized as stress. Rises in adrenaline ready us for combat or a hasty retreat from a dangerous situation. Increased breathing rate and dilated bronchi increase the oxygen in our blood. Heart rate increases and blood vessels serving the digestive system constrict while those feeding the muscles open wide, feeding all that extra oxygen to our muscles. Our mouth gets dry, palms get sweaty and thoughts race.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">We have been (fearfully and wonderfully) made this way - it is a natural cycle. The effects listed above help us to deal with the stressors in our lives. Like all cycles, it is supposed to have a beginning, a middle and an end. After the situation is dealt with, we are supposed to then “come down.” Many of us suffer though, by living in that middle zone for extended periods of time. Society careens forward at a breakneck pace, and this fallen world throws stressors at us with reckless abandon. For our bodies - and our lives - to function as God designed, we need to make time and find ways for the cycle to reach its conclusion before we allow it to ramp up again. We must learn how to rest and recover in between periods of stress; the consequences if we don’t can be severe.</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Americans lead the world in depression. We are always in ‘go’ mode, and this can lead to burnout which results in reduced productivity (the very opposite of the thing we are usually striving for!) as well as reduced creativity and relationship problems. Our physical health can also be affected with heart disease, strokes, stomach ulcers and other ailments.</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Elijah, I’m sure knew what burnout felt like. After the amazing display on Mount Carmel, and the slaughtering of the priests of Baal and Asherah, (1 Kings 18) Ahab and Jezebel were hunting him down to kill him. In full “flight” mode for an extended period, he had finally had enough and sat down under a broom tree - to pray for death! He slept, and then an angel came and provided him with food and water. And then he slept again, and was provided food and drink again. 1 Kings 19:8 then says</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Strengthened by that, he traveled on forty days and nights…</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">We too need to get adequate rest and sustenance if we are going to successfully get up and take on the world day after day. We need to relax, unwind and recharge. Jesus knew this too. Even he, the Christ, God in human form was limited by the flesh he took on. In Mark 1:32-34 Jesus heals many who were brought him, curing diseases and casting out many demons. In Mark 1:35 it says</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Early in the morning, while it was dark, Jesus left the house and went to a solitary place, where he prayed.</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Along with rest, food and drink, we also need God. His spirit recharges our souls, even as food and rest recharge our bodies, and fuels us for the work he prepares for us to do. Jesus talked about giving us living water that we might not be thirsty, (John 4:10-14) and being the bread of life. (John 6:51)</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">As with all things, how we do rest and recovery can also - should also - be something we can do with our spouses to strengthen our marriages. Everyone needs their own time, of course, but down time together is also essential. Set aside time to be together without structure, time to talk about things other than work, the house, the kids. Share food and drink, share hopes and dreams, fears and concerns. As the bonds of your relationship are strengthened, know that you are better prepared for everything the world is preparing for you. Remember Ecclesiastes 4:9</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Two are better than one, for they have a good return on their labor</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And of course, pray together! As you ask for wisdom and strength and clarity and seek God’s will for your union, be assured your readiness is even greater; Ecclesiastes 4:12 continues</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">If one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart.</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /><br /></span></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Let that ‘third strand,’ God, lead you into rest and recovery. Let him restore you, mind body and spirit, as his angel did Elijah.</span></p>Sojournerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13190911317619214185noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5885528139768048968.post-26315823603876145702020-12-14T08:56:00.008-08:002020-12-14T08:56:44.069-08:00Longevity II - Purpose<p>A leadership guru (Darren Hardy) recently posted a video on six behaviors that lead to longevity; not metaphorical, or abstract, but things that actually lead to living longer. I think that many of these behaviors can be adapted or looked at in such a way as to lead to longer (and happier) marriages as well.</p><p>The second is purpose! In the movie <b>Matrix: Reloaded</b> the antagonist, Agent Smith (after he has gone rogue and started multiplying himself) says to Neo, the hero, "There's no escaping reason, no denying purpose, for as we both know, without purpose we would not exist. It is purpose that created us, purpose that connects us, purpose that pulls us, that guides us, that drives us; it is purpose that defines, purpose that binds us.”</p><p>Is that not true for each of us as well? In the absence of any outside influence, purpose can give us a reason to continue living! How many stories are out there of people who retire, and then with no reason to get up each day, they die shortly after? Without some purpose we’d just meander from activity to activity, not accomplishing anything of note. Each time you choose to undertake any task, any project, any activity, you do it with some purpose in mind. If not, then you are just reacting to what the world throws at you, and drifting aimlessly through your life. The key to leading a life that is truly fulfilling though is to not rely on your own purposes, for they will rarely get you to where you need to go. In Proverbs 19:21 it says:</p><p><i>Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.</i></p><p>To accomplish the work we were put on earth to do, we must align ourselves with God’s purpose for us, for only then can we be truly successful. When we align ourselves with God’s will for us, we do our appointed job to further the coming of his kingdom, but this is for our benefit as well. The well known and oft-quoted Romans 8:28 is sometimes abbreviated as “God works all things for good!” and used to comfort those going through hard times, but this misses a critical part. The whole verse reads:</p><p><i>And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, <b>who have been called according to his purpose.</b></i></p><p>God’s purpose is the important part. Have you accepted his will for you, that you are here on purpose, specifically, to accomplish something for the coming kingdom of God? Whether or not you do, God’s purpose will be fulfilled. If you turn your back on Him, God will find another path to his ultimate goals. Job understood this in the midst of his own trials when he said</p><p><i>I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted</i>. (Job 4:22)</p><p>When we get married we join our whole lives with another person; we become “one flesh” with them. As part and parcel of that deal we share in each other’s purpose as well. Their purpose becomes ours and vice versa, and indeed there is a purpose for your union as well as for each spouse. Pray often to understand this, to align your lives with God’s will for you, your spouse and your marriage. Work to actively pursue and accomplish these goals - for they are as much a part of the kingdom coming as your individual ones, and can be critical for your vitality and energy. Paul knew this. In Galatians 4:18 he says:</p><p><i>It is fine to be zealous, provided the purpose is good.</i></p><p>What better purpose is there than God’s, the reason he made you and put you here? The reason you and your spouse fell in love and chose to join with one another?</p><p><i>As for God, his way is perfect. </i> (Psalm 18:30)</p>Sojournerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13190911317619214185noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5885528139768048968.post-18014563498292396512020-11-13T07:25:00.004-08:002020-12-14T08:57:32.364-08:00Longevity I - Movement<p> <span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;">A leadership guru recently posted a video on six behaviors that lead to longevity; not metaphorical, or abstract, but things that actually lead to living longer. I think that many of these behaviors can be adapted or looked at in such a way as to lead to longer (and happier) marriages as well.</span></p><span id="docs-internal-guid-f99f24d4-7fff-b3b8-52d0-fc2d6745a2e6"><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The first is </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">movement</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">! A doctor recently published an article that stated emphatically that “sitting is the new smoking.” Sedentary lifestyles, long work days in an office chair in front of a computer screen followed by evenings in front of a TV or scrolling through social feeds on our phones are making us less healthy overall and in some cases are literally killing us. I don’t need to go into detail about this - we all know the risks and consequences, but how can this apply to marriage?</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">First, just as it says; health problems can absolutely lead to relationship struggles. Some health issues are of course unavoidable, but many are completely avoidable! Diet and exercise can go a long way towards limiting and reducing a multitude of potential problems. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 says</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">A church sexton once told me that he believed how the building and surrounding property looked on the outside spoke to the spiritual health of the congregation. If your body is a temple, are you performing the maintenance required to keep it clean, sturdy and functioning optimally? I am not saying we all need to be athletes and supermodels… Just that we need to invest some time and energy in our health and fitness. You and your spouse could find ways to exercise as a couple; hikes and bike rides, walking the boardwalks and beaches, whatever you both enjoy... do it together! Get some quality time as well as the fitness benefits.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Metaphorically, how does </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">movement</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> apply to being married? Relationships can be sedentary too! Especially over time, spouses can take each other for granted, assume they know all there is to know, think they understand how their partner will act and react, and how to love them accordingly. Behaviors that don’t change though, become ruts and things become stagnant. To avoid stagnation, there are things we can do. Always strive to learn new things about each other. Have scheduled times to check in, to talk about matters great and small. Ask questions like: How are things at work? What are you worried about? Excited for? Scared of? Am I helping enough around the house? With the kids? How can I love you better? Ask questions, and then LISTEN; not to respond but to understand. Then act on what you learn.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Just like how we treat each other can fall into a rut, so too can our activities become dull if they are always the same. Make a point to do new things and experience them together. Shared memories strengthen bonds and can cause the brain to act as it did when the relationship was new. Pastor Tommy Nelson, in his Song of Solomon study said “Relationships are always either improving or regressing. If yours is stagnant, it's actually going backwards.” Be cognizant of the state of your union, and work hard to keep it “moving” in a positive direction!</span></p><div><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div></span>Sojournerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13190911317619214185noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5885528139768048968.post-67631222161917141872020-10-11T17:59:00.002-07:002020-10-11T17:59:18.475-07:00Little Things<p><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;">“It’s the little things” is a saying that is bandied about quite a bit, but that is because it’s true! Jesus knew this well, and not only used a parable about it to describe the kingdom of heaven, but also used the principle to carry out his ministry. In Matthew 13:31-32 it says</span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>He told them another parable: “The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his field. Though it is the smallest of all seeds, yet when it grows, it is the largest of garden plants and becomes a tree, so that the birds come and perch in its branches.”</i></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;">He knew that small things can have a huge impact. Later in the same book he tells his disciples “if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” (Matthew 17:20) </span></p><p><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;">In his ministry, he taught in the synagogues, and preached to large crowds, but he called together only twelve to go deep with, that they could establish his church after his death and ascension. Even among the twelve, he separated them into smaller groups. IN Mark 6:7 it says</span></p><p><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>Calling the Twelve to him, he began to send them out two by two and gave them authority over impure spirits.</i></span></p><p><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Darren Hardy, a leadership author and Success magazine editor says it this way: “The accomplishment of any goal is the compound effect of small steps taken consistently over time.” In marriage, is your goal to have a union that gives joy, that honors God and provides a picture of his love for the world to others? If not, WHY NOT? But if so, what small steps could you be taking consistently over time? Things as small as making the coffee or tea in the morning so your spouse doesn’t have to, putting the kids to bed so they can relax after a hard day, or calling to order a pizza because you know they don’t like making phone calls can make a big difference. Obviously there are as many meaningful “small things” as there are people. Taking the time to know your spouse is never time wasted if you then act on the knowledge gleaned.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;">People often make the mistake of thinking what’s needed is a huge effort, a grand gesture, some over-the-top display of their love and affection. Sometimes those are nice, but they are not sustainable, and their effect is limited. In geometry a point is just a point, but two points define a line, stretching infinitely in two directions. Three points though, define a plane - infinite in all directions. Each point, seemingly inconsequential alone, exponentially expands what is defined when added to the set.</span></p><p><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;">If you’re not sure what your spouse’s little things are, you could always just ask. “What could I do to make your day easier? What do you need help with? How can I love you better?” Ask often! The situations of our lives change with time… never assume you know all there is to know! We all know the lessons about compound interest when it comes to monetary investment. Consider doing little things for your spouse investments in the awesome marriage you want to have.</span></p>Sojournerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13190911317619214185noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5885528139768048968.post-91909773297658983372020-06-11T13:24:00.001-07:002020-06-11T13:24:27.229-07:00Quarantine III - Transformation<span style="font-family: inherit;">As the COVID-19 pandemic stretches on, and we continue wearing masks to shop, social distancing away from our friends and relatives and stay quarantined with our families, there can be less and less doubt that at the end of this - whenever that might be - we will not be simply returning to “normal.” As much as the weirdness of this all makes us think longingly about what was, we can not just go back to it. If we look hard at what was, we might just come to realize that the old way was broken. The pandemic did not break all our systems, but it did lay bare that brokenness. The times we are now going through are giving us a chance to rethink, reorganize, rebuild and create anew.<br /><br />Is this not how God works? Right there in the beginning when we first “meet” God, he is speaking order into the primordial chaos, and creating. Genesis 1:2-3<br /><br /><i>The earth was without form and void, and darkness was over the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters. And God said, ‘Let there be light,’ and there was light.</i></span><div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">With so much being so different, it is a good time to reevaluate how you are doing marriage. Take an online marriage class or workshop. Read a marriage book together as a way to begin conversations about your relationship. Is it honoring God? Are you serving one another in love. Do things like sex, date nights, casual walk and talks and other husband-wife times need to be scheduled so they fit with the changed and changing work / life conditions. Ask each other what you want your marriage to be, and then work towards that! As always, remain in the Word to be in tune with God’s plans for your lives, individually and together.<br /><br />It’s not a very big leap to look around at what the current events - from the virus to the protests against police brutality - have done to the world and see chaos everywhere. What we do now, the decisions we make about how to live our lives will shape our future. That is always true of course, but right now the world is at a point where we have unique opportunities to drastically impact what the post-COVID world will look like, indeed what it will be. While we should all be asking big questions about what we want this world to be and how we can be doing work to usher in God’s kingdom, we should also take this time to take stock in our marriages. Work situations may have changed. Jobs may have been lost, or one or both spouses may be working remotely for the time being - or permanently. Kids are home, transitioning from remote learning to summer vacation, putting additional stress on home life as everyone tries to stay out of everyone else’s way.<br /><br />The world is fraught with chaos right now. It is being God-like, as we are made in his image, to create harmony and beauty from the chaos. Everything we are going through now will be transformational; if we are introspective and intentional about it, it can change us, our marriages and our lives for the better.</span></div>
Sojournerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13190911317619214185noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5885528139768048968.post-26361083227742669832020-05-09T07:10:00.002-07:002020-05-09T07:10:31.959-07:00Quarantine II: Structure<span style="font-family: Arial; white-space: pre-wrap;">We are all creatures of habit; the world we inhabit practically demands it. It is so busy, so fast-paced that we must have routines that we follow to get anywhere, get anything done. Without routines, without structure to our day we’d have to think about what to do each moment, and the time spent on those decisions would cause lags in productivity. Einstein famously had seven identical suits so that the decision of what to wear each day was never something he had to spend time or mental energy on, saving those precious commodities for wrestling with the big ideas of physics and relativity.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">With the COVID-19 pandemic raging around the world, most if not all of the structures that we had in place were taken away, quite suddenly, leaving many of us flailing. Without the structures and routines we are paralyzed. Fear of the unknown, stress about making ends meet and anxiety about the future feed on us when we suddenly have so much time to think with our normal busyness gone. It is imperative that we create new structures, and even look at the present scenario as a gift - the old pace we tried to live at, was it sustainable? How many of us were always tired, cranky, stressed, feeling we never had enough time to both live life and enjoy it, get important stuff done AND spend some time the way we wanted to, pursuing hobbies or interests that brought us joy?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">For married couples this process is doubly important. Two people, now living in closer quarters than usual, both have needs for space, work time, alone time, self care and comfort. Any structures to be built during this time need to accommodate the needs of both spouses (AND any children living in the house too). Before, the structures were largely imposed from the outside - school, activities, work. With everything shut down, we are the source for anything that is to come. Many people struggled with saying “no” to outside bids for their time, energy and resources. The world has now said ‘no’ to everything for us. Not only can we now rebuild our routines for ourselves and our families, we need to also make the most of this chance to critically examine what we will say ‘yes’ to in the future. If we build wisely now, creating routines that allow us time with our spouses and family, hopefully we will carefully consider things that will take that time away from us in the future. Whether things fully open up later this fall, or next year or two years from now, we should aim to have our own marital and familial foundations strengthened and bolstered so as to better withstand the forces of life in this age, this fallen world that will again come against us. Jesus says in Luke 6:47-48</span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I will show you what someone is like who comes to me, hears my words, and acts on them. That one is like a man building a house, who dug deeply and laid the foundation on rock; when a flood arose, the river burst against that house but could not shake it, because it had been well built.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">We have a chance, right now, to consider our foundations and rebuild them not on shifting sand but on rock. Take that chance. Discuss with your husband or wife what you want your life to look like next month, next year, when things normalize or even if they don’t. Set forth boundaries and guidelines, create new routines that honor God and strengthen your union, that help you build each other up and foster openness, laughter and that allow your love to grow deeper.</span></div>
Sojournerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13190911317619214185noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5885528139768048968.post-89712921248168437062020-04-09T18:31:00.002-07:002020-04-09T18:31:45.131-07:00QUARANTINE<br />These are bizarre times we live in; historic, unprecedented in our lifetimes, and positively weird. There is no way the massive upheavals in our lives would not affect all of our relationships in some way, and for married couples that is even more true. Suddenly, with no time to prepare, we are living in closer proximity to our spouses, and for longer periods of time than maybe we ever have. Better or worse, sicker or poorer, all those still apply - but now the words are put to the test… Did we really MEAN them? For those lucky enough to have jobs working from home, we now need to figure out how to live and work around each other. For those who have lost jobs there is the added uncertainty of what the future will hold casting a pall on daily life. For those couples where one - or both - spouses are first responders there is concern about exposure to the virus, lack of essential gear, and countless other issues that could have devastating consequences.<br />
<br />We are all, the whole world, affected in some way by the pandemic. How we react to these conditions will have long lasting effects on our lives. In China, coming out of quarantine has led to waiting lists at the divorce lawyers’ offices, suggesting we must give some thought to how we “do” marriage in these strange days. It is hard to set out any specifics, as every couple’s situation will be unique to them, but certain things are essential. These may include:<br />
<br /> Schedules. As we are now sharing the same spaces in our homes, it is important to figure out ways to share them. If a space (like a work space) must be shared, then make a schedule of how that will occur. It is also critical to demarcate alone time for all parties, which is all the more necessary when spending (seemingly) every waking moment with each other. Understand the need for personal time to pray or meditate, to exercise, to read, to decompress, to breathe. Then, as Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7, come together again.<br /><br />Speaking of time everyone will need plenty of it to process what the “new normal” is, what it means, and to adjust and adapt to it. Give each other that time - and space. 1 Corinthians 13 should be essential reading during this period. Love is patient, love is kind, love isn’t arrogant and doesn’t demand its own way.<br /><br />As you are making the rules (or at least setting guidelines) set boundaries. Don’t wait until someone’s toes get stepped on (literally or metaphorically) and a fight starts. Figure out what each person’s spatial needs are to be active and productive, to be able to do what they need to do and not feel crowded. When conflict does happen, remember to fight fair. Focus on behaviors, not character. Focus on how you are feeling, without judgement on the other person.<br /><br />Finally, and perhaps most importantly, SHOW EACH OTHER GRACE. As critical as this always is in marriage (and life!) it is even more so in these times when people are scared, stressed, and trying their best to make everything work as best it can, even as things change day to day. Give each other the benefit of the doubt! Don’t assume the thing they’re doing that grates on your last nerve is a nefarious plan to drive you over the edge. They are likely overwhelmed by it all too, and might not be thinking clearly much less acting intentionally. As nerves fray and tongues get sharp, remember that you are on the same side, that you are partners, not enemies. Think on Solomon’s words in Ecclesiastes 4, that two are better than one, and a cord of three strands is not easily broken. Man, woman and God, together, can and will survive and overcome.<br /><br />
Sojournerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13190911317619214185noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5885528139768048968.post-17192142825408785292020-03-11T11:11:00.003-07:002020-03-11T11:11:59.858-07:00Enjoy<div style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">Solomon writes in Ecclesiastes 9:9
<i>Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun—all your meaningless days.
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Obviously this goes for wives and their husbands as well, so the question is, are you? Are you enjoying life with your spouse. If not, why not? All of us can list reasons to not enjoy our lives, married or otherwise. There are countless things to worry about, from the mundane aspects of our everyday existence to sweeping issues that affect the whole world. We are over-scheduled and busy, the faucet is leaking, the car is sputtering, the stock market is down, there’s a global pandemic happening, climate change is slowly killing us all… This fallen world is rife with unrest and pain. We know this though! Nothing about the state of the world is new. Jesus told us that we’d face problems. But he also stresses that we should have hope. In John 16:33 he says
<i>I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.
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Think of your mental state when you are driving home from a long trip, and then compare that to your mental state when you are driving somewhere new and trying to find the address. Knowing where we are heading should ease our hearts and minds as we are heading there.So of course, pray for the world we live in, and do what you can to make it better. We are all responsible for doing work to usher in the kingdom. As you do so, though, make a choice to ENJOY life with your spouse. From making date nights happen regularly, to talking about hopes and dreams, to supporting each other’s interests and fulfilling each other’s desires, find joy in your shared life together. Even when things are hard, if you lean in to the fact that you are a team, and you don’t have to face trials alone but with a partner that has your back, joy can be found. Think of how bonds are strengthened by shared adversity, and know that on the other side of trouble you will be stronger as a couple.
Author Alan Cohen wrote “Don’t postpone joy until you have learned all of your lessons. Joy is your lesson.” Make it one you keep learning - until you get it right!</span></span></div>
Sojournerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13190911317619214185noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5885528139768048968.post-81240326504984894142020-02-10T10:52:00.000-08:002020-02-10T10:52:04.661-08:00PlansJeremiah 29:11<div>
<br /><i>For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.</i></div>
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<br />God has a plan for each one of us. By extension, for those of us who are married he also has plans for our marriages, plans “to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us hope and a future.” That said though, we cannot just sit around and wait for God’s plans to come to fruition. When God told Abraham to “go to a land I will show you” and made his promise that Abraham’s descendants would be innumerable, and the whole world would be blessed by them, Abraham packed up and went. Not knowing exactly where he was going, he simply had faith that God would show him where he was supposed to be when the time came. </div>
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<br />We too then, must take steps along our journey in order for God’s plans to come to fruition in our lives. Life is busy, and distracting. With our own schedules, kids’ schedules, work and all the other things going on around us, it is easy to become reactionary, bobbing and weaving with life’s punches to try our best to manage everything. When that happens our spouses, and our marriages, get given the remnants of our time, our effort and our attention.<br /><br />God has plans for us - and thus so should we.<br /><br />Young couples often make promises to never do “unromantic” things like schedule sex, or plan for date nights. After all, shouldn’t love be spontaneous? Sure, in Hollywood scripts, romance novels and love songs. (Incidentally, in all those things it is written out, scripted and planned) In real life though, anything worth doing or worth having is worth the time and effort spent to make happen. Time can be budgeted; maybe that’s the origin of the phrase “time is money!” At the beginning of each month, look at the calendar. Put down all the doctor appointments, soccer practices, dance recitals and scout meetings. Put down all the church committee meetings, business trips and other errands. Find time in amongst everything else and dedicate it to each other. Plan to have dinners, see movies, and allow for time to snuggle on the couch and yes, plan to make love to each other. Be intentional, make time for each other. Spontaneous love, sex and romance is great, until it doesn’t happen at all. You can always find ways to surprise each other within the framework of your schedule, so the planning doesn’t make it feel rote or dull.<br />Have God’s purposes for you and your marriage in your mind as you make your plans, and consider these two verses from Psalm 20:4<br /><br /><i>May he give you the desire of your heart, and make all your plans succeed.</i><br /><br />and Proverbs 16:3<br /><br /><i>Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans.</i><br /><br />God has a plan for you and your spouse. Actively work towards making those plans come to fruition, both for your own benefit and that of the kingdom to come!</div>
Sojournerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13190911317619214185noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5885528139768048968.post-58688800669911323592019-12-10T17:45:00.003-08:002019-12-10T17:45:45.150-08:00PossibilitiesThe Sunday comics may seem an odd place to find salient marriage advice, but as the calendar turns I’m reminded of the last strip that my all-time favorite comic artist ever published. On December 31, 1995 a new Calvin and Hobbes strip appeared in newspapers for the last time. To the heartbreak of fans around the world, Watterson retired the beloved characters, stating he had “done all he could with them.”<br />
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The scene: The boy and his tiger stand knee deep in snow holding a sled, eyes wide. The text goes like this:<br />
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C: Wow! It really snowed last night! Isn't it wonderful?<br />
H: Everything familiar has disappeared! The world looks brand new!<br />
C: A new year... a fresh, clean start!<br />
H: it's like having a big white sheet of paper to draw on!<br />
C: A day full of possibilities!<br />
C: It's a magical world, Hobbes ol' buddy... let's go exploring!<br />
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Despite being an end, it speaks wondrously to new adventures, fun to be had, and indeed, endless possibilities.<br />
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As Watterson named his characters with obvious religious symbolism, it doesn’t feel too wrong to find a godly message here. God says in Revelation 21:5 <i>“I am making everything new!”</i> Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 5:17 <i>“If anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!”</i> Even in the Old Testament, the author of Lamentations says <i>“[The Lord's] compassions never fail. They are new every morning.”</i><br />
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Whether or not we begin the year with a blanket of unspoiled snow covering our landscape, be reminded of this. God’s mercies are new. There are endless possibilities, and plenty to explore - including your marriage, and your spouse. Break out of old routines. Learn a new skill together; take a cooking class, or go to a painting night. Renew your efforts to learn things about your husband or wife that you don’t yet know - there are plenty. Buy each other a new article of clothing, and then wear them on a date to somewhere you’ve never been before. Choose a book neither of you has read; read it and discuss. Make a list of new bedroom “adventures” and see how long into the new year you get before needing to come up with more.<br />
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Shared experiences of new things can strengthen your bonds as they spur the bodies release of hormones like dopamine, adrenaline, and serotonin. These chemicals all are associated with new and passionate love. Think about it… the beginning of any relationship is marked by novelty, mystery and anxiety. Even though you know each other a little better now, you can recreate those bonding experiences by continuing to try new things together.Sojournerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13190911317619214185noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5885528139768048968.post-65157116861561903232019-11-11T09:51:00.001-08:002019-11-11T09:51:25.354-08:00Marriage and Prayer<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.656; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
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So many Christian marriage blogs, books and other media stress the importance of prayer. Pray for your spouse. Pray with your spouse. Pray for your sex life and each other’s well being. Pray before having hard conversations, that God may bless your communication and help you to understand one another. Not that the importance of any of those things should be refuted, but what if it’s also backwards? What if we need to improve our marriages for the benefit of our prayer life?<br />
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What if the state of our marriage directly affected the effectiveness of our prayers? The apostle Paul writes in 1 Peter 3:7<br />
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<i>Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.</i><br />
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As Gary Thomas tells married men in Sacred Marriage “He [Paul] is directly connecting our attitude towards and treatment of our wives with the fundamental Christian discipline of prayer. When we got married, a condition was put on our prayer lives, and that condition is tied directly to how we view and treat our wives.” This verse focuses on men, but the sentiment goes for women as well. This invalidates any and all excuses to avoid working on your marriage; your prayer life depends on it! Of course, there are many facets, many types of intimacy that make up married life and all are important for the overall health of the relationship. If any one of them is lacking, it can affect the rest of them - and your life outside of marriage<br />
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In 1 Corinthians 7:5 Paul again links prayer and the marriage relationship - specifically to the physical component.<br />
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<i>Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.</i><br />
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According to Paul here, for married couples sex comes first and foremost. Then prayer... and then more sex! The inference is that if either or both spouses is feeling deprived, then Satan has a foothold into their life and prayer suffers. God puts a premium value on relationships. In fact, to Him our relationships with each other are the most important thing! Read Christ’s words in Matthew 5:23-24<br />
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<i>Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.</i><br />
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Jesus is saying that God doesn’t want your sacrifice if there is a relationship in your life that isn’t right. Marriage is the most important earthly relationship, therefore it needs to be set right first, before we offer our gifts, our prayers or ourselves to God.<br />
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For married people, marriage is the foundation of everything else in their life. It is home base from whence you go forth into the world. When it is going well, both spouses are nigh invincible! But if the marriage is hurting, it drastically affects how effective the rest of your life is. It can hinder your work, put a damper on other relationships and negatively impact your mission and ministry efforts. More so, as married people we must consider our marriage as a large part of our ministry. If we choose to be married then caring for that union is an integral part of our kingdom work. How we ‘do’ marriage is vital in giving our lives a solid platform from which to operate AND in providing a picture to the world of God’s love for creation. If things in your marriage are not what you want them to be, pray for God’s help of course. But then take action! Pray that God would show you what you can do to improve the situation, what actions you can take to make things better. Doing so will increase the impact that you, through your efforts - and your prayers - can make on the world, doing your part to usher in God’s kingdom.Sojournerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13190911317619214185noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5885528139768048968.post-61219687682080486652019-10-07T14:18:00.001-07:002019-10-07T14:18:15.190-07:00Language Lessons<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Proverbs 22:6 says “<i>Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it</i>.” As discussed last month, the subtle meaning lost in translation is that each child is different, and thus so is “the way they should go.” This holds true for all people, even into adulthood. Each of us is “<i>fearfully and wonderfully made</i>” (Psalm 139:14) with a unique set of personality quirks and flaws, dreams, wants and desires. Each of us is also ‘built’ to give and receive love differently. Gary Chapman explores this in his book The Five Love Languages. Each person has one main one, and some mix of the other four languages. Chapman defines the five as Quality Time, Acts of Service, Gifts, Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch. There is a quiz online that you can take to find out what yours is at </span></span><a href="https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/" style="text-decoration-line: none;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #1155cc; font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; text-decoration-line: underline; text-decoration-skip-ink: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/</span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;">The danger in knowing which language your spouse ‘speaks’ is thinking that you know then how to love them. Using the language metaphor, knowing someone speaks Swahili is a long way from knowing how to speak to them and be understood in their native tongue. Obviously, you still need to learn their language, especially if it is different than yours! Even if you share a language, it goes without saying that you probably are fluent in different ‘dialects.’ The good news is you probably share the same actual, spoken language, and can discuss what loving - and being loved - means to each other. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Since every human is unique, each of the five languages has an infinite number of dialects. A husband who knows his wife has “acts of service” as her main love language might think he is loving her by taking care of her car; changing the oil, checking the tires, keeping it clean, etc. Cars are important to him, and therefore he believes he is loving her. She might not care about the car though, but would be thrilled by him vacuuming and doing the laundry. A husband with words of affirmation as his language might not be moved by his wife telling him directly she finds him attractive (she values attractiveness, and thus thinks commenting on his appearance is loving him). He would beam though, to see her praising his fatherhood skills or ability to fix things on social media. We all come into marriage with prejudices, predilections and predispositions… the only way to find out what your spouse’s are is to talk with them.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;">The last wrinkle in this is figuring out how to ‘speak’ your spouse’s language in all aspects of your lives together. Ask yourself how can acts of service manifest when planning date nights? How can gifts be given without spending money. How many different ways can words of affirmation be given? How many different media can they be used in? How can physical touch be incorporated into activities that *aren’t* sexual? Conversely, how can the other four languages be brought *into* the bedroom?</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Proverbs 18:15 says:</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge, for the ears of the wise seek it out.</i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-size: 14.6667px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Marriage is ordained by God to be for a lifetime, so that we have as long as possible to learn about our spouses. Understanding what their love language is should be an early lesson, as it is foundational to figuring out how to love them as they want and need. Mastering that language should be an ongoing pursuit. Their dialogue is unique to them, and alive! Like all languages, new words are added and old words fall out of use. Like marriage itself, undertaking “language lessons” is a choice you must make - over and over - as long as you both shall live.</span></span></div>
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Sojournerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13190911317619214185noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5885528139768048968.post-28256292179028732242019-09-11T07:26:00.000-07:002019-09-11T07:26:09.601-07:00To Each His (or her) OwnProverbs 22: 6 says<br />
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<i>Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.</i><br />
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This is an extremely important verse for parents, especially when you dig in to the original language and unpack what “the way they should go” means. This verse is often taken to imply an objective truth, and “the way” is taken as being universal, always the same, and applicable to every child. The word “they” though, is also extremely important. If we also take into account Psalm 139:14 “<i>I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made,</i>” we understand that each of us is unique, created by God to do specific works created for us to usher in his kingdom. It is sometimes hard for parents to grasp that they have work to do to understand who God has created their children to be. “The way they should go” is as unique as their fingerprints, and it is a parent’s job to discover this so that they can better love their offspring and help to “start them off” on the path God has prepared.<br />
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The same holds true for adults! We were all once those children, fearfully and wonderfully made, with kingdom work that we were uniquely created to do. As individuals, we each have our own ways of doing things, whether that be God’s work, our jobs - or housework. It is important when we are married to be cognizant that our spouses will do things differently than we will. If we are inflexible in our views on how tasks should be accomplished we might criticize them for not doing things the way we would. If we make a habit of this our spouse may be resentful, and may become less willing to voluntarily pitch in and try to help. This can eventually lead to contempt (in both parties) if not called out and discussed, and an understanding reached.<br />
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With life being so busy, it is imperative that both spouses are working towards common goals, each doing their part to keep their family functioning, and their household running smoothly. If one party starts nitpicking the other about how things get done, it hurts them and the marriage.<br />
The biblical imperative is clear: 1 Thessalonians 5:11 says “<i>Therefore encourage one another and build each other up</i>.” Be happy that they are helping, be grateful and encouraging, and they will be more willing to continue to find ways to pitch in. A finished task is a beautiful thing!Sojournerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13190911317619214185noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5885528139768048968.post-11883110058768845242019-08-12T11:01:00.002-07:002019-08-12T11:01:49.500-07:00The Four Horsemen IV: Contempt<span style="background-color: #d9ead3; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Drs. John and Julie Gottman are psychologists and therapists who have focused on the study of marriage for over four decades. John Gottman with a partner has studied thousands of couples and is famous for being able to predict with over 90% certainty what a couple’s happiness level will be in three years AND whether or not a couple will divorce - after an interview lasting only a hour. Even after 15 minutes their prediction success rate was over 80%, and after 3 minutes they were still in the 70% range. They have broken down and analyzed their findings and have come up with four communication styles that they call “the four horsemen” because they can usher in a relationship apocalypse. They are: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #d9ead3; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Contempt</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #d9ead3; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The final - and worst - of the four horsemen is contempt. Gottman’s forty years of research shows it to be the sign that, if present, is the most sure sign that divorce is impending or imminent. The top dictionary definition of contempt is “The feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn.” No wonder it is a bad sign if present in a marriage relationship! It can be caused by long standing negative thoughts, perhaps rooted in displeasure at certain behaviors but it is often expressed as attacks on the person. Contempt can manifest in a multitude of ways: insults and name calling, sneering, eye rolling, sarcasm and mean humor but all of them - at their core - express superiority and distaste, derision or even disgust. Simply stated, contempt is viewing someone and behaving towards them as if they are lesser, and you yourself are greater in comparison. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #d9ead3; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The bible of course warns against behaving thus. Paul writes in Romans 12:3</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i style="background-color: #d9ead3;">For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.</i></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #d9ead3; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Contempt sets up an adversarial relationship where a cooperational one should be. While it is directed at others, it hurts one’s self as well. Studies have shown that people in contemptuous relationships are more prone to illness and more stressed. It erodes health of all types - physical, emotional, and psychological.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #d9ead3; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If contempt is poison to a marriage, the anti-venom is two fold.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #d9ead3; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The first part of the ‘cure, as with most problems in relationships, is communication. Specifically, one must communicate their feelings about the behaviors that are causing consternation. If bottled up they can lead to disdain towards the other party as a person. It must be stated honestly and openly, and often. Both spouses must maintain an open dialogue so that issues can be discussed and hopefully resolved before they fester. Left unspoken these feelings can grow into problems so big they are not easily solved. Be very careful to state how you feel, how you are affected and not state how their actions are a problem, or how they are “wrong.” </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #d9ead3; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As important as an atmosphere of openness is part two: a culture of admiration and fondness. Strive always to remember the things about your spouse that caused you to fall in love with them in the first place! The Gottmans found in their research that couples who viewed their shared history positively were strengthened and protected against the effects of contempt. Reminisce! Focus on the good things, the fun times, and even on struggles you overcame together! Think of how you view your past in terms of Paul’s words in Phillipians 4:8</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i style="background-color: #d9ead3;">Finally, beloved, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is pleasing, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.</i></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #d9ead3; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ellie Lisitsa, an author with the Gottman Institute puts it thus:</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #d9ead3; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Although happy couples will feel frustrated at times by their partner’s personality flaws, they still feel that their partner is worthy of honor and respect.”</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #d9ead3; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We are ALL flawed. We are human, finite and imperfect. Remember that you are in need of grace before attacking your spouse personally after judging their behavior. Christ calls us to emulate him; forgive as you also need forgiveness, show grace as you also need it.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #d9ead3; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Always focus on the fact that you and your spouse are in this thing called life TOGETHER.</span>Sojournerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13190911317619214185noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5885528139768048968.post-50869498229272705872019-06-09T18:40:00.001-07:002019-06-09T18:40:14.223-07:00The Four Horsemen III: StonewallingDrs. John and Julie Gottman are psychologists and therapists who have focused on the study of marriage for over four decades. John Gottman with a partner has studied thousands of couples and is famous for being able to predict with over 90% certainty what a couple’s happiness level will be in three years AND whether or not a couple will divorce - after an interview lasting only a hour. Even after 15 minutes their prediction success rate was over 80%, and after 3 minutes they were still in the 70% range. They have broken down and analyzed their findings and have come up with four communication styles that they call “the four horsemen” because they can usher in a relationship apocalypse. They are: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt.<br />
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<b>Stonewalling</b><br />
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At the height of the curve of criticism and defensiveness, one partner may become overwhelmed, be flooded with emotion and may react with the third horseman - stonewalling. This is when someone completely “checks out” of the conversation or argument. They may look away, become unresponsive, start fiddling with their phone or engaging in other distracted (or distracting) activities. Fighting about the same subjects over and over with no progress being made can lead to stonewalling, as can a perception that the discussions are always negative. In Gottman’s studies, they determine that “masters” of relationships, the people who are most likely to be successful maintain a ratio of 5:1 between positive and negative interactions. As humans we are prone to focusing on negatives, so the disparity between the two is important for there to be positive outcomes. Stonewalling is not just a choice to avoid conflict though. The study noted measurable physiological signs exhibited by stonewallers: increased heart rate, increased stress hormones in the bloodstream, shallow breathing - all the hallmarks of a “flight or fight” response. When this happens, the ability to process information is hampered. Peripheral vision, hearing comprehension and attention span all suffer, and as a result so does the ability to empathize, and to solve problems creatively.<br />
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In Gottman’s work (with Dr. Robert Levenson) they found men made up 85% of the participants that exhibited this behavior. Many felt that by continuing to engage in the discussion their input would just make matters worse, and they aimed to just “weather the storm” by ceasing to participate. Of course, when you feel the other person has checked out of a heated discussion that can make matters worse.<br />
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The key to dealing with stonewalling is to recognize when you are engaged in it, and take a break. The stonewaller must be able to know when they are checking out, and remove themselves from the stressors that are causing the response. This is not to be looked at as escaping though, since avoiding a problem rarely solves it. It must be with the understanding that once you heart rate comes down and your physiological state is back to baseline, you will return and continue the discussion about the issue at hand. To be effective, the break must involve activities or behaviors that will not foster dwelling on what is bringing you to that point. (Men, again, were most likely to dwell, or “rehearse distress maintaining thoughts.) Taking a walk, playing a game, reading or listening to music were all listed as helpful behaviors. Mindfulness, focused breathing and alternately flexing and relaxing the parts of your body that felt tense also were recommended. All of these fall under the label “self soothing.” Being proficient at them is important not just in romantic relationships but in all of life. If you can recognize when you are overwhelmed, and can intentionally calm yourself you will be more likely to be able to navigate all the stressful situations that life can deal out. If your partner is the one being overwhelmed and tuning you out, you can help by working towards the 5:1 ratio of positive and negative interactions. Think of ways to include more humor, empathy, affection and interest, and you will help the two of you remain connected and engaged. Always remember that you and your spouse are a team, and strive to avoid seeing the relationship as adversarial.<br />
<br />Sojournerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13190911317619214185noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5885528139768048968.post-55193584151811413102019-05-10T09:31:00.004-07:002019-05-10T09:31:52.250-07:00The Four Horsemen II: DefensivenessDrs. John and Julie Gottman are psychologists and therapists who have focused on the study of marriage for over four decades. John Gottman with a partner has studied thousands of couples and is famous for being able to predict with over 90% certainty what a couple’s happiness level will be in three years AND whether or not a couple will divorce - after an interview lasting only a hour. Even after 15 minutes their prediction success rate was over 80%, and after 3 minutes they were still in the 70% range. They have broken down and analyzed their findings and have come up with four communication styles that they call “the four horsemen” because they can usher in a relationship apocalypse. They are: <i>criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt.</i><br />
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<b>Defensiveness</b><br />
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The next horseman often occurs as a reactions to Criticism, the first horseman. It is our instinct to defend ourselves... It can happen when the dialogue takes on the form of an attack, but also when we simply perceive it as such, when someone else’s point of view challenges our own. In either case, instead of a discussion we now have an argument. Both parties stop listening to hear, and listen only as much as they think they need to counter. If the actual problem is represented by a tennis ball, spouses become the players furiously swinging their rackets, each attempting to “win.” If one side “wins” though, the relationship itself, and thus both sides tend to lose.<br />
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Defensiveness can take on different forms. One manifestation is justifying the behavior that is being criticized, or that we feel is under attack. These can be knee-jerk reactions seeking to deflect blame. These can be as simple as “I forgot” or “I was busy.” The defensive person can also construct long winded rationalizations. These often start with what seems to be acceptance of wrong doing, but that is then followed by a “but” that seeks to excuse what has occurred. “I know I’ve been a jerk lately, but I’ve been under so much stress at work.” Another form defensiveness takes is seeking to shift blame onto the attacking party. “No I didn’t RSVP to that event; I had to pick up the kids and go to the store. You knew I’d be busy, why didn’t you do it?” “I know I snapped at you, but with all I’m going through at work, you should have know I’d have a short fuse… why did you even try and talk to me?”<br />
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In all forms of defensiveness, what the defender is trying to do is not take responsibility for whatever the behavior is that is being criticized. We must seek to understand our spouse’s point of view, regardless of whether or not we agree with it. We must listen to hear, and not just listen to respond. We must take responsibility for our part in whatever is going on. 1 Corinthians 13 tells us that “love holds no record of wrongs” but it also says “Love does not seek its own way.” Perhaps more importantly, love “always protects, always hopes, and always trusts.” No matter how heated a discussion gets, seek first to protect the relationship with your words and how you respond. Trust that your partner is just seeking to overcome a misunderstanding, or that they have a valid issue they are bringing up. Above all hold on to hope that both parties want to work towardSojournerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13190911317619214185noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5885528139768048968.post-683854270517202032019-05-10T09:31:00.000-07:002019-05-10T09:31:15.649-07:00The Four Horsemen I: Criticism<div style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">
<span style="background-color: #d9ead3;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; white-space: pre-wrap;">Drs. John and Julie Gottman are psychologists and therapists who have focused on the study of marriage for over four decades. John Gottman with a partner has studied thousands of couples and is famous for being able to predict with over 90% certainty what a couple’s happiness level will be in three years AND whether or not a couple will divorce - after an interview lasting only a hour. Even after 15 minutes their prediction success rate was over 80%, and after 3 minutes they were still in the 70% range. They have broken down and analyzed their findings and have come up with four communication styles that they call “the four horsemen” because they can usher in a relationship apocalypse. They are: </span><i style="color: black; font-family: Arial; white-space: pre-wrap;">criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-weight: 700; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Criticism</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The first “horseman” is criticism. It appears first on the list because it is probably the most common. It is important to realize first what is is NOT. Criticism is not merely voicing a complaint, or offering a critique that is meant to be constructive. Both of those deal with a specific action, behavior or scenario. Criticism is an attack on the the character of the target. Criticism is often marked by words like “always” or “never” and invariably uses the word “you.” “You’re always late!” “You never help around the house!” and “You never listen to what I’m saying!” are all examples of criticism. Always and never imply a character trait that is consistent and negative, a character flaw, that is at the heart of whatever behavior or actions are actually the issue. The problem with this type of attack is the the target will almost always feel forced into a defensive posture, and this severely limits the dialogue as far as achieving real results. Once the dynamic is reduced to attack and defend, the actual issue gets lost and it becomes an argument rather than a discussion or conversation. Change will almost never occur as a result of an argument. </span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Gottmans do not simply call out and label this behavior, they offer antidotes for all the four horsemen. Instead of criticizing, they say, express a need. Vulnerability goes a long way where criticism often leads to antagonism and fights. Before you speak , ask yourself: What actions or behaviors are bothering me? What emotions are they making me feel? What do I need from my partner? They use the term “gentle start up” as a way to bring up issues in a way that fosters openness and dialogue that leads to solving problems or correcting issues. Consider the following: Instead of “You’re always late!” say “When we’re late to something I feel embarrassed. It’s important to me to arrive to events on time. Could we work to make that happen?” Instead of “You never help around the house!” try “I am feeling really overwhelmed keeping the house running. I could really use some more help to keep things under control.” Instead of “You never listen to what I’m saying” go with “It hurts when I don’t feel heard or understood. I need to vent sometimes, and all I need you to do is listen.”</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">As in most things, the Bible also has something to say and it lines up neatly with the Gottman’s observations and recommendations. Proverbs 15:1 says:</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-style: italic; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Think before you speak, and frame the conversation in terms of what you feel and what you need. It never comes across as an attack that way, and the other person is much less likely to react defensively. The conversation has a greater chance to be constructive, and change is much more likely to occur.</span></div>
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Sojournerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13190911317619214185noreply@blogger.com0