Failure

Have you ever failed at something? If you answered no, you ARE human, right? If so, I suspect you might be lying. More specifically, have you ever failed at something in your marriage? I have. Often.

It happens, folks. We are all human, with the finite fallibility that implies. We will fail, over and over again. That’s a depressing way to start a marriage article, but my point is this:

We all need to allow ourselves to be human. We are going to fail, but when we do, we don’t need to beat ourselves up. We don’t need to be angry at ourselves, or be dispirited, and by all means we must not quit. Bob Goff talks about this in his book, Love Does.

Failure is just part of the process, and it’s not just okay; it’s better than okay. God doesn’t want failure to shut us down. God didn’t make it a three strike and you’re out sort of thing. It’s more about how God helps us dust ourselves off and swing for the fences again. And all of this without keeping a meticulous record of our screw ups.

We need to accept that we are not perfect, even as we strive to follow Jesus’ examples of how to love. In all humility, when we fall short we need to realize how much we need God, that only in him can we begin to love as we ought.

"We need to accept that our spouses aren’t perfect, and strive to show them the grace and forgiveness that God gives us. If our brother is due forgiveness seventy times seven times, (Matthew 18:22) how much more so our spouses? Again, with humility we need to see our own failings when our spouses disappoint us, and realize that we need the same grace and forgiveness we are called to give."

God says in 2 Corinthians 12:9

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.

Do we believe that? Do we truly grasp what that means? It means we are free. We don’t have to be perfect - which is a huge relief, since we can’t! We need only to rely on God, and seek him and his will, not just for our marriages but our lives. When we are deeply invested in his word and its implications for us, we can rest easy. Consider these verses:

For if their purpose or activity is of human origin, it will fail. - Acts 5:38
For no word from God will ever fail. - Luke 1:37

What are you relying on?

Seek Godly counsel

“Misery loves company.“

The old adage has a lot of truth to it. When we are down we desire comfort, and few things bring a married person down more than marital discord. When we seek comfort in these situations though, it can lead us to seek out not the people who will give us the best advice, but rather the advice we want to hear. Also dangerous is the fact that modern society makes it hip to bash the institution of marriage. Complaining to friends about one’s spouse is constant fodder in movies, sit-coms, and comedy routines. It has become too easy, too acceptable to talk about your marriage problems to people who have no interest in helping you solve them. At best this is unhelpful - and at worst it can be destructive. If you are complaining about your spouse, your account is slanted to your point of view. Your friends will more than likely side with you, and it quickly becomes a downward spiral that leaves you convinced you are right, or have been wronged. When that happens, there is little chance there will be room in your heart for grace, forgiveness and humility when you and your spouse are together again.

Those traits - grace, forgiveness and humility - are the keys to effective problem solving. They are the hallmarks of God’s kingdom, which we are implored to strive for in Matthew 6:33.  “Seek first his kingdom, and His righteousness.” You must talk to your spouse first if there is an issue to resolve. Sometimes though, problems are too big, hurts run too deep, for a couple to effectively work out on their own. If you must talk to a third party be sure and seek out someone who will give you honest advice from a Godly perspective, and not just someone you know will agree with your take on the problem. Obviously, it is not easy to talk about problems in your marriage with just anyone, so this underscores the need to be in a strong, Christian community. When there are people in your life that you regularly study God’s word with, they are able to give you an objective viewpoint, one grounded in Biblical truth. In James 5:16 we are called to “confess our sins to one another, and pray for one another that we may be healed.” None of us is meant to take on our problems in isolation. It is easy when we struggle to believe that we are all alone, that no one could understand exactly  what we are going through. These thoughts are Satan’s lies at work on our flawed selves! Being in an active community of believers gives you a network in which you don’t have to be alone.

In Galatians 6:1-3 we are implored to not only “bear one another’s burdens” but also to “restore in a spirit of gentleness a brother or sister caught in any trespass.” The love we share in community goes both ways; we are there to be supported, but also to support our brothers and sisters in Christ as there is need. For those of you in strong, healthy marriages, be relationship mentors to a young couple. Honestly share your wisdom, your experiences. Show them how God has blessed you, and why His plans for couples are for the best. Work towards strengthening other marriages, and you will also bless your own!

Quantity vs. Quality

In the book “Art and Fear” there is a passage about a ceramics class. The professor split the class into two; one half was to be graded on quantity. At the end of the class their finished works would be weighed. If they had 50 pounds, they got an A, 40 pounds got a B, and so on. The other group was to be graded on quality. They had to produce only one pot, but to get an A it had to be perfect...

Well, come grading time and a curious fact emerged: the works of highest quality were all produced by the group being graded for quantity!

It seems that while the “quantity” group was busily churning out piles of work - and learning from their mistakes - the “quality” group had sat theorizing about perfection, and in the end had little more to show for their efforts than grandiose theories and a pile of dead clay.

Thomas Edison, when questioned about all his failures while trying to create a working incandescent light bulb said this:

I have not failed; I've just found 10,000 ways that didn't work.

How does this apply to marriage? What activities do you do too carefully, afraid to fail, trying too hard to be perfect? If you’ve been chastised for doing something “wrong” before, you might be unwilling to do it again. Remember that failure is just a chance to learn, and thus to grow. Take criticisms as constructive, and try to get into your spouse’s head. What do they want? What do they expect, or hope for? If it’s not obvious, ASK! Start a dialogue. If it strays away from the subject at hand... that’s fine. Your goal should always be to learn more, that you might love better.

Here’s a case study. Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo do a podcast about marriage, which can be found here:  http://www.oneextraordinarymarriage.com/category/podcast

They talk from a Christian point of view, so it’s refreshing that they are so open and honest about physical intimacy among other topics. Their first episode was about something that completely changed their marriage, maybe even saved it. They were leading a couples’ small group study, and decided to challenge themselves to make love - for sixty straight days. Now, some of you just laughed, some snorted, some cringed... and some raised an eyebrow, or both. They admit to “only” doing it for 40 of the 60 days, but they tell about how their communication skills - in AND out of the bedroom - drastically improved, and (after a month of recovery) their sex life did too.

If you’re committed to the challenge, “same old” is going to get boring pretty quickly. You’ll have to expand your horizons, talk about and try new things to keep going. Some of these efforts will fail, and as a result you will learn. And grow. Too often, we shy away from suggesting anything new or different out of fear; fear that failure will lead to disappointment and future rejection. Too often we settle instead of strive to avoid the pain that failure can cause. We need to remain firm in our commitment to our spouse, seeking to serve even when one or both are struggling. Consider Job 34:4. As they are trying to figure out Job’s tough situation, Elihu says:

Let us discern for ourselves what is right; let us learn together what is good

Ourselves; plural. Together. Take the same attitude with your spouse. In all types of intimacy, physical and otherwise, never stop exploring each other and experimenting. When things don’t work, talk. Apologize if necessary, laugh with each other when possible, and keep moving forward! Inevitably, things will come up; whether it be emotional scars from the past, or views about things that you may have never shared. All of these can serve to bring the two of you closer if they are discussed vulnerably and transparently, with love not judgement; with grace. As Paul wrote in Phillipians 1:30

We are in this struggle together. You have seen my struggle in the past, and you know that I am still in the midst of it.

Even now that you are one flesh, each of you still have your own issues. Work through them as a team. It will take time; as I’ve said before, a human soul is complex. We marry for life because it takes that long to get to know one another fully. The rewards though are amazing. Thomas Edison again:

Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

Don’t ever give up.

Value

John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. The Bible is full of verses that let us know that God loves us. The various authors take pains to make sure we know not only that we are loved, but also how much; to what lengths God goes to express that love - despite our flaws!. It is clear throughout scripture that we have not earned God’s love; indeed we can not earn it. It is a gift, undeserved but given freely. Why does God, through the prophets and apostles, continually point out the breadth and depth of his love for us? Because knowing that you are loved unconditionally, knowing that we are valued and desired, knowing that someone would go to extremes to prove their love has a transformative power on us. We who are married have a similar power. We have the privilege to love our spouse in ways that affirm them, strengthen them and act as a catalyst for God to “finish the good work He has begun in them.” (Phillipians 1:6) I read a story that recounted an old tale from the island of Kiniwata. A custom on this island was for a prospective husband to pay a price to the father of his would be bride, traditionally two or three cows. The story tells of how Johnny Lingo, the island’s most eligible bachelor paid eight cows for his wife, who at the time of the marriage was plain of looks, meek and shy in demeanor. A writer for Woman’s Day heard this story and went to interview the couple. Upon meeting Johnny’s wife, the author remarked that she was the most beautiful women she had ever seen. When asked about his actions, Johnny himself said this: “Many things can change a woman... But the thing that matters most is what she thinks about herself. In Kiniwata, Sarita believed she was worth nothing. Now she knows she is worth more than any other woman in the islands ... I wanted an eight-cow wife.” Read more here: http://www.growthtrac.com/artman/publish/inspire-wife-romance-1369.php I have long believed that confidence is the most important factor to physical attractiveness. Nothing boosts confidence more than knowing that you are cherished by another, just for being you. You may be already married, but brainstorm ideas of how you can let your spouse know they are worth more to you than anyone else. Love them such that there is no doubt in their mind what they mean to you, even at those times when they don’t deserve it... because that’s how God loves us - and there is nothing more powerfully able to transform us into what he has created us to be.

1/2 Marathon Challenge, Day 13

The finish line!

As others have said, I have enjoyed this challenge immensely, but I - like others - doubt that I am cut out for everyday blogging. If God tells me differently, I’ll listen, but in my own strength, it probably won’t happen. I will also echo others’ sentiments that the real joy of this challenge has been discovering all the other voices out there, shouting in our cultural wilderness about God’s love and his design for holy matrimony. It is encouraging to know that although I am still waiting to hear a Sunday morning sermon on 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, so many voices are unafraid to tackle the tough topics that come along with making Godly marriages work in our fallen world. I look forward to going back and reading all the posts I missed. Kudos to you all, and amen!

I will end this challenge with a prayer.

God in Heaven, merciful Lord and creator of all things, giver of all gifts
I pray for the marriages represented by all the writers and readers that took part in the last two weeks. Be with us all, blessing us that we might be blessings to our spouses, and that our marriages might serve you, ushering in your kingdom as examples of what you intended. Let us be pictures of your love and grace on us all.

God bless every husband and wife with a heart to serve their spouse. Open their eyes, ears and hearts to one another, grant them discernment to see how they can better love and cherish one another, and thus honor and glorify you with that love.

God I pray for those marriages that are struggling. Wrap them in your arms and let them draw upon your strength to shore up where necessary or rebuild if that is what is needed. Be a force in their lives and relationships, tangible and irresistible, working towards reconciliation and unconditional love.

God you are the giver of all gifts, including marriage, including our spouses. Help us to accept the blessings you shower on us with humility and gratitude. Help us to make the most of what we’ve been given, according to your will.

In your son’s precious name I pray.

Amen

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1/2 marathon Challenge, Day 12

A wise man, filling in for our regular pastor while he was on vacation one year, made a brilliant point that I will herein seek to paraphrase and expound upon. In Galatians 5:22-23 Paul lists the fruits of the Spirit:

The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

There are nine fruits listed there, all excellent traits for a person to seek to nurture and develop within themselves. One is different though, the first. Love. It is the greatest of the “trinity” of faith, hope and Love, we are told, and indeed, it is used as a descriptor - or rather, the very essence of - God. 1 John 4:16b says without ambiguity “God is love.” I’m sure that is why love was listed first among the fruits. Taking that a step further, you can even say that all the others are intrinsically rooted in love, and impossible to find or receive without it. Love is that powerful. When Jesus was asked what the greatest commandment was, he talked of nothing but love. Love for God with one’s whole being above all, immediately followed by love for others. (Matthew 22:34-40) Of course, the latter is impossible without the former and those two, Jesus said, sum up the entire law.

So, what happens when we let God work through us? When we let God’s love wash over us and fill us, it spills out, like the stream of living water Christ talked about at the feast. (John 7:38) When it spills from us and goes forth, it affects those around us, and we see as their manifestations the other eight fruits - LOVE being worked out in our lives. Paul documents these in the most famous verses about love, 1 Corinthians 13:

Joy. “Love rejoices with the truth.” (v. 6) Love, true agape love from God cannot help but to produce joy.
Peace. “Love does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud” (v. 5) These behaviors and traits do not foster peace, but only division and hard feelings.
Patience and kindness. “Love is patient, love is kind.” (v. 4)
Goodness. “Love keeps no record of wrongs, and does not delight in evil.” (v. 5-6) Does any act show goodness more than we we forgive? And of course we are implored to run from every evil.
Faithfulness. “Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (v. 7-8) As God’s love for us is faithful, unending and unconditional, so should we strive to have the same love for others.
Gentleness. “Love is not self seeking, or quick to anger.” (v. 5)
Self-control. “Love never fails.” (v. 8) If we were to let our humanity rule, our love would fail. It is  only through the discipline of constantly being in the Word that we keep the conduit clear, and God's love can continue to flow through us.

This type of love is impossible for human strength to accomplish, impossible for human hearts to live out. But we know that “With God, all things are possible.” Jesus said just that in Matthew 19:26. We must trust in the love of God for us, his children. We must trust in his grace. When we do, we can love and forgive ourselves as well, and extend that love and forgiveness to those around us.

Marriage is a holy institution of God, above all other relationships between people. We can start with our spouses when we rest in God’s love for us. Who doesn’t desire the fruits of the spirit to be abundant in their home? Abide in God’s love, and he will abide in you, blessing you that you might be a blessing to others - to your spouse and family, and as an example to those outside your walls.

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1/2 marathon Challenge, Day 11

In a secular world that increasingly sees marriage as quaint at best, or irrelevant at worst, we as Christians must provide the counter argument: that marriages are important to the ushering in of God’s kingdom, because they act as a snapshot of His love for us, and all of his creation. That marriage gives us an idea of Christ’s love and devotion, his sacrifice and commitment to the church, his people. With that said, we as married Christians need to look at how we do marriage, and ask ourselves if our unions are presenting the right picture. Part of our purpose is to honor and glorify God as we go forth and spread the good news, making disciples of all nations. I don’t think these are jobs to take lightly, or do without serious effort. indeed we are implored in Ecclesiastes 9:10 “Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might” and not for ourselves. In 1 Corinthians 10:31 we are told “So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.” Are you doing marriage that way? Are you loving your spouse in such a way as someone observing you would see a picture of God’s love, or agape? Unconditional, and sacrificial? Are you working at making your marriage to the absolute best of your ability, sparing no effort and withholding nothing? Obviously this is not easy. Indeed, relying solely on human strength it would be impossible. We must constantly remind ourselves of God’s grace and forgiveness towards us, of Christ’s love and sacrifice on our behalf if we are going to show those same attitudes to our spouses. It is only through his love that we can love others. As Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 1:12: Our conscience testifies that we have conducted ourselves in the world, and especially in our relations with you, with integrity and godly sincerity. We have done so, relying not on worldly wisdom but on God’s grace. We must be devoted to the task at hand, disciplined as we develop love and grace as habits, until they are second nature in how we deal with our spouses. Stay humble in the task at hand, and be grateful for all the blessings God has given you and your spouse, and even be thankful for the trials that have made you stronger. Colossians 3:17 says: Whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Do marriage with that Spirit, with all your might, and see how God blesses you both as a result.

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