The Four Horsemen III: Stonewalling

Drs. John and Julie Gottman are psychologists and therapists who have focused on the study of marriage for over four decades. John Gottman with a partner has studied thousands of couples and is famous for being able to predict with over 90%  certainty what a couple’s happiness level will be in three years AND whether or not a couple will divorce - after an interview lasting only a hour. Even after 15 minutes their prediction success rate was over 80%, and after 3 minutes they were still in the 70% range. They have broken down and analyzed their findings and have come up with four communication styles that they call “the four horsemen” because they can usher in a relationship apocalypse. They are: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt.

Stonewalling

At the height of the curve of criticism and defensiveness, one partner may become overwhelmed, be flooded with emotion and may react with the third horseman - stonewalling. This is when someone completely “checks out” of the conversation or argument. They may look away, become unresponsive, start fiddling with their phone or engaging in other distracted (or distracting) activities. Fighting about the same subjects over and over with no progress being made can lead to stonewalling, as can a perception that the discussions are always negative. In Gottman’s studies, they determine that “masters” of relationships, the people who are most likely to be successful maintain a ratio of 5:1 between positive and negative interactions. As humans we are prone to focusing on negatives, so the disparity between the two is important for there to be positive outcomes. Stonewalling is not just a choice to avoid conflict though. The study noted measurable physiological signs exhibited by stonewallers: increased heart rate, increased stress hormones in the bloodstream, shallow breathing - all the hallmarks of a “flight or fight” response. When this happens, the ability to process information is hampered. Peripheral vision, hearing comprehension and attention span all suffer, and as a result so does the ability to empathize, and to solve problems creatively.

In Gottman’s work (with Dr. Robert Levenson) they found men made up 85% of the participants that exhibited this behavior. Many felt that by continuing to engage in the discussion their input would just make matters worse, and they aimed to just “weather the storm” by ceasing to participate. Of course, when you feel the other person has checked out of a heated discussion that can make matters worse.

The key to dealing with stonewalling is to recognize when you are engaged in it, and take a break. The stonewaller must be able to know when they are checking out, and remove themselves from the stressors that are causing the response. This is not to be looked at as escaping though, since avoiding a problem rarely solves it. It must be with the understanding that once you heart rate comes down and your physiological state is back to baseline, you will return and continue the discussion about the issue at hand. To be effective, the break must involve activities or behaviors that will not foster dwelling on what is bringing you to that point. (Men, again, were most likely to dwell, or “rehearse distress maintaining thoughts.) Taking a walk, playing a game, reading or listening to music were all listed as helpful behaviors. Mindfulness, focused breathing and alternately flexing and relaxing the parts of your body that felt tense also were recommended. All of these fall under the label “self soothing.” Being proficient at them is important not just in romantic relationships but in all of life. If you can recognize when you are overwhelmed, and can intentionally calm yourself you will be more likely to be able to navigate all the stressful situations that life can deal out. If your partner is the one being overwhelmed and tuning you out, you can help by working towards the 5:1 ratio of positive and negative interactions. Think of ways to include more humor, empathy, affection and interest, and you will help the two of you remain connected and engaged. Always remember that you and your spouse are a team, and strive to avoid seeing the relationship as adversarial.

The Four Horsemen II: Defensiveness

Drs. John and Julie Gottman are psychologists and therapists who have focused on the study of marriage for over four decades. John Gottman with a partner has studied thousands of couples and is famous for being able to predict with over 90%  certainty what a couple’s happiness level will be in three years AND whether or not a couple will divorce - after an interview lasting only a hour. Even after 15 minutes their prediction success rate was over 80%, and after 3 minutes they were still in the 70% range. They have broken down and analyzed their findings and have come up with four communication styles that they call “the four horsemen” because they can usher in a relationship apocalypse. They are: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt.

Defensiveness

The next horseman often occurs as a reactions to Criticism, the first horseman. It is our instinct to defend ourselves... It can happen when the dialogue takes on the form of an attack, but also when we simply perceive it as such, when someone else’s point of view challenges our own. In either case, instead of a discussion we now have an argument. Both parties stop listening to hear, and listen only as much as they think they need to counter. If the actual problem is represented by a tennis ball, spouses become the players furiously swinging their rackets, each attempting to “win.” If one side “wins” though, the relationship itself, and thus both sides tend to lose.

Defensiveness can take on different forms. One manifestation is justifying the behavior that is being criticized, or that we feel is under attack. These can be knee-jerk reactions seeking to deflect blame. These can be as  simple as “I forgot” or “I was busy.” The defensive person can also construct long winded rationalizations. These often start with what seems to be acceptance of wrong doing, but that is then followed by a “but” that seeks to excuse what has occurred. “I know I’ve been a jerk lately, but I’ve been under so much stress at work.”  Another form defensiveness takes is seeking to shift blame onto the attacking party. “No I didn’t RSVP to that event; I had to pick up the kids and go to the store. You knew I’d be busy, why didn’t you do it?” “I know I snapped at you, but with all I’m going through at work, you should have know I’d have a short fuse… why did you even try and talk to me?”

In all forms of defensiveness, what the defender is trying to do is not take responsibility for whatever the behavior is that is being criticized. We must seek to understand our spouse’s point of view, regardless of whether or not we agree with it. We must listen to hear, and not just listen to respond. We must take responsibility for our part in whatever is going on. 1 Corinthians 13 tells us that “love holds no record of wrongs” but it also says “Love does not seek its own way.” Perhaps more importantly, love “always protects, always hopes, and always trusts.” No matter how heated a discussion gets, seek first to protect the relationship with your words and how you respond. Trust that your partner is just seeking to overcome a misunderstanding, or that they have a valid issue they are bringing up. Above all hold on to hope that both parties want to work toward

The Four Horsemen I: Criticism

Drs. John and Julie Gottman are psychologists and therapists who have focused on the study of marriage for over four decades. John Gottman with a partner has studied thousands of couples and is famous for being able to predict with over 90%  certainty what a couple’s happiness level will be in three years AND whether or not a couple will divorce - after an interview lasting only a hour. Even after 15 minutes their prediction success rate was over 80%, and after 3 minutes they were still in the 70% range. They have broken down and analyzed their findings and have come up with four communication styles that they call “the four horsemen” because they can usher in a relationship apocalypse. They are: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt.

Criticism

The first “horseman” is criticism. It appears first on the list because it is probably the most common. It is important to realize first what is is NOT. Criticism is not merely voicing a complaint, or offering a critique that is meant to be constructive. Both of those deal with a specific action, behavior or scenario. Criticism is an attack on the the character of the target. Criticism is often marked by words like “always” or “never” and invariably uses the word “you.” “You’re always late!” “You never help around the house!” and “You never listen to what I’m saying!” are all examples of criticism. Always and never imply a character trait that is consistent and negative, a character flaw, that is at the heart of whatever behavior or actions are actually the issue. The problem with this type of attack is the the target will almost always feel forced into a defensive posture, and this severely limits the dialogue as far as achieving real results. Once the dynamic is reduced to attack and defend, the actual issue gets lost and it becomes an argument rather than a discussion or conversation. Change will almost never occur as a result of an argument.

The Gottmans do not simply call out and label this behavior, they offer antidotes for all the four horsemen. Instead of criticizing, they say, express a need. Vulnerability goes a long way where criticism often leads to antagonism and fights. Before you speak , ask yourself: What actions or behaviors are bothering me? What emotions are they making me feel? What do I need from my partner? They use the term “gentle start up” as a way to bring up issues in a way that fosters openness and dialogue that leads to solving problems or correcting issues. Consider the following: Instead of “You’re always late!” say “When we’re late to something I feel embarrassed. It’s important to me to arrive to events on time. Could we work to make that happen?” Instead of “You never help around the house!” try “I am feeling really overwhelmed keeping the house running. I could really use some more help to keep things under control.” Instead of “You never listen to what I’m saying” go with “It hurts when I don’t feel heard or understood. I need to vent sometimes, and all I need you to do is listen.”

As in most things, the Bible also has something to say and it lines up neatly with the Gottman’s observations and recommendations. Proverbs 15:1 says:

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Think before you speak, and frame the conversation in terms of what you feel and what you need. It never comes across as an attack that way, and the other person is much less likely to react defensively. The conversation has a greater chance to be constructive, and change is much more likely to occur.

Curious?

In his 1937 classic How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie wrote, “You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” How often are we truly interested in our spouse? How often are we still curious about how they see the world, what they think about things, what makes them unique? It is easy after you’ve been with someone for any length of time to think you know them, to think you know how they’ll respond to a question or event, to know what will make them smile, laugh, cry or get upset. The danger in this is that when you think you know the other person, you no longer are curious, you no longer feel the need to learn. Humans are complex creatures. I’ve written before that I believe marriage was created by God to be for life because it takes a lifetime to truly know another person, even when you live with them. Plus, people change. We all as humans have good days and bad days, and accordingly our responses to problems, our emotional triggers and even what strikes us as funny can be drastically different from one day to the next. Some months are harder on some people than others. Seasons affect people differently. Year to year we can change jobs, pick up hobbies and drop others, be in different states of health. Over time we grow, and as that happens we are no longer the same. It is said that you can never jump in the same river twice; you may recognize the banks but the water you were in has moved on to the sea. People are similar to rivers in this respect. They may look familiar, but underneath they have seen things, done things, learned and forgotten things, and they have changed to suit. These changes are usually gradual, and when you live with another person day in and day out they are easy to miss. A sudden change can cause people to take stock though. It is common for a couple who have been pouring their energy into their children and not their marriage to say they “no longer know” their spouse when they are suddenly find themselves empty-nesters. The death of a family member or loss of a job, or any sudden big change can cause such reflection and can be damaging to a relationship if they have been taking each other for granted and assuming they knew their partner. It is crucial to make a habit of talking deeply with your spouse often, and “getting to know them” over and over again. Proverbs 5:18 says May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. Solomon writes in Ecclesiastes 9:9 Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days… God has given you under the sun. One way to delight and rejoice in your spouse is to seek to learn about them. Find new things to appreciate, seek to understand why they feel and act certain ways, what they love or loathe - and why! Learning new things about your husband or wife can revitalize a relationship that has become stagnant, refresh affection that has gone stale. A professor of mine in graduate school used to always tell us “Never assume you have enough information. There is always more to learn.” The same is true in marriage.

Speak up! Truthfully... (in love)

Communication is often the first casualty.

Two people get married after time spent dating, going out to dinner and talking long after the check arrives, chatting while walking through parks and to and from the car to movies, concerts and parties, spending hours on the phone discussing everything (and nothing). Communication comes easy, and is absolutely key to this stage of a relationship as the future spouses try and get to know each other, determining whether this is the “one” to grow old with. You would think that indelible communication habits would be formed, ways to share ideas and concerns, to learn the other’s heart and open one’s own.

After the wedding though, life sets in. Work schedules and volunteer commitments start to cut into time that was spent on connecting during dating and courtship. Then kids arrive, and life is never the same. Late night feedings, teething induced crying fits, temper tantrums all take up relationship  bandwidth that was supporting intimacy. Schedules get fuller and life gets more and more hectic as play dates are replaced by practice schedules, rehearsals and recitals, and soon a couple has seemingly no time to invest in their marriage. The loss of connection and intimacy is bad enough, but the problems that result from that are only solvable by… open and honest communication. Which takes time. Which is already scarce.

With everything already crazy it can seem daunting to find the time to discuss issues or concerns. It takes time but also requires a mindset that is hard to find when you’re stressed and exhausted. It can also seem dangerous to ‘rock the boat.’ The comfort of knowing the situation you’re in is seductive when compared to the unknown of how your spouse might react if you brought up a thorny issue. The sarcastic and trite cliches of “Happy wife, happy life” and “Learn two words: Yes Dear” are born of this mindset - swallow your feelings even if something is bugging you. Just agree to keep the peace.

It’s a lie, though. When issues and concerns are left unvoiced and problems unresolved, they fester. Resentment grows little by little, and when it gets bad enough people claim “irreconcilable differences” and throw the relationship away. Of course the differences were most likely reconcilable if they were addressed when they first became apparent. Proverbs 12:25 says

Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up.

The key is to broach difficult subjects in a manner that does not provoke defensiveness, that fosters openness and honesty, and that seeks common ground and togetherness.

This is the model Christ gives us. As Paul states in Ephesians 4:15

Speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.

Marriage is hard work. Talking out hard issues and solving problems is not fun, but it is vital for a relationship to grow and remain healthy and vibrant. Developing habits that lead to frequent emotional and relational checking in with one another allows things that could become serious to be dealt with early and resolved before they become toxic. The work is hard but the fruits of your labor are a union that is fulfilling and joyous, one that truly honors God.

Pledge of Support IV: Service

Incoming new members to our congregation pledge to support our church through their prayers, their presence, their gifts, and their service. What if we made that our mantra for our marriages as well? What would it mean to how we do marriage to pledge to support it in these four areas? More personally what could it mean if we vowed to bless our spouse in these ways?

Service One of the great myths our society holds about marriage is that it is supposed to make us happy. People, when looking for someone to marry hope to find someone that “completes them” or is “compatible” is a whole array of areas, someone that makes them laugh, someone that will love them. The problem with this is that it is ultimately selfish. 1 Corinthians 13:5 tells us that “love does not seek its own way.” We should not enter into marriage thinking solely of our own benefit. At very least, we should be aware that is not the goal. Jesus did not gather the church to himself so that it could wait on him, or fulfill his needs. Consider Matthew 5:20-28: Jesus called them together and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave— just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” or Mark 9:33-34 He began to question them, “What were you discussing on the way?” But they kept silent, for on the way they had discussed with one another which of them was the greatest. Sitting down, He called the twelve and *said to them, “If anyone wants to be first, he shall be last of all and servant of all.” Holiness is what marriage offers us. Being married to another (imperfect and finite) human being gives ample opportunity for us to emulate Christ. For the marriage to thrive we must day after day strive to show grace and forgiveness, to be humble, and to SERVE. This is the model Jesus set for us all, and for married people specifically since marriage is an analogy of God’s love for His creation. (In Ephesians 5:32, Paul writes: “This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.”) Throughout history people have pointed out that it is through service that we find happiness and purpose anyway! Saint Francis of Assisi said “For it is in giving that we receive” and Leo Tolstoy is quoted as saying “The sole meaning of life is to serve humanity” We are told from when we are little that “it is better to give than receive,” and a Chinese proverb state “If you want happiness for a lifetime, help somebody.” With Saint Valentine’s day approaching, forget the clichés. Don’t bother with chocolate or flowers, and avoid overcrowded restaurants price-gouging patrons with their “special” menus. Truly seek to serve your spouse by making their life easier. Find ways to serve them that only you could know, since by living with them you know them better than anyone. Throughout this month, and this year, tie the towel around your waist and wash their feet. (Metaphorically… or literally!) Equate love with service and service with love, and seek a year of blessing your husband or wife in ways you’ve never thought of, regardless of how long you’ve been together.

Pledge of Support III: Gifts

New members to our congregation pledge to support our church through their prayers, their presence, their gifts, and their service. What if we made that our mantra for our marriages as well? What would it mean to how we do marriage to pledge to support it in these four areas? More personally what could it mean if we vowed to bless our spouse in these ways?

The Bible is full of accounts of gifts: Abraham sending his servant with ten camels loaded with gold and silver to find a wife for Isaac, Joseph’s brothers going with gifts to Joseph when he was in power in Egypt, Nebuchadnezzar promising gifts to any of his astrologers that could interpret his dreams, and even the Magi bringing gold, frankincense and myrrh to the Christ child. Gifts, on the surface, seem easy to understand in the context of a relationship, especially at the end of the year when we are bombarded with commercials showing people giving their significant others luxury cars or gaudy diamond jewelry. We are right around the corner from another holiday where the greeting card and shiny rock industries, among others, want us to believe that lavishing our spouses with ostentatious purchases is the only acceptable way to show them that we love them. Our whole society seems to have bought into this idea that large or expensive material things, at regular, predictable calendar intervals is what love is all about. Much like love itself though, gifts become much less meaningful if mandatory, or expected.

Fernand Point said ““Success is the sum of a lot of small things done correctly.” I believe that small gifts, gifts that cost little or nothing but show you have an intimate knowledge of your partner and a desire to bless them mean much more that roses and chocolate on Valentine’s Day. Things like encouraging notes hidden for them to find when you know they are going to have a challenging day, or a small treat or item that recalls a favorite vacation you took or date you went on can have a much bigger impact and be a louder trumpet of your love and affection. A great gift could just be something practical that you know will make their day easier. Replace something that they love that you know is wearing out. Gifts that show you are paying attention to your husband or wife’s wants and needs are always better, regardless of the price tag.

It bears repeating that to be successful in love you must be a lifelong student of your spouse. You must always seek greater understanding of their heart. Knowing them in this way will make it easier to give gifts that will bless them and impact them deeply in positive ways.David wrote in Psalm 139:23

“Search me, God, and know my heart”

At some level we are all searching for that. Not that we can ever know someone like God does, but we can strive to know the one we chose to spend the rest of our lives with as deeply as we are able. That is one reason why God designed marriage to be for life: in our finite abilities it takes a lifetime to truly know someone. As each year passes then, you should know your spouse better, should have a better grasp of how it is they want and need to be loved. Express your love by giving from that understanding.