1/2 Marathon Challenge, Day 5

To be thankful when things are hard, it is imperative we have faith that God knows what he is doing. We don’t need to be able to see fully the big picture - as finite and flawed beings, God’s plans, at least in their entirety, are beyond our comprehension. As God says in Isaiah 55:9

As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Who can fathom the breadth and depth of what God does? Not us, and God tells us as much. In Job 41:1 he asks “Can you raise leviathan with a fish hook?” Nope; me either. Don’t let that take away what you CAN know though - that God has a plan, and it is for your benefit. To the prophet in Jeremiah 29:11:

For I know the plans i have for you” says the lord. “Plans to prosper you, not to harm you, to give you a future and a hope.

If you are married, then that future most certainly includes your spouse, and you can rejoice in that fact. What you cannot do is to sit back and just wait for good things to happen, or expect it to be easy. Things are going to be hard sometimes, and those times are when the most dramatic spiritual growth happens. As it says in James 1:2-3

Consider it nothing but joy when you face trials of any kind, because you know the testing of your faith produces perseverance

or in Romans 8:28

We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Catch that last part? “For those who love him, those called according to his purpose.” You and your spouse must be seeking God’s will for your lives, individually and as a couple. When you are, you can rest assured that blessings will come as a result. Marriage is work, hard work at times, but there is no work you can do that has a higher purpose. Jesus’ love for the church is constantly illustrated with marriage metaphors, and in Revelation the reconciliation of creation to its Creator is described like a wedding. Our own marriages are supposed point to that relationship, to serve as pictures of God’s love for the world. There is also little you can do that has a bigger upside. When the blessings of God are on your marriage, you get to share in that joy! Live your life, work for your marriage in ways that honor and glorify God, and claim the future God has prepared for you.

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1/2 marathon Challenge, Day 4

Yesterday I used Phillipians 4:6-8 to illustrate our need to lay our concerns at the feet of God, and not rely on our own strength or wisdom to enact change in our lives and our marriages. I will point out another aspect to that scripture today: Worry about nothing, but in everything with thanksgiving and supplication give your concerns to God Thanksgiving. We have a national holiday dedicated to the idea. When we say grace over our dinner tables we express it. I have been known to exclaim “Thank GOD’ when i get a piece of unexpected good news. The idea of giving thanks is bandied about so much I think that often, it is nothing more than window dressing instead of a substantial part of our lives. We say thanks or express it so we don’t seem ungrateful, or because we know in our heads that we should be thankful, but we don’t feel it in our hearts. We are extolled throughout the old and new testaments to give thanks to our Creator, but do we? Good things we have are often taken for granted, and our society seems Hell bent to make sure we are focused on what we lack. Ads blare at us about what’s new, bigger and better. And the things that go wrong, our problems, people in our lives that annoy us? We gripe and complain and moan, praying to God to deliver us from it all, as if he were a genie granting us wishes. In terms of marriage, we overlook the things our spouses do well, telling ourselves that that’s what they are supposed to do, and we nag and prod them about all the ways they could improve or treat us better. We subtle barbs and knifing stares and lay on guilt to get our way... but what if, instead, we thanked God for our spouses, and our lives, JUST AS THEY ARE? There’s an old Jewish anecdote. A man goes to his rabbi, and says “Rabbi, what would God have me do? How would he have me act?” The older man says “When things are bad, pray. When things are good, give thanks.” The younger man thinks and then asks “How am I to know what is good, and what is bad?” The rabbi answers, “Excellent question. In that case, give thanks always.” God knows what He has created us for. He knows what we are supposed to be, and what job to further his kingdom we are to do. It stands to reason that he also knows how to equip us for that job, how to prepare us. The hard times we go through in our lives, the difficulties we face are there to prepare us uniquely for the tasks he has set out for us. Our marriages are no different - except perhaps more so. Marriage is a crucible we are placed in with the goal not to make us happy (though done right, that is a wonderful side effect!) but to make us holy. As we deal with our spouses, we must act with grace and forgiveness if we want the same treatment, and we wind up acting more and more like Christ as we do so. So give thanks for all you have. Give thanks for the troubles you are facing and the hardships you endure. And give thanks for your spouse - just as they are - for they are the stone upon which you are being sharpened.

http://www.upliftingmarriage.com/12-marathon-blog-challenge/

1/2 Marathon Challenge, Day 3

Very often, I think what truly hinders us is our belief that we can fix our own problems. Whether we pridefully think that we don’t need God, or in our lack of self-esteem we feel God has better things to do than worry about wretches like us the effect is the same. We are on our own, adrift, sans paddle or rudder. Needless to say, that stream we float on rarely takes us anywhere good. We need both the humility to admit we need God’s help, and the faith that he will respond when we ask. It shouldn’t be so hard... he tells us as much over and over again.. In Psalm 55:22: Leave your troubles with the Lord, and he will defend you In Phillipians 4:6-8: Worry about nothing, but in everything with thanksgiving and supplication give your concerns to God, and the peace of God, which is beyond all understanding will protect your heart and mind in Christ Jesus Despite this, we think we have our situations under control, even as we lose our grip and they spiral away from us. This can be especially damaging in the context of marriage. So often we get caught up in thinking about what our spouse could be, and thinking about how we can “help” them change, we overlook the fact that that is NOT. OUR. JOB. That task is solely the provenance of God. Only he knows what he has designed them to be, and he will work whatever changes are necessary to accomplish that. Our job is to love our spouses -as they are, knowing full well they are imperfect and flawed... just like us. If we desire grace to cover our flaws, we had better be givers of that same grace. Jesus gave us the model of how we are to live. We can pray for them of course, and lovingly hold them accountable. Concerning the circumstances we face - financial, relational, parental or otherwise - it is crucial to pray, to stay in the Word and discern God’s will for our lives and our marriages and not rely on our own ‘wisdom’ and means. When both spouses look to God first, and as one lay issues at his feet together, blessings will follow. God’s got our backs; He says so. Are you willing to take him at his word?

http://www.upliftingmarriage.com/12-marathon-blog-challenge/

1/2 Marathon Challenge, Day 2

A while back I was having a hard time with life in general, and my perception of my marriage in particular, so I went to a counselor who worked at a Christian counselling center. I had read a lot of relationship books on my own, but was just having trouble putting it all together. My counselor was amazing, and really helped me, in so many ways. So there’s message one of this post: don’t be afraid to get help! We are called to be in community, so there is no shame in that. we are called to confess our sins to one another, to bear each other’s burdens and to encourage one another. If you do not have a Christian community - be it a church family, or even better a small group - to lean on, getting professional help can be a real blessing. it was for me.

Here’s the real point though: my favorite thing about the help I got was that they intentionally pointed out how scientific discoveries in the realm of psychology - over and over again - confirmed scriptural truth. My counselor pointed out how the commandments of God on how to live our lives are completely in line with what she called “healthy choices.”

It is great to know, in our lack of faith and disbelief, that God is not leading us astray, that he truly does have our best interests at heart - even if sometimes it leaves us like sulky teenagers having to admit our father is right! It calls to mind the words of the Psalmist in Psalm 18:30

As for God, his way is perfect; the Lord's word is flawless, and he shields all he take refuge in Him.

I will lastly use this post as a thank you to my counselor. It was she who suggested that I make use of the knowledge I gained in my own research and soul-searching during that dark time in my life for the good of others. It was she who inspired me to start writing the pieces that became this blog! 

So thank you, Amanda Berger-Semko, and all the staff at Wellspring Christian Counseling.

http://www.upliftingmarriage.com/12-marathon-blog-challenge/

What credit is it to you?

In Ephesians 5, husbands and wives are given very different - yet complimentary - instructions on how to act in marriage. Wives are called to submit and respect their husbands, and husbands are implored to love their wives like Christ loved the Church, giving himself up for her. Why does God direct each spouse differently? Each spouse is commanded to do what does NOT come naturally. Speaking generally, women are more nurturing, more loving. They are more proficient at fostering relationships. Men on the other hand, their world is built on respect and appreciation for accomplishments and achievements. God tells each of us to walk a mile in the other spouse’s shoes, to see your relationship through their eyes. We are called to understand what makes him or her tick, and to encourage them in the way they need to be spiritually and emotionally fed. Consider Luke 6:32-34: If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. What God is saying here is that there is no credit given for what is easy! Loving our enemies, blessing those who curse us, and giving generously not expecting repayment is hard. Paul’s words in Ephesians 5 take the same concept and apply it to marriage. When we attempt to see things from our spouse’s point of view and meet their unique needs we gain empathy, and become more compassionate. God gives us these directives because he knows that when we stretch, when we go outside our comfort zone is when we grow spiritually and emotionally. John F. Kennedy understood this when he declared we were ramping up our space program to go to the moon:
“We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win.” Are you willing to accept the challenge? Are you unwilling to postpone taking it on? Do you intend to win, to love your spouse in all the ways they need to be fulfilled? Obviously communication is key, but so is the motivation, the WANT to keep learning. So, use the best of your energies and skills, and dig deep, never assuming you know your spouse well enough; there is always more to learn. The other reason God commands us to do what is not in our nature, is that it is humbling, and God likes nothing more than a humble heart. Swallow your pride and accept that your way is not always the way, and remember Jesus’ words in John 14:6: I am the way How do we walk His way in terms of our marriages? Be more loving, generous, compassionate and forgiving! And be grateful; give thanks that God has put your spouse in your life to challenge you, to help you grow... and to help you become more like His son Jesus.

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For worse... or better?

In marriage we must be ready to face “poorer” and “worse” if the union is to survive and thrive when bad times happen - but are we ready to handle “richer” and “better” when we join to become one flesh? If half of this new entity finds success, whether it be a promotion or new job, recognition for an ability or skill, or anything else how does that affect the relationship? We are called in Romans 12:15-16 to:

Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Be of the same mind with one another, and do not be haughty.

While this verse is aimed at all people in body of Christ, the behavior should certainly start at home. There is no room for jealousy between husband and wife over each other’s success. As one flesh, when one succeeds both do, just as if one hurts, both do. We all should be our spouse’s number one fan, knowing that we share in whatever they accomplish, just as they do with us. To that end we need to support them in their efforts and cheer them on! Ephesians 5:28 - 29 reads in part:

He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it

Are you cherishing your spouse? Are you nourishing them in their pursuits? Success takes many forms, and each will affect a marriage differently. With more women in the workplace, traditional roles may have to be flexible to accommodate what “better” means. I have a friend whose wife got a job making significantly more than he was. He quit his own job and started a business he could run from home so that he could be with their children during the day. If he tied his worth as a husband to the notion of being the breadwinner, he’d be in trouble. If he loves his kids and his wife however, and is thankful for the opportunities his wife’s success provides to the family, then their chances for a strong, vibrant marriage dramatically increase.

The key is to always place the good of the family and the needs of your spouse above yourself, above your own wants and needs. And, if you are the one on whom the blessing falls remember to share it, acknowledge your spouse’s contributions to your success, and revel in it together. In 1 Corinthians 13 we are told that love is never envious, nor is it boastful.

For better or for worse

Once, I was in a wedding party. It was a beautiful outdoor ceremony, and I stood there with the other groomsmen, sweating, feet blistering in the plastic rental shoes... and during the vows the bride laughed when the officiant said “for richer or for poorer.” I could understand her skepticism, since the flowers at her wedding cost a good deal more than my entire ceremony and reception, but still it made me wonder. Richer, poorer, better, worse, sickness, health... do we understand what those words mean when we say them?

Firm grasp of the possibilities, and having realistic expectations are crucial to the success of our marriages. Many people enter marriage with the misguided notion that it solves relationship problems, that once married we are somehow owed happiness. When poorer, sicker and worse are right there in the vows it should be clear that “happily ever after” is no guarantee. While this sounds bleak, the good news is that as part of a team, those things are easier to deal with then when we are alone. The secular world sees the team as two people, but as Christians, we know better. One of my favorite verses of scripture talks to this idea: Ecclesiastes 4:12 says:

A cord of three strands is not easily broken.

Three strands; man and wife, and God. Assembled thusly, unions are best prepared to survive - and even thrive - when life’s troubles manifest. Of course marriage is deeper than “team.” The two become one flesh, one new entity where there used to be two people. As critical as realistic expectations are, so is commitment on the part of both people to keep the union paramount and sacred. Both spouses have to agree to always put the sanctity of the marriage above their own wants, needs and concerns. 1 Corinthians 13 speaks to this when it speaks about love:

It is patient and kind, not envious or arrogant, not rude or seeking its own way. It bears all, endures all and does not fail.

Husband and wife must be adamant that come what may, the team remains intact. Come what may, they will face it together and continue on. Practically though, how do we do that?

The wedding I mentioned above was a memorable party, but the marriage did not last. It ended within two years, and after one child. The couple had known each other for less than a year before the wedding so I’m guessing there was not much in the way of premarital counselling, honest discussion of expectations and goals, or efforts to get on the same page with one another on the big issues. The groom was an atheist and the bride was a casual Jew, after all. Couples tend to avoid the kind of discussions that will bring differences to light in an effort to not spoil the relationship, but this lack of communication doesn’t make the differences go away. It  delays the inevitable, and can lead to messy endings.

Before the wedding and after, both parties must grab that third strand, and put God at the heart of their union. He speaks to us in many ways: through his Word, through our faith communities, through prayer. It is up to us to engage God, always. If we do, when troubles occur - whether it be loss of a job, a disease, a difficult pregnancy - we have His strength and guidance to rely on. So, go to church together. Study the Bible together in a small group. Do daily devotionals together, and seek counsel from Godly friends and relatives when you are having issues. Most importantly, consider 1 Thessalonians 5:16-17:

Rejoice always, and pray without ceasing.

Pray for each other, and with each other. Pray in good times as well as bad, and thank God for all you have, including one another! Open your hearts in each other’s presence, and listen to God more than you speak or ask. What you say is not as important is keeping the dialogue open, so that God can speak into your life, and guide you to all your marriage can be.