Self Giving

Society makes too big a deal about sex - and too little. The world holds it up as something to strive for - it is a major focus in all media, from music, shows and movies, to literature and advertising. Simultaneously though, sex is seen as casual, as recreational, as “no big deal.” Christians make the same mistake from the opposite direction. Purity culture portrays it as the biggest deal before marriage. Our youth are told about all the pitfalls and negative consequences, how it will ruin their lives if they don’t wait until they are married. But the true nature of the gift of sex that God has given us is rarely - if ever - discussed. The church has long abdicated its responsibility to teach on this subject. As Kevin Lehman said in his Making the Most of Marriage study “If anyone should be talking about how great sex is - it’s the church!” Even among Christian marriage authors and counsellors, the message is often reduced to it being a man’s need, a wife’s responsibility. The “don’t deny one another” command from 1 Corinthians 7:5 is pulled out of context and set in this husband/ wife dichotomy that misses so much of the point. Even in this context it is seen as “just sex.” God designed it to be so much more though, and so few ever fully realize its potential.

In a recent podcast, Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife (Ph.D in Counseling Psychology, a relationship and sexuality educator and coach, and Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor) broke down how she sees sex in three stages that manifest based on the maturity of the participants and the seriousness of the relationship. In summary:

Stage 1 sex is self referential. It’s about getting what you want, and it focuses almost solely on one’s own physical pleasure.

Stage 2 sex at least begins to acknowledge the “it takes two” couple dynamic and nature of the relationship, but it remains transactional; “I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine.” It is not very deep at this stage, not collaborative.

Stage 3 sex though, is. Sex at this stage takes nothing for granted and is collaborative - and communicative. It becomes no longer about taking, about one’s own pleasure but about giving. It becomes about communication of love, of value, of cherishing.

People capable of stage 3 sex are much more at peace with themselves, and no longer have anything to prove. They are free therefore to truly love through their sexuality. They are free to be fully known, and to know. There is a reason that sex in the bible (at least in the King James version) is stated in exactly these terms. 

Now Adam knew Eve, his wife. And she conceived, and bore Cain. (Gen  4:1)

And Elkanah knew Hannah his wife, and the Lord remembered her. So it came to pass in the process of time that Hannah conceived and bore a son, and called his name Samuel. (1 Sam 1:19-20)

On twitter, Pastor Tim Keller recently posted a powerful thread discussing sex in the context of marriage and why this world pushes back so hard against God’s design for it. Though he didn’t mention the three stages, the implications were very clear. He stated: “We believe sex was not created just for pleasure but for mutual self-giving toward a deep, permanent union that creates character and new human life. We believe sex was created for persons to say non-verbally but powerfully to one another: “I belong completely and exclusively to you.” It must not be used to say anything less than that or you are not respecting sex’s power, depth, and force.” All those statements could very well be describing Finlayson-Fife’s ‘stage 3’ definitions. Regarding the world’s view Keller wrote: “In sex outside of marriage, we maintain our independence and fail to give our whole selves to the other person… and very often one or both gets exploited.” That is completely Stage 1.

How are you loving your spouse? Is your goal to communicate the depth of your love? To wordlessly show how much you cherish them? To be vulnerable and open and truly share your heart? These goals are not easy; they do not come naturally to our finite, fallible souls. They should be our goals though. We should commit to working towards them. At the end of his twitter thread, Tim Keller warned about the dangers of doing otherwise:

“If you cultivate sex for self-affirmation instead of self-giving, you diminish sex’s power to function as a commitment apparatus and covenant renewal agent within marriage. You harden or dehumanize yourself.”

Think instead on Proverbs 11:24

Some give freely, yet grow all the richer; others withhold what is due, and only suffer want.

That verse was (probably) not written about sex, but think about how beautiful it is when taken in the context. The implied meaning is that the best way to get what you want out of physical intimacy is to not worry about it, but put forth all your effort to give your spouse what they want. That means seeking to learn about them, their wants and needs and fears and concerns - seek to KNOW them as deeply as you can, and then act on that knowledge, giving of your self to communicate the depth of your love.

Longevity IV - Community

 A leadership guru (Darren Hardy) recently posted a video on six behaviors that lead to longevity; not metaphorical, or abstract, but things that actually lead to living longer. I think that many of these behaviors can be adapted or looked at in such a way as to lead to longer (and happier) marriages as well.

The last I’ll relate to marriage longevity is community. 

In Darren Hardy’s video, he actually pointed to a study that suggested moderate consumption of alcohol was an ingredient for longevity. There have been studies done on the positive impact of a single glass of red wine after dinner… but the study he was drawing from went even deeper, and determined that a glass or two of beer or wine CONSUMED WITH FRIENDS was the secret. He mentioned in another one of his points that avoiding despair was key to longevity, and specifically talked about how humans are a social species, ill suited to live disconnected from others. This of course tracks with biblical wisdom.

There are multiple places in the new testament where we are commanded to interact with “one another.” Bear one another’s burdens. Pray with one another. Wash one another’s feet. Break bread with one another. Love one another. Jesus actually tells his disciples that this is the sign by which the world will recognize them as his. In John 13:35 he says

By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

We can do nothing with “one another” if we are disconnected from others, doing life on our own. We must live in community to carry out these commands. In our technological age, we have access to the sum of all human knowledge and achievement, and can connect with anyone around the world - but these connections are superficial and can’t satisfy the need for human contact, the need for us to belong that is so critical to our functioning.

Abraham Maslow was one of the founders and driving forces behind the discipline of psychology. He codified and stratified the levels of human needs, organizing them into a pyramid with the ones on the bottom needing to be met before we can seek to fulfill the more complex needs. The pyramid starts with basic needs like food, water, and warmth, then shelter - security and safety. On the next level is belonging and love, human relationships. These needs must be met before the ‘self fulfillment’ needs atop the pyramid can be sought. Thus, to live the lives God meant for us to live, to be the people he created us to be and do the work he has set before us to do, healthy human relationships are key.

To apply this to marriage longevity, think about your relationship with your spouse; do you truly believe and act as if you are on the same team? Do you seek to live out all the ‘one another’ commands in respect to your husband or wife? Do you rejoice when they rejoice, and mourn when they mourn? Do you check in with one another often, seeing how they are doing with regard to the hectic day to day schedules and responsibilities that we all face? For those of us who are married, that relationship takes priority among all earthly relationships. It must be strong if we are to go out to do our kingdom work, and be that picture of God’s love to the fallen world.

Taken to the next level it is also important to have a circle of married friends around you that believe in the sanctity and importance of marriage! We don’t need cynics and skeptics that will echo the world’s view that marriage is no longer relevant… we need people that will affirm God’s view and purpose, that will keep us accountable and grounded, keep our perspective broader than our singular personal needs and wants. None of us are in this alone, and having married friends to share our struggles with (and our successes!) helps us to continue to grow in our faith and continue to make our marriages better and stronger.

Longevity III: Rest

 A leadership guru (Darren Hardy) recently posted a video on six behaviors that lead to longevity; not metaphorical, or abstract, but things that actually lead to living longer. I think that many of these behaviors can be adapted or looked at in such a way as to lead to longer (and happier) marriages as well.

The third is rest. 

Stress is often thought of as a bad thing, but in fact, it is essential to our existence. We have evolved to be able to react to things in our environment that could do us harm, react in ways that will allow us to respond such that we, as individuals and as a species will survive. Our cave dwelling distant ancestors had to deal with fearsome predators, as well as inconsistent food supplies, extreme weather and climatic conditions, and competition with other species for limited resources. Their bodies developed reactionary behavioral tools to deal with these problems, coping mechanisms we now call “fight or flight” responses, tools that we have inherited. All of these can be recognized as stress. Rises in adrenaline ready us for combat or a hasty retreat from a dangerous situation. Increased breathing rate and dilated bronchi increase the oxygen in our blood. Heart rate increases and blood vessels serving the digestive system constrict while those feeding the muscles open wide, feeding all that extra oxygen to our muscles. Our mouth gets dry, palms get sweaty and thoughts race.

We have been (fearfully and wonderfully) made this way - it is a natural cycle. The effects listed above help us to deal with the stressors in our lives. Like all cycles, it is supposed to have a beginning, a middle and an end. After the situation is dealt with, we are supposed to then “come down.” Many of us suffer though, by living in that middle zone for extended periods of time. Society careens forward at a breakneck pace, and this fallen world throws stressors at us with reckless abandon. For our bodies - and our lives -  to function as God designed, we need to make time and find ways for the cycle to reach its conclusion before we allow it to ramp up again. We must learn how to rest and recover in between periods of stress; the consequences if we don’t can be severe.

Americans lead the world in depression. We are always in ‘go’ mode, and this can lead to burnout which results in reduced productivity (the very opposite of the thing we are usually striving for!) as well as reduced creativity and relationship problems. Our physical health can also be affected with heart disease, strokes, stomach ulcers and other ailments.

Elijah, I’m sure knew what burnout felt like. After the amazing display on Mount Carmel, and the slaughtering of the priests of Baal and Asherah, (1 Kings 18) Ahab and Jezebel were hunting him down to kill him. In full “flight” mode for an extended period, he had finally had enough and sat down under a broom tree - to pray for death! He slept, and then an angel came and provided him with food and water. And then he slept again, and was provided food and drink again. 1 Kings 19:8 then says

Strengthened by that, he traveled on forty days and nights…

We too need to get adequate rest and sustenance if we are going to successfully get up and take on the world day after day. We need to relax, unwind and recharge. Jesus knew this too. Even he, the Christ, God in human form was limited by the flesh he took on. In Mark 1:32-34 Jesus heals many who were brought him, curing diseases and casting out many demons. In Mark 1:35 it says

Early in the morning, while it was dark, Jesus left the house and went to a solitary place, where he prayed.

Along with rest, food and drink, we also need God. His spirit recharges our souls, even as food and rest recharge our bodies, and fuels us for the work he prepares for us to do. Jesus talked about giving us living water that we might not be thirsty, (John 4:10-14) and being the bread of life. (John 6:51)

As with all things, how we do rest and recovery can also - should also - be something we can do with our spouses to strengthen our marriages. Everyone needs their own time, of course, but down time together is also essential. Set aside time to be together without structure, time to talk about things other than work, the house, the kids. Share food and drink, share hopes and dreams, fears and concerns. As the bonds of your relationship are strengthened, know that you are better prepared for everything the world is preparing for you. Remember Ecclesiastes 4:9

Two are better than one, for they have a good return on their labor

And of course, pray together! As you ask for wisdom and strength and clarity and seek God’s will for your union, be assured your readiness is even greater; Ecclesiastes 4:12 continues

If one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart.

Let that ‘third strand,’ God, lead you into rest and recovery. Let him restore you, mind body and spirit, as his angel did Elijah.

Longevity II - Purpose

A leadership guru (Darren Hardy) recently posted a video on six behaviors that lead to longevity; not metaphorical, or abstract, but things that actually lead to living longer. I think that many of these behaviors can be adapted or looked at in such a way as to lead to longer (and happier) marriages as well.

The second is purpose! In the movie Matrix: Reloaded the antagonist, Agent Smith (after he has gone rogue and started multiplying himself) says to Neo, the hero, "There's no escaping reason, no denying purpose, for as we both know, without purpose we would not exist. It is purpose that created us, purpose that connects us, purpose that pulls us, that guides us, that drives us; it is purpose that defines, purpose that binds us.”

Is that not true for each of us as well? In the absence of any outside influence, purpose can give us a reason to continue living! How many stories are out there of people who retire, and then with no reason to get up each day, they die shortly after? Without some purpose we’d just meander from activity to activity, not accomplishing anything of note. Each time you choose to undertake any task, any project, any activity, you do it with some purpose in mind. If not, then you are just reacting to what the world throws at you, and drifting aimlessly through your life. The key to leading a life that is truly fulfilling though is to not rely on your own purposes, for they will rarely get you to where you need to go. In Proverbs 19:21 it says:

Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.

To accomplish the work we were put on earth to do, we must align ourselves with God’s purpose for us, for only then can we be truly successful. When we align ourselves with God’s will for us, we do our appointed job to further the coming of his kingdom, but this is for our benefit as well. The well known and oft-quoted Romans 8:28 is sometimes abbreviated as “God works all things for good!” and used to comfort those going through hard times, but this misses a critical part. The whole verse reads:

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

God’s purpose is the important part. Have you accepted his will for you, that you are here on purpose, specifically, to accomplish something for the coming kingdom of God? Whether or not you do, God’s purpose will be fulfilled. If you turn your back on Him, God will find another path to his ultimate goals. Job understood this in the midst of his own trials when he said

I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted. (Job 4:22)

When we get married we join our whole lives with another person; we become “one flesh” with them. As part and parcel of that deal we share in each other’s purpose as well. Their purpose becomes ours and vice versa, and indeed there is a purpose for your union as well as for each spouse. Pray often to understand this, to align your lives with God’s will for you, your spouse and your marriage. Work to actively pursue and accomplish these goals - for they are as much a part of the kingdom coming as your individual ones, and can be critical for your vitality and energy. Paul knew this. In Galatians 4:18 he says:

It is fine to be zealous, provided the purpose is good.

What better purpose is there than God’s, the reason he made you and put you here? The reason you and your spouse fell in love and chose to join with one another?

As for God, his way is perfect.  (Psalm 18:30)

Longevity I - Movement

 A leadership guru recently posted a video on six behaviors that lead to longevity; not metaphorical, or abstract, but things that actually lead to living longer. I think that many of these behaviors can be adapted or looked at in such a way as to lead to longer (and happier) marriages as well.

The first is movement! A doctor recently published an article that stated emphatically that “sitting is the new smoking.” Sedentary lifestyles, long work days in an office chair in front of a computer screen followed by evenings in front of a TV or scrolling through social feeds on our phones are making us less healthy overall and in some cases are literally killing us. I don’t need to go into detail about this - we all know the risks and consequences, but how can this apply to marriage?

First, just as it says; health problems can absolutely lead to relationship struggles. Some health issues are of course unavoidable, but many are completely avoidable! Diet and exercise can go a long way towards limiting and reducing a multitude of potential problems. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 says

Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

A church sexton once told me that he believed how the building and surrounding property looked on the outside spoke to the spiritual health of the congregation. If your body is a temple, are you performing the maintenance required to keep it clean, sturdy and functioning optimally? I am not saying we all need to be athletes and supermodels… Just that we need to invest some time and energy in our health and fitness. You and your spouse could find ways to exercise as a couple; hikes and bike rides, walking the boardwalks and beaches, whatever you both enjoy... do it together! Get some quality time as well as the fitness benefits.

Metaphorically, how does movement apply to being married? Relationships can be sedentary too! Especially over time, spouses can take each other for granted, assume they know all there is to know, think they understand how their partner will act and react, and how to love them accordingly. Behaviors that don’t change though, become ruts and things become stagnant. To avoid stagnation, there are things we can do. Always strive to learn new things about each other. Have scheduled times to check in, to talk about matters great and small. Ask questions like: How are things at work? What are you worried about? Excited for? Scared of? Am I helping enough around the house? With the kids? How can I love you better? Ask questions, and then LISTEN; not to respond but to understand. Then act on what you learn.

Just like how we treat each other can fall into a rut, so too can our activities become dull if they are always the same. Make a point to do new things and experience them together. Shared memories strengthen bonds and can cause the brain to act as it did when the relationship was new. Pastor Tommy Nelson, in his Song of Solomon study said “Relationships are always either improving or regressing. If yours is stagnant, it's actually going backwards.” Be cognizant of the state of your union, and work hard to keep it “moving” in a positive direction!

Little Things

“It’s the little things” is a saying that is bandied about quite a bit, but that is because it’s true! Jesus knew this well, and not only used a parable about it to describe the kingdom of heaven, but also used the principle to carry out his ministry. In Matthew 13:31-32 it says

He told them another parable: “The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his field. Though it is the smallest of all seeds, yet when it grows, it is the largest of garden plants and becomes a tree, so that the birds come and perch in its branches.”

He knew that small things can have a huge impact. Later in the same book he tells his disciples “if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” (Matthew 17:20) 

In his ministry, he taught in the synagogues, and preached to large crowds, but he called together only twelve to go deep with, that they could establish his church after his death and ascension. Even among the twelve, he separated them into smaller groups. IN Mark 6:7 it says

Calling the Twelve to him, he began to send them out two by two and gave them authority over impure spirits.

Darren Hardy, a leadership author and Success magazine editor says it this way: “The accomplishment of any goal is the compound effect of small steps taken consistently over time.” In marriage, is your goal to have a union that gives joy, that honors God and provides a picture of his love for the world to others? If not, WHY NOT? But if so, what small steps could you be taking consistently over time? Things as small as making the coffee or tea in the morning so your spouse doesn’t have to, putting the kids to bed so they can relax after a hard day, or calling to order a pizza because you know they don’t like making phone calls can make a big difference. Obviously there are as many meaningful “small things” as there are people. Taking the time to know your spouse is never time wasted if you then act on the knowledge gleaned.

People often make the mistake of thinking what’s needed is a huge effort, a grand gesture, some over-the-top display of their love and affection. Sometimes those are nice, but they are not sustainable, and their effect is limited. In geometry a point is just a point, but two points define a line, stretching infinitely in two directions. Three points though, define a plane - infinite in all directions. Each point, seemingly inconsequential alone, exponentially expands what is defined when added to the set.

If you’re not sure what your spouse’s little things are, you could always just ask. “What could I do to make your day easier? What do you need help with? How can I love you better?” Ask often! The situations of our lives change with time… never assume you know all there is to know! We all know the lessons about compound interest when it comes to monetary investment. Consider doing little things for your spouse investments in the awesome marriage you want to have.

Quarantine III - Transformation

As the COVID-19 pandemic stretches on, and we continue wearing masks to shop, social distancing away from our friends and relatives and stay quarantined with our families, there can be less and less doubt that at the end of this - whenever that might be - we will not be simply returning to “normal.” As much as the weirdness of this all makes us think longingly about what was, we can not just go back to it. If we look hard at what was, we might just come to realize that the old way was broken. The pandemic did not break all our systems, but it did lay bare that brokenness. The times we are now going through are giving us a chance to rethink, reorganize, rebuild and create anew.

Is this not how God works? Right there in the beginning when we first “meet” God, he is speaking order into the primordial chaos, and creating. Genesis 1:2-3

The earth was without form and void, and darkness was over the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters. And God said, ‘Let there be light,’ and there was light.

With so much being so different, it is a good time to reevaluate how you are doing marriage. Take an online marriage class or workshop. Read a marriage book together as a way to begin conversations about your relationship. Is it honoring God? Are you serving one another in love. Do things like sex, date nights, casual walk and talks and other husband-wife times need to be scheduled so they fit with the changed and changing work / life conditions. Ask each other what you want your marriage to be, and then work towards that! As always, remain in the Word to be in tune with God’s plans for your lives, individually and together.

It’s not a very big leap to look around at what the current events - from the virus to the protests against police brutality - have done to the world and see chaos everywhere. What we do now, the decisions we make about how to live our lives will shape our future. That is always true of course, but right now the world is at a point where we have unique opportunities to drastically impact what the post-COVID world will look like, indeed what it will be. While we should all be asking big questions about what we want this world to be and how we can be doing work to usher in God’s kingdom, we should also take this time to take stock in our marriages. Work situations may have changed. Jobs may have been lost, or one or both spouses may be working remotely for the time being - or permanently. Kids are home, transitioning from remote learning to summer vacation, putting additional stress on home life as everyone tries to stay out of everyone else’s way.

The world is fraught with chaos right now. It is being God-like, as we are made in his image, to create harmony and beauty from the chaos. Everything we are going through now will be transformational; if we are introspective and intentional about it, it can change us, our marriages and our lives for the better.