The end?

 Over a decade ago when my counsellor asked me what I was doing with all this marriage knowledge I was accumulating, I was confused. “What do you mean? I’m trying to make my marriage better” I answered. She pressed, though. “You have a responsibility to share what you know!” That simple conversation led me to start writing, the articles first appearing in the weekly bulletins, then linked to the church’s then new social media accounts, and finally appearing monthly in the Circuit Rider. It also led me to form one of the opinions that I now consider a major part of who I am: “Our blessings are not just for us - they are for us to be a blessing to others. Our trials and troubles are also not just for us. They are there so that we can understand the pain that others are going through, so that we can help.”

There are dozens of  instances in the new testament that use some variation of the phrase “one another.” Love one another. Pray for one another. Break bread with one another. Bear one another’s burdens. Further is the admonition to mourn with those who mourn, and rejoice with those who rejoice. I have tried to keep these scriptures in the back of my mind with each of the articles I have written. Is your marriage doing great? Awesome! I will cheer you on. Are you and your spouse going through a rough patch? I have tried to be here to offer biblical advice, and provide a Godly perspective on how to navigate that. In the last few years I have found myself repeating themes, and citing verses that I have cited before. I’ve been doing this for a while now… Eleven years. One hundred and thirty “moments.”

The time has come, I think, to put this project aside. Marriage ministry will remain a passion of mine, and though it might take a different form, I will surely continue doing something in this arena. 

So, what have I learned? Two things:

One - Communication is the closest thing we have to *THE* key to a successful marriage. So many marriage problems can be solved - or at least mitigated, lessened - through honest and open communication with your spouse. Speaking the truth in love, as Paul implores, and focusing on how you feel (and not on trying to change your husband or wife) and then working together to come to a solution.

Two - I think perhaps the best marriage verse in the Bible occurs in Ecclesiastes, attributed to Solomon, waxing poetic on the nature of existence. Ecclesiastes 4:9-11 makes a good case for the value of marriage:

 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Solomon goes on though. Verse 12 reads: Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not easily broken. The three strand cord? Husband, wife, and God. THAT is the relationship that will stand fast.

Puzzle V: Process

Throughout the last year of this pandemic, even more so in the early stages, people were stuck in their homes and needed to find ways to pass the time. Many turned to an old stand-by: jigsaw puzzles. Puzzles have long been a mainstay at the shore for vacationers as a way to get through rainy days when the beaches and boardwalks were not available – or at least, wouldn’t be very pleasant. Puzzles can be worked on alone or in groups, and while challenging can give a real sense of accomplishment when the end is reached, the last piece snapped into place and the image is complete.

In a recent series on his daily leadership vlog, Darren Hardy drew parallels between various strategies to address the challenges of puzzles as also being effective ways to conquer the difficulties of succeeding at business, and indeed at life. Could these same themes also apply to succeeding at marriage? Can we find scripture to back up this theory?

Process

The border is set, and we have chosen a piece to find a place for or a void to find a piece for - we have chosen one issue to work on until it is resolved, and we have resolved it carefully and thoughtfully, not forcing a piece to fit where it doesn’t belong! We’ve changed our point of view to get a fresh perspective and get around an impasse… so, now what?

Some puzzles are easier than others; a lower piece count, simpler images with bright, clearly defined areas of distinct colors. These can be finished quickly, and then broken down and put back in the box to do again another day. Others, though, have piece counts in the thousands, with gradations of color that can be indistinguishable under insufficient light, especially after staring at them for any length of time. It’s easy sometimes to wonder “why bother?” With puzzles, and in relationships, sometimes it seems easier just to quit. Divorce rates are what they are because many come to difficult spots and conclude it’s easier to quit and start again elsewhere then it is to really dig in and do the work necessary. It is vital in marriage to start with the belief that you will finish… to mean it when you say “until death do us part.” Starting a marriage with the clearly spoken understanding that, come what may, we will work through it and come out stronger, wiser - and together. Our society with all its focus on individuality does not support this. Look out for number one, follow your heart, keep yourself happy - all this messaging through art, media, and advertising runs counter to the idea of serving sacrificially, of giving of yourself, of having obligations instead of rights - all the things we are called to in a Godly union of two souls becoming one flesh. With the world blaring its messages at us, it can be easy to wonder “why bother?” or “is this all worth it” and consider quitting. Don’t.

The rewards of growing together, of staying together, are enormous. When we invest the time and effort of learning about one another, we can love each other better and more completely. The more we know of each other the better we can serve and fulfill their desires. Of course there are the mundane, earthly benefits of financial stability as well. When we hit rough patches we must balance thoughts of what we’re going through against the rewards of working through them. If marriage is an analog to God's love for creation, when Paul write in Romans 8:18

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

can we not apply that to our marriages as well?

When we do a jigsaw puzzle, is the final product the point? Sure, we can glue it together when we’re done, put it in a frame and hang it on the wall, but if that were the only goal, could we not have just purchased a poster, a photographic print, or a painting? The point of doing a puzzle is the process of working on the puzzle!

We must also consider the ‘point’ of marriage; is it our happiness? Or is it more? As with the puzzle, the point is the process! Living in close quarters with someone calls us to develop all the fruits of the spirit! As we share our whole life with another flawed and finite human being, for the relationship to work each partner must be patient, gracious, forgiving, loving and kind, gentle, generous and self-controlled (See Galatians 5:22). Of course it won’t be easy; Paul says further in Romans 8:23

but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly while we wait for adoption, the redemption of our bodies.

We groan, inwardly as we wait. But it will be worth it! Marriage is a crucible in which we are refined. The process may not always be pleasant; think of gold reduced to liquid over a flame. But it is then that our impurities are burned away, leaving only that which is pure and precious.

So let us, as Paul writes in Hebrews 12:1 “run with perseverance the race that is set before us,” because we can be confident in God’s plan. Phillipians 1:6 states

that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

God bless you all and your marriages as you find joy in the process of doing marriage.

Puzzles IV: Point of View

Throughout the last year of this pandemic, even more so in the early stages, people were stuck in their homes and needed to find ways to pass the time. Many turned to an old stand-by: jigsaw puzzles. Puzzles have long been a mainstay at the shore for vacationers as a way to get through rainy days when the beaches and boardwalks were not available – or at least, wouldn’t be very pleasant. Puzzles can be worked on alone or in groups, and while challenging can give a real sense of accomplishment when the end is reached, the last piece snapped into place and the image is complete.

In a recent series on his daily leadership vlog, Darren Hardy drew parallels between various strategies to address the challenges of puzzles as also being effective ways to conquer the difficulties of succeeding at business, and indeed at life. Could these same themes also apply to succeeding at marriage? Can we find scripture to back up this theory?

Point of View

The border is set, and we have chosen a piece to find a place for or a void to find a piece for - we have chosen one issue to work on until it is resolved, and we have resolved it carefully and thoughtfully, not forcing a piece to fit where it doesn’t belong! Sometimes though, the puzzle is far from finished - and we feel we have exhausted our options.

When this happens, it is often extremely helpful to change our perspective and look at things from a different angle. With an actual puzzle this can be accomplished as easily as walking to the other side of the table to look at things upside down, or standing on a chair to view the work in progress from on high. In life, and in marriage it may be a more involved undertaking to change our point of view, but it is no less valuable. Obi Wan Kenobi, while explaining things to young Luke Skywalker in Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back says “you're going to find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view.” Some of those “truths” are not actually true, but a product of our experiences, our preconceptions or a lack of knowledge or understanding. It is for this reason that Robin Williams’ character in Dead Poet’s Society, English teacher John Keating, stands on a chair in class and tells his students it is “to remind myself that we must constantly look at things in a different way.”

It is very easy as we go through life - especially married life - to get so caught up in the minutia of our busyness and lose sight of the bigger picture, or to assume we have all the necessary information to assess a situation when in fact, we do not. It can be as easy as stopping and asking our spouse if what we are thinking is correct!  Many interviewers will tell you that the “trick” to what they do comes down to simply asking good questions. As in every marriage-related situation, communication is key to maintaining peace and fostering understanding and unity.

If that is not enough, it may require questioning yourself to determine what point of view you are seeing the issue from. What is hindering you from a more complete understanding? What biases are clouding a clearer view? Is it just that you are seeing things from a worldly perspective, and not a heavenly one? Paul’s epistles warn us about this multiple times. Colossians 3:2 says

Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.

and 2 Corinthians 5:16 reads

So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view.

Strive to put yourself in your spouse’s shoes, to see things from their side of an issue, but also, always, seek to align yourself with the heart and mind of God through prayer and devotion to His word.

(no chair needed)

Puzzles III: Fit

Throughout the last year of this pandemic, even more so in the early stages, people were stuck in their homes and needed to find ways to pass the time. Many turned to an old stand-by: jigsaw puzzles. Puzzles have long been a mainstay at the shore for vacationers as a way to get through rainy days when the beaches and boardwalks were not available – or at least, wouldn’t be very pleasant. Puzzles can be worked on alone or in groups, and while challenging can give a real sense of accomplishment when the end is reached, the last piece snapped into place and the image is complete.

In a recent series on his daily leadership vlog, Darren Hardy drew parallels between various strategies to address the challenges of puzzles as also being effective ways to conquer the difficulties of succeeding at business, and indeed at life. Could these same themes also apply to succeeding at marriage? Can we find scripture to back up this theory?

Fit

The border is set, and we have chosen a piece to find a place for or a void to find a piece for - we have chosen one issue to work on until it is resolved. It is vitally important that we find the right piece! Humans are infinitely complex, and each is unique. In a marriage two of these complex, unique (and flawed) people have come together as one. An issue between them, a problem in the marriage now has exponentially more possible solutions - and many of those have the potential to make things worse.

With jigsaw puzzles sometimes we look at a piece, we look at the incomplete puzzle and we just know where that piece goes… until we try to put it in the spot, and none of the tabs and slots align; too big, too small, the wrong shape, the wrong number of tabs and slots. But the colors look right! We squint our eyes and it looks like it fits! We turn it around over and over again to no avail. Sometimes the shapes are close… close enough we convince ourselves they are right. And we push a little harder, we force it in. If we are able to successfully convince ourselves, then we create more problems. Not only is this piece not right, we have removed a correct solution for elsewhere on the puzzle, and the piece that is supposed to go here is somewhere, no with no place to go.

In life, in marriage, as in puzzles, we can not force a ‘fit.’ With all the sources we can go to for answers, it can be dizzying and overwhelming to try and solve anything. Friends offer their advice, magazines scream self help headlines on their covers, countless books, TV shows, blogs and podcasts offer their (usually) well-meaning services. Information from any of those things, taken verbatim and at face value can cause harm if we try to simply implement them without first checking the “shape” and “color” and very carefully determining if it fits the situation at hand.

The only way we can know that is if we are truly open and honest with each other. We must talk through any solution with our spouse since the answer must ‘fit’ the unique combination of two people, two souls that have joined together as one. 

And of course, since God created each of us, he alone knows all our complexities (even the ones we aren’t conscious of, or won’t admit) down to the number of hairs on our head (Matthew 10:30) He also knows how husband and wife fit together, how their souls entwine and what is best for them. How do we tap into that knowledge? How do we test each piece in the puzzle we are creating together? We pray. As we deal with the issues that face us, we talk to each other - and to God. In all facets of our lives we ask for his guidance, his wisdom. Even Paul admonishes in 1 Corinthians 7:5

Do not deprive one another except by mutual consent and for a time TO DEVOTE YOURSELVES TO PRAYER (emphasis mine)

Seek Him. Focus on Him. Find the ‘piece that fits,’ and do not force a solution to a problem that does not fit the unique puzzle that you and your spouse are creating together.

Puzzles II: Pieces

 Puzzles II: Pieces

Throughout the last year of this pandemic, even more so in the early stages, people were stuck in their homes and needed to find ways to pass the time. Many turned to an old stand-by: jigsaw puzzles. Puzzles have long been a mainstay at the shore for vacationers as a way to get through rainy days when the beaches and boardwalks were not available – or at least, wouldn’t be very pleasant. Puzzles can be worked on alone or in groups, and while challenging can give a real sense of accomplishment when the end is reached, the last piece snapped into place and the image is complete.

In a recent series on his daily leadership vlog, Darren Hardy drew parallels between various strategies to address the challenges of puzzles as also being effective ways to conquer the difficulties of succeeding at business, and indeed at life. Could these same themes also apply to succeeding at marriage? Can we find scripture to back up this theory?

Pieces

The border is set! Now, how do we approach putting together all the pieces that make up your marriage? Our lives are complex; this isn’t any beginner-level puzzle. There are tons of pieces, and many, many colors of varying hue and saturation. The pieces themselves are intricate with lots of tabs and slots. It can be overwhelming, especially at the beginning to look at the myriad choices and possibilities and make sense of it all.

Think of a marriage relationship: there are six types of intimacy (as set forth by the DeLorenzos of the ONEextraordinary Marriage podcast). Physical, spiritual, emotional, financial, recreational, and sexual. We are living in the world (even as we strive to not be of it) so we deal with things like work, church, media, hobbies, social groups. Some of us have kids and then add raising them to the mix. We deal with discipline and instruction, school, sports and extracurricular activities, THEIR social groups. At any given time all these things may need the attention of one or both spouses, but trying to deal with them all at once is a sure strategy for disaster. At any given time, ONE of these issues is probably the most pressing and dealing with it until it is “solved” will make dealing with the next issue easier. Pick one piece of the puzzle, and find where it fits. Or pick one void in the incomplete picture, and search the available solutions until you find the one.

Remember Martha, running around her house trying to deal with all the things required to host Jesus at her house. Exasperated, frustrated - and missing out on experiencing Jesus’ presence like Mary was doing - she addressed Jesus not to be with him, but to get him to scold her sister! The lord replies (in Luke 10:41-42)

Martha, Martha, you are worried and distracted by many things; there is need of only one thing.Mary has chosen the better part, which will not be taken away from her.

This story is also a great reminder that whatever puzzle piece we are working on, it is critical we keep God at the center of our problem solving efforts. In our human frailty we have unlimited potential to make matters worse when we rely on our own cleverness, our own strength. We can always choose to take the winding, more difficult road to any destination. Proverbs 3:6 admonishes though

In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

Rely on God. Keep his promises - and his Son - first and foremost in your heart as you and your spouse tackle the manifold issues in your life. As you communicate (regularly) identify the area that is most requiring attention at the moment, for there are always issues requiring your attention. Work on that issue, together, until it is dealt with. Then you can address the next puzzle piece with similar diligence and care, and work towards a picture - a marriage - that honors God and shows his love for creation to the world.

Puzzles I - Borders

Throughout the last year of this pandemic, even more so in the early stages, people were stuck in their homes and needed to find ways to pass the time. Many turned to an old stand-by: jigsaw puzzles. Puzzles have long been a mainstay at the shore for vacationers as a way to get through rainy days when the beaches and boardwalks were not available – or at least, wouldn’t be very pleasant. Puzzles can be worked on alone or in groups, and while challenging can give a real sense of accomplishment when the end is reached, the last piece snapped into place and the image is complete.

In a recent series on his daily leadership vlog, Darren Hardy drew parallels between various strategies to address the challenges of puzzles as also being effective ways to conquer the difficulties of succeeding at business, and indeed at life. Could these same themes also apply to succeeding at marriage? Can we find scripture to back up this theory?

Borders

Everyone knows that when doing a jigsaw puzzle. The best thing to do first is to find all the pieces that have straight edges and construct the border. As a metaphor this can mean that to efficiently solve a given problem, you have to define what the problem is. It clarifies parameters, defines expectations and provides context for all the work that needs to get done. In marriage, what would this look like?

At the very beginning, even before the wedding day multiple discussions should be had! It’s been said all people have a set of “rules” that they expect people in their life to live by – but these rules are rarely communicated, and sometimes the person themself isn’t even aware they have them! These rules are developed over a lifetime, in response to family scenarios and life experiences, and once a person reaches adulthood, the rules, unwritten, unspoken and sometimes even beneath recognition are set in proverbial stone. People enter into marriage expecting their spouse to act a certain way. Expectations exist for things as mundane as who will take out the trash and who will do the dishes, or who will cook and clean the house. Broader topics like how children will be raised, and taught and disciplined and who will deal with the bills and finances, how money will be spent and even who will make it also can have “rules” attached to them. Intimacy itself, the heart of a marriage union is certainly not exempt! How and when affection is shown, who initiates sex, how and how often all are things that matter to each and every person – and should be communicated, understood and at least considered if not fully agree upon, at the very beginning. Going into marriage we should welcome these discussions, to learn about our spouse and thus better know how to love them! Proverbs 12:1 says

Those who love discipline love knowledge, but fools hate any kind of correction.

Talk early, and talk often! God is unchanging but everything and everyone else changes over time. Conversations with your spouse about issues big and small will help to always make sure the border is set, and you both know the goals you are working towards as you assemble the pieces of your life together.

Self Giving

Society makes too big a deal about sex - and too little. The world holds it up as something to strive for - it is a major focus in all media, from music, shows and movies, to literature and advertising. Simultaneously though, sex is seen as casual, as recreational, as “no big deal.” Christians make the same mistake from the opposite direction. Purity culture portrays it as the biggest deal before marriage. Our youth are told about all the pitfalls and negative consequences, how it will ruin their lives if they don’t wait until they are married. But the true nature of the gift of sex that God has given us is rarely - if ever - discussed. The church has long abdicated its responsibility to teach on this subject. As Kevin Lehman said in his Making the Most of Marriage study “If anyone should be talking about how great sex is - it’s the church!” Even among Christian marriage authors and counsellors, the message is often reduced to it being a man’s need, a wife’s responsibility. The “don’t deny one another” command from 1 Corinthians 7:5 is pulled out of context and set in this husband/ wife dichotomy that misses so much of the point. Even in this context it is seen as “just sex.” God designed it to be so much more though, and so few ever fully realize its potential.

In a recent podcast, Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife (Ph.D in Counseling Psychology, a relationship and sexuality educator and coach, and Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor) broke down how she sees sex in three stages that manifest based on the maturity of the participants and the seriousness of the relationship. In summary:

Stage 1 sex is self referential. It’s about getting what you want, and it focuses almost solely on one’s own physical pleasure.

Stage 2 sex at least begins to acknowledge the “it takes two” couple dynamic and nature of the relationship, but it remains transactional; “I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine.” It is not very deep at this stage, not collaborative.

Stage 3 sex though, is. Sex at this stage takes nothing for granted and is collaborative - and communicative. It becomes no longer about taking, about one’s own pleasure but about giving. It becomes about communication of love, of value, of cherishing.

People capable of stage 3 sex are much more at peace with themselves, and no longer have anything to prove. They are free therefore to truly love through their sexuality. They are free to be fully known, and to know. There is a reason that sex in the bible (at least in the King James version) is stated in exactly these terms. 

Now Adam knew Eve, his wife. And she conceived, and bore Cain. (Gen  4:1)

And Elkanah knew Hannah his wife, and the Lord remembered her. So it came to pass in the process of time that Hannah conceived and bore a son, and called his name Samuel. (1 Sam 1:19-20)

On twitter, Pastor Tim Keller recently posted a powerful thread discussing sex in the context of marriage and why this world pushes back so hard against God’s design for it. Though he didn’t mention the three stages, the implications were very clear. He stated: “We believe sex was not created just for pleasure but for mutual self-giving toward a deep, permanent union that creates character and new human life. We believe sex was created for persons to say non-verbally but powerfully to one another: “I belong completely and exclusively to you.” It must not be used to say anything less than that or you are not respecting sex’s power, depth, and force.” All those statements could very well be describing Finlayson-Fife’s ‘stage 3’ definitions. Regarding the world’s view Keller wrote: “In sex outside of marriage, we maintain our independence and fail to give our whole selves to the other person… and very often one or both gets exploited.” That is completely Stage 1.

How are you loving your spouse? Is your goal to communicate the depth of your love? To wordlessly show how much you cherish them? To be vulnerable and open and truly share your heart? These goals are not easy; they do not come naturally to our finite, fallible souls. They should be our goals though. We should commit to working towards them. At the end of his twitter thread, Tim Keller warned about the dangers of doing otherwise:

“If you cultivate sex for self-affirmation instead of self-giving, you diminish sex’s power to function as a commitment apparatus and covenant renewal agent within marriage. You harden or dehumanize yourself.”

Think instead on Proverbs 11:24

Some give freely, yet grow all the richer; others withhold what is due, and only suffer want.

That verse was (probably) not written about sex, but think about how beautiful it is when taken in the context. The implied meaning is that the best way to get what you want out of physical intimacy is to not worry about it, but put forth all your effort to give your spouse what they want. That means seeking to learn about them, their wants and needs and fears and concerns - seek to KNOW them as deeply as you can, and then act on that knowledge, giving of your self to communicate the depth of your love.