Learn. Act. Share.

So, when I was struggling with marriage stuff, I read a lot; books on relationships, books on marriage, books on how to deal with stuff. At some point, my counsellor said that I knew a lot, in fact, I knew all I needed to find my answers, come to terms with - and get on with - my life. She told me I had probably read more relationship books than some counsellors, and I really needed to do something with that knowledge. I knew she was was right, and yet I kept looking for books I hadn’t read, angles I hadn’t looked at my situation from. I kept searching instead of doing anything. I had grown comfortable in my discomfort. I was not happy but at least my life was a known quantity. To DO something would mean things might change; hopefully for the better, but as in most things there were no guarantees. That was scary. What if things got worse? (Yes, this showed a clear lack of faith on my part, but that’s another article) I eventually started talking to my wife about what was bothering me, and we worked through it. That’s not what this article is about though.

My point here is twofold. It is not to avoid learning, to stop seeking after knowledge. Research is important, but then we must act. The wisdom we gain, the lessons we learn on our journey must be put to good use. To remain miserable even after we have acquired the tools to fix our situation would be the height of folly. Change is rarely easy, and often there is work to do (some serious) to enact positive change, to get us back on the path God has set before us; but it is up to us to do that work, to take those steps. As it says in James 2:20 about faith:

...wilt thou know, O vain man, that faith without works is dead?

so too it is with knowledge, wisdom and experience: without the work to implement it, it does us no good. So, if you and your spouse do a devotional together, great. If you do a couples’ study together, awesome! Read a book as a couple, like  Gary Chapman’s “Love Languages”? Excellent! But... make sure you work together to DO the things you learn, to change your marriage for the better, to grow as a couple in love.

So we do, we heal, we change, we grow... then what?

I think we get very attached to the notion that our trials and tribulations, our pain and suffering - and even our successes and victories - are for and about us. This is not at all the case. There’s a saying in Latin: “Scire tuum nihil est, nisi te scire hoc sciat alter.” It means “Your knowledge is nothing when no one knows you know it.”

It of course starts with us, but that is not where it should end. God blesses us so that we can bless others. In his Song of Solomon video series, Rev. Tommy Nelson beseeches couples that have weathered the storms of life to find younger couples and mentor them on how to keep love alive, how to stay Christ-centered in their relationship, and how to succeed despite all the forces that seek to erode and destroy a marriage.

Once I had stabilized myself, my counsellor asked “Now what?” What else could I do with the knowledge and experience I had gathered? I started writing, and you are reading the result of that, some three years later! I thank God He is still giving me things to say.

Them's the Breaks (or Take One)

Life is always crazy for parents with kids towards the end of the school year, and ours has been no exception. Recitals, rehearsals, end of year parties, and on and on and on. So last Saturday, despite having other things to do, we packed up the kids and headed to the beach. Sure, it was on our “to-do” list to buy our beach badges, so we crossed that off - and then stayed. For a few hours. As the kids jumped in and out of the ocean, my wife and I walked up and down the beach, skipping shells, finding sea glass and talking. The sounds of the surf and gulls were seriously relaxing. After walking we crashed on the blanket, and just lay there.

Sure, once we got home it was chaos again as we had to get everyone clean, prepare a dish and rush off to yet another gathering, but it was so worth it to have those few hours to do nothing but spend with each other.

Breaks are important. Of course that’s why God commands us to keep holy the Sabbath, but even our Sundays can tend to get away from us. My challenge to all you married folks this month is to look at your schedules, and cross something off. Say no to something so you can say yes to your spouse, whatever that might mean. In his book Love Does,  Bob Goff talks about a peculiar habit he has: every Thursday, he quits something. They might be good things, he explains, but he does this to make more time for God to work in his life in new ways. What can you quit to make room for God to work in your marriage? What you can say no to, or erase from your calendar to allow you and your spouse time together to reconnect and strengthen your bond? They might be good things, or even important things, but are they more important than your marriage? Is anything?

It is so easy to let your marriage fall to the bottom of your “to-do” list. We forget in the hustle and bustle that being married is not a state of being but it is something we must do every day. It is a choice we must make - to serve, to love - continuously, despite whatever else we have on our plate. Whatever that is for you, chances are it will still be there later. The house cleaning, the laundry... even if you did them, you’d just have to do them again. Those Facebook messages and emails will still be on your wall or in your in-box. Work will be an excuse that lots will use, but consider this verse from Ecclesiastes 5:12

The sleep of a laborer is sweet, whether they eat little or much,
but as for the rich, their abundance permits them no sleep.

Is it the labor that is sweet? No, but the “rest of the laborer.” As for what you get if you choose to keep working? You may earn more, sure, but you wind up with less time with your wife and family, plus insomnia! Not a great deal, when you think about it in those terms.

So you may have noticed that there was no Marriage Moment article last month...

I was taking a break.

Success

A marriage done right is an incredible blessing to both spouses. It can be like armor, serving to protect the couple from loneliness, frustration and temptation. It also serves as a picture to the world of the love God has for all creation. For that reason, whenever there is hardship (and there will be hardship; even loving, God centered unions are not exempt) Satan will whisper his lies, seeking to drive a wedge between you and your spouse. It is critical when times are tough that you cling to the one flesh you and your spouse have become (Genesis 2:24). Tough times have the capacity to drive a couple apart if their union does not have God at its core, but if they do, trouble can bring them even closer, make their bond stronger and their love deeper. Successes won together are sweeter, and with God they are nearly assured. Ecclesiastes 4:12b: A cord of three strands (husband, wife and god) is not easily broken. This world, however, doesn’t want your marriage to succeed; society in many ways sides with Satan. I’m not just talking about the cadres of divorce lawyers waiting to make a buck on failed marriages; think of advertising executives. Most advertising is based on one simple idea: if they can make you think you are unhappy without their product, you will be compelled to buy it. Commercials for men’s products almost exclusively imply “if you buy >insert product here< then chicks will dig you.” Read Proverbs 5:18-19: May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer— may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love. Does that husband care if a new car will turn the head of some random girl on the street? Think about how, um, happy those women are in the shower with that brand of shampoo; a woman who has a husband that regularly blows her mind with his attentiveness and efforts in love and romance can say “I have no need of that product.” How many books would the “Shades of Grey” author have sold if every wife was fulfilled in her own bedroom by the man she married? Song of Solomon 2:3-4 says: Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my beloved among the young men. I delight to sit in his shade, and his fruit is sweet to my taste. Let him lead me to the banquet hall, and let his banner over me be love. Is that woman looking to fiction, or hygiene products, to satisfy her desires? When times are tough, it’s easy to stop trying to make marriage work.. Work demands more time, financial stress saps your energy and joy. Make the choice to love anyway. Keep communicating, even if it is just to let your spouse know that you’re struggling. Honesty and vulnerability when you are down leads to deeper understanding, which fosters greater intimacy and love. If both of you are struggling, cling tightly to each other. Shared struggle and pain can forge strong lasting, bonds; think of soldiers who fought together, or even a sports team making a push for a playoff spot. The key is to know you are in it together, no matter what happens. There is no quit, no out. Starting there, you can use the knowledge that it is “just you two against the world” to foster a sense of teamwork, of camaraderie, of oneness in mind, heart and spirit.

Failure

Have you ever failed at something? If you answered no, you ARE human, right? If so, I suspect you might be lying. More specifically, have you ever failed at something in your marriage? I have. Often.

It happens, folks. We are all human, with the finite fallibility that implies. We will fail, over and over again. That’s a depressing way to start a marriage article, but my point is this:

We all need to allow ourselves to be human. We are going to fail, but when we do, we don’t need to beat ourselves up. We don’t need to be angry at ourselves, or be dispirited, and by all means we must not quit. Bob Goff talks about this in his book, Love Does.

Failure is just part of the process, and it’s not just okay; it’s better than okay. God doesn’t want failure to shut us down. God didn’t make it a three strike and you’re out sort of thing. It’s more about how God helps us dust ourselves off and swing for the fences again. And all of this without keeping a meticulous record of our screw ups.

We need to accept that we are not perfect, even as we strive to follow Jesus’ examples of how to love. In all humility, when we fall short we need to realize how much we need God, that only in him can we begin to love as we ought.

"We need to accept that our spouses aren’t perfect, and strive to show them the grace and forgiveness that God gives us. If our brother is due forgiveness seventy times seven times, (Matthew 18:22) how much more so our spouses? Again, with humility we need to see our own failings when our spouses disappoint us, and realize that we need the same grace and forgiveness we are called to give."

God says in 2 Corinthians 12:9

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.

Do we believe that? Do we truly grasp what that means? It means we are free. We don’t have to be perfect - which is a huge relief, since we can’t! We need only to rely on God, and seek him and his will, not just for our marriages but our lives. When we are deeply invested in his word and its implications for us, we can rest easy. Consider these verses:

For if their purpose or activity is of human origin, it will fail. - Acts 5:38
For no word from God will ever fail. - Luke 1:37

What are you relying on?

Seek Godly counsel

“Misery loves company.“

The old adage has a lot of truth to it. When we are down we desire comfort, and few things bring a married person down more than marital discord. When we seek comfort in these situations though, it can lead us to seek out not the people who will give us the best advice, but rather the advice we want to hear. Also dangerous is the fact that modern society makes it hip to bash the institution of marriage. Complaining to friends about one’s spouse is constant fodder in movies, sit-coms, and comedy routines. It has become too easy, too acceptable to talk about your marriage problems to people who have no interest in helping you solve them. At best this is unhelpful - and at worst it can be destructive. If you are complaining about your spouse, your account is slanted to your point of view. Your friends will more than likely side with you, and it quickly becomes a downward spiral that leaves you convinced you are right, or have been wronged. When that happens, there is little chance there will be room in your heart for grace, forgiveness and humility when you and your spouse are together again.

Those traits - grace, forgiveness and humility - are the keys to effective problem solving. They are the hallmarks of God’s kingdom, which we are implored to strive for in Matthew 6:33.  “Seek first his kingdom, and His righteousness.” You must talk to your spouse first if there is an issue to resolve. Sometimes though, problems are too big, hurts run too deep, for a couple to effectively work out on their own. If you must talk to a third party be sure and seek out someone who will give you honest advice from a Godly perspective, and not just someone you know will agree with your take on the problem. Obviously, it is not easy to talk about problems in your marriage with just anyone, so this underscores the need to be in a strong, Christian community. When there are people in your life that you regularly study God’s word with, they are able to give you an objective viewpoint, one grounded in Biblical truth. In James 5:16 we are called to “confess our sins to one another, and pray for one another that we may be healed.” None of us is meant to take on our problems in isolation. It is easy when we struggle to believe that we are all alone, that no one could understand exactly  what we are going through. These thoughts are Satan’s lies at work on our flawed selves! Being in an active community of believers gives you a network in which you don’t have to be alone.

In Galatians 6:1-3 we are implored to not only “bear one another’s burdens” but also to “restore in a spirit of gentleness a brother or sister caught in any trespass.” The love we share in community goes both ways; we are there to be supported, but also to support our brothers and sisters in Christ as there is need. For those of you in strong, healthy marriages, be relationship mentors to a young couple. Honestly share your wisdom, your experiences. Show them how God has blessed you, and why His plans for couples are for the best. Work towards strengthening other marriages, and you will also bless your own!

Quantity vs. Quality

In the book “Art and Fear” there is a passage about a ceramics class. The professor split the class into two; one half was to be graded on quantity. At the end of the class their finished works would be weighed. If they had 50 pounds, they got an A, 40 pounds got a B, and so on. The other group was to be graded on quality. They had to produce only one pot, but to get an A it had to be perfect...

Well, come grading time and a curious fact emerged: the works of highest quality were all produced by the group being graded for quantity!

It seems that while the “quantity” group was busily churning out piles of work - and learning from their mistakes - the “quality” group had sat theorizing about perfection, and in the end had little more to show for their efforts than grandiose theories and a pile of dead clay.

Thomas Edison, when questioned about all his failures while trying to create a working incandescent light bulb said this:

I have not failed; I've just found 10,000 ways that didn't work.

How does this apply to marriage? What activities do you do too carefully, afraid to fail, trying too hard to be perfect? If you’ve been chastised for doing something “wrong” before, you might be unwilling to do it again. Remember that failure is just a chance to learn, and thus to grow. Take criticisms as constructive, and try to get into your spouse’s head. What do they want? What do they expect, or hope for? If it’s not obvious, ASK! Start a dialogue. If it strays away from the subject at hand... that’s fine. Your goal should always be to learn more, that you might love better.

Here’s a case study. Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo do a podcast about marriage, which can be found here:  http://www.oneextraordinarymarriage.com/category/podcast

They talk from a Christian point of view, so it’s refreshing that they are so open and honest about physical intimacy among other topics. Their first episode was about something that completely changed their marriage, maybe even saved it. They were leading a couples’ small group study, and decided to challenge themselves to make love - for sixty straight days. Now, some of you just laughed, some snorted, some cringed... and some raised an eyebrow, or both. They admit to “only” doing it for 40 of the 60 days, but they tell about how their communication skills - in AND out of the bedroom - drastically improved, and (after a month of recovery) their sex life did too.

If you’re committed to the challenge, “same old” is going to get boring pretty quickly. You’ll have to expand your horizons, talk about and try new things to keep going. Some of these efforts will fail, and as a result you will learn. And grow. Too often, we shy away from suggesting anything new or different out of fear; fear that failure will lead to disappointment and future rejection. Too often we settle instead of strive to avoid the pain that failure can cause. We need to remain firm in our commitment to our spouse, seeking to serve even when one or both are struggling. Consider Job 34:4. As they are trying to figure out Job’s tough situation, Elihu says:

Let us discern for ourselves what is right; let us learn together what is good

Ourselves; plural. Together. Take the same attitude with your spouse. In all types of intimacy, physical and otherwise, never stop exploring each other and experimenting. When things don’t work, talk. Apologize if necessary, laugh with each other when possible, and keep moving forward! Inevitably, things will come up; whether it be emotional scars from the past, or views about things that you may have never shared. All of these can serve to bring the two of you closer if they are discussed vulnerably and transparently, with love not judgement; with grace. As Paul wrote in Phillipians 1:30

We are in this struggle together. You have seen my struggle in the past, and you know that I am still in the midst of it.

Even now that you are one flesh, each of you still have your own issues. Work through them as a team. It will take time; as I’ve said before, a human soul is complex. We marry for life because it takes that long to get to know one another fully. The rewards though are amazing. Thomas Edison again:

Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

Don’t ever give up.

Value

John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. The Bible is full of verses that let us know that God loves us. The various authors take pains to make sure we know not only that we are loved, but also how much; to what lengths God goes to express that love - despite our flaws!. It is clear throughout scripture that we have not earned God’s love; indeed we can not earn it. It is a gift, undeserved but given freely. Why does God, through the prophets and apostles, continually point out the breadth and depth of his love for us? Because knowing that you are loved unconditionally, knowing that we are valued and desired, knowing that someone would go to extremes to prove their love has a transformative power on us. We who are married have a similar power. We have the privilege to love our spouse in ways that affirm them, strengthen them and act as a catalyst for God to “finish the good work He has begun in them.” (Phillipians 1:6) I read a story that recounted an old tale from the island of Kiniwata. A custom on this island was for a prospective husband to pay a price to the father of his would be bride, traditionally two or three cows. The story tells of how Johnny Lingo, the island’s most eligible bachelor paid eight cows for his wife, who at the time of the marriage was plain of looks, meek and shy in demeanor. A writer for Woman’s Day heard this story and went to interview the couple. Upon meeting Johnny’s wife, the author remarked that she was the most beautiful women she had ever seen. When asked about his actions, Johnny himself said this: “Many things can change a woman... But the thing that matters most is what she thinks about herself. In Kiniwata, Sarita believed she was worth nothing. Now she knows she is worth more than any other woman in the islands ... I wanted an eight-cow wife.” Read more here: http://www.growthtrac.com/artman/publish/inspire-wife-romance-1369.php I have long believed that confidence is the most important factor to physical attractiveness. Nothing boosts confidence more than knowing that you are cherished by another, just for being you. You may be already married, but brainstorm ideas of how you can let your spouse know they are worth more to you than anyone else. Love them such that there is no doubt in their mind what they mean to you, even at those times when they don’t deserve it... because that’s how God loves us - and there is nothing more powerfully able to transform us into what he has created us to be.