It says in Mark 10:8 -
And the two shall become one flesh; no longer two, but one flesh.
When two people marry, when they leave the homes of their parents and cleave to one another, everything each other has is then co-owned by the both of them. While it is true that we retain our own wants, needs and personalities within this two-part organism that is a marriage, those things are now part of the new whole. Every “my” must become an “ours.”
It says in 1 Corinthians 7:3 -
The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.
These words are written about sexuality, about giving up the right to use your body as a bargaining chip or a weapon to get what you want, and instead submitting it to the other person. What if the concept were applied more broadly though? What if it were about money? Would separate bank accounts then work against the idea of deeper intimacy? How about if it were about kids from a previous relationship? What about career, or vacation time. Think of all the things you brought into your marriage, from physical stuff, to personality traits to emotional baggage. Are there things that you will not co-own with your spouse?
Anything that you will not give up complete control of can lead to resentment and drive a wedge between you and your spouse. Pastor Jimmy Evans issues this warning: “Anything you will not co-own with your spouse has the power to harm, and even destroy your marriage.” Luckily, he also points out that “Mutual possession creates intimacy, and destroys jealousy.”
There are analogies in the stories of people coming to follow Christ. Think of the rich man in Mark 10:21 who asked what he needed to do to get into heaven. “Give all you own to the poor,” Jesus said, knowing that the man’s love of money, his refusal to cede control of that aspect of his life was what would keep him from truly living out the Gospel. Think of the man in Matthew 8:22 who said he’d follow, as soon as he buried his father. “Let the dead bury their own” said Jesus, seeing that in the man it was an excuse for him to not move forward. Think of the things that remain a part of you from before you were married that you still cling to as solely “yours.” In Luke 9:62, Jesus tells a man:
No one, after putting his hand to the plow and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God.
This brings to mind also Lot’s wife, becoming a pillar of salt upon turning back towards Sodom for one last look at the past. Anything you won’t share becomes an anchor, preventing your marriage from growing into all it can be, all God has planned for it to be. Put both hands on the plow. Look forward. Accept shared authority of all you are, and fully embrace the union with your spouse, the idea of being
ONE.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Knowledge = love
When we get married we become one flesh - but that one flesh always resides in two separate bodies. We retain our personalities, our unique wants, needs and hopes. It is within marriage that we should be able to express those without fear of being judged or condemned, even as we give ourselves fully to our spouse and love and serve them. That is the way God designed us; that we would be different, bringing our respective qualities together to work as a team. Over the course of a lifetime spent living, loving and working together, you get to know your spouse like no one else, has or even can. This knowledge doesn’t happen all at once; we are complex beings, with countless layers and nuances. Marriage is for life in the eyes of God precisely because it takes that long to truly “know” that other person. That is the height of intimacy, that complete knowing of another’s soul. There is an old saying that “love” happens between two people who don’t know each other, but “true love” happens when two people know each other completely. There are no secrets, and that increases love, not diminishes it. This relationship between knowledge and love is illustrated by the psalmist in Psalm 91:14-15
Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he hath known my name. He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him.
Does your marriage reflect that picture? Does your knowledge of each other foster that level of devotion?
In marriage we must draw a line between intimacy - which we all desire, and which should be the goal of a healthy, ever-developing relationship - and dependency, which is sure to kill intimacy. When a person is dependant on another for validation, they edit their behavior, limit what they say, what they disclose to their partner. Always wondering how their actions will resonate they become more and more subject to the whims of other people, wondering what other people will think, how they will react. This stifles true self-expression, and over time one can lose their sense of self. Your value comes from God, from his love for you. He made you, “fearfully and wonderfully.” Knowing that, no one should need or seek the approval of other people. As it says in Jude 1:21
Keep yourself in God’s love as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus
God made you the way He did for a reason, and you should revel in that. There is no reason to hide who you are from your spouse; indeed, a strong sense of self is critical to be in a true loving relationship. We need to be able to express ourselves openly and honestly. Within the context of marriage, we should be able to be completely vulnerable and transparent. Our needs can’t be addressed by our spouses if they don’t know what they are! That said, this is often easier said than put into practice. As stated above, that is why we have a lifetime with our spouses to learn and grow, to mature and build the deep, abiding trust necessary to open ourselves completely - and welcome that openness in our partners.
Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he hath known my name. He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him.
Does your marriage reflect that picture? Does your knowledge of each other foster that level of devotion?
In marriage we must draw a line between intimacy - which we all desire, and which should be the goal of a healthy, ever-developing relationship - and dependency, which is sure to kill intimacy. When a person is dependant on another for validation, they edit their behavior, limit what they say, what they disclose to their partner. Always wondering how their actions will resonate they become more and more subject to the whims of other people, wondering what other people will think, how they will react. This stifles true self-expression, and over time one can lose their sense of self. Your value comes from God, from his love for you. He made you, “fearfully and wonderfully.” Knowing that, no one should need or seek the approval of other people. As it says in Jude 1:21
Keep yourself in God’s love as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus
God made you the way He did for a reason, and you should revel in that. There is no reason to hide who you are from your spouse; indeed, a strong sense of self is critical to be in a true loving relationship. We need to be able to express ourselves openly and honestly. Within the context of marriage, we should be able to be completely vulnerable and transparent. Our needs can’t be addressed by our spouses if they don’t know what they are! That said, this is often easier said than put into practice. As stated above, that is why we have a lifetime with our spouses to learn and grow, to mature and build the deep, abiding trust necessary to open ourselves completely - and welcome that openness in our partners.
Monday, April 16, 2012
On Sin
What is the nature of sin? This might seem an odd start to a marriage moment article, but bear with me.
Let’s start with relationships, because the Bible is, at the core of every story, about relationships; between people and God, and between people and other people. Relationships are never static. They are either growing and getting better, or are regressing and getting worse. Stagnation is not a healthy state for a relationship, so I consider that in the latter category of getting worse.
Our relationship with God is no different. We are either growing in this relationship and getting closer to God, or we are getting farther away from Him. It is interesting in regard to sin to consider a word often used in conjunction: repentance. We are called to repent from sin. This is often taken to mean to ask forgiveness, but looking at the Greek word we translate as repent, it means at its root “to turn around.” Constantly doing things and asking forgiveness is not repenting. Turning towards God, and consciously walking towards Him is. If repenting then, is turning around, turning to God, sin could be taken to mean turning from God.
Let’s take this one step farther. If God is love (1 John 4:8) then sin is nothing more than choosing not to love. Whether it be your self, a family member, a spouse, a neighbor, a complete stranger or even the world God has given us to live in, if we choose not to love, we sin. When we regret that, and choose to love instead, that is the very heart of repentance.
Now, apply that thought to your marriage. How often do you choose not to love? If you consider your choice not to love your spouse as “sin” would that change how you interact with your spouse? And not just the big things. I’m not just talking about hitting, or infidelity or lying. What if every snide comment, every sarcastic response, every cold shoulder, every angry shout were all seen as the sin they are... as choosing not to love?
Sometimes it is hard to love. As imperfect beings all of us on occasion choose not to, and then become unlovable ourselves - by human standards. Yet God loved us while we were yet sinners (Romans 5:8) and sent Christ to die for us, cleanse us and redeem us. In so doing he set the example, and provided the motivation to act as he did, to love as He loved. We do not love to get a reward; it is not our actions by which we are saved. We are to love as a joyous response to what has already been done for us. Choosing to love when it is not deserved brings us closer to God, and can also drastically improve our earthly relationships as well. Next time your toes get stepped on, your feelings get hurt or your heart gets broken, choose to love. Turn, and move towards God, and see if you don’t pull your whole marriage in the same direction.
Let’s start with relationships, because the Bible is, at the core of every story, about relationships; between people and God, and between people and other people. Relationships are never static. They are either growing and getting better, or are regressing and getting worse. Stagnation is not a healthy state for a relationship, so I consider that in the latter category of getting worse.
Our relationship with God is no different. We are either growing in this relationship and getting closer to God, or we are getting farther away from Him. It is interesting in regard to sin to consider a word often used in conjunction: repentance. We are called to repent from sin. This is often taken to mean to ask forgiveness, but looking at the Greek word we translate as repent, it means at its root “to turn around.” Constantly doing things and asking forgiveness is not repenting. Turning towards God, and consciously walking towards Him is. If repenting then, is turning around, turning to God, sin could be taken to mean turning from God.
Let’s take this one step farther. If God is love (1 John 4:8) then sin is nothing more than choosing not to love. Whether it be your self, a family member, a spouse, a neighbor, a complete stranger or even the world God has given us to live in, if we choose not to love, we sin. When we regret that, and choose to love instead, that is the very heart of repentance.
Now, apply that thought to your marriage. How often do you choose not to love? If you consider your choice not to love your spouse as “sin” would that change how you interact with your spouse? And not just the big things. I’m not just talking about hitting, or infidelity or lying. What if every snide comment, every sarcastic response, every cold shoulder, every angry shout were all seen as the sin they are... as choosing not to love?
Sometimes it is hard to love. As imperfect beings all of us on occasion choose not to, and then become unlovable ourselves - by human standards. Yet God loved us while we were yet sinners (Romans 5:8) and sent Christ to die for us, cleanse us and redeem us. In so doing he set the example, and provided the motivation to act as he did, to love as He loved. We do not love to get a reward; it is not our actions by which we are saved. We are to love as a joyous response to what has already been done for us. Choosing to love when it is not deserved brings us closer to God, and can also drastically improve our earthly relationships as well. Next time your toes get stepped on, your feelings get hurt or your heart gets broken, choose to love. Turn, and move towards God, and see if you don’t pull your whole marriage in the same direction.
Spring "Cleaning"
This will come as no surprise to anybody, but marriage is work. It's hard, it's never ending, but when the work is done, the time invested it is of inestimable worth. It also is probably not a surprise, but the articles I write contain no information that is actually new. I research the topic of marriage all the time, through interviews and radio broadcasts, movies, online articles and books. I take the ideas that really resonate with me, in terms of things I see, people I know, and things that are going on in my own life, and I write about them. I try and give a Biblical perspective or grounding of the idea if it has none, but none of it makes a difference unless some married couple out there reads what I write - and decides to get to work!
To that end, I challenge all you married couples - make a commitment to work together on your relationship this month. Watch a movie together, and discuss it afterward. Or read a marriage book together, and discuss each chapter, like a devotional. Here are some suggestions:
Books
The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
Sheet Music by Kevin Lehman
The Kosher Sutra (nope. not even kidding) by Shmuley Boteach
Sex God by Rob Bell
Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch
You don't have to take my suggestions; go to a bookstore - make a date of it! - and browse the "Love and Relationships" section and choose one together. feeling adventurous? Browse the "Sexuality" shelves...
Movies
With movies there is fodder for a good couples' discussion everywhere. From obvious places like Fireproof, and Not Easily Broken, and even in "kids" films like Up, and The Incredibles. The key, of course is TO TALK. Let whatever you do together be a jumping off point for a discussion about your marriage. Be open and honest with each other. Listen intently, without judgement or defense.
When you start, reassure each other that anything that is said is because you want to make your union stronger, your love for each other deeper, and resolve to make it so.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Married (With Children) - Part II
The way you live your life has more impact on your children than you will ever know, more than anything you will tell them. Your presence in their lives as an example is critical. Your absence can be equally impactful; if you are not there to teach them, schools, the media, and their peers will fill the void. Children are naturally curious; they have questions. If you are not an integral part of your children’s lives, they will get their answers elsewhere. Since they will not always vocalize their questions (ask my parents about THAT?? ewww!) you need to be proactive. Proverbs 14:26 says:
In the fear of the LORD there is strong confidence, And his children will have refuge.
The example you set can be a refuge for your children. Of course, it’s easiest to be a positive example to your kids when you spend time with them. You need to include them in the things you do so they can see how you interact with your spouse and with others, see how you treat people and handle situations. They need to see that the way you act does not contradict the things they learn in church and Sunday school. Study the Bible, behave in a way that embodies God’s designs, seek his will for your life - and then talk to your kids. Tell them why you treat people the way you do, why you live the way you live. Explain to them - scripturally - why you act this way and do things like putting your spouse’s needs before your own, giving to charity, volunteering your time for worthy causes and treating the people you meet day in and day out with love and respect.
It’s also vital for you to give them some of your time. Dinners together are crucial, and family game- or movie nights and playing with them let them know that they are a valued part of the family. These are the times when you can talk to them; Involve them in family decisions, ask questions, engage them. Plus, If you are freely giving them attention they won’t have to act out to get it. Think hard about that.
Regarding Abraham in Genesis 18:19, God says:
The example you set can be a refuge for your children. Of course, it’s easiest to be a positive example to your kids when you spend time with them. You need to include them in the things you do so they can see how you interact with your spouse and with others, see how you treat people and handle situations. They need to see that the way you act does not contradict the things they learn in church and Sunday school. Study the Bible, behave in a way that embodies God’s designs, seek his will for your life - and then talk to your kids. Tell them why you treat people the way you do, why you live the way you live. Explain to them - scripturally - why you act this way and do things like putting your spouse’s needs before your own, giving to charity, volunteering your time for worthy causes and treating the people you meet day in and day out with love and respect.
It’s also vital for you to give them some of your time. Dinners together are crucial, and family game- or movie nights and playing with them let them know that they are a valued part of the family. These are the times when you can talk to them; Involve them in family decisions, ask questions, engage them. Plus, If you are freely giving them attention they won’t have to act out to get it. Think hard about that.
Regarding Abraham in Genesis 18:19, God says:
For I have chosen him, so that he may command his children and his household after him to keep the way of the LORD by doing righteousness and justice, so that the LORD may bring upon Abraham what He has spoken about him.
How can you “command your children in the way of the Lord” if you are never with them? How can God bring about his plans and fulfil his promises if you aren’t leading them in the way they should go? The society we live in makes time our most valuable resource - and the most misused and squandered one. Time is often spent due to forces that seem beyond us. Military parents are deployed around the world, business trips take people away from their families, but we always have a choice. That said, when quantity is an issue, strive for quality; seek God’s guidance in how you spend your time. Invest yourself heavily in your family and especially in the lives of your children, knowing that few things - if any - matter more.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Married (With Children) - Part I
In one of the hand-made cards that I give my wife for our anniversary, for each year I wrote “I love you because...” or “I love you so...” and then gave a reason that was tied to that time in our relationship. Two examples:
* In the year our son was born, I wrote “I love you so our son will know how women are to be treated - always.”
* In the year our daughter was born I wrote “I love you so our daughter will know what to not settle for less than.”
If there are kids in your marriage, don’t ever forget that you are modeling what relationships are supposed to be to those kids. Are you modeling God’s design, or not? Wives, are you respecting your husbands? Husbands, are you loving your wife like Christ loved the church, giving yourself up for her? Putting her needs before your own? Parents are implored in Proverbs 22:6:
Train up a child in the way he should go, and even when he is old he will not depart from it.
It’s a given when raising kids that your actions are infinitely more influential on them then anything you will ever say - and if they see that what you say contradicts how you act, the message is instantly discarded or lost. This is a big responsibility; God chose you to raise and teach the kids in your care. Instead of seeing this as daunting though, look at it as an opportunity. It’s an chance to view your relationship objectively, and consider what message you’re sending.
I read somewhere that “the best gift you can give your children is to love your spouse.” Why is that? Because you and your spouse are the first couple your children see. In your home is where your children will develop their expectations, hopes and dreams for their own relationships long before they ever consciously think about it. What do you want for them when they start dating, or looking for a spouse? What kind of husband do you want for your daughter? What kind of woman do you want your son to marry? It is your responsibility as their parents to model those qualities and traits.
The Bible has plenty to say on what God wants our marriages to be. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 lists the characteristics of love. Paul speaks to the duties of husbands and wives in Ephesians 5:22-31. The Song of Solomon is a masterful love poem illustrating how two people build a relationship that can last as long as both shall live. Are your behavior, your actions, and the way you are handling conflict teaching your children God’s design for marriage? Study God’s word; learn what it is He wants for you and your spouse. Strive to build a Godly union for your own benefit, for that is how to live out His plans for you. As it says in Jeremiah 29:11 those plans:
...are for your welfare, not evil, to give you a future and a hope.
The bonus is that as your marriage gets better, your kids will notice. It will help shape their beliefs as to what a relationship should be. Once they notice, then talk to them. Teach them the scriptural foundations that you are basing your marriage on. The lesson will mean infinitely more when they can see the results - loving parents and a happy home!
* In the year our son was born, I wrote “I love you so our son will know how women are to be treated - always.”
* In the year our daughter was born I wrote “I love you so our daughter will know what to not settle for less than.”
If there are kids in your marriage, don’t ever forget that you are modeling what relationships are supposed to be to those kids. Are you modeling God’s design, or not? Wives, are you respecting your husbands? Husbands, are you loving your wife like Christ loved the church, giving yourself up for her? Putting her needs before your own? Parents are implored in Proverbs 22:6:
Train up a child in the way he should go, and even when he is old he will not depart from it.
It’s a given when raising kids that your actions are infinitely more influential on them then anything you will ever say - and if they see that what you say contradicts how you act, the message is instantly discarded or lost. This is a big responsibility; God chose you to raise and teach the kids in your care. Instead of seeing this as daunting though, look at it as an opportunity. It’s an chance to view your relationship objectively, and consider what message you’re sending.
I read somewhere that “the best gift you can give your children is to love your spouse.” Why is that? Because you and your spouse are the first couple your children see. In your home is where your children will develop their expectations, hopes and dreams for their own relationships long before they ever consciously think about it. What do you want for them when they start dating, or looking for a spouse? What kind of husband do you want for your daughter? What kind of woman do you want your son to marry? It is your responsibility as their parents to model those qualities and traits.
The Bible has plenty to say on what God wants our marriages to be. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 lists the characteristics of love. Paul speaks to the duties of husbands and wives in Ephesians 5:22-31. The Song of Solomon is a masterful love poem illustrating how two people build a relationship that can last as long as both shall live. Are your behavior, your actions, and the way you are handling conflict teaching your children God’s design for marriage? Study God’s word; learn what it is He wants for you and your spouse. Strive to build a Godly union for your own benefit, for that is how to live out His plans for you. As it says in Jeremiah 29:11 those plans:
...are for your welfare, not evil, to give you a future and a hope.
The bonus is that as your marriage gets better, your kids will notice. It will help shape their beliefs as to what a relationship should be. Once they notice, then talk to them. Teach them the scriptural foundations that you are basing your marriage on. The lesson will mean infinitely more when they can see the results - loving parents and a happy home!
Monday, November 28, 2011
December Doldrums
Ruts: we all fall into them. Very subtly, routine becomes ingrained and you start doing things because, well, that’s what you do. You forget why, or how it started, you just do it... mindlessly. The longer the pattern holds, the harder it becomes to change. Some repeated behaviors are positive. A routine can be a good thing if it removes decisions that cause undue stress, if it stops conflicts before they start. There is a dark side to routine though.
It becomes hard to change even when the change is for the better. Look at your relationship: look specifically at activities and behaviors that are always the same and ask whether or not they are having a positive or negative impact on your marriage. It’s been said that the definition of insanity is to do the same things over and over and expect different results. If your marriage is not all you and your spouse want or need it to be, then maybe doing things differently is in order.
In weightlifting, if one does the same exercise all the time it becomes less and less effective. As the body gets used to the motion, it becomes more efficient at it and the muscle building gains of that exercise diminish. This is called a plateau. To get passed a plateau, you have to do something different; catch your muscles off guard by making them do something they aren’t expecting.
Marriage relationships are no different. If you are in a rut, then your love is not growing to its full potential - time to shake it up a little bit, abandon the routine. New activities done together are great ways to spark conversations, find out things you didn’t know about each other. Abandon comfortable activities and behaviors that have become stale and replace them with ones that provide opportunities to talk. If necessary, turn off the TV. Turn off the computer and mute the phones. Get to know that person you decided to spend the rest of your life with all over again. Consider Paul's words in 1 Corinthians 10:23:
All things are lawful, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful, but not all things edify.
There isn't necessarily anything wrong with a lot of things that you and your spouse are doing, the routines you've settled into. Ask yourself though, are they EDIFYING? Are these things helping your love to grow, your relationship to strengthen? Change things up so that they are.
I was going to make this a New Year’s resolution challenge... but why wait? Do it NOW!
It becomes hard to change even when the change is for the better. Look at your relationship: look specifically at activities and behaviors that are always the same and ask whether or not they are having a positive or negative impact on your marriage. It’s been said that the definition of insanity is to do the same things over and over and expect different results. If your marriage is not all you and your spouse want or need it to be, then maybe doing things differently is in order.
In weightlifting, if one does the same exercise all the time it becomes less and less effective. As the body gets used to the motion, it becomes more efficient at it and the muscle building gains of that exercise diminish. This is called a plateau. To get passed a plateau, you have to do something different; catch your muscles off guard by making them do something they aren’t expecting.
Marriage relationships are no different. If you are in a rut, then your love is not growing to its full potential - time to shake it up a little bit, abandon the routine. New activities done together are great ways to spark conversations, find out things you didn’t know about each other. Abandon comfortable activities and behaviors that have become stale and replace them with ones that provide opportunities to talk. If necessary, turn off the TV. Turn off the computer and mute the phones. Get to know that person you decided to spend the rest of your life with all over again. Consider Paul's words in 1 Corinthians 10:23:
All things are lawful, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful, but not all things edify.
There isn't necessarily anything wrong with a lot of things that you and your spouse are doing, the routines you've settled into. Ask yourself though, are they EDIFYING? Are these things helping your love to grow, your relationship to strengthen? Change things up so that they are.
I was going to make this a New Year’s resolution challenge... but why wait? Do it NOW!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)