Curious?

In his 1937 classic How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie wrote, “You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” How often are we truly interested in our spouse? How often are we still curious about how they see the world, what they think about things, what makes them unique? It is easy after you’ve been with someone for any length of time to think you know them, to think you know how they’ll respond to a question or event, to know what will make them smile, laugh, cry or get upset. The danger in this is that when you think you know the other person, you no longer are curious, you no longer feel the need to learn. Humans are complex creatures. I’ve written before that I believe marriage was created by God to be for life because it takes a lifetime to truly know another person, even when you live with them. Plus, people change. We all as humans have good days and bad days, and accordingly our responses to problems, our emotional triggers and even what strikes us as funny can be drastically different from one day to the next. Some months are harder on some people than others. Seasons affect people differently. Year to year we can change jobs, pick up hobbies and drop others, be in different states of health. Over time we grow, and as that happens we are no longer the same. It is said that you can never jump in the same river twice; you may recognize the banks but the water you were in has moved on to the sea. People are similar to rivers in this respect. They may look familiar, but underneath they have seen things, done things, learned and forgotten things, and they have changed to suit. These changes are usually gradual, and when you live with another person day in and day out they are easy to miss. A sudden change can cause people to take stock though. It is common for a couple who have been pouring their energy into their children and not their marriage to say they “no longer know” their spouse when they are suddenly find themselves empty-nesters. The death of a family member or loss of a job, or any sudden big change can cause such reflection and can be damaging to a relationship if they have been taking each other for granted and assuming they knew their partner. It is crucial to make a habit of talking deeply with your spouse often, and “getting to know them” over and over again. Proverbs 5:18 says May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. Solomon writes in Ecclesiastes 9:9 Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days… God has given you under the sun. One way to delight and rejoice in your spouse is to seek to learn about them. Find new things to appreciate, seek to understand why they feel and act certain ways, what they love or loathe - and why! Learning new things about your husband or wife can revitalize a relationship that has become stagnant, refresh affection that has gone stale. A professor of mine in graduate school used to always tell us “Never assume you have enough information. There is always more to learn.” The same is true in marriage.

Speak up! Truthfully... (in love)

Communication is often the first casualty.

Two people get married after time spent dating, going out to dinner and talking long after the check arrives, chatting while walking through parks and to and from the car to movies, concerts and parties, spending hours on the phone discussing everything (and nothing). Communication comes easy, and is absolutely key to this stage of a relationship as the future spouses try and get to know each other, determining whether this is the “one” to grow old with. You would think that indelible communication habits would be formed, ways to share ideas and concerns, to learn the other’s heart and open one’s own.

After the wedding though, life sets in. Work schedules and volunteer commitments start to cut into time that was spent on connecting during dating and courtship. Then kids arrive, and life is never the same. Late night feedings, teething induced crying fits, temper tantrums all take up relationship  bandwidth that was supporting intimacy. Schedules get fuller and life gets more and more hectic as play dates are replaced by practice schedules, rehearsals and recitals, and soon a couple has seemingly no time to invest in their marriage. The loss of connection and intimacy is bad enough, but the problems that result from that are only solvable by… open and honest communication. Which takes time. Which is already scarce.

With everything already crazy it can seem daunting to find the time to discuss issues or concerns. It takes time but also requires a mindset that is hard to find when you’re stressed and exhausted. It can also seem dangerous to ‘rock the boat.’ The comfort of knowing the situation you’re in is seductive when compared to the unknown of how your spouse might react if you brought up a thorny issue. The sarcastic and trite cliches of “Happy wife, happy life” and “Learn two words: Yes Dear” are born of this mindset - swallow your feelings even if something is bugging you. Just agree to keep the peace.

It’s a lie, though. When issues and concerns are left unvoiced and problems unresolved, they fester. Resentment grows little by little, and when it gets bad enough people claim “irreconcilable differences” and throw the relationship away. Of course the differences were most likely reconcilable if they were addressed when they first became apparent. Proverbs 12:25 says

Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up.

The key is to broach difficult subjects in a manner that does not provoke defensiveness, that fosters openness and honesty, and that seeks common ground and togetherness.

This is the model Christ gives us. As Paul states in Ephesians 4:15

Speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.

Marriage is hard work. Talking out hard issues and solving problems is not fun, but it is vital for a relationship to grow and remain healthy and vibrant. Developing habits that lead to frequent emotional and relational checking in with one another allows things that could become serious to be dealt with early and resolved before they become toxic. The work is hard but the fruits of your labor are a union that is fulfilling and joyous, one that truly honors God.

Pledge of Support IV: Service

Incoming new members to our congregation pledge to support our church through their prayers, their presence, their gifts, and their service. What if we made that our mantra for our marriages as well? What would it mean to how we do marriage to pledge to support it in these four areas? More personally what could it mean if we vowed to bless our spouse in these ways?

Service One of the great myths our society holds about marriage is that it is supposed to make us happy. People, when looking for someone to marry hope to find someone that “completes them” or is “compatible” is a whole array of areas, someone that makes them laugh, someone that will love them. The problem with this is that it is ultimately selfish. 1 Corinthians 13:5 tells us that “love does not seek its own way.” We should not enter into marriage thinking solely of our own benefit. At very least, we should be aware that is not the goal. Jesus did not gather the church to himself so that it could wait on him, or fulfill his needs. Consider Matthew 5:20-28: Jesus called them together and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave— just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” or Mark 9:33-34 He began to question them, “What were you discussing on the way?” But they kept silent, for on the way they had discussed with one another which of them was the greatest. Sitting down, He called the twelve and *said to them, “If anyone wants to be first, he shall be last of all and servant of all.” Holiness is what marriage offers us. Being married to another (imperfect and finite) human being gives ample opportunity for us to emulate Christ. For the marriage to thrive we must day after day strive to show grace and forgiveness, to be humble, and to SERVE. This is the model Jesus set for us all, and for married people specifically since marriage is an analogy of God’s love for His creation. (In Ephesians 5:32, Paul writes: “This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.”) Throughout history people have pointed out that it is through service that we find happiness and purpose anyway! Saint Francis of Assisi said “For it is in giving that we receive” and Leo Tolstoy is quoted as saying “The sole meaning of life is to serve humanity” We are told from when we are little that “it is better to give than receive,” and a Chinese proverb state “If you want happiness for a lifetime, help somebody.” With Saint Valentine’s day approaching, forget the clichés. Don’t bother with chocolate or flowers, and avoid overcrowded restaurants price-gouging patrons with their “special” menus. Truly seek to serve your spouse by making their life easier. Find ways to serve them that only you could know, since by living with them you know them better than anyone. Throughout this month, and this year, tie the towel around your waist and wash their feet. (Metaphorically… or literally!) Equate love with service and service with love, and seek a year of blessing your husband or wife in ways you’ve never thought of, regardless of how long you’ve been together.

Pledge of Support III: Gifts

New members to our congregation pledge to support our church through their prayers, their presence, their gifts, and their service. What if we made that our mantra for our marriages as well? What would it mean to how we do marriage to pledge to support it in these four areas? More personally what could it mean if we vowed to bless our spouse in these ways?

The Bible is full of accounts of gifts: Abraham sending his servant with ten camels loaded with gold and silver to find a wife for Isaac, Joseph’s brothers going with gifts to Joseph when he was in power in Egypt, Nebuchadnezzar promising gifts to any of his astrologers that could interpret his dreams, and even the Magi bringing gold, frankincense and myrrh to the Christ child. Gifts, on the surface, seem easy to understand in the context of a relationship, especially at the end of the year when we are bombarded with commercials showing people giving their significant others luxury cars or gaudy diamond jewelry. We are right around the corner from another holiday where the greeting card and shiny rock industries, among others, want us to believe that lavishing our spouses with ostentatious purchases is the only acceptable way to show them that we love them. Our whole society seems to have bought into this idea that large or expensive material things, at regular, predictable calendar intervals is what love is all about. Much like love itself though, gifts become much less meaningful if mandatory, or expected.

Fernand Point said ““Success is the sum of a lot of small things done correctly.” I believe that small gifts, gifts that cost little or nothing but show you have an intimate knowledge of your partner and a desire to bless them mean much more that roses and chocolate on Valentine’s Day. Things like encouraging notes hidden for them to find when you know they are going to have a challenging day, or a small treat or item that recalls a favorite vacation you took or date you went on can have a much bigger impact and be a louder trumpet of your love and affection. A great gift could just be something practical that you know will make their day easier. Replace something that they love that you know is wearing out. Gifts that show you are paying attention to your husband or wife’s wants and needs are always better, regardless of the price tag.

It bears repeating that to be successful in love you must be a lifelong student of your spouse. You must always seek greater understanding of their heart. Knowing them in this way will make it easier to give gifts that will bless them and impact them deeply in positive ways.David wrote in Psalm 139:23

“Search me, God, and know my heart”

At some level we are all searching for that. Not that we can ever know someone like God does, but we can strive to know the one we chose to spend the rest of our lives with as deeply as we are able. That is one reason why God designed marriage to be for life: in our finite abilities it takes a lifetime to truly know someone. As each year passes then, you should know your spouse better, should have a better grasp of how it is they want and need to be loved. Express your love by giving from that understanding.

Pledge of Support II: Presence

Incoming new members to our congregation pledge to support our church through their prayers, their presence, their gifts, and their service. What if we made that our mantra for our marriages as well? What would it mean to how we do marriage to pledge to support it in these four areas? More personally what could it mean if we vowed to bless our spouse in these ways? This one might seem obvious. As married couples we share the same space with each other; we are often in each other’s presence - but how often are we truly PRESENT? Our lives are full of things that can and do take up our time and demand our effort; kids, jobs, house- and yard work, church obligations, even hobbies and friends all demand our attention. That is why we must make the conscious choice to save some of our focus for our spouse. When we are together we should strive to be in that moment with them, unconcerned with the past and not worried about the future. Being present means right here, right now. We vowed at our weddings to forsake all other people. We must also regularly forsake other things in our lives and devote ourselves entirely to our spouse. When the woman with the alabaster jar was anointing Jesus, some of the disciples’ focus was on what could have been done with the expensive perfume. It could have been sold and the money given to charity! “You will always have the poor,” Jesus admonished. “You will not always have me.” (Matthew 26:11) The woman was blessing Jesus with her presence. The future is not guaranteed. In another passage, Martha was running around preparing to host the disciples. Her sister sat at Jesus’ feet, basking in his presence. “Make her help me!” Martha implored the Lord. “Martha,” he replied. “You are worried and bothered about so many things; but only one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the better part.” Time together is precious. Who upon losing a loved one has ever said “I wish I had done more chores” or “I wish I had spent more time at work”? Carve out time to be together. Protect and cherish that time. Be mindful how you use that time! Being present means putting down the phone, turning off the computer and the TV, and making eye contact with each other as you talk. And as you talk, LISTEN. Listening to - and really hearing - our spouse as they talk is vital. Whether they are discussing their day or sharing a concern, telling you a hope or recounting a dream, listen. Don’t listen with the goal of simply coming up with a response; listen with the intent to understand. Repeat back what they said with a “is that right?” The biblical euphemism for sex is often the verb “to know,” but what if that isn’t just the authors being coy? What if intimacy really demands deep knowledge? How do we achieve that level of ‘knowing’ our partner? We start by listening to them when they speak. Being present with each other means more than just being in the same room, even if all the distractions are removed. Face each other as you talk. Hold hands. Embrace each other. Be aware of the physical contact. Be mindful of each other’s breathing, the temperature of their skin, how the light reflects in their eyes and defines their features, even how they smell. Read how Solomon and his wife describe each other on the Song of Songs; not one of the five senses is left out. “For your love is better than wine, your anointing oils are fragrant” (Song 1:2-3) “When I found him whom my soul loves. I held him, and would not let him go” (Song 3:4) “Your lips are like a crimson thread, and your mouth is lovely. Your cheeks are like halves of a pomegranate behind your veil.” (Song 4:3) “His speech is most sweet, and he is altogether desirable.” (Song 5:16) Being present, being in each other’s presence, means paying attention to the details of each other and savoring them. You chose to spend the rest of your life with your husband or wife. You are each other’s to have and hold, to love and cherish. You are each other’s to enjoy. Reflect on this gift you’ve been given, and choose to bless your spouse with your presence.

Pledge of Support I: Prayer

Incoming new members to our congregation pledge to support our church through their prayers, their presence, their gifts, and their service. What if we made that our mantra for our marriages as well? What would it mean to how we do marriage to pledge to support it in these four areas? More personally what could it mean if we vowed to bless our spouse in these ways? James 5:16 - Confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so you may be healed. How often do you pray for your spouse? Whether out loud to them or silently when they are away, praying for God’s blessings for the person we’ve chosen to spend our life with is important for multiple reasons. To know what to pray for, we need to be aware of what is going on in their lives. Are they dreading a day at work this week? Do they have an important meeting with a boss or client, or a performance review coming up. Is a coworker going on vacation leaving extra work that someone else will have to do? Is a friend of theirs sick, or struggling with a relationship and leaning on them for counsel? Have they suffered a setback working towards a long time dream, or are they having a crisis of faith or identity? Staying tuned in to what your spouse is going through day in and day out not only helps you pray for them with purpose, but it keeps you involved, keeps you connected, and keeps you learning about them. The human heart is infinitely complex, and each one takes a lifetime to learn. This level of connection also helps you to love your spouse the way they need you too. Sometimes we don’t know what is bothering our partner, but even then we should pray. God knows all their situation and their heart, and the Spirit intercedes for us when necessary. Romans 8:26 - In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. It is also important to pray WITH our spouse, uniting in prayer for the good of our marriage. We are exhorted throughout scripture to pray without ceasing, in all circumstances, bringing all requests to God with thanksgiving. Praying together means being vulnerable, opening up to one another, and that transparency aids in honest communication and builds trust. Jesus promises to be wherever two or more are gathered in his name (Matthew 18:20) so to have him present in your marriage, come together in his name. Pray for your concerns, give them to God, and thank him often - and out loud - for the gifts he has given you, including each other! To hear someone voice their appreciation for you is powerful, especially when they are telling a third party (in this case, God) It lends weight to the feeling of gratitude they express, makes it even stronger. Paul even points out that prayer is the only reason to take a break from physical intimacy. 1 Corinthians 7:5 - Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. (Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you) Think this month about how you can support your marriage, and bless your spouse, through prayer.

Commitment Level

At the end of the gospel of Luke, we see the disciple, Simon Peter falter. Jesus is inside on trial, while Peter is out in the courtyard. In his humanity he recoils from responsibility and commitment, and even association with Jesus, despite having just vowed to never do so. John Maxwell in his Leadership Bible lays out four steps to his wilting resolve: he becomes distant, (“He followed at a distance” Luke 22:54) he is divided, (“He sat down with them” [the bystanders in the courtyard] 22:55 ) he attempts to delude (“Woman, I don’t know him.” 22:57) and then fervently denies. (“I don’t know what you’re talking about!” 22:60) Seeking only to save himself any pain, he denied his Lord and savior. Facing people who weren’t even a threat to him, Peter’s resolve withered in the face of what was happening.

Peter at this stage is no role model. In marriage our commitment can likewise fail, and we can unwittingly follow this same pattern in our relationship with our spouse. We can become distant, choosing to spend our time with work, hobbies or social media instead of our partner. Our loyalties can become divided as we seek out friends or family members to hang out with, knowing they will take our side when we complain about the state of things. We can cheat, emotionally, spiritually and physically, and then lie about it when confronted directly with evidence.

Jesus, of course, is the model of commitment we should seek to emulate. In the same account in Luke’s gospel, during his trial he is beaten and mocked and spit upon, Regardless of what indignity is being heaped upon him, he remains steadfast… of course he does; he is God, and we are told the God is eternal and unchanging. In our own strength we can never be as strong - but with God, all things are possible! We can look to Jesus’ ministry and learn vital information about how to remain committed to our marriage. In discussing Jesus’ earthly ministry Maxwell again makes four points, four levels of commitment: Come and see, come and follow, come and surrender, and come and multiply. These levels can also be seen as stages of development in a romantic relationship.

“Come and see” is analogous to the dating and courtship phase of a romance. Think of when Jesus spoke to some of John’s disciples in John 1:35 “Rabbi, where are you staying?” “Come, Jesus replied. “And you will see.” Jesus is allowing people to get to know him at this point, and dating couples do the same. While dating, shared experiences and  long discussions are the norm. People seek to find “chemistry” with another person, and seek to discover the other’s character to determine compatibility. This stage is enjoyable, but shallow. We, and the relationship, must grow.

“Come and follow” Jesus says to those who are ready (though not everyone made the cut: the rich young ruler and the man freed from the host of demons were sent away) There is a step up in commitment when two choose to be exclusive in their relationship. Desire marks this stage and each must be willing to learn not just how this other person can benefit us, but how we can be a blessing to them.

Marriage can be seen as the “come and surrender” stage. We vow to forsake all others. The command for husbands and wives is to “Submit to one another as to Christ” (Ephesians 5:21) Each must rely on the trust that has been built to this point and take initiative. Love is a choice that is made daily at this stage.

The last stage is “come and multiply.” The literal reading could refer to children and starting a family, but beyond that this is when a marriage truly becomes more than the sum of two people. When done right this is when the union starts to hint at God’s love for his creation, and work for his kingdom is accomplished through the couple.

Each stage is in addition to the one before it. As the relationship grows we still must strive to nurture and develop the skills inherent to each one. Even when we have surrendered, it is the curiosity of “come and see” that will keep a romance fresh and new. We must choose to follow the path we walk with our spouse over and over, choose to be faithful each morning. We must commit to serve and to bless the one we have chosen with each morning.

Reflect on where your marriage is at; what stage are you in?