What credit is it to you?

In Ephesians 5, husbands and wives are given very different - yet complimentary - instructions on how to act in marriage. Wives are called to submit and respect their husbands, and husbands are implored to love their wives like Christ loved the Church, giving himself up for her. Why does God direct each spouse differently? Each spouse is commanded to do what does NOT come naturally. Speaking generally, women are more nurturing, more loving. They are more proficient at fostering relationships. Men on the other hand, their world is built on respect and appreciation for accomplishments and achievements. God tells each of us to walk a mile in the other spouse’s shoes, to see your relationship through their eyes. We are called to understand what makes him or her tick, and to encourage them in the way they need to be spiritually and emotionally fed. Consider Luke 6:32-34: If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. What God is saying here is that there is no credit given for what is easy! Loving our enemies, blessing those who curse us, and giving generously not expecting repayment is hard. Paul’s words in Ephesians 5 take the same concept and apply it to marriage. When we attempt to see things from our spouse’s point of view and meet their unique needs we gain empathy, and become more compassionate. God gives us these directives because he knows that when we stretch, when we go outside our comfort zone is when we grow spiritually and emotionally. John F. Kennedy understood this when he declared we were ramping up our space program to go to the moon:
“We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win.” Are you willing to accept the challenge? Are you unwilling to postpone taking it on? Do you intend to win, to love your spouse in all the ways they need to be fulfilled? Obviously communication is key, but so is the motivation, the WANT to keep learning. So, use the best of your energies and skills, and dig deep, never assuming you know your spouse well enough; there is always more to learn. The other reason God commands us to do what is not in our nature, is that it is humbling, and God likes nothing more than a humble heart. Swallow your pride and accept that your way is not always the way, and remember Jesus’ words in John 14:6: I am the way How do we walk His way in terms of our marriages? Be more loving, generous, compassionate and forgiving! And be grateful; give thanks that God has put your spouse in your life to challenge you, to help you grow... and to help you become more like His son Jesus.

http://www.upliftingmarriage.com/12-marathon-blog-challenge/

For worse... or better?

In marriage we must be ready to face “poorer” and “worse” if the union is to survive and thrive when bad times happen - but are we ready to handle “richer” and “better” when we join to become one flesh? If half of this new entity finds success, whether it be a promotion or new job, recognition for an ability or skill, or anything else how does that affect the relationship? We are called in Romans 12:15-16 to:

Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Be of the same mind with one another, and do not be haughty.

While this verse is aimed at all people in body of Christ, the behavior should certainly start at home. There is no room for jealousy between husband and wife over each other’s success. As one flesh, when one succeeds both do, just as if one hurts, both do. We all should be our spouse’s number one fan, knowing that we share in whatever they accomplish, just as they do with us. To that end we need to support them in their efforts and cheer them on! Ephesians 5:28 - 29 reads in part:

He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it

Are you cherishing your spouse? Are you nourishing them in their pursuits? Success takes many forms, and each will affect a marriage differently. With more women in the workplace, traditional roles may have to be flexible to accommodate what “better” means. I have a friend whose wife got a job making significantly more than he was. He quit his own job and started a business he could run from home so that he could be with their children during the day. If he tied his worth as a husband to the notion of being the breadwinner, he’d be in trouble. If he loves his kids and his wife however, and is thankful for the opportunities his wife’s success provides to the family, then their chances for a strong, vibrant marriage dramatically increase.

The key is to always place the good of the family and the needs of your spouse above yourself, above your own wants and needs. And, if you are the one on whom the blessing falls remember to share it, acknowledge your spouse’s contributions to your success, and revel in it together. In 1 Corinthians 13 we are told that love is never envious, nor is it boastful.

For better or for worse

Once, I was in a wedding party. It was a beautiful outdoor ceremony, and I stood there with the other groomsmen, sweating, feet blistering in the plastic rental shoes... and during the vows the bride laughed when the officiant said “for richer or for poorer.” I could understand her skepticism, since the flowers at her wedding cost a good deal more than my entire ceremony and reception, but still it made me wonder. Richer, poorer, better, worse, sickness, health... do we understand what those words mean when we say them?

Firm grasp of the possibilities, and having realistic expectations are crucial to the success of our marriages. Many people enter marriage with the misguided notion that it solves relationship problems, that once married we are somehow owed happiness. When poorer, sicker and worse are right there in the vows it should be clear that “happily ever after” is no guarantee. While this sounds bleak, the good news is that as part of a team, those things are easier to deal with then when we are alone. The secular world sees the team as two people, but as Christians, we know better. One of my favorite verses of scripture talks to this idea: Ecclesiastes 4:12 says:

A cord of three strands is not easily broken.

Three strands; man and wife, and God. Assembled thusly, unions are best prepared to survive - and even thrive - when life’s troubles manifest. Of course marriage is deeper than “team.” The two become one flesh, one new entity where there used to be two people. As critical as realistic expectations are, so is commitment on the part of both people to keep the union paramount and sacred. Both spouses have to agree to always put the sanctity of the marriage above their own wants, needs and concerns. 1 Corinthians 13 speaks to this when it speaks about love:

It is patient and kind, not envious or arrogant, not rude or seeking its own way. It bears all, endures all and does not fail.

Husband and wife must be adamant that come what may, the team remains intact. Come what may, they will face it together and continue on. Practically though, how do we do that?

The wedding I mentioned above was a memorable party, but the marriage did not last. It ended within two years, and after one child. The couple had known each other for less than a year before the wedding so I’m guessing there was not much in the way of premarital counselling, honest discussion of expectations and goals, or efforts to get on the same page with one another on the big issues. The groom was an atheist and the bride was a casual Jew, after all. Couples tend to avoid the kind of discussions that will bring differences to light in an effort to not spoil the relationship, but this lack of communication doesn’t make the differences go away. It  delays the inevitable, and can lead to messy endings.

Before the wedding and after, both parties must grab that third strand, and put God at the heart of their union. He speaks to us in many ways: through his Word, through our faith communities, through prayer. It is up to us to engage God, always. If we do, when troubles occur - whether it be loss of a job, a disease, a difficult pregnancy - we have His strength and guidance to rely on. So, go to church together. Study the Bible together in a small group. Do daily devotionals together, and seek counsel from Godly friends and relatives when you are having issues. Most importantly, consider 1 Thessalonians 5:16-17:

Rejoice always, and pray without ceasing.

Pray for each other, and with each other. Pray in good times as well as bad, and thank God for all you have, including one another! Open your hearts in each other’s presence, and listen to God more than you speak or ask. What you say is not as important is keeping the dialogue open, so that God can speak into your life, and guide you to all your marriage can be.

One Flesh

It says in Mark 10:8 - And the two shall become one flesh; no longer two, but one flesh. When two people marry, when they leave the homes of their parents and cleave to one another, everything each other has is then co-owned by the both of them. While it is true that we retain our own wants, needs and personalities within this two-part organism that is a marriage, those things are now part of the new whole. Every “my” must become an “ours.” It says in 1 Corinthians 7:3 - The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. These words are written about sexuality, about giving up the right to use your body as a bargaining chip or a weapon to get what you want, and instead submitting it to the other person. What if the concept were applied more broadly though? What if it were about money? Would separate bank accounts then work against the idea of deeper intimacy? How about if it were about kids from a previous relationship? What about career, or vacation time. Think of all the things you brought into your marriage, from physical stuff, to personality traits to emotional baggage. Are there things that you will not co-own with your spouse? Anything that you will not give up complete control of can lead to resentment and drive a wedge between you and your spouse. Pastor Jimmy Evans issues this warning: “Anything you will not co-own with your spouse has the power to harm, and even destroy your marriage.” Luckily, he also points out that “Mutual possession creates intimacy, and destroys jealousy.” There are analogies in the stories of people coming to follow Christ. Think of the rich man in Mark 10:21 who asked what he needed to do to get into heaven. “Give all you own to the poor,” Jesus said, knowing that the man’s love of money, his refusal to cede control of that aspect of his life was what would keep him from truly living out the Gospel. Think of the man in Matthew 8:22 who said he’d follow, as soon as he buried his father. “Let the dead bury their own” said Jesus, seeing that in the man it was an excuse for him to not move forward. Think of the things that remain a part of you from before you were married that you still cling to as solely “yours.” In Luke 9:62, Jesus tells a man: No one, after putting his hand to the plow and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God. This brings to mind also Lot’s wife, becoming a pillar of salt upon turning back towards Sodom for one last look at the past. Anything you won’t share becomes an anchor, preventing your marriage from growing into all it can be, all God has planned for it to be. Put both hands on the plow. Look forward. Accept shared authority of all you are, and fully embrace the union with your spouse, the idea of being 


ONE.

Knowledge = love

When we get married we become one flesh - but that one flesh always resides in two separate bodies. We retain our personalities, our unique wants, needs and hopes. It is within marriage that we should be able to express those without fear of being judged or condemned, even as we give ourselves fully to our spouse and love and serve them. That is the way God designed us; that we would be different, bringing our respective qualities together to work as a team. Over the course of a lifetime spent living, loving and working together, you get to know your spouse like no one else, has or even can. This knowledge doesn’t happen all at once; we are complex beings, with countless layers and nuances. Marriage is for life in the eyes of God precisely because it takes that long to truly “know” that other person. That is the height of intimacy, that complete knowing of another’s soul. There is an old saying that “love” happens between two people who don’t know each other, but “true love” happens when two people know each other completely. There are no secrets, and that increases love, not diminishes it. This relationship between knowledge and love is illustrated by the psalmist in Psalm 91:14-15

Because he hath set his love upon me, therefore will I deliver him: I will set him on high, because he hath known my name. He shall call upon me, and I will answer him: I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him, and honour him.

Does your marriage reflect that picture? Does your knowledge of each other foster that level of devotion?

In marriage we must draw a line between intimacy - which we all desire, and which should be the goal of a healthy, ever-developing relationship - and dependency, which is sure to kill intimacy. When a person is dependant on another for validation, they edit their behavior, limit what they say, what they disclose to their partner. Always wondering how their actions will resonate they become more and more subject to the whims of other people, wondering what other people will think, how they will react. This stifles true self-expression, and over time one can lose their sense of self. Your value comes from God, from his love for you. He made you, “fearfully and wonderfully.” Knowing that, no one should need or seek the approval of other people. As it says in Jude 1:21

Keep yourself in God’s love as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus

God made you the way He did for a reason, and you should revel in that. There is no reason to hide who you are from your spouse; indeed, a strong sense of self is critical to be in a true loving relationship. We need to be able to express ourselves openly and honestly. Within the context of marriage, we should be able to be completely vulnerable and transparent. Our needs can’t be addressed by our spouses if they don’t know what they are! That said, this is often easier said than put into practice. As stated above, that is why we have a lifetime with our spouses to learn and grow, to mature and build the deep, abiding trust necessary to open ourselves completely - and welcome that openness in our partners.

On Sin

What is the nature of sin? This might seem an odd start to a marriage moment article, but bear with me.

Let’s start with relationships, because the Bible is, at the core of every story, about relationships; between people and God, and between people and other people. Relationships are never static. They are either growing and getting better, or are regressing and getting worse. Stagnation is not a healthy state for a relationship, so I consider that in the latter category of getting worse.

Our relationship with God is no different. We are either growing in this relationship and getting closer to God, or we are getting farther away from Him. It is interesting in regard to sin to consider a word often used in conjunction: repentance. We are called to repent from sin. This is often taken to mean to ask forgiveness, but looking at the Greek word we translate as repent, it means at its root “to turn around.” Constantly doing things and asking forgiveness is not repenting. Turning towards God, and consciously walking towards Him is. If repenting then, is turning around, turning to God, sin could be taken to mean turning from God.

Let’s take this one step farther. If God is love (1 John 4:8) then sin is nothing more than choosing not to love. Whether it be your self, a family member, a spouse, a neighbor, a complete stranger or even the world God has given us to live in, if we choose not to love, we sin. When we regret that, and choose to love instead, that is the very heart of repentance.

Now, apply that thought to your marriage. How often do you choose not to love? If you consider your choice not to love your spouse as “sin” would that change how you interact with your spouse? And not just the big things. I’m not just talking about hitting, or infidelity or lying. What if every snide comment, every sarcastic response, every cold shoulder, every angry shout were all seen as the sin they are... as choosing not to love?

Sometimes it is hard to love. As imperfect beings all of us on occasion choose not to, and then become unlovable ourselves - by human standards. Yet God loved us while we were yet sinners (Romans 5:8) and sent Christ to die for us, cleanse us and redeem us. In so doing he set the example, and provided the motivation to act as he did, to love as He loved. We do not love to get a reward; it is not our actions by which we are saved. We are to love as a joyous response to what has already been done for us. Choosing to love when it is not deserved brings us closer to God, and can also drastically improve our earthly relationships as well. Next time your toes get stepped on, your feelings get hurt or your heart gets broken, choose to love. Turn, and move towards God, and see if you don’t pull your whole marriage in the same direction.

Spring "Cleaning"

This will come as no surprise to anybody, but marriage is work. It's hard, it's never ending, but when the work is done, the time invested it is of inestimable worth. It also is probably not a surprise, but the articles I write contain no information that is actually new. I research the topic of marriage all the time, through interviews and radio broadcasts, movies, online articles and books. I take the ideas that really resonate with me, in terms of things I see, people I know, and things that are going on in my own life, and I write about them. I try and give a Biblical perspective or grounding of the idea if it has none, but none of it makes a difference unless some married couple out there reads what I write - and decides to get to work!

To that end, I challenge all you married couples - make a commitment to work together on your relationship this month. Watch a movie together, and discuss it afterward. Or read a marriage book together, and discuss each chapter, like a devotional. Here are some suggestions:

Books

The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman

Sheet Music by Kevin Lehman

The Kosher Sutra (nope. not even kidding) by Shmuley Boteach

Sex God by Rob Bell

Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch

You don't have to take my suggestions; go to a bookstore - make a date of it! - and browse the "Love and Relationships" section and choose one together. feeling adventurous? Browse the "Sexuality" shelves...

Movies

With movies there is fodder for a good couples' discussion everywhere. From obvious places like Fireproof, and Not Easily Broken, and even in "kids" films like Up, and The Incredibles. The key, of course is TO TALK. Let whatever you do together be a jumping off point for a discussion about your marriage. Be open and honest with each other. Listen intently, without judgement or defense.

When you start, reassure each other that anything that is said is because you want to make your union stronger, your love for each other deeper, and resolve to make it so.