Devotion

It says in Proverbs 5:18-19:

Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer, may her breasts satisfy you always, may you be intoxicated always with her love.

Every marriage eventually reaches the disillusionment stage, when reality sets in. Expectations are not met, hopes are unfulfilled. It is easier at this stage to believe that what we don’t have must be better than what we do; but the grass is not greener. It is a trick of the eye - or more to the point a trick of the heart and mind. It plays upon that aspect of human nature that always wants what it doesn’t – or can’t – have. Humans tend to be lazy, to not want to do the work required to transform what we have into what we want; especially if that involves changing ourselves.

When we took our vows though, we said some variation of “Until death do us part.” If we meant what we said, then we must remain devoted to our spouse, committed to making the marriage we have work – for both people! When our devotion wanes, when we start to believe the lie that it is better “out there,” we stop enjoying our life. That runs counter to what Solomon writes in Ecclesiastes 9:9.

Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your life that are given you under the sun.

I've heard it said that "women marry men thinking the men will change – and they don’t - while men marry women thinking the women won’t change – and they do." It is important for everyone to accept their spouse for who they are, and not pine for who they were, or yearn for who they could be. Love your spouse for who they are each minute - for all their virtues sure, but also with all their quirks and flaws. In Mark Twain’s “Diaries of Adam and Eve” both protagonists come to this conclusion in their own way.

Eve writes “The garden is lost, but I have found him, and am content.” She then goes on for pages trying to figure out why she loves Adam, listing many of his qualities and stating that she admires him and is proud of him for these - but they are not why she loves him. She states finally, “I think I love him because he is masculine, and he is mine.” He is Adam, and for her that is enough.

Adam, being a guy, comes to his epiphany in far fewer words. At her grave he remarks, “Wheresoever she was, there was Eden.”

If you have drifted, take the time to once again DEVOTE yourself to your spouse. Recognize that God put the two of you together for a reason, and do everything in your power to make the best of what you’ve been given. Do it well, and the grass on the “other side of the fence” will look far less green.

Service

Marriage vows are a covenant between two people before God, but some people see it more like a contract. The differences seem minor but in reality are enormous – in fact, a contract and a covenant can be seen as diametrically opposed.
> In a contract, each party seeks to protect his or her rights while at the same time limiting their liability. A contract then, is at its root self-serving. I think of celebrity unions with elaborate pre-nuptial agreements to protect assets; not exactly a picture of love expected to last forever.
> In a covenant however, one voluntarily forfeits his or her rights while taking on liability. In the context of marriage, that means each spouse is vowing that the other person will always – unconditionally - come first in their hearts, minds and actions.

Think of God in his covenant with us. Did he demand our love and worship? Did he worry about whether or not he would get his due? Did he wait for us to love him before loving us? No. Romans 5:8 tells us

While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Now think of marriages. How many end in divorce because of selfishness? How many break up because one party or the other is worried about their rights, or the treatment they deserve? How many married couples “fall out of love” or “drift apart” or “become different people” from when they first met, and so they go their separate ways? If both spouses are focused on God and on serving one other, there can never be “irreconcilable differences” that cause the union to be broken. When the focus of both partners is right, then as it says in 1 Corinthians 13:8

Love never fails.

Still, some may feel that they have been given up on, and even though they want to work to make their marriage work their spouse does not. Do not be discouraged! Only God can change their heart, but you can still love them. In 1 Peter 3:1-2 the apostle tells us

…that even if some of them do not obey the word, they may be won over by their spouse’s conduct, when they see the purity and reverence in their lives.

Relationships are never static. They are always in motion, going forward or backward, getting better or worse. If a marriage is in a downward spiral, one act of unconditional love might be all that it takes to reverse that trend and get things moving in a healthier direction. The challenge then is to intentionally, deliberately let go of whatever you think is “owed” you, and just give. If your spouse is having a bad day (week or month) drop whatever you are doing and give your whole-hearted support. Comfort and love them. Let them know you have their back; always, come what may. If your spouse is not loving you in the ways you need to be loved (everyone - read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman) instead of harping or nagging, instead of fuming and seething and resenting, just love them in the way they need to be loved; see if that changes things for the better.