Self Giving

Society makes too big a deal about sex - and too little. The world holds it up as something to strive for - it is a major focus in all media, from music, shows and movies, to literature and advertising. Simultaneously though, sex is seen as casual, as recreational, as “no big deal.” Christians make the same mistake from the opposite direction. Purity culture portrays it as the biggest deal before marriage. Our youth are told about all the pitfalls and negative consequences, how it will ruin their lives if they don’t wait until they are married. But the true nature of the gift of sex that God has given us is rarely - if ever - discussed. The church has long abdicated its responsibility to teach on this subject. As Kevin Lehman said in his Making the Most of Marriage study “If anyone should be talking about how great sex is - it’s the church!” Even among Christian marriage authors and counsellors, the message is often reduced to it being a man’s need, a wife’s responsibility. The “don’t deny one another” command from 1 Corinthians 7:5 is pulled out of context and set in this husband/ wife dichotomy that misses so much of the point. Even in this context it is seen as “just sex.” God designed it to be so much more though, and so few ever fully realize its potential.

In a recent podcast, Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife (Ph.D in Counseling Psychology, a relationship and sexuality educator and coach, and Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor) broke down how she sees sex in three stages that manifest based on the maturity of the participants and the seriousness of the relationship. In summary:

Stage 1 sex is self referential. It’s about getting what you want, and it focuses almost solely on one’s own physical pleasure.

Stage 2 sex at least begins to acknowledge the “it takes two” couple dynamic and nature of the relationship, but it remains transactional; “I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine.” It is not very deep at this stage, not collaborative.

Stage 3 sex though, is. Sex at this stage takes nothing for granted and is collaborative - and communicative. It becomes no longer about taking, about one’s own pleasure but about giving. It becomes about communication of love, of value, of cherishing.

People capable of stage 3 sex are much more at peace with themselves, and no longer have anything to prove. They are free therefore to truly love through their sexuality. They are free to be fully known, and to know. There is a reason that sex in the bible (at least in the King James version) is stated in exactly these terms. 

Now Adam knew Eve, his wife. And she conceived, and bore Cain. (Gen  4:1)

And Elkanah knew Hannah his wife, and the Lord remembered her. So it came to pass in the process of time that Hannah conceived and bore a son, and called his name Samuel. (1 Sam 1:19-20)

On twitter, Pastor Tim Keller recently posted a powerful thread discussing sex in the context of marriage and why this world pushes back so hard against God’s design for it. Though he didn’t mention the three stages, the implications were very clear. He stated: “We believe sex was not created just for pleasure but for mutual self-giving toward a deep, permanent union that creates character and new human life. We believe sex was created for persons to say non-verbally but powerfully to one another: “I belong completely and exclusively to you.” It must not be used to say anything less than that or you are not respecting sex’s power, depth, and force.” All those statements could very well be describing Finlayson-Fife’s ‘stage 3’ definitions. Regarding the world’s view Keller wrote: “In sex outside of marriage, we maintain our independence and fail to give our whole selves to the other person… and very often one or both gets exploited.” That is completely Stage 1.

How are you loving your spouse? Is your goal to communicate the depth of your love? To wordlessly show how much you cherish them? To be vulnerable and open and truly share your heart? These goals are not easy; they do not come naturally to our finite, fallible souls. They should be our goals though. We should commit to working towards them. At the end of his twitter thread, Tim Keller warned about the dangers of doing otherwise:

“If you cultivate sex for self-affirmation instead of self-giving, you diminish sex’s power to function as a commitment apparatus and covenant renewal agent within marriage. You harden or dehumanize yourself.”

Think instead on Proverbs 11:24

Some give freely, yet grow all the richer; others withhold what is due, and only suffer want.

That verse was (probably) not written about sex, but think about how beautiful it is when taken in the context. The implied meaning is that the best way to get what you want out of physical intimacy is to not worry about it, but put forth all your effort to give your spouse what they want. That means seeking to learn about them, their wants and needs and fears and concerns - seek to KNOW them as deeply as you can, and then act on that knowledge, giving of your self to communicate the depth of your love.