The Four Horsemen II: Defensiveness

Drs. John and Julie Gottman are psychologists and therapists who have focused on the study of marriage for over four decades. John Gottman with a partner has studied thousands of couples and is famous for being able to predict with over 90%  certainty what a couple’s happiness level will be in three years AND whether or not a couple will divorce - after an interview lasting only a hour. Even after 15 minutes their prediction success rate was over 80%, and after 3 minutes they were still in the 70% range. They have broken down and analyzed their findings and have come up with four communication styles that they call “the four horsemen” because they can usher in a relationship apocalypse. They are: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt.

Defensiveness

The next horseman often occurs as a reactions to Criticism, the first horseman. It is our instinct to defend ourselves... It can happen when the dialogue takes on the form of an attack, but also when we simply perceive it as such, when someone else’s point of view challenges our own. In either case, instead of a discussion we now have an argument. Both parties stop listening to hear, and listen only as much as they think they need to counter. If the actual problem is represented by a tennis ball, spouses become the players furiously swinging their rackets, each attempting to “win.” If one side “wins” though, the relationship itself, and thus both sides tend to lose.

Defensiveness can take on different forms. One manifestation is justifying the behavior that is being criticized, or that we feel is under attack. These can be knee-jerk reactions seeking to deflect blame. These can be as  simple as “I forgot” or “I was busy.” The defensive person can also construct long winded rationalizations. These often start with what seems to be acceptance of wrong doing, but that is then followed by a “but” that seeks to excuse what has occurred. “I know I’ve been a jerk lately, but I’ve been under so much stress at work.”  Another form defensiveness takes is seeking to shift blame onto the attacking party. “No I didn’t RSVP to that event; I had to pick up the kids and go to the store. You knew I’d be busy, why didn’t you do it?” “I know I snapped at you, but with all I’m going through at work, you should have know I’d have a short fuse… why did you even try and talk to me?”

In all forms of defensiveness, what the defender is trying to do is not take responsibility for whatever the behavior is that is being criticized. We must seek to understand our spouse’s point of view, regardless of whether or not we agree with it. We must listen to hear, and not just listen to respond. We must take responsibility for our part in whatever is going on. 1 Corinthians 13 tells us that “love holds no record of wrongs” but it also says “Love does not seek its own way.” Perhaps more importantly, love “always protects, always hopes, and always trusts.” No matter how heated a discussion gets, seek first to protect the relationship with your words and how you respond. Trust that your partner is just seeking to overcome a misunderstanding, or that they have a valid issue they are bringing up. Above all hold on to hope that both parties want to work toward

The Four Horsemen I: Criticism

Drs. John and Julie Gottman are psychologists and therapists who have focused on the study of marriage for over four decades. John Gottman with a partner has studied thousands of couples and is famous for being able to predict with over 90%  certainty what a couple’s happiness level will be in three years AND whether or not a couple will divorce - after an interview lasting only a hour. Even after 15 minutes their prediction success rate was over 80%, and after 3 minutes they were still in the 70% range. They have broken down and analyzed their findings and have come up with four communication styles that they call “the four horsemen” because they can usher in a relationship apocalypse. They are: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt.

Criticism

The first “horseman” is criticism. It appears first on the list because it is probably the most common. It is important to realize first what is is NOT. Criticism is not merely voicing a complaint, or offering a critique that is meant to be constructive. Both of those deal with a specific action, behavior or scenario. Criticism is an attack on the the character of the target. Criticism is often marked by words like “always” or “never” and invariably uses the word “you.” “You’re always late!” “You never help around the house!” and “You never listen to what I’m saying!” are all examples of criticism. Always and never imply a character trait that is consistent and negative, a character flaw, that is at the heart of whatever behavior or actions are actually the issue. The problem with this type of attack is the the target will almost always feel forced into a defensive posture, and this severely limits the dialogue as far as achieving real results. Once the dynamic is reduced to attack and defend, the actual issue gets lost and it becomes an argument rather than a discussion or conversation. Change will almost never occur as a result of an argument.

The Gottmans do not simply call out and label this behavior, they offer antidotes for all the four horsemen. Instead of criticizing, they say, express a need. Vulnerability goes a long way where criticism often leads to antagonism and fights. Before you speak , ask yourself: What actions or behaviors are bothering me? What emotions are they making me feel? What do I need from my partner? They use the term “gentle start up” as a way to bring up issues in a way that fosters openness and dialogue that leads to solving problems or correcting issues. Consider the following: Instead of “You’re always late!” say “When we’re late to something I feel embarrassed. It’s important to me to arrive to events on time. Could we work to make that happen?” Instead of “You never help around the house!” try “I am feeling really overwhelmed keeping the house running. I could really use some more help to keep things under control.” Instead of “You never listen to what I’m saying” go with “It hurts when I don’t feel heard or understood. I need to vent sometimes, and all I need you to do is listen.”

As in most things, the Bible also has something to say and it lines up neatly with the Gottman’s observations and recommendations. Proverbs 15:1 says:

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Think before you speak, and frame the conversation in terms of what you feel and what you need. It never comes across as an attack that way, and the other person is much less likely to react defensively. The conversation has a greater chance to be constructive, and change is much more likely to occur.