Married (With Children) - Part II

The way you live your life has more impact on your children than you will ever know, more than anything you will tell them. Your presence in their lives as an example is critical. Your absence can be equally impactful; if you are not there to teach them, schools, the media, and their peers will fill the void. Children are naturally curious; they have questions. If you are not an integral part of your children’s lives, they will get their answers elsewhere. Since they will not always vocalize their questions (ask my parents about THAT?? ewww!) you need to be proactive. Proverbs 14:26 says: In the fear of the LORD there is strong confidence, And his children will have refuge. 

The example you set can be a refuge for your children. Of course, it’s easiest to be a positive example to your kids when you spend time with them. You need to include them in the things you do so they can see how you interact with your spouse and with others, see how you treat people and handle situations. They need to see that the way you act does not contradict the things they learn in church and Sunday school. Study the Bible, behave in a way that embodies God’s designs, seek his will for your life - and then talk to your kids. Tell them why you treat people the way you do, why you live the way you live. Explain to them - scripturally - why you act this way and do things like putting your spouse’s needs before your own, giving to charity, volunteering your time for worthy causes and treating the people you meet day in and day out with love and respect.

It’s also vital for you to give them some of your time. Dinners together are crucial, and family game- or movie nights and playing with them let them know that they are a valued part of the family. These are the times when you can talk to them; Involve them in family decisions, ask questions, engage them. Plus, If you are freely giving them attention they won’t have to act out to get it. Think hard about that.

Regarding Abraham in Genesis 18:19, God says:

For I have chosen him, so that he may command his children and his household after him to keep the way of the LORD by doing righteousness and justice, so that the LORD may bring upon Abraham what He has spoken about him.

How can you “command your children in the way of the Lord” if you are never with them? How can God bring about his plans and fulfil his promises if you aren’t leading them in the way they should go? The society we live in makes time our most valuable resource - and the most misused and squandered one. Time is often spent due to forces that seem beyond us. Military parents are deployed around the world, business trips take people away from their families, but we always have a choice. That said, when quantity is an issue, strive for quality; seek God’s guidance in how you spend your time. Invest yourself heavily in your family and especially in the lives of your children, knowing that few things - if any - matter more.

Married (With Children) - Part I

In one of the hand-made cards that I give my wife for our anniversary, for each year I wrote “I love you because...” or “I love you so...” and then gave a reason that was tied to that time in our relationship. Two examples:

* In the year our son was born, I wrote “I love you so our son will know how women are to be treated - always.”
* In the year our daughter was born I wrote “I love you so our daughter will know what to not settle for less than.”

If there are kids in your marriage, don’t ever forget that you are modeling what relationships are supposed to be to those kids. Are you modeling God’s design, or not? Wives, are you respecting your husbands? Husbands, are you loving your wife like Christ loved the church, giving yourself up for her? Putting her needs before your own? Parents are implored in Proverbs 22:6:

Train up a child in the way he should go, and even when he is old he will not depart from it.

It’s a given when raising kids that your actions are infinitely more influential on them then anything you will ever say - and if they see that what you say contradicts how you act, the message is instantly discarded or lost. This is a big responsibility; God chose you to raise and teach the kids in your care. Instead of seeing this as daunting though, look at it as an opportunity. It’s an chance to view your relationship objectively, and consider what message you’re sending.

I read somewhere that “the best gift you can give your children is to love your spouse.” Why is that? Because you and your spouse are the first couple your children see. In your home is where your children will develop their expectations, hopes and dreams for their own relationships long before they ever consciously think about it. What do you want for them when they start dating, or looking for a spouse? What kind of husband do you want for your daughter? What kind of woman do you want your son to marry? It is your responsibility as their parents to model those qualities and traits.

The Bible has plenty to say on what God wants our marriages to be. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 lists the characteristics of love. Paul speaks to the duties of husbands and wives in Ephesians 5:22-31. The Song of Solomon is a masterful love poem illustrating how two people build a relationship that can last as long as both shall live. Are your behavior, your actions, and the way you are handling conflict teaching your children God’s design for marriage? Study God’s word; learn what it is He wants for you and your spouse. Strive to build a Godly union for your own benefit, for that is how to live out His plans for you. As it says in Jeremiah 29:11 those plans:

...are for your welfare, not evil, to give you a future and a hope.

The bonus is that as your marriage gets better, your kids will notice. It will help shape their beliefs as to what a relationship should be. Once they notice, then talk to them. Teach them the scriptural foundations that you are basing your marriage on. The lesson will mean infinitely more when they can see the results - loving parents and a happy home!

December Doldrums

Ruts: we all fall into them. Very subtly, routine becomes ingrained and you start doing things because, well, that’s what you do. You forget why, or how it started, you just do it... mindlessly. The longer the pattern holds, the harder it becomes to change. Some repeated behaviors are positive. A routine can be a good thing if it removes decisions that cause undue stress, if it stops conflicts before they start. There is a dark side to routine though.

It becomes hard to change even when the change is for the better. Look at your relationship: look specifically at activities and behaviors that are always the same and ask whether or not they are having a positive or negative impact on your marriage. It’s been said that the definition of insanity is to do the same things over and over and expect different results. If your marriage is not all you and your spouse want or need it to be, then maybe doing things differently is in order.

In weightlifting, if one does the same exercise all the time it becomes less and less effective. As the body gets used to the motion, it becomes more efficient at it and the muscle building gains of that exercise diminish. This is called a plateau. To get passed a plateau, you have to do something different; catch your muscles off guard by making them do something they aren’t expecting.

Marriage relationships are no different. If you are in a rut, then your love is not growing to its full potential - time to shake it up a little bit, abandon the routine. New activities done together are great ways to spark conversations, find out things you didn’t know about each other. Abandon comfortable activities and behaviors that have become stale and replace them with ones that provide opportunities to talk. If necessary, turn off the TV. Turn off the computer and mute the phones. Get to know that person you decided to spend the rest of your life with all over again. Consider Paul's words in 1 Corinthians 10:23:

All things are lawful, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful, but not all things edify.

There isn't necessarily anything wrong with a lot of things that you and your spouse are doing, the routines you've settled into. Ask yourself though, are they EDIFYING? Are these things helping your love to grow, your relationship to strengthen? Change things up so that they are.
I was going to make this a New Year’s resolution challenge... but why wait? Do it NOW!

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How do you talk about your spouse? When they are with you, is your tone positive or negative? What about when they are not around - while you’re at work or out with friends, how do you speak about your marriage then? When things are not the greatest between you, do you still praise your spouse publicly? Praising each other is critical to the success of your marriage.

If you are not speaking well of your spouse, examine your motives. Are you addressing issues and trying to resolve them? Unless you are speaking directly to your spouse or with a counsellor, airing your problems is unlikely to solve anything. Are you just seeking allies - people who will agree with you and commiserate? Not only is this unlikely to help, it will almost surely make things worse. People agreeing with your negativity will reinforce it in your mind. When they start airing their problems too, it can make all marriage seem hopeless. It won’t make you feel good about yourself either... didn’t you choose the person you married? Speaking bad about your spouse is also denigrating yourself.

In Luke 6:45 Jesus says:
The good man, out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart.

You can actively turn this verse upside down. When you choose to speak positively about your spouse, you can refill your heart with “good treasure” that will bless your marriage. Whatever you say, speaking it aloud - especially to someone else - reinforces it in your head; you become more and more convinced of your own conclusions. Thus, when you’re speaking ill, you reinforce that. Luckily though, it works both ways. When you are making a conscious effort to focus on the positives it’s a way to intentionally remember why you married that person in the first place, a way to count your blessings and revel in what is good about your marriage.

When your spouse is in the room, keep praising! Speaking bad about each other in public - even under the guise of joking - is a sure way to make those around you uncomfortable, as they try to decipher tone and body language cues to tell if you are being serious or not. When your spouse hears you praising them to others they are affirmed. It will make it easy for them to continue with the behavior you are praising, and even to go beyond. Think of it as investing in your marriage; your effort will not go unnoticed - by your spouse or by God. in Matthew 12:36-37 Jesus says:

For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned.

What kind of words are you using? Be intentional when you speak, and use words to build up your spouse and your marriage.

Respond

I hate when people don’t respond. Whether it be to a voice mail or an email, whether they don’t RSVP to a party invitation or a Facebook message, I feel that if they cared at all, they’d at least acknowledge that they received the message. I’d even be OK with them lying and telling me they’d say more later even if they never did, or didn't even plan to. At least I’d know the message I sent was received. No one likes to feel they are being ignored.

In marriage, do you feel that your messages to your spouse are not being received? Do you feel you’ve made the same requests or comments multiple times and have gotten no response; not even an acknowledgement? Sometimes all we want is for our spouse to acknowledge our feelings, validate our needs and desires. Of course there are two sides to this coin, two sets of feelings, needs and desires. Is your spouse sending messages that you are not receiving? Is he or she expressing feelings that you are not acknowledging? I am not saying you need to drop everything and immediately meet their every need. They need to know that they are heard though, just as God hears all of our prayers - even if the answers to them aren’t always to our liking. Open your heart and mind and talk to your spouse; knowing each other’s desires is the first stop towards fulfilling them.

There is another aspect to this as well: how are you delivering your messages? With what attitude are you voicing your wants and needs? There are many Proverbs that deal with the tongue, and the consequences of how it used. Proverbs 12:18 says The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing and in Proverbs 18:21 The tongue has the power of life and death. In Ephesians 4:29 we are implored Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.

So consider your words carefully. Is what you are saying “ministering grace” to who you’re speaking to? Are your words coming across as a demand instead of a request? Instead of “I would feel loved if...” is your spouse hearing “You never...” ? Be sure that you are speaking from a place of love and mutual respect, and that you are giving equal weight to your spouse’s wants and needs when making requests. Lastly, 1 Corinthians 13:5 - Love does not demand its own way. No ultimatums; always give your partner an ‘out,’ because no one likes to feel forced, pressured or trapped.

it always FEELS like, somebody's WATCHIN MEEEeee

A successful marriage needs a healthy measure of privacy. Problems need to be discussed between spouses to achieve resolution, not shared with co-workers or even best friends. A couple’s sex life should of course be completely private. It’s probably not a coincidence that almost every couple that stars on a reality TV show winds up split, usually nastily so: Jessica and Nick, John and Kate, all the so-called unions resulting from the endless iterations of bachelor and bachelorette, and VH1’s various “Fill-in-the-blank of Love” shows... Maybe this is also one of the reasons why Hollywood marriages rarely work - too much time spent in the public eye.

 
It is naivé however to think that marriage is a completely private affair. People are watching when you leave your house. If you publicly call yourself “Christian” then they are watching more intently. Critics of the church love to point to religious folks who stumble and say “See? They’re no better than the rest of us,” in essence declaring “God makes no difference.” In a society that is saying that marriage is an outdated institution, quaint at best and pointless at worst, it is our job as Christians to be an advertisement for God’s ideas of what it is supposed to be.

 
Jesus’ first miracle was performed at a wedding. There are constant metaphorical references to Christ as the bridegroom with the church as his bride. Wedding imagery is used extensively in Revelations to describe the reconciling of God to his creation. Marriage is meant to be a glimpse of God’s plan for the salvation of us all. Done right, it can be a ray of hope in a fallen world that God loves us, and wants us to be in relationship with him forever. I make this point not to put pressure on those of us who struggle - none of us is perfect, and we all have our problems. I make this point to remind us that we are part of something much bigger than us, and our marriages are not just for our benefit. They can be an inspiration to others, whom we may not even realize are watching.

 
Listen to comedians, watch a sit com... the media says that marriage is a chore, a dead end, spiritually numbing and usually doomed to failure. Does your marriage reinforce that worldview - or refute it? The Bible is the template of what God wants for all marriages. Deuteronomy 24:5 says that men should “be at home to bring happiness to the wife he married.” Guys, are you doing that? Proverbs 14:1 says “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.” Ladies, are your efforts constructive or destructive?

 
A friend of mine said this: “Your walk must be so loud that people can’t hear what you are saying.” Louder then words, your actions are what other people notice - so what message is your marriage sending? The Bishop of London gave a homily on marriage recently. In it he said “The more we give of self, the richer we become in soul; the more we go beyond ourselves in love, the more we become our true selves... In marriage we are seeking to bring one another into fuller life.” To truly become one flesh (Matthew 19:6) each spouse must die to themselves and put the other first in their hearts in order for the union to flourish and be what God desires. The joy this type of marriage exudes is noticeable, inspirational and hopefully contagious. Is your marriage sending God’s message to those around you? If not, then what do you need to change, to do differently? As Christians, how we live our lives can - and should - be our loudest testimony to the value of having God at the center of all we do.

Solomon's Mine

Forget gold... Solomon's real treasure was wisdom.

Song of Solomon 2:15 -
Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes
that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom.

I’ll aim this verse at the men. What are the little foxes that are ruining your vineyard? They are any thing that is getting in the way of your marriage being what you and your wife want and need it to be. Are you working long hours and depriving your wife and kids of your presence? That could be causing resentment and leaving your wife questioning your commitment to the family. As men we tend to define ourselves by our jobs, and it is all too easy to put work before our loved ones. We may think its necessary for financial reasons or to stay on the career path we desire, but this is a dangerous train of thought with potentially catastrophic results. Our ‘jobs’ as husband and father must come first. If you aren’t there, is your wife swamped with her own work responsibilities plus the housework, leaving her wanting to do nothing but pass out by the time night rolls around? Does the pressure of dealing with kids lead her to shout “They’re yours!” as soon as you walk in the door at the end of the work day? Do all these things leave you both yearning for days seemingly long gone when your focus was on each other, when you sought to meet each other’s needs and fulfill each other’s hopes and dreams of what a marriage was supposed to be?

If so, what can you do to make your wife’s life easier? If you are unsure, I’ll bet your wife would give you some  suggestions. Could you arrange flex-time hours at work that would allow you to be at home more often, where you could be more involved in the kids’ lives and their schedules? Could you pitch in more around the house? Could your wife come home once in a while and not have any domestic chore demanding her attention? Its no coincidence that Kevin Lehman has a book called Sex Begins in the Kitchen, and that Laura Schlessinger once said on her radio program that “the sound of my husband running the vacuum cleaner counts as foreplay.” Think about it. Do not, however, expect a quid pro quo exchange of needs-meeting. Make it a habit to help without expecting anything, and in time the very nature of the relationship will change for the better.

And now, a verse for the ladies, Song of Solomon 7:13 -
...and at our door is every delicacy, both new and old,
  that I have stored up for you, my beloved.

That’s Solomon’s wife speaking, talking about a trip out of the city to a secluded hideaway, just the two of them. “Every delicacy, both new and old...” What she’s essentially saying is “Come bedtime, I’ve got tricks you haven’t seen yet.” Not ‘some delicacies’ she says, but *every* delicacy. Choice fruits, she says elsewhere in the Song of Songs. Being the initiator might not be in your comfort zone, but rejoice in the fact that “naughty” in the context of a loving, devoted marriage is in fact blessed and holy.

So surprise him. Let your husband know that he’s worth your effort. Let him know that you’ve listened when he’s talked about his needs, dreams, wants and desires. If he hasn’t talked to you about them - ask! Initiate the conversation. Most likely he desperately wants to have these talks but may worry about starting them; there’s a vulnerability in discussing desires, in the bedroom and otherwise. You opening that door will be a blessing, as will you acting on the knowledge gained. A man who feels his needs are a priority to you will do just about anything to make sure yours are met as well.

Paul said in 1 Corinthians 7:5 that both spouses should fulfill each other’s needs, and not deprive each other. You won’t know how to do that without talking about what those needs are. Both spouses need to put forth the effort to create an environment where the other truly wants to follow Paul’s direction, where it is not considered a duty or a chore to meet your spouse’s needs, but a privilege and a gift.