December Doldrums

Ruts: we all fall into them. Very subtly, routine becomes ingrained and you start doing things because, well, that’s what you do. You forget why, or how it started, you just do it... mindlessly. The longer the pattern holds, the harder it becomes to change. Some repeated behaviors are positive. A routine can be a good thing if it removes decisions that cause undue stress, if it stops conflicts before they start. There is a dark side to routine though.

It becomes hard to change even when the change is for the better. Look at your relationship: look specifically at activities and behaviors that are always the same and ask whether or not they are having a positive or negative impact on your marriage. It’s been said that the definition of insanity is to do the same things over and over and expect different results. If your marriage is not all you and your spouse want or need it to be, then maybe doing things differently is in order.

In weightlifting, if one does the same exercise all the time it becomes less and less effective. As the body gets used to the motion, it becomes more efficient at it and the muscle building gains of that exercise diminish. This is called a plateau. To get passed a plateau, you have to do something different; catch your muscles off guard by making them do something they aren’t expecting.

Marriage relationships are no different. If you are in a rut, then your love is not growing to its full potential - time to shake it up a little bit, abandon the routine. New activities done together are great ways to spark conversations, find out things you didn’t know about each other. Abandon comfortable activities and behaviors that have become stale and replace them with ones that provide opportunities to talk. If necessary, turn off the TV. Turn off the computer and mute the phones. Get to know that person you decided to spend the rest of your life with all over again. Consider Paul's words in 1 Corinthians 10:23:

All things are lawful, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful, but not all things edify.

There isn't necessarily anything wrong with a lot of things that you and your spouse are doing, the routines you've settled into. Ask yourself though, are they EDIFYING? Are these things helping your love to grow, your relationship to strengthen? Change things up so that they are.
I was going to make this a New Year’s resolution challenge... but why wait? Do it NOW!

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How do you talk about your spouse? When they are with you, is your tone positive or negative? What about when they are not around - while you’re at work or out with friends, how do you speak about your marriage then? When things are not the greatest between you, do you still praise your spouse publicly? Praising each other is critical to the success of your marriage.

If you are not speaking well of your spouse, examine your motives. Are you addressing issues and trying to resolve them? Unless you are speaking directly to your spouse or with a counsellor, airing your problems is unlikely to solve anything. Are you just seeking allies - people who will agree with you and commiserate? Not only is this unlikely to help, it will almost surely make things worse. People agreeing with your negativity will reinforce it in your mind. When they start airing their problems too, it can make all marriage seem hopeless. It won’t make you feel good about yourself either... didn’t you choose the person you married? Speaking bad about your spouse is also denigrating yourself.

In Luke 6:45 Jesus says:
The good man, out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good; and the evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart.

You can actively turn this verse upside down. When you choose to speak positively about your spouse, you can refill your heart with “good treasure” that will bless your marriage. Whatever you say, speaking it aloud - especially to someone else - reinforces it in your head; you become more and more convinced of your own conclusions. Thus, when you’re speaking ill, you reinforce that. Luckily though, it works both ways. When you are making a conscious effort to focus on the positives it’s a way to intentionally remember why you married that person in the first place, a way to count your blessings and revel in what is good about your marriage.

When your spouse is in the room, keep praising! Speaking bad about each other in public - even under the guise of joking - is a sure way to make those around you uncomfortable, as they try to decipher tone and body language cues to tell if you are being serious or not. When your spouse hears you praising them to others they are affirmed. It will make it easy for them to continue with the behavior you are praising, and even to go beyond. Think of it as investing in your marriage; your effort will not go unnoticed - by your spouse or by God. in Matthew 12:36-37 Jesus says:

For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned.

What kind of words are you using? Be intentional when you speak, and use words to build up your spouse and your marriage.

Respond

I hate when people don’t respond. Whether it be to a voice mail or an email, whether they don’t RSVP to a party invitation or a Facebook message, I feel that if they cared at all, they’d at least acknowledge that they received the message. I’d even be OK with them lying and telling me they’d say more later even if they never did, or didn't even plan to. At least I’d know the message I sent was received. No one likes to feel they are being ignored.

In marriage, do you feel that your messages to your spouse are not being received? Do you feel you’ve made the same requests or comments multiple times and have gotten no response; not even an acknowledgement? Sometimes all we want is for our spouse to acknowledge our feelings, validate our needs and desires. Of course there are two sides to this coin, two sets of feelings, needs and desires. Is your spouse sending messages that you are not receiving? Is he or she expressing feelings that you are not acknowledging? I am not saying you need to drop everything and immediately meet their every need. They need to know that they are heard though, just as God hears all of our prayers - even if the answers to them aren’t always to our liking. Open your heart and mind and talk to your spouse; knowing each other’s desires is the first stop towards fulfilling them.

There is another aspect to this as well: how are you delivering your messages? With what attitude are you voicing your wants and needs? There are many Proverbs that deal with the tongue, and the consequences of how it used. Proverbs 12:18 says The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing and in Proverbs 18:21 The tongue has the power of life and death. In Ephesians 4:29 we are implored Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.

So consider your words carefully. Is what you are saying “ministering grace” to who you’re speaking to? Are your words coming across as a demand instead of a request? Instead of “I would feel loved if...” is your spouse hearing “You never...” ? Be sure that you are speaking from a place of love and mutual respect, and that you are giving equal weight to your spouse’s wants and needs when making requests. Lastly, 1 Corinthians 13:5 - Love does not demand its own way. No ultimatums; always give your partner an ‘out,’ because no one likes to feel forced, pressured or trapped.

it always FEELS like, somebody's WATCHIN MEEEeee

A successful marriage needs a healthy measure of privacy. Problems need to be discussed between spouses to achieve resolution, not shared with co-workers or even best friends. A couple’s sex life should of course be completely private. It’s probably not a coincidence that almost every couple that stars on a reality TV show winds up split, usually nastily so: Jessica and Nick, John and Kate, all the so-called unions resulting from the endless iterations of bachelor and bachelorette, and VH1’s various “Fill-in-the-blank of Love” shows... Maybe this is also one of the reasons why Hollywood marriages rarely work - too much time spent in the public eye.

 
It is naivé however to think that marriage is a completely private affair. People are watching when you leave your house. If you publicly call yourself “Christian” then they are watching more intently. Critics of the church love to point to religious folks who stumble and say “See? They’re no better than the rest of us,” in essence declaring “God makes no difference.” In a society that is saying that marriage is an outdated institution, quaint at best and pointless at worst, it is our job as Christians to be an advertisement for God’s ideas of what it is supposed to be.

 
Jesus’ first miracle was performed at a wedding. There are constant metaphorical references to Christ as the bridegroom with the church as his bride. Wedding imagery is used extensively in Revelations to describe the reconciling of God to his creation. Marriage is meant to be a glimpse of God’s plan for the salvation of us all. Done right, it can be a ray of hope in a fallen world that God loves us, and wants us to be in relationship with him forever. I make this point not to put pressure on those of us who struggle - none of us is perfect, and we all have our problems. I make this point to remind us that we are part of something much bigger than us, and our marriages are not just for our benefit. They can be an inspiration to others, whom we may not even realize are watching.

 
Listen to comedians, watch a sit com... the media says that marriage is a chore, a dead end, spiritually numbing and usually doomed to failure. Does your marriage reinforce that worldview - or refute it? The Bible is the template of what God wants for all marriages. Deuteronomy 24:5 says that men should “be at home to bring happiness to the wife he married.” Guys, are you doing that? Proverbs 14:1 says “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.” Ladies, are your efforts constructive or destructive?

 
A friend of mine said this: “Your walk must be so loud that people can’t hear what you are saying.” Louder then words, your actions are what other people notice - so what message is your marriage sending? The Bishop of London gave a homily on marriage recently. In it he said “The more we give of self, the richer we become in soul; the more we go beyond ourselves in love, the more we become our true selves... In marriage we are seeking to bring one another into fuller life.” To truly become one flesh (Matthew 19:6) each spouse must die to themselves and put the other first in their hearts in order for the union to flourish and be what God desires. The joy this type of marriage exudes is noticeable, inspirational and hopefully contagious. Is your marriage sending God’s message to those around you? If not, then what do you need to change, to do differently? As Christians, how we live our lives can - and should - be our loudest testimony to the value of having God at the center of all we do.

Solomon's Mine

Forget gold... Solomon's real treasure was wisdom.

Song of Solomon 2:15 -
Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes
that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom.

I’ll aim this verse at the men. What are the little foxes that are ruining your vineyard? They are any thing that is getting in the way of your marriage being what you and your wife want and need it to be. Are you working long hours and depriving your wife and kids of your presence? That could be causing resentment and leaving your wife questioning your commitment to the family. As men we tend to define ourselves by our jobs, and it is all too easy to put work before our loved ones. We may think its necessary for financial reasons or to stay on the career path we desire, but this is a dangerous train of thought with potentially catastrophic results. Our ‘jobs’ as husband and father must come first. If you aren’t there, is your wife swamped with her own work responsibilities plus the housework, leaving her wanting to do nothing but pass out by the time night rolls around? Does the pressure of dealing with kids lead her to shout “They’re yours!” as soon as you walk in the door at the end of the work day? Do all these things leave you both yearning for days seemingly long gone when your focus was on each other, when you sought to meet each other’s needs and fulfill each other’s hopes and dreams of what a marriage was supposed to be?

If so, what can you do to make your wife’s life easier? If you are unsure, I’ll bet your wife would give you some  suggestions. Could you arrange flex-time hours at work that would allow you to be at home more often, where you could be more involved in the kids’ lives and their schedules? Could you pitch in more around the house? Could your wife come home once in a while and not have any domestic chore demanding her attention? Its no coincidence that Kevin Lehman has a book called Sex Begins in the Kitchen, and that Laura Schlessinger once said on her radio program that “the sound of my husband running the vacuum cleaner counts as foreplay.” Think about it. Do not, however, expect a quid pro quo exchange of needs-meeting. Make it a habit to help without expecting anything, and in time the very nature of the relationship will change for the better.

And now, a verse for the ladies, Song of Solomon 7:13 -
...and at our door is every delicacy, both new and old,
  that I have stored up for you, my beloved.

That’s Solomon’s wife speaking, talking about a trip out of the city to a secluded hideaway, just the two of them. “Every delicacy, both new and old...” What she’s essentially saying is “Come bedtime, I’ve got tricks you haven’t seen yet.” Not ‘some delicacies’ she says, but *every* delicacy. Choice fruits, she says elsewhere in the Song of Songs. Being the initiator might not be in your comfort zone, but rejoice in the fact that “naughty” in the context of a loving, devoted marriage is in fact blessed and holy.

So surprise him. Let your husband know that he’s worth your effort. Let him know that you’ve listened when he’s talked about his needs, dreams, wants and desires. If he hasn’t talked to you about them - ask! Initiate the conversation. Most likely he desperately wants to have these talks but may worry about starting them; there’s a vulnerability in discussing desires, in the bedroom and otherwise. You opening that door will be a blessing, as will you acting on the knowledge gained. A man who feels his needs are a priority to you will do just about anything to make sure yours are met as well.

Paul said in 1 Corinthians 7:5 that both spouses should fulfill each other’s needs, and not deprive each other. You won’t know how to do that without talking about what those needs are. Both spouses need to put forth the effort to create an environment where the other truly wants to follow Paul’s direction, where it is not considered a duty or a chore to meet your spouse’s needs, but a privilege and a gift.

Pressure

Pressure, pushing down on me Pressing down on you, no man asks for...
-David Bowie / Queen

But you will come to a place Where the only thing you feel
Are loaded guns in your face And you'll have to deal with Pressure
-Billy Joel

Pressure isn’t fun. It can be exhilarating at times, and some of us claim to work better under pressure. While that may be true, over time constant pressure can break us down and rob of us of our mental and even physical health and well being. What pressures are we - consciously or otherwise - putting on our spouses because of our ideas about love?

The notion that romantic love could completely satisfy us is pervasive in all our media. We are told over and over that somewhere out there is *one* person that will complete us, that will make us whole. Love songs, romance novels and movies all trumpet that out there somewhere is our “soul mate,” and if we could just find that person all would be well; endless bliss, happily ever after. The idea of a “soul mate” is a pagan concept, rooted in ancient Greek mythology. In Plato’s The Symposium there is a story about how the first humans had four arms and legs, and two faces. Zeus, fearing their power, split them in two and condemned each to search endlessly for the other half. While dating then, we put undue pressure on ourselves to find that one... and once married we put a lot of pressure on our spouse; we expect them to be our everything, to fulfill our every need, to be our lover, our best friend, our confidant, our biggest cheerleader. In the rush of new love, it may feel that way but it can lead to unhealthy dependence, especially if we tie our identity to the relationship, and *expect* changes to *need.* Mark Gungor, pastor, couples’ counsellor and stand-up comedian said, “If there was one person on earth that could fulfill all your needs, God would make sure that person stayed AS FAR AWAY FROM YOU AS POSSIBLE!” Why? Because God wants to fill that void within us, to complete us, to satisfy our needs and wants. At first glance this seems unromantic; it’s contrary to every love song we've ever heard!  It is, however, liberating. 2 Corinthians 9:8 says:

And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.

Make no mistake - loving your spouse as best you can is included in that good work you are called to. If you and your spouse are both looking to God to “complete” you, that takes all the pressure off each other - pressure that is unrealistic and self-defeating anyway. We can’t complete another person, or satisfy another person’s every want and need. We are finite and imperfect ourselves! With the pressure off, we are free to love our spouse because we want to, because we choose to, not because they expect or need us to. Relying on God’s strength and following Christ’s example we can love our spouses better than we ever could on our own.

When two people intentionally and continually put each other’s needs before their own, when they make it a point to forgive slights and hurts, forget misdeeds and overlook imperfections, when they choose every day to love unconditionally... then a successful marriage is virtually guaranteed.

Following Biblical truths, ANY TWO PEOPLE can make marriage work.

Covet (a poem)

I wrote this a while ago. I post it in reponse to a post on another marriage blog here .

What images of passion
delicious kisses words
and hot embraces
are forgotten in the
blackness
of our desire?

Doors of opportunity
open themselves to us
and we stand blinded
hearts and minds coveting
always
more and more

That which we do not yet have
hanging beyond our reach
taunts our grasping hands
shines bright obscuring all
gifts
that we’ve been given

We grasp and stretch and lunge
at ripe red apples and
fields of luscious green
while our own grass withers
our fruit
spoils at our feet