Quarantine II: Structure

We are all creatures of habit; the world we inhabit practically demands it. It is so busy, so fast-paced that we must have routines that we follow to get anywhere, get anything done. Without routines, without structure to our day we’d have to think about what to do each moment, and the time spent on those decisions would cause lags in productivity. Einstein famously had seven identical suits so that the decision of what to wear each day was never something he had to spend time or mental energy on, saving those precious commodities for wrestling with the big ideas of physics and relativity.

With the COVID-19 pandemic raging around the world, most if not all of the structures that we had in place were taken away, quite suddenly, leaving many of us flailing. Without the structures and routines we are paralyzed. Fear of the unknown, stress about making ends meet and anxiety about the future feed on us when we suddenly have so much time to think with our normal busyness gone. It is imperative that we create new structures, and even look at the present scenario as a gift - the old pace we tried to live at, was it sustainable? How many of us were always tired, cranky, stressed, feeling we never had enough time to both live life and enjoy it, get important stuff done AND spend some time the way we wanted to, pursuing hobbies or interests that brought us joy?

For married couples this process is doubly important. Two people, now living in closer quarters than usual, both have needs for space, work time, alone time, self care and comfort. Any structures to be built during this time need to accommodate the needs of both spouses (AND any children living in the house too). Before, the structures were largely imposed from the outside - school, activities, work. With everything shut down, we are the source for anything that is to come. Many people struggled with saying “no” to outside bids for their time, energy and resources. The world has now said ‘no’ to everything for us. Not only can we now rebuild our routines for ourselves and our families, we need to also make the most of this chance to critically examine what we will say ‘yes’ to in the future. If we build wisely now, creating routines that allow us time with our spouses and family, hopefully we will carefully consider things that will take that time away from us in the future. Whether things fully open up later this fall, or next year or two years from now, we should aim to have our own marital and familial foundations strengthened and bolstered so as to better withstand the forces of life in this age, this fallen world that will again come against us. Jesus says in Luke 6:47-48

I will show you what someone is like who comes to me, hears my words, and acts on them. That one is like a man building a house, who dug deeply and laid the foundation on rock; when a flood arose, the river burst against that house but could not shake it, because it had been well built.

We have a chance, right now, to consider our foundations and rebuild them not on shifting sand but on rock. Take that chance. Discuss with your husband or wife  what you want your life to look like next month, next year, when things normalize or even if they don’t. Set forth boundaries and guidelines, create new routines that honor God and strengthen your union, that help you build each other up and foster openness, laughter and that allow your love to grow deeper.

QUARANTINE

These are bizarre times we live in; historic, unprecedented in our lifetimes, and positively weird. There is no way the massive upheavals in our lives would not affect all of our relationships in some way, and for married couples that is even more true. Suddenly, with no time to prepare, we are living in closer proximity to our spouses, and for longer periods of time than maybe we ever have. Better or worse, sicker or poorer, all those still apply - but now the words are put to the test… Did we really MEAN them? For those lucky enough to have jobs working from home, we now need to figure out how to live and work around each other. For those who have lost jobs there is the added uncertainty of what the future will hold casting a pall on daily life. For those couples where one - or both - spouses are first responders there is concern about exposure to the virus, lack of essential gear, and countless other issues that could have devastating consequences.

We are all, the whole world, affected in some way by the pandemic. How we react to these conditions will have long lasting effects on our lives. In China, coming out of quarantine has led to waiting lists at the divorce lawyers’ offices, suggesting we must give some thought to how we “do” marriage in these strange days. It is hard to set out any specifics, as every couple’s situation will be unique to them, but certain things are essential. These may include:

Schedules. As we are now sharing the same spaces in our homes, it is important to figure out ways to share them. If a space (like a work space) must be shared, then make a schedule of how that will occur. It is also critical to demarcate alone time for all parties, which is all the more necessary when spending (seemingly) every waking moment with each other. Understand the need for personal time to pray or meditate, to exercise, to read, to decompress, to breathe. Then, as Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7, come together again.

Speaking of time everyone will need plenty of it to process what the “new normal” is, what it means, and to adjust and adapt to it. Give each other that time - and space. 1 Corinthians 13 should be essential reading during this period. Love is patient, love is kind, love isn’t arrogant and doesn’t demand its own way.

As you are making the rules (or at least setting guidelines) set boundaries. Don’t wait until someone’s toes get stepped on (literally or metaphorically) and a fight starts. Figure out what each person’s spatial needs are to be active and productive, to be able to do what they need to do and not feel crowded. When conflict does happen, remember to fight fair. Focus on behaviors, not character. Focus on how you are feeling, without judgement on the other person.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, SHOW EACH OTHER GRACE. As critical as this always is in marriage (and life!) it is even more so in these times when people are scared, stressed, and trying their best to make everything work as best it can, even as things change day to day. Give each other the benefit of the doubt! Don’t assume the thing they’re doing that grates on your last nerve is a nefarious plan to drive you over the edge. They are likely overwhelmed by it all too, and might not be thinking clearly much less acting intentionally. As nerves fray and tongues get sharp, remember that you are on the same side, that you are partners, not enemies. Think on Solomon’s words in Ecclesiastes 4, that two are better than one, and a cord of three strands is not easily broken. Man, woman and God, together, can and will survive and overcome.

Enjoy

Solomon writes in Ecclesiastes 9:9 Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun—all your meaningless days. Obviously this goes for wives and their husbands as well, so the question is, are you? Are you enjoying life with your spouse. If not, why not? All of us can list reasons to not enjoy our lives, married or otherwise. There are countless things to worry about, from the mundane aspects of our everyday existence to sweeping issues that affect the whole world. We are over-scheduled and busy, the faucet is leaking, the car is sputtering, the stock market is down, there’s a global pandemic happening, climate change is slowly killing us all… This fallen world is rife with unrest and pain. We know this though! Nothing about the state of the world is new. Jesus told us that we’d face problems. But he also stresses that we should have hope. In John 16:33 he says I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. Think of your mental state when you are driving home from a long trip, and then compare that to your mental state when you are driving somewhere new and trying to find the address. Knowing where we are heading should ease our hearts and minds as we are heading there.So of course, pray for the world we live in, and do what you can to make it better. We are all responsible for doing work to usher in the kingdom. As you do so, though, make a choice to ENJOY life with your spouse. From making date nights happen regularly, to talking about hopes and dreams, to supporting each other’s interests and fulfilling each other’s desires, find joy in your shared life together. Even when things are hard, if you lean in to the fact that you are a team, and you don’t have to face trials alone but with a partner that has your back, joy can be found. Think of how bonds are strengthened by shared adversity, and know that on the other side of trouble you will be stronger as a couple. Author Alan Cohen wrote “Don’t postpone joy until you have learned all of your lessons. Joy is your lesson.” Make it one you keep learning - until you get it right!

Plans

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

God has a plan for each one of us. By extension, for those of us who are married he also has plans for our marriages, plans “to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us hope and a future.” That said though, we cannot just sit around and wait for God’s plans to come to fruition. When God told Abraham to “go to a land I will show you” and made his promise that Abraham’s descendants would be innumerable, and the whole world would be blessed by them, Abraham packed up and went. Not knowing exactly where he was going, he simply had faith that God would show him where he was supposed to be when the time came. 

We too then, must take steps along our journey in order for God’s plans to come to fruition in our lives. Life is busy, and distracting. With our own schedules, kids’ schedules, work and all the other things going on around us, it is easy to become reactionary, bobbing and weaving with life’s punches to try our best to manage everything. When that happens our spouses, and our marriages, get given the remnants of our time, our effort and our attention.

God has plans for us - and thus so should we.

Young couples often make promises to never do “unromantic” things like schedule sex, or plan for date nights. After all, shouldn’t love be spontaneous? Sure, in Hollywood scripts, romance novels and love songs. (Incidentally, in all those things it is written out, scripted and planned) In real life though, anything worth doing or worth having is worth the time and effort spent to make happen. Time can be budgeted; maybe that’s the origin of the phrase “time is money!” At the beginning of each month, look at the calendar. Put down all the doctor appointments, soccer practices, dance recitals and scout meetings. Put down all the church committee meetings, business trips and other errands. Find time in amongst everything else and dedicate it to each other. Plan to have dinners, see movies, and allow for time to snuggle on the couch and yes, plan to make love to each other. Be intentional, make time for each other. Spontaneous love, sex and romance is great, until it doesn’t happen at all. You can always find ways to surprise each other within the framework of your schedule, so the planning doesn’t make it feel rote or dull.
Have God’s purposes for you and your marriage in your mind as you make your plans, and consider these two verses from Psalm 20:4

May he give you the desire of your heart, and make all your plans succeed.

and Proverbs 16:3

Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans.

God has a plan for you and your spouse. Actively work towards making those plans come to fruition, both for your own benefit and that of the kingdom to come!

Possibilities

The Sunday comics may seem an odd place to find salient marriage advice, but as the calendar turns I’m reminded of the last strip that my all-time favorite comic artist ever published. On December 31, 1995 a new Calvin and Hobbes strip appeared in newspapers for the last time. To the heartbreak of fans around the world, Watterson retired the beloved characters, stating he had “done all he could with them.”

The scene: The boy and his tiger stand knee deep in snow holding a sled, eyes wide. The text goes like this:

C: Wow! It really snowed last night! Isn't it wonderful?
H: Everything familiar has disappeared! The world looks brand new!
C: A new year... a fresh, clean start!
H: it's like having a big white sheet of paper to draw on!
C: A day full of possibilities!
C: It's a magical world, Hobbes ol' buddy... let's go exploring!

Despite being an end, it speaks wondrously to new adventures, fun to be had, and indeed, endless possibilities.

As Watterson named his characters with obvious religious symbolism, it doesn’t feel too wrong to find a godly message here. God says in Revelation 21:5 “I am making everything new!” Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 5:17 “If anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” Even in the Old Testament, the author of Lamentations says “[The Lord's] compassions never fail. They are new every morning.”

Whether or not we begin the year with a blanket of unspoiled snow covering our landscape, be reminded of this. God’s mercies are new. There are endless possibilities, and plenty to explore - including your marriage, and your spouse. Break out of old routines. Learn a new skill together; take a cooking class, or go to a painting night. Renew your efforts to learn things about your husband or wife that you don’t yet know - there are plenty. Buy each other a new article of clothing, and then wear them on a date to somewhere you’ve never been before. Choose a book neither of you has read; read it and discuss. Make a list of new bedroom “adventures” and see how long into the new year you get before needing to come up with more.

Shared experiences of new things can strengthen your bonds as they spur the bodies release of  hormones like dopamine, adrenaline, and serotonin. These chemicals all are associated with new and passionate love. Think about it… the beginning of any relationship is marked by novelty, mystery and anxiety. Even though you know each other a little better now, you can recreate those bonding experiences by continuing to try new things together.

Marriage and Prayer

So many Christian marriage blogs, books and other media stress the importance of prayer. Pray for your spouse. Pray with your spouse. Pray for your sex life and each other’s well being. Pray before having hard conversations, that God may bless your communication and help you to understand one another. Not that the importance of any of those things should be refuted, but what if it’s also backwards? What if we need to improve our marriages for the benefit of our prayer life?

What if the state of our marriage directly affected the effectiveness of our prayers? The apostle Paul writes in 1 Peter 3:7

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

As Gary Thomas tells married men in Sacred Marriage “He [Paul] is directly connecting our attitude towards and treatment of our wives with the fundamental Christian discipline of prayer. When we got married, a condition was put on our prayer lives, and that condition is tied directly to how we view and treat our wives.” This verse focuses on men, but the sentiment goes for women as well. This invalidates any and all excuses to avoid working on your marriage; your prayer life depends on it! Of course, there are many facets, many types of intimacy that make up married life and all are important for the overall health of the relationship. If any one of them is lacking, it can affect the rest of them - and your life outside of marriage

In 1 Corinthians 7:5 Paul again links prayer and the marriage relationship - specifically to the physical component.

Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

According to Paul here, for married couples sex comes first and foremost. Then prayer... and then more sex! The inference is that if either or both spouses is feeling deprived, then Satan has a foothold into their life and prayer suffers. God puts a premium value on relationships. In fact, to Him our relationships with each other are the most important thing! Read Christ’s words in Matthew 5:23-24

Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.

Jesus is saying that God doesn’t want your sacrifice if there is a relationship in your life that isn’t right. Marriage is the most important earthly relationship, therefore it needs to be set right first, before we offer our gifts, our prayers or ourselves to God.

For married people, marriage is the foundation of everything else in their life. It is home base from whence you go forth into the world. When it is going well, both spouses are nigh invincible! But if the marriage is hurting, it drastically affects how effective the rest of your life is. It can hinder your work, put a damper on other relationships and negatively impact your mission and ministry efforts. More so, as married people we must consider our marriage as a large part of our ministry. If we choose to be married then caring for that union is an integral part of our kingdom work. How we ‘do’ marriage is vital in giving our lives a solid platform from which to operate AND in providing a picture to the world of God’s love for creation. If things in your marriage are not what you want them to be, pray for God’s help of course. But then take action! Pray that God would show you what you can do to improve the situation, what actions you can take to make things better. Doing so will increase the impact that you, through your efforts - and your prayers - can make on the world, doing your part to usher in God’s kingdom.

Language Lessons

Proverbs 22:6 says “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.” As discussed last month, the subtle meaning lost in translation is that each child is different, and thus so is “the way they should go.” This holds true for all people, even into adulthood. Each of us is “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14) with a unique set of personality quirks and flaws, dreams, wants and desires. Each of us is also ‘built’ to give and receive love differently. Gary Chapman explores this in his book The Five Love Languages. Each person has one main one, and some mix of the other four languages. Chapman defines the five as Quality Time, Acts of Service, Gifts, Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch. There is a quiz online that you can take to find out what yours is at https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/

The danger in knowing which language your spouse ‘speaks’ is thinking that you know then how to love them. Using the language metaphor, knowing someone speaks Swahili is a long way from knowing how to speak to them and be understood in their native tongue. Obviously, you still need to learn their language, especially if it is different than yours! Even if you share a language, it goes without saying that you probably are fluent in different ‘dialects.’ The good news is you probably share the same actual, spoken language, and can discuss what loving - and being loved - means to each other. 

Since every human is unique, each of the five languages has an infinite number of dialects. A husband who knows his wife has “acts of service” as her main love language might think he is loving her by taking care of her car; changing the oil, checking the tires, keeping it clean, etc. Cars are important to him, and therefore he believes he is loving her. She might not care about the car though, but would be thrilled by him vacuuming and doing the laundry. A husband with words of affirmation as his language might not be moved by his wife telling him directly she finds him attractive (she values attractiveness, and thus thinks commenting on his appearance is loving him). He would beam though, to see her praising his fatherhood skills or ability to fix things on social media. We all come into marriage with prejudices, predilections and predispositions… the only way to find out what your spouse’s are is to talk with them.

The last wrinkle in this is figuring out how to ‘speak’ your spouse’s language in all aspects of your lives together. Ask yourself how can acts of service manifest when planning date nights? How can gifts be given without spending money. How many different ways can words of affirmation be given? How many different media can they be used in? How can physical touch be incorporated into activities that *aren’t* sexual? Conversely, how can the other four languages be brought *into* the bedroom?

Proverbs 18:15 says:

The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge, for the ears of the wise seek it out.

Marriage is ordained by God to be for a lifetime, so that we have as long as possible to learn about our spouses. Understanding what their love language is should be an early lesson, as it is foundational to figuring out how to love them as they want and need. Mastering that language should be an ongoing pursuit. Their dialogue is unique to them, and alive! Like all languages, new words are added and old words fall out of use. Like marriage itself, undertaking “language lessons” is a choice you must make - over and over - as long as you both shall live.