Invest (part II)

A new year, a clean slate... as a follow up to last month’s moment, here’s a "greatest hits" list of ways to invest in your marriage in the new year. (with a new one or two) Just like supporting the church, you can give of your:

Time:

> Pray together. More than just at mealtimes, make a serious effort to regularly go before God together with humility and gratitude. Be transparent, honest and vulnerable.

> Do a marriage devotional together. There are tons of resources out there for couples who want to reconnect and foster deeper, stronger intimacy - in all it's forms.

> Schedule regular date nights. Put them on your calendar, and declare them non-negotiable. Declare them sacred! Make a plan that works for you both, and share responsibility for specifics. Take turns planning; arranging sitters for the kids, choosing a place, etc. How often? Monthly? Weekly? Up to you! Choose a timeframe that you will be able to maintain.
Note: Sex does not have to be part of the date, so...

> Schedule sex too! Don't fall off each other’s "to do" lists. Again, take turns initiating so that one partner doesn't always feel like they have to bring it up or else it won't happen. That's not healthy, and can lead to resentment and unfulfillment. Mix it up, so your romantic encounters don't always happen in the same ol' place, time or way.

Treasure:

> Date nights don't have to be extravagant or expensive. A walk in a park can be every bit as romantic, affirming and encouraging as a weekend getaway or fancy dinner. Sometimes though, splurging on a special night out is necessary. Getting out of your normal context will help you see each other in new ways, and it will foster conversation that is also out of the ordinary. Think outside the box though; dinner and a movie are cliche! Exercise together. Take a class together. Learn to cook a new recipe, dance a new step, or create a piece of art. Visit a museum. Take in a play or a concert. Heck, skydive! Shared (new) experiences are conducive to strengthening bonds.

> When you do decide to really "go out," buy some new date-night duds. Shop with each other - or if you're really brave, shop FOR each other. Again, breaking out of the same old routines will liven things up. Surprise and excitement are powerful aphrodisiacs!

> It may seem counter-intuitive, but invest in yourself. Whether it be a hobby that you've been neglecting, a book you want to read, or a something you've always wanted to do, doing something for yourself can make you feel happy and alive, and improve your attitude. Bringing that fresh outlook to your marriage can have far-reaching positive consequences.

Talents (and gifts):

What is unique about you?  What are those interests and hobbies? How have you been gifted by the Spirit, and what skills have you developed? What things do you know that would surprise someone to discover? How can you bring those to bear on improving your marriage?

>Play a trivia game with (or against!) each other. When they come up with an obscure answer that you never would have guessed, ask them how they know that.

>Take a spiritual gifts quiz. Volunteer together in areas of each others giftedness.

>As healthy as it is to have your own interests and pursue them, it can also be beneficial to share them with your spouse. I read recently about a couple that was on the verge of divorce until the wife asked to go hunting with her husband, a passion of his. The shared experience helped her to understand her husband better, and the conversations that ensued brought them closer, and eventually back together. Never stop learning about who your spouse is, and what makes them tick!

With St. Valentine's Day approaching, commit to passing on the cliché chocolates or expensive, crowded dinner and use this list as a starting point! Brainstorm with your spouse and come up with ways to invest in each other that are unique to you. DO those things to celebrate your love and strengthen your marriage.

Invest (part I)

In his book Divine Fingerprint, author and pastor Keith Craft writes about the miracle of loaves and fishes that took place during the sermon on the mount. His interesting take on the story regards who the hero is. Sure, the disciples start the conversation and point out the problem.
The disciples came to him and said "This is a deserted place, and the hour is now late; send the crowds away so that they may go into the villages and buy food"  -Matthew 14:15

and Jesus (of course) thanks God and performs the miracle…

Taking the five loaves and the two fish, he looked up to heaven, and blessed and broke the loaves, and gave them to his disciples  -Mark 6:41

but in John 6:8 is where Craft finds the hero.

Andrew, Simon Peter’s brother, said to him, “There is a boy here who has five barley loaves and two fish.

“There is a boy here.”

We don’t even know his name, but a boy, one of the multitude that had come to see Jesus, had with him five loaves and two fish. When asked, he gave all he had to God, in the person of the Son, so that a miracle could happen. God steps in to perform miracles only when what needs to happen is beyond our reach, our ability, our strength. That means we have to have exhausted our human potential towards a goal and be open to God’s will. We must give all we have, in this case, to our marriage. When we do, then we become eligible for the miraculous.

I’ve heard marriage described as something that is “built” with talk of strong foundations, but perhaps it is more like something that is grown. It must be cultivated, watered, cared for and fed if it is to flourish. These activities are most effective when undertaken daily, and by both parties. Husband and wife must both bring all they have to the process, since both will bring different qualities, different skills, different gifts. It is very easy in this day and age to take your marriage for granted. Life is hectic, everyone is busy, a multitude of other activities and responsibilities - work, school, kids, church - are constantly clamoring for your attention. It can be tempting to think that since you are already married, loving your spouse can slip down on the list of priorities. Nothing could be further from the truth! That would not be giving all we have.

When that happens, the union can live up to its potential, can be a picture of God’s love for the world. A marriage thus nurtured becomes healthy and thriving, it will bear fruit; it will be a place where miracles happen.

Transaction vs. Transformation

For many, all the relationships they maintain in their life are transactional. That is, they put time and energy into the relationship to get something from it in return. When one enters into marriage with this mindset, problems ensue. Many enter into marriage this way because of how they approached dating. Even before the advent of online dating, where one gets to create a digital profile, dating could be described as the attempt to “get” a husband or wife. To that end one presents the most attractive parts of his- or herself, and possibly even modifies their behavior to be more attractive. Like fishing, one tries to offer an enticing bait to trigger a bite. This can lead to disillusionment when, after the wedding day, a person no longer exhibits those same behaviors or traits. It could also lead to compromising one’s values or losing one’s self if they try and maintain the facade, constantly feeling the need to “sell themselves” or keep their spouse “hooked” - or simply to get their own wants and needs met in return. This is the world’s standard.

In Romans 12:2 though we are commanded:

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

We are called to transform, not conform. Marriage done right is transformational. The vows we take to love, honor and cherish the other person for as long as life shall last require us to go outside our comfort zones, beyond our skill sets in an ongoing effort to love and serve our spouses, and in the process become more like God than we would have ever become on our own. We are created in his image after all, but it takes work on our part to fulfill the awesome potential that fact entails.

Take a serious look at how you are behaving towards your spouse.

Are you regularly asking (nagging, begging) for them to do things? Is your relationship marked by bargaining or negotiating? I’ll do this if you do that? Do you do things expecting them to do other  things in return? Or say they “owe” you since they did something that hurt you? 1 Corinthians 13:5 says that love “does not seek its own way” and “does not keep a record of being wronged.”

A transformational marriage mindset is this: that you do things to bless and serve your spouse, expecting nothing back - just because you vowed to love, honor and cherish. With a transformational mindset you seek to become the partner that your spouse needs you to be. In the movie Fireproof, when Kirk Cameron’s character begins performing the daily love dares, he is initially upset that his wife is not reacting how he thinks she should. He is hurt that he is putting in the effort and being spurned, and even scorned. “Why bother?” he asks himself. It is when he starts acting without expectation - other than that he will become a better person - that the wife notices. She sees the change in him that is behind his actions, and the marriage is renewed, saved from the brink.

Seek to transform yourself, by the renewing of your mind. Seek God’s will for yourself and your marriage. Seek to be the person he created you to be. And watch as your relationships are transformed and renewed as well.

Hide and Seek

Consider this verse from Genesis 3:8-10

And they heard the voice of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God amongst the trees of the garden. And the Lord God called unto Adam, and said unto him, “Where art thou?” And he said, “I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.”

Were Adam and Eve hiding from God because they knew they were naked? Or was it really because they were ashamed of what they had done? Ever since that one act of willful disobedience, human beings have done things they knew were wrong. Many people are so broken they don’t even see the error of their ways. Others are proud of their misdeeds; they are unrepentant, reveling in their sin. Regardless, we have all sinned, and fallen short of the glory of God.

For those of us who have turned towards God, we regret. We are left with memories of who we were before we accepted God’s grace and forgiveness. Scripture says our records are wiped clean by Jesus’ dying on the cross for us, but it is easier to know that than it is to feel it, or understand it. After all, we know what messes we were, how bad we screwed up. The excuse that we were younger then, that we didn’t know any better is no balm for our souls. Incredulous, we wonder: how can God possibly love us? How can He forgive us? And so, we hide.

We may not literally disappear from view, but we hide emotionally, and spiritually. We live our lives with those aspects of our past neatly tucked away. We function, but we never surrender those old wrongs to God. We subconsciously repress them, but all that does it make sure we never own them; we never admit them, we never face them. It’s as if we aren’t forgiven of them at all, because we don’t forgive ourselves. We hold on to them, like a grudge against ourselves that anchors us, holds us back, keeps us from becoming all that God designed us to be.

In marriage, this issue can be especially damaging. We cannot be fully loved unless we are fully known. There’s a reason the Biblical euphemism for sexual intercourse is “to know” - because it implies complete, deepest intimacy. Shame and regret make people hide parts of themselves, episodes from their past, thinking their spouse wouldn’t love them if they really knew everything, When there are things you hold tight to and don’t surrender, it affects the relationship. If you are to truly become one flesh, that has to include all facets of both parties, good bad and ugly - otherwise the union can not be complete.

Marriage is supposed to be a place where transparency and vulnerability are safe, but too often it isn’t - or we assume it isn’t - and that keeps it from being all it is designed to be. Both spouses need to commit to fostering an atmosphere of safety, promising to forgive anything from the past. When we can admit it all, we can rid ourselves of it. We can hand it over to God and truly be who he made us to be. John Maxwell said “You know why they call grace amazing? Because it’s amazing!” When two people commit to giving it - and receiving it - from each other, knowing it was given them by God, it is rejuvenating, and transformative. It turns a human relationship into a picture of God’s love that we can show to the world.

I heard once that love happens between two people who don’t know each other, but TRUE love happens between two people who know each other completely - so strive to know one another completely. Be open. Be honest. Forgive. Show grace. Love deep.

Positive

Humans tend to dwell on the negative. An author will remember one bad review among a hundred good ones. People gripe about minor inconveniences. Fights start over things that after the fact seem inconsequential - if they are remembered at all. Why?

Darren Hardy, in his book The Compound Effect posits that this is - or at least, was - a survival skill. Surrounded by saber-toothed tigers and other beasts, early humans had to be on the lookout for every worst-case scenario. It was literally a matter of life and death! Existence was a never ending string of “lack or attack” situations. Our ancestors had to hunt or gather to avoid the former, and fight back or run like heck to escape the latter. We are calibrated to notice what is bad instead of what is good, since what is good doesn't require a response to survive.

Our modern lives are still sometimes difficult, fraught with peril and indeed, we have to work hard to provide for ourselves and our families. That said, constantly focusing on what’s wrong doesn’t best serve our well-being anymore. This is especially true when it comes to relationships; in fact, in that context it is purposefully focusing on the positive that becomes a “survival” skill!

Pastor Jimmy Evans wrote recently that “Attitudes are a choice. You can't blame them on your reality.” A good attitude is a key to healthy relationships. Your attitude and thoughts determine the reality that you inhabit. A psychological study found that people who thought of themselves as lucky were measurably luckier than those who didn’t think so. The conclusion was that people who thought they were lucky were more open to and aware of the possibilities of good things happening, and thus were able to take advantage of them when they occurred.

With that in mind, what are you thinking about, as far as your marriage is concerned? That he left the toilet seat up again, or didn’t put the cap back on the toothpaste? That she bought four new pairs of shoes? That she didn’t have dinner ready, or he was three hours late coming home from work and didn’t call?

Or did you think about how great your wife’s hair looked last night? What an awesome mom she is? How great your husband is at his job? How much you love his smile? How hard he works to keep the house together? How meticulous she is tracking the finances?

Paul’s words in Phillipians 4:8 are important for life in general, but their significance is magnified within marriage:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

None of us are perfect, and if you set out to find fault, you certainly will. If, though, you train yourself to notice good things, as time goes by you will see them more and more. When you tune in to all that is right, you will be heartened instead of discouraged. When you constantly remind yourself of why you married your spouse in the first place, the negative things have less and less effect on your mood, your outlook - and your marriage.

Running, Part IV

I’ve been writing about using running a race as a metaphor for life and marriage, drawing from new testament scriptures. I've covered setting short term goals for your relationship, and celebrating milestones, identifying the things that get in the way of a healthy marriage, the "little foxes" as Solomon called them in Song of Songs; being vigilant in watching for them and some practical ways to avoid them so we never feel that we “run our race in vain.

The fourth verse I’ll reference in this series is Hebrews 12:1:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

There are three points here that are worth noting as they apply to marriage.

“Surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses…” It frustrates me when I hear people say “I’m a spiritual person, but I don’t need to go to church” or, “My relationship with God is private.” There are two dozen places in the new testament where commands that include the phrase “one another” are stated. Pray for one another, bear one another’s burdens, comfort one another. Forgive one another, love one another. How can one fulfill any of these commands by themselves? Community is essential if we are to be the human beings God calls us to be. In the same way, we can’t do marriage all alone. We need other couples around us to encourage us, to support us, and to hold us accountable. It is critical to have in our circles of friends others who believe in God’s design for marriage - and not just people who claim to be our friends, who will tell us what we want to hear instead of what we need to hear. We need people who will lock arms with us when things are tough, who will preach truth when the world says “Serve yourself” or “cut your losses and start over.” We need people we trust, to go to when we have questions or need Godly advice. As we mature, we need to be those people to younger couples, and give back what we've been given. While a church congregation is important, so too are small groups. It is in these more intimate gatherings where relationships can go deeper, and it becomes easier to talk about marriage issues than it is with casual acquaintances.

The second point in this verse is akin to Solomon warning us about the little foxes. The apostle writes "throw off everything that hinders and the sin that entangles." The key to following this directive is to be aware of your situation. Be present, and mindful. Talk regularly with your spouse to take your relationship temperature. If it is cooler than one or both of you would like, heat it up! You have to pay attention so that any snags are noticed before they cause damage that is irreversible, so that you can both work together as teammates to deal with whatever life is throwing at you. Also, both of you should be seeking God's voice, His will for your life and your union. As Solomon writes in Ecclesiastes 4:12 "Two are better than one, but a three-fold cord is not easily broken." Three strands; man, woman and God, are what make a marriage stronger than the world, with it's entangling sin and hindering influences.

Lastly, we are exhorted to "run with perseverance the race marked out for us." God has set the course for you and your spouse. He has plans for what you, as a couple, can accomplish if you continue on; you are together for a reason. In a general sense, marriage is a picture of God's love for creation. We who choose to marry carry the responsibility to be that picture to the world, to show people what God's love is like. We are to model Christ's sacrifice and deep, abiding affection for everyone by loving our spouse like that. If you are in a spot where this sounds impossible, if this truth is not being lived out see it as an opportunity to grow. You can choose to act in love even if you don't feel it. In the garden, Christ wasn't feeling it. As he prayed, sweating blood, he asked that the cup be taken from him - but concluded his prayer with "your will be done, Father, not mine."

In Romans 8:28 we are told that God works all things for good, for those who believe. Regardless of what you are going through, know that God can work good from it. If we are called according to his purpose. If we persevere.

Running, Part III

Last month’s article was about being vigilant against any and all things that can come between us and our spouses, what Solomon calls the “little foxes” in his Song of Songs, the ones that ruin blooming vineyards. How do we do that?

In Galatians 2:2 the apostle Paul writes:

I went in response to a revelation and, meeting privately with those esteemed as leaders, I presented to them the gospel that I preach among the Gentiles. I wanted to be sure I was not running my race in vain.

We can draw much useful information about this verse that applies to marriage.

First, Paul "went in response to a revelation." He was writing about the churches in Galatia coming under the sway of false teachers, straying from the faith Paul taught them. Paul obviously kept in contact with the leaders of these churches, and something in their correspondence led him to feel that something wasn't right. In marriage, we need to be paying attention to our spouse and our households. That way, we too will be aware when something is off. The earlier problems are known about and dealt with, the less damage they can do.

Second, when Paul realized there were issues to confront, he confronted them! He didn’t worry or wonder; he WENT. He met with the leaders. He didn't talk to others about it... he didn't write "Can you believe these Galatians?" to the church in Philippi. He didn't meet with Barnabas to gossip about the happenings in Galatia. Similarly, we should not talk to friends, colleagues or family about our marriage, and we should certainly not post our problems on social media. We should talk to our spouse. (but if the problems are severe, please seek out a counselor, therapist, or pastor.  They can often help solve issues that seem unsolvable.)

When we do talk, we should not attack or berate, but should seek understanding and resolution. Communication needs to be open and honest, but fair and civil. When Paul talks to the Galatian leaders, what was his main tool? The gospel. He brought them back to basics, to the source faith is based on: the Word of God. In marriage, this return to basics is just as valuable. There is plenty in scripture that we can use as the foundation of our marriages. The exposition on love in 1 Corinthians 13, the guidelines for husbands and wives in 1 Corinthians 7 and Ephesians 5, and many others remind us of God's designs for marriage.

We can also look back to the beginning of our relationships, when we fell so in love with our partners that we decided to spend the rest of our lives with them. What were the qualities in your future spouse that made you think, "This is the ONE"? How did you treat each other when you were dating? Do those things again when married life seems dull or tedious, when feelings of love are faded, few and far between. By doing, you will rekindle those emotions that formed the basis of your marriage. It is easy to fall for the world’s lie that you have to feel love to act on it, but the reverse is true, especially in mature relationships. Feelings follow action. Psychologists have observed that simply by smiling, depression can be abated and positivity be revived. Use that revelation to modify your behavior, and watch the good feelings return to your marriage.

When things aren't going well, it can feel like we are running our race in vain, like the effort we have expended was wasted. Throughout the book of Ecclesiastes, Solomon calls everything 'vanity,' akin to chasing after wind. Wisdom? Useless. Wealth? Worthless. Pleasure? Meaningless. And yet he has this advice to give towards the end of the book, in chapter 9 verse 9:

Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun

In Proverbs 5:18 this advice is reinforced:

May you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer— may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.

Date each other again. Reminisce. Relive past victories. Revisit old dreams and goals. Remember why you married each other! With those memories firmly ensconced in the forefront of your thoughts, surely you will see that the race you are running - together - is not at all in vain.