Run

Our third annual 5k is fast approaching! I hope you all have been training hard, and are ready to get out there and set a new personal best. As we prepare, let's think about what can race-running teach us about marriage.

I have heard it said that marriage is a marathon, not a sprint. In the context of a life together, that first day, the day we got married, is like a hundred yard dash. We spend lots of time preparing for it: booking a venue, hiring caterers and musicians, sending invitations... the list of things to do to plan a wedding seems endless! But then, finally, the day arrives - and all of the sudden it’s over. It’s easy to relax, thinking "Phew! Now it's done!" But marriage, the marathon, has just started. Have we trained for that? What work have we put in to prepare ourselves to succeed at the longer distance? Our society puts very little emphasis on training to be successful in the long term, but it is critical. 1 Corinthians 9:24 says:

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.

Our culture has made quitting acceptable; too few people "run in such a way as to get the prize." We need to enter into marriage with a long view. we need to believe that finishing - growing old together, until death do you part - is the goal. We must have the mindset that quitting, i.e. divorce, is not an option. So how do we get there? Preparation is one key. Premarital counseling, having deep discussions about expectations, values, goals and dreams can help remove potential obstacles from the path. For some of us, it’s too late for that kind of “training.” We are already deep in. For us, how we “run the race” is our key to success. The big picture is often daunting to comprehend or even think about, especially when things are not going well. Bill Rancic, entrepreneur and TV personality said, "I think what a lot of marathon runners do is envision crossing that finish line; visualization is critical. But for me, I set a lot of little goals along the way to get my mind off that overwhelming 26.2 miles. I know I've got to get to 5, and 12, and 16 and then I celebrate those little victories along the way.

Setting short term goals is important. It’s hard to picture your fiftieth anniversary party in year two. Retirement seems a million miles away when the kids are teething. I think all too often in marriage we forget to celebrate the little things. Birthdays, anniversaries, maybe Valentine's day sure, those are expected. I think when we celebrate unexpected victories together though, they more dramatically feed our enthusiasm about being married. From small things to big things, find reasons to celebrate! One of you get a promotion? Have a night on the town together! Find twenty bucks in an old jacket? Go get ice cream! Kid make honor roll? Pay off a debt? Complete a home improvement project? Find a reason to mark all milestones with hugs and kisses, laughter and joy. Then look to the horizon together to identify the next target - and start working towards it.

When you take the time to reconnect at random intervals like this, you remember why you married each other. When spirits are high, it’s easy to see everything you saw in your spouse at the beginning. Also, it will be less likely that emotional drift occurs, years pass and suddenly you and your spouse feel you don’t know each other anymore. These moments of togetherness (and happiness) give you the chance to synchronize your dreams and goals, and the pace at which you are going. Hold hands and run, lock-step into your future.

(Daily) Choice

In the church-wide study that our church did as a congregation last month, the author, Bob Crossman, challenged us to commit - or recommit - ourselves to Christ in six different ways: prayer, reading the Bible, worship, sacrificial giving, witnessing, and service. This call to recommit, or rededicate ourselves is a reminder that having a relationship with Jesus does not happen in an instant. It is not a one-time event. Yes, we are saved when we accept him into our lives, and our sins are forgiven… but our story doesn't end there; it can’t! It takes a lifetime to come to terms with and understand what those things mean. It is the beginning of a new life, the start of a journey. Marriage is the same. There is much to celebrate on the wedding day, as two people make a public and holy vow to spend the rest of their days together, but that is the beginning, not the end. The rest of their lives are spent in understanding the full extent of what they promised to each other.

It is no coincidence that Christ and the church are analogously referred to a bridegroom and bride, and that marriage ceremony imagery is used in Revelation when God and His creation are reconciled and rejoined. Both journeys - individual and savior, and husband and wife - need to be marked by certain disciplines. Both paths need to be chosen day in and day out. Indeed, salvation and marriage are more ways of being, states of mind, than they are events that happen but once. Both require waking up each morning and choosing the path over and over again.

To echo the Crossman study, I’ll suggest six ways that husbands and wives can choose marriage daily. These are areas of your life together that they can focus on in an effort to recommit to a marriage that blesses your spouse and honors God.

Cherish. Your spouse is a gift from God, and needs to be treated as such.

"Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be." Matthew 6:21

“Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies.” Proverbs 31:10

“Like the finest apple tree in the orchard,  is my lover among other young men.” Song of Songs 2:3

Praise. Tell your spouse often why you love them. Sing their praises publicly as well!

“Kind words are like honey— sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.” Proverbs 16:24

Forgive. We are forgiven only as we forgive, so...

"keep no record of wrongs." 1 Corinthians 13:5

Serve. Strive always to out-serve each other in your marriage.

"Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant" Mark 10:43

Forsake all others. You two are one flesh, after all.

“Rejoice in the wife of your youth. May you ever be intoxicated with her love.” Proverbs 5:18-19

“My beloved is mine, and I am his” Song of Songs 2:16

Work on the preceding five areas, and the sixth will surely follow.

“Faith, hope and love remain. And the greatest of these is love.” 1 Corinthians 13:13

“Love never fails.” 1 Corinthians 13:8

Presence

When some people enter a room, no one pays any attention. Others though, when they enter a situation people take notice. Conversations pause, eyes follow, even if only briefly. That person is said to have “presence." John Maxwell, author and leadership guru named "most influential person on the planet" by Inc. magazine recently discussed the idea of "presence" in his "Minute with Maxwell" video blog. His conclusion was that presence had more to do with a person's confidence than any other factor. Confidence can come from many places. You can be confident in who you are, you can be confident in your purpose, whether in a specific situation or in general. Knowing your surroundings, being comfortable with a group of people, being familiar with a scenario, these can all lead to confidence. As Christians, we should all strive for the confidence that comes with knowing who we are: children of God! As Paul says in Romans 8:14

For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children of God.

When we know who we are in Him, we are free to stop seeking approval or acceptance from people. In marriage, this knowledge frees us to take pressure off our spouse to validate us or to “complete us.” Those are God’s jobs, and thus are beyond any person to accomplish. If we are seeking that from anyone, including (especially!) the person we married, we have set ourselves up for serious disappointment. This may seem unromantic - after all, it goes against every rom com movie we’ve seen and love song we’ve ever heard. Remember Rose in Titanic, talking about Jack? “He saved me in every way a person can be saved…” When we take the onus of completing us off of our spouses shoulders, they are free to just love us, and we are free to do the same. Little mistakes we make are no longer earth shattering, and when we goof up, their self worth and identity is not adversely affected. We love, we accept, and show grace.

As our relationship with God grows, we should also find confidence in our purpose, for he has put each of us here intentionally. He has bought each of us at a price, and we are not our own. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)There is work for His kingdom that no one else can do but us. Each of our jobs, though unique, has the same purpose, revealed in Isaiah 44:8

Did I not proclaim my purposes for you long ago? You are my witnesses!

We can rest in that truth, and act accordingly, outside the concern of what anyone else thinks, or how they will react. We can act with confidence.

One of the hallmarks of confidence is enthusiasm. When you know who you are, and are sure what you’re doing is glorifying God and fulfilling His purpose for your life, you tackle those tasks with gusto. You are excited to wake up each day and get to the work He has set before you. Enthusiasm is contagious. In life, people will want to follow you, and will be inspired to seek their own purpose and identity. In marriage, your purpose is loving your spouse unconditionally, and the way they want and need to be loved. Do that enthusiastically, and your spouse may just feel led to reciprocate.

What presence do you bring into your marriage relationship? Consider it. When we know who we are, know our purpose, we do everything for God’s glory. (1 Corinthians 10:31) How might that mindset change how you live out your marriage?

Action

There was an article on the satire website “the Onion” recently, about a (fake) app you could buy for your phone. It would tell you that you ran 5 miles every day, regardless of what you did or didn’t do. It would even knock a few seconds off your time each day, so you could believe you were making strides in fitness and ability!

I read another article on why the vast majority of new year’s resolutions fail. It stated the main reason was because they are nebulous and undefined. “Eat healthier” “exercise more” “procrastinate less” and the like are all well-meaning and sound good, but without being quantifiable they are destined for failure, the good intentions all but sure to be abandoned. It is far too easy to tell yourself you are living up to your goals without doing anything of the sort. That’s the point of the fake app article. In the end, what matters most is action. In James 2:14 it says:

What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if you say you have faith but do not have works?

Resolutions to make your marriage better are no different. If you tell yourself you and your spouse will “argue less” “go on more dates” or “improve intimacy” without defining specifically what those things mean - TO EACH OF YOU - your chances of ending 2015 with a marriage that is markedly different than how you ended 2014 are slim. All resolutions require action if they are to have a positive impact on your life. Goals require action if they are to be reached, or exceeded. Start out thinking about the big picture, the broad strokes with which you want to repaint your life and your marriage, but don’t stop the conversation there! Continue talking with your spouse about how the two of you want to go about reaching your relationship goals.

Want to go on more dates? Great! Discuss specifics; how often, who is in charge of picking the venue, or arranging the baby sitter? Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo of the ONE Extraordinary Marriage blog alternate planning their monthly date nights. This is a great way for both spouses to feel desired, that they are worth the attention, time and effort of the other, and the responsibility is not always on the same person.

Want to improve intimacy? Who doesn’t! What type of intimacy do you each feel is most important to work on? Financial? Attend a Financial Peace class. There’s one coming up! Spiritual? Pick a devotional that you will do as a couple, and commit to praying for each other - and WITH each other - regularly. Talk about what you want your spouse to pray about for you. Physical? Make time to cuddle more, make it a point to hold hands in public, or even dive in to a 7 day (or longer!) sex challenge. In all areas, a frank conversation with your spouse will show you what areas the two of you need to work on. With that knowledge you can, as James 1:22 charges us:

Be doers of the word, and not merely hearers who deceive themselves.

Any of these big goals can seem daunting, especially if you think you have to come up with all the details on your own; luckily, you don’t! There is so much out there in the way of resources. There are plans to read the bible in a year, devotionals for couples, and numerous great books on how to create a better,  more Godly marriage. Search the web, the library… or ask me. I’ve been gathering information for a while now, and would be glad to share what I’ve found.

Clean Slate

My favorite thing about January is the feeling that everything is new… reborn, if you will. In our house the Christmas decorations often come down on January first or second. After the months-long slog of all the year-end spectacles, with the holiday chaos, parties and recitals, travel and general running around, I am always ready for a fresh start. It’s a new year! With everything clean, the air crisp and clear, the  possibilities seem endless!

Some people suffer from depression after December’s gone, and that’s understandable. People are often left so spent when it’s over that their defenses are down, and they feel they have nothing to look forward to. The build up to Christmas is so overblown that it’s inevitable to feel let down and sad when it’s over..

Instead, rejoice in the opportunities offered by the new year. It’s a chance to think on what has gone before; that is the point of the lyrics of Auld Lang Syne. "For auld lang syne", as it appears in the first line of the chorus, can be translated as "for the sake of old times". By reflecting on everything that has gotten you to where you are, you are ready then to look forward, and plot a course to where you want to go. Whether related to work, spirituality or relationships, health and fitness or artistic pursuits, the beginning of the year is a time when we can hit the reset button. We can pick up things we had put down, or start from scratch as needed. We can rededicate ourselves to the things that matter in our lives.

During the holiday season, it’s easy to let things slip, thinking that it’s too hectic to maintain our regular habits, routines AND "do Christmas." Things like eating right, devoting time to prayer, volunteering or spending regular time with our spouse can all fall by the wayside. The problem is that “the holidays” seem to get longer each year. As Loudon Wainwright III sang, “Christmas comes but once a year -
and goes on for two months.” That is long enough for these omissions to become (bad) habits. That makes it much harder to get back on the right path(s) come January; harder, but not impossible.

As we put away the decorations, and throw away the tree, now dry, sharp and painful to the touch, lets think about what behaviors, what attitudes, what untruths need also be disposed of. As Paul writes in Romans 12:2

...be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may discern what is the will of God - what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Use the new year as a reason to take stock of your life, and your marriage. Where are you now in your relationship with your spouse? What got you to this point? Where do you want to be? Use this time to return your marriage to a strong foundation, and then talk with your spouse about where you want to go, what you want your marriage to be. Make plans together to build each other up and grow closer to each other, and to God. It is in Him that the best plans will be found. Proverbs 3:6 says

In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths.

Where will you be next year at this time? The answer will come from how you plan, how hard you work, and how attentive you are to the will of God in your life. The slate is clean though, so you can choose the answers to all these questions. Right now (and with God; Luke 1:37) nothing is impossible!

First Fruits

The world we live in is hectic, and we are all pulled in many directions. Work and school, kids, church functions, hobbies and other responsibilities - we all have (too many) things clamoring for our attention, and thus our time. Jim Rohn said “Rich people have 24 hours a day and poor people have 24 hours a day. The difference between the rich and the poor is in the management of that time.” Time is a God-given resource that, like money, we must be a good steward of.

When it comes to your marriage, is your spouse getting nothing but your leftover time? Too many people wake up, hit the ground running, and don’t stop until they fall, exhausted, back into their bed, leaving little time for the person they have vowed to spend the rest of their life with. What time there is left is low quality, with both spouses spent from the day’s activities. In Proverbs 3:9-10 we are told:

Honor the Lord with your substance and with the first fruits of all your produce; then your barns will be filled with plenty, and your vats will be bursting with wine.

Other than your relationship with God, your marriage is the most important one in your life. The challenge for this month then, is to give your spouse the 'first fruits' of your time!  Doesn’t your spouse deserve the best of what you have to offer? Dustin Riechmann, who runs the Christian marriage site ‘Engaged Marriage’ puts it this way: "Your marriage is more important than your children or your career, so you need to start nourishing it." Notice in the above scripture, that when your first fruits are given, God promises abundance and blessing. Marriage works the same way.

Instead of your only "couple" time coming at night when both partners are exhausted, find time during the day to give yourself to your spouse when you are alert, happy, energetic. Wake up a few minutes early and have a cup of coffee or tea together. Meet for lunch if possible every now and then. My maternal grandparents had a tradition: their kitchen had doors, allowing it to be closed off from the rest of the house. When my grandpa got home from work, he and my grandma would go into the kitchen, ‘banish’ the kids and - well, no one knows what they did. It was THEIR time, and they guarded it zealously. My mom and her siblings knew that there was almost nothing that warranted them intruding on that time; it was sacred. Where can you and your spouse carve out a slice of your day to be a couple? The good news is that meaningful change can happen in as little as 15 minutes. That’s only 1.042% or your day!

We have to change our mindsets from “spending more time together would be nice” to it being essential. Consider: in a recent Asbury Park Press, Anthony D’Ambrosio makes the argument that time you spend on anything non-essential (instead of on your spouse) can amount to cheating. He writes “Sex [with someone else] is cheating, and maybe the most hurtful cause, but have you ever stopped to think that you're being cheated out of your relationship everyday? Lack of communication, attention, passion, intimacy — even lack of love. “

Sobering. It becomes so easy to take our spouse for granted after we’re married and life gets busier and busier. There’s too much else to think about… but, we have a choice, and that choice makes our priorities clear. As Jesus said in Matthew 6:21

Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

What are your treasures? Where is your heart?
You’ll know by answering “On what do you spend your time?”

Serve

The world we live in tries very hard to make us think solely about ourselves. Entire industries are based on marketing campaigns designed to make us think that if only our needs and desires were met, and completely fulfilled, then we would be happy and our lives complete. Ads across all media platforms declare that we need the latest phones, the biggest, highest definition TVs, the fastest internet speeds, the most channels. "You deserve it!" they blare. "You're worth it! You! It's all about you! Look out for number one!"

This self-centeredness can infect all aspects of our lives if we aren't careful to guard our hearts and minds against the constant pressure the world puts on us, both blatantly and subtly, insidiously. We hop from job to job, looking for one that provides us the best pay, the most vacation days, the sweetest benefits package. Not that its wrong in itself to weigh these factors as we make decisions, but are they most important? What about asking where God wants you right now? How about looking for where you can have the most impact, can do the most to usher in the kingdom?  People change churches, and even denominations, looking for one that feeds them, one that makes them feel good about themselves, one whose ministries serve them and their world view. Do they ask where they are being called to work, to affect the lives of those around them? DO they ask where they can start ministries for congregations that are in some way or another underserved?

I think this "me first" attitude is also a factor in the skyrocketing divorce rates in our society. People are quick to throw out a relationship when their needs aren't being met, when their expectations are not fulfilled. The grass being greener on the other side of the proverbial fence is one of Satan’s favorites. People are prone to falling for it because leaving sounds a whole lot easier than working to improve the relationship you're already in.

What if we adopted a modified version of John Kennedy's mantra for our marriages? "Don't ask what your marriage can do for you. Ask what you can do for your marriage." Paraphrasing Andy Stanley from a podcast a while back, "Our goal as husband or wife should be to constantly out-serve our spouse." Christ was speaking in more 'big picture' terms in Mark 9:35

He said to them, “Whoever wants to be first must be last, and servant of all”

but I think the message applies to marriage too. Want to have a great marriage? Want to be a great spouse? Choose - daily - to serve each other. I am not saying be a slave or a doormat. I am not saying completely neglect your own needs. I am saying you should put your spouse's needs first whenever possible. At a leadership conference I recently attended, Krish Dhanam said, "Humility isn't thinking less of yourself; just less often."

So there’s the challenge for this month. Find ways to out-serve your spouse. Not sure of how to do that? Don’t know what he or she might need done, or would really, really appreciate? Do what Kennedy said, and ASK (communication, as always, is key.)