In a children’s message I did a while back, I quoted a page from “The Blue Day Book For Kids.” The book is a brilliant take on getting yourself out of a funk, those days when everything seems to be going wrong. One of the pages suggests standing on your head. It’s a great way, the book says, to see things differently. It goes on to say that more adults should try this.
In the movie Dead Poets’ Society, Robin Williams’ character, a teacher at a private all boys school gets his students to stand on their desks at the beginning of one class. Why? To see the world differently.
Ever notice how many times throughout the gospels Jesus is talking to people and says some version of: You think *this* but I say *THIS* In the sermon on the mount he says several times. “You have heard it said… but I tell you…” His whole ministry seemed to be set upon turning the world of his listeners on its ear, getting them to see things from a different perspective, in the words of Yoda, to “unlearn what they have learned,” which was vitally important if what they had learned was going to keep them out of Heaven!
For the next few articles, I’m going to suggest areas in which we should do a 180 in the way we think things are, as an experiment to see how they can change out marriages, and indeed our lives, for the better.
This month? In Jon Acuff’s book “Start,” he discusses a concept he calls “critic’s math.” It goes like this: 1 negative comment + 1000 compliments = 1 negative comment.
Harsh, but it it how we are wired. We tend to focus on the negative. Acuff points out that for his book prior to "Start" he had over a hundred “5 star” reviews on Amazon, versus three “1 star” reviews. His question: Which ones do you think he had memorized?
So here’s my challenge. Next time you get a compliment from your wife or husband, don’t brush it off. Don’t say - even in jest - “You’re just biased” or “you’re making it up," or "no I'm not." Memorize that compliment. Obsess over it. Write it down and think about the situation in which it was said. Think about why they said it, the nuances of their words, the inflection and tone of their voice. The point is to see yourself through their eyes, to get a different perspective. The point is to stop harping on the negatives, especially the self-imposed ones that AREN’T TRUE. Satan’s area of expertise is lies. He tells them, but it makes his job so much easier when we tell them to ourselves.
Here’s the flip side: if you are not in the habit of giving your spouse compliments, start. Don’t just say “you look pretty,” or “I appreciate you,” either. Get specific. Speak from your heart and let your partner know that you are happy, that you feel blessed that you get to spend the rest of your lives together. Tell them why. Over, and over, and over again.
And if you say these things in a way that inspires memorization, that's even better!
Saturday, August 9, 2014
Friday, June 6, 2014
Temple Maintenance
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 is well known. Paul tells us:
Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.
Verse 18 provides the context for this idea; it is talking specifically about sexual sin as using the body in ways that dishonor God instead of honoring him. What if we took the architectural metaphor further though? What if this idea of our bodies as temples had more far-reaching implications?
Instead of just focusing on the use of the building (in this case, our bodies) let’s think of its upkeep and maintenance; structures need to be taken care of. They need to be cleaned, re-painted and re-roofed. They will occasionally need new furnaces or air conditioning units, and have broken pipes fixed. Sometimes floor joists and roof rafters rot out and need to be replaced, or someone punches through wall board, and the resultant hole requires patching and refinishing. Plus, the utility bills must be paid, so there is fuel to keep all the systems running smoothly.
Our temples of the Holy Spirit, our bodies, are no different. Cleanliness is next to godliness, it is said. Keeping ourselves clean not only helps to maintain our physical attractiveness to our spouse, (and keeps us from offending other people we have to interact with!) but it can help keep us healthy too. Exercise is also “temple maintenance.” Like a building left vacant slowly erodes, so do muscles that go unused atrophy and weaken. Injuries must be tended to, and sometimes rehabilitation is necessary to restore full function to a body part or system. Food keeps all systems functioning, and making healthy choices can accomplish many things beyond simple refueling. It can help fight off disease, purge harmful substances and cleanse the body.
It our responsibility to keep our bodies in good working order. The better we function, the better we can do the kingdom work God has set aside for us to do. We don’t have to do it alone though; it can be a source of joy, and a way to foster deeper intimacy if we do things with our spouse. Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo (of the ONE Extraordinary Marriage podcast) list “recreational intimacy” among the six different types of intimacy that strengthen the bond between husband and wife. (In their book Stripped Down) Exercise together! Go for walks (or runs!) or take yoga, or a self-defense class. Challenge each other in tennis or squash, or work as a team and challenge other couples.
Make it a goal to have fun, and the health benefits will come without it even seeming like work!
Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.
Verse 18 provides the context for this idea; it is talking specifically about sexual sin as using the body in ways that dishonor God instead of honoring him. What if we took the architectural metaphor further though? What if this idea of our bodies as temples had more far-reaching implications?
Instead of just focusing on the use of the building (in this case, our bodies) let’s think of its upkeep and maintenance; structures need to be taken care of. They need to be cleaned, re-painted and re-roofed. They will occasionally need new furnaces or air conditioning units, and have broken pipes fixed. Sometimes floor joists and roof rafters rot out and need to be replaced, or someone punches through wall board, and the resultant hole requires patching and refinishing. Plus, the utility bills must be paid, so there is fuel to keep all the systems running smoothly.
Our temples of the Holy Spirit, our bodies, are no different. Cleanliness is next to godliness, it is said. Keeping ourselves clean not only helps to maintain our physical attractiveness to our spouse, (and keeps us from offending other people we have to interact with!) but it can help keep us healthy too. Exercise is also “temple maintenance.” Like a building left vacant slowly erodes, so do muscles that go unused atrophy and weaken. Injuries must be tended to, and sometimes rehabilitation is necessary to restore full function to a body part or system. Food keeps all systems functioning, and making healthy choices can accomplish many things beyond simple refueling. It can help fight off disease, purge harmful substances and cleanse the body.
It our responsibility to keep our bodies in good working order. The better we function, the better we can do the kingdom work God has set aside for us to do. We don’t have to do it alone though; it can be a source of joy, and a way to foster deeper intimacy if we do things with our spouse. Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo (of the ONE Extraordinary Marriage podcast) list “recreational intimacy” among the six different types of intimacy that strengthen the bond between husband and wife. (In their book Stripped Down) Exercise together! Go for walks (or runs!) or take yoga, or a self-defense class. Challenge each other in tennis or squash, or work as a team and challenge other couples.
Make it a goal to have fun, and the health benefits will come without it even seeming like work!
Friday, April 4, 2014
Dreams, Part II
Dreams are vital… so much so that this is the third time I’ve written about them! A few years ago I pointed out that the dreams we have while sleeping help us to sift through all the information that we absorb over the course of a day, and it is when we are in this deep sleep that our brains recharge. The dreams we have while awake serve a similar function for our spirit, allowing us to process, to recharge. Both other times I’ve written on this topic, I’ve stressed that in marriage, sharing dreams with our spouse is critical. Dreams that don’t get shared wither… or worse, fester. Why then, would anybody not share their dreams with the person they have chose to spend the rest of their life with?
If a marriage has not always been a place of safety, fear could be a reason; fear of what the other person will think, of rejection. When a marriage isn’t a place where transparency is valued, where openness is cultivated and honesty treasured a spouse could fear that his or her dream would not be taken seriously. Rather than risk the disappointment of their dream going unfulfilled they don’t share. A dream can’t be crushed if it is never set in motion, never released from the confines of one’s soul. Of course, it can’t ever be realized if not set free either.
Maybe the intent is there to share, but we wait; for the right time, for our spouse to seem ‘receptive’ to new ideas, for when the various complications that life is throwing at us right now to get settled. We wait for when the kids are older, or out of the house. We wait for when we are more financially comfortable, for when we don’t have to work these long hours all the time. We wait. And the clock ticks, and days, months, years go by. Sometimes we forget we had that dream at all.
Bruce Lee said "When you spend too much time thinking about a thing, you'll never get it done." We must take action, or else our dreams will never come to fruition. We are not guaranteed a tomorrow, so waiting until things are perfect - or even just better - is eroding our chances of seeing our dreams realized.
Make a pact with your spouse. Set aside time on a regular basis to share dreams. Little dreams, big dreams, practical dreams and absolutely outlandish dreams. Wholesome dreams and racy dreams, bedroom dreams and whole, wide world dreams. Speaking them aloud will make them real. Praying out loud has a profound effect on your soul; you must commit to a prayer to speak it. Talking about your dreams will have a similar impact. You must own it; speaking it aloud gives it a life it would never have attained if it remained only in your head or heart
Not all dreams come true, but some will - if they are acted on! Every dream that remains just a dream will grow stale, and eventually die. We dream what we dream for a reason; it is part and parcel of who we are, of how we are made... fearfully and wonderfully. They are among the gifts that God has given us. We honor our creator by taking them seriously, by acting on them, by striving to make them real. Some may even be part of our very purpose for being placed on this earth.
Treat them as that important, and see what happens.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Dream a Little Dream
Did you dream about what your marriage would be like? As a child? On your wedding day? People dream about what their wedding will be like, but fewer dream about their marriage -at least not in great detail. Sure, there are probably vague notions, like “we’ll have lots of fun together” or “we’ll be best friends” but what about specifics? Maybe they’re not conscious thoughts, or maybe people aren’t even aware they have them, but they are there, and if they are not acknowledged, the only time they will come into play is when a spouse doesn’t meet one of them, or worse breaks one of the “rules.” It’s hard to play by the rules if you don’t know what the rules are - or even if there ARE rules at all!
It is essential therefore that we know what our ideas about marriage are, our needs and wants and desires, and also that we communicate these to our spouse. It is not at all fair to hold someone to a standard that is undefined, only penalizing them in some way when they run afoul of the nebulous list in our head.
We must search our own hearts, and in some way define what our “rules” are. We must know what we want and need out of our union, and then we must communicate it to our spouse… repeatedly. Politicians make yearly “state of the-” speeches to talk about what has gone in in the past year, and to set a course for the year ahead. Presidents make the talks about the union, governors about their state; why don’t we do the same with our marriages? I think that having these talks regularly will do good on multiple levels. They provide a reason for self-evaluation: have your needs changed? Your desires? Do you have new goals you want to accomplish as a person or a couple? These need to be shared. These talks also will provide an opportunity to address issues like mis-communications and misunderstandings, and help to make a plan on how to better work together going forward.
Setting the stage for these talks is important. They can’t be sprung on one another; there must be an atmosphere of openness, of honesty. Both sides should be able to speak knowing they will be listened to, and listen knowing that the goal is to increase understanding and love. The attitude of both should be centered in the words of 1 Corinthians 13:7-8, that love
...bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things, and never fails
Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo of the ONE Extraordinary Marriage podcast have available multiple resources to help foster this type of communication, but it comes down to just talking to one another. Seek to really understand what your spouse is saying, and seek to make clear the things that are on your heart. God wants your union to be everything that each of you desire, for when you are loving each other fully, your marriage becomes the picture of what his love is to the world around you. It should be so good that people ask “What’s your secret?” and you can answer “God is good!”
So dream a little dream… dream a BIG dream! And then, together, make it come true.
http://youtu.be/gAIIKuSI2Z0
It is essential therefore that we know what our ideas about marriage are, our needs and wants and desires, and also that we communicate these to our spouse. It is not at all fair to hold someone to a standard that is undefined, only penalizing them in some way when they run afoul of the nebulous list in our head.
We must search our own hearts, and in some way define what our “rules” are. We must know what we want and need out of our union, and then we must communicate it to our spouse… repeatedly. Politicians make yearly “state of the-” speeches to talk about what has gone in in the past year, and to set a course for the year ahead. Presidents make the talks about the union, governors about their state; why don’t we do the same with our marriages? I think that having these talks regularly will do good on multiple levels. They provide a reason for self-evaluation: have your needs changed? Your desires? Do you have new goals you want to accomplish as a person or a couple? These need to be shared. These talks also will provide an opportunity to address issues like mis-communications and misunderstandings, and help to make a plan on how to better work together going forward.
Setting the stage for these talks is important. They can’t be sprung on one another; there must be an atmosphere of openness, of honesty. Both sides should be able to speak knowing they will be listened to, and listen knowing that the goal is to increase understanding and love. The attitude of both should be centered in the words of 1 Corinthians 13:7-8, that love
...bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things, and never fails
Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo of the ONE Extraordinary Marriage podcast have available multiple resources to help foster this type of communication, but it comes down to just talking to one another. Seek to really understand what your spouse is saying, and seek to make clear the things that are on your heart. God wants your union to be everything that each of you desire, for when you are loving each other fully, your marriage becomes the picture of what his love is to the world around you. It should be so good that people ask “What’s your secret?” and you can answer “God is good!”
So dream a little dream… dream a BIG dream! And then, together, make it come true.
http://youtu.be/gAIIKuSI2Z0
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
HWJL
Our society is doing a very poor job in teaching boys to be men, and teaching men to be husbands. We elevate rugged individuals, loners who will do whatever it takes to get the job done for the sake of a job or to win a game. Relationally the message seems to always be “make yourself happy.” Find someone who will love you for you, who won’t try and change you. Advertisements abound for products that will make you “irresistible,” removing the possibility you will have to work for a fulfilling romance. Media continues to show a very narrow range of male characters, few of them have any redeeming qualities. Husbands and fathers are almost always portrayed as buffoons with eye rolling, long-suffering wives. Where are images of men sacrificing? Of men serving? Of men loving in any real, tangible, Godly way? We are given this picture very clearly in Ephesians 5:25, 28-29:
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her...
In the same way, husbands should love their wives as they do their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hates his own body, but he nourishes and tenderly cares for it, just as Christ does the church
Are we are loving our wives like that? Jesus’ work was completely for the church. In our own lives, and in respect to our marriages that is not always possible. Yes, we work to support our families but is all our work to the betterment of our wives, all for the building up of our unions? Probably not. This is not wrong in and of itself, but if we are placing work above our spouse on our priority list, there is a problem. Men who constantly feel they need to work at the expense of their marriage need to examine their priorities, and question what is really important. Our households, our families, our wives must come before work. We vowed to love, honor and cherish our spouses. We made no such vows to bosses, businesses or career goals. This same point holds true for other things; ministry and missions, volunteer service, hobbies and other interests are a problem if we are neglecting our wives to pursue them.
There will be times when what we have to do for the health of our marriages will be uncomfortable, or unpleasant. There are times fulfilling those vows will be painful, where they will exact a high cost. We must do them anyway. In the garden of Gethsemane Jesus was faced with a defining moment in his ministry. Knowing that he must go to suffer and die, he prayed fervently, sweating blood and asking that God find another way. Throwing himself to the ground he cried out (in Matthew 26:39)
Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me
It is one of the most human moments in the entire story of Christ’s time on Earth, but as an illustration that he was no ordinary man, he continues:
yet not what I want but what you want.
Jesus accepts God’s will, and does what is necessary to carry out God’s plan. He has faith that plan is perfect, even though it will cost him everything. He goes forth with dignity, willingly paying the utmost price. Jesus gave his life for his bride. Would you do the same? Are you choosing - daily - to lay down your life for the woman you chose to marry?
Jesus loved the church by giving his all for it. He led his bride by always putting her needs before his own, even when faced with the ultimate cost. We as husbands are called to do no less for our wives. Her needs, and the welfare of our marriages must come first, must take priority over work, over service, over hobbies, over family, friends or any other earthly relationship. God must take first place in our lives, but our wives are next. (And of course it is only through the first relationship that we are able to honor the second.)
The second part of the verse calls us to love our wives like we love ourselves. “No one hates their own body,” we are told, “but nourishes and tenderly cares for it.” In the context of marriage this makes perfect sense. Two individuals become one flesh. What we do to our spouse, we do to ourselves. Are you nourishing and tenderly caring for your wife? Are you building her up and encouraging her? Or are you breaking her down? Insulting her? Criticizing, demeaning or mocking her? Are you sarcastic, belittling or condescending in how you talk to her? If so, you need to stop. Now.
You need to ask her forgiveness, search your heart, and remember the vows you made. You need to recommit yourself to fulfill them. Here is a simple litmus test:
If your wife does not say that you are the best thing that ever happened to her, you are failing as a husband and a man. Humble yourself before her, and vow to try harder. Starting today. And don’t worry about how long it’s been since you were on the right track. Don’t ever think that it’s too late to start over, to love your wife the way you are called to and have the marriage you both long for. Take comfort in God’s word spoken through the prophet Joel (Joel 2:12, 25)
“Even now,” declares the Lord, “return to me with all your heart
“I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten"
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her...
In the same way, husbands should love their wives as they do their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hates his own body, but he nourishes and tenderly cares for it, just as Christ does the church
Are we are loving our wives like that? Jesus’ work was completely for the church. In our own lives, and in respect to our marriages that is not always possible. Yes, we work to support our families but is all our work to the betterment of our wives, all for the building up of our unions? Probably not. This is not wrong in and of itself, but if we are placing work above our spouse on our priority list, there is a problem. Men who constantly feel they need to work at the expense of their marriage need to examine their priorities, and question what is really important. Our households, our families, our wives must come before work. We vowed to love, honor and cherish our spouses. We made no such vows to bosses, businesses or career goals. This same point holds true for other things; ministry and missions, volunteer service, hobbies and other interests are a problem if we are neglecting our wives to pursue them.
There will be times when what we have to do for the health of our marriages will be uncomfortable, or unpleasant. There are times fulfilling those vows will be painful, where they will exact a high cost. We must do them anyway. In the garden of Gethsemane Jesus was faced with a defining moment in his ministry. Knowing that he must go to suffer and die, he prayed fervently, sweating blood and asking that God find another way. Throwing himself to the ground he cried out (in Matthew 26:39)
Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me
It is one of the most human moments in the entire story of Christ’s time on Earth, but as an illustration that he was no ordinary man, he continues:
yet not what I want but what you want.
Jesus accepts God’s will, and does what is necessary to carry out God’s plan. He has faith that plan is perfect, even though it will cost him everything. He goes forth with dignity, willingly paying the utmost price. Jesus gave his life for his bride. Would you do the same? Are you choosing - daily - to lay down your life for the woman you chose to marry?
Jesus loved the church by giving his all for it. He led his bride by always putting her needs before his own, even when faced with the ultimate cost. We as husbands are called to do no less for our wives. Her needs, and the welfare of our marriages must come first, must take priority over work, over service, over hobbies, over family, friends or any other earthly relationship. God must take first place in our lives, but our wives are next. (And of course it is only through the first relationship that we are able to honor the second.)
The second part of the verse calls us to love our wives like we love ourselves. “No one hates their own body,” we are told, “but nourishes and tenderly cares for it.” In the context of marriage this makes perfect sense. Two individuals become one flesh. What we do to our spouse, we do to ourselves. Are you nourishing and tenderly caring for your wife? Are you building her up and encouraging her? Or are you breaking her down? Insulting her? Criticizing, demeaning or mocking her? Are you sarcastic, belittling or condescending in how you talk to her? If so, you need to stop. Now.
You need to ask her forgiveness, search your heart, and remember the vows you made. You need to recommit yourself to fulfill them. Here is a simple litmus test:
If your wife does not say that you are the best thing that ever happened to her, you are failing as a husband and a man. Humble yourself before her, and vow to try harder. Starting today. And don’t worry about how long it’s been since you were on the right track. Don’t ever think that it’s too late to start over, to love your wife the way you are called to and have the marriage you both long for. Take comfort in God’s word spoken through the prophet Joel (Joel 2:12, 25)
“Even now,” declares the Lord, “return to me with all your heart
“I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten"
Monday, November 11, 2013
Play To Win
When I used to ride my mountain bike a lot, I discovered something: steep descents can be nerve-wracking. They are scary, causing visions of contusions and concussions, bloody knees and broken bones to dance in your head. What I discovered is, paradoxically, the more you try to be careful, the greater your chance to crash and burn. Hesitancy causes as many wipeouts as the terrain. Not committing, second guessing your path, killing your momentum with ill-timed braking when you would have just flown right over an obstacle, these all can put you in painful contact with the scenery.
I enjoy football too, and there is something that always drives me crazy: when your team is leading, their opponent has the ball, the game is winding down - and your team goes into the (dreaded) PREVENT DEFENSE. It’s a scheme that is supposed to “bend but not break;” it is designed to preserve the win. What it really does is let the opposition march down the field 10-15 yards at a time, giving them a shot to win. While it is meant to prevent the other team from scoring, it manages to let them get into position to do just that! My dad and I always said (in venom-dripping tones of anger and disgust) that “all the prevent defense prevents... IS YOU FROM WINNING.”
Both of these examples highlight an important truth in sport, in life, and in relationships. When you play “not to lose,” it’s nearly impossible to win. The lack of commitment kills the chance to succeed. The Israelites played not to lose against Goliath, and how’d that work? They were shamed by a boy who played to win, a boy who had faith that with God, he could not fail. Playing not to lose acknowledges losing as a possibility or, put another way, it shows a lack of faith in your ability to win. Focusing on the negative can quickly become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
God has a plan for our marriages, and that plan is definitely for both spouses “to win.” However we, as the players, need to implement his plan, make it a reality. Luckily for us, the whole game plan is laid out in the Bible, from the Song of Solomon to Ephesians, Psalms to 1 Corinthians. That’s not to say it’s easy. Often we think that we can do things our way and still have it work. Despite being implored to not rely on our own understanding, or to be wise in our own eyes (Proverbs 3:5,7) we still believe we know better than our creator. We know we are called to forgive but we don’t want to seem weak, so we withhold forgiveness. We hold grudges thinking to punish those who hurt us. We know we are called to love unconditionally as Jesus loved us, but we want what we want, so we make our affection conditional (often without even informing our spouse of what those conditions are). What we are called to do is the opposite. To approach our marriage not for what we can get from it, from our spouse, but what we can give. We need to go out of our way to learn everything about our spouses, and with that knowledge choose to love them like they need, like only we can. What we need to do is believe that God’s promises are real. We need to believe that doing marriage God’s way will lead to our unions being blessed.
The things we are called to do are risky. They make us vulnerable, and open the very real possibility that we will get hurt. If our efforts are not being reciprocated, it can be draining. Paul tells us though, Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary. (Galatians 6:9) When we try to protect ourselves, we hold back. We aren’t completely committed. In so doing we fall short of God’s plan. It’s playing not to lose. And we won’t win.
I enjoy football too, and there is something that always drives me crazy: when your team is leading, their opponent has the ball, the game is winding down - and your team goes into the (dreaded) PREVENT DEFENSE. It’s a scheme that is supposed to “bend but not break;” it is designed to preserve the win. What it really does is let the opposition march down the field 10-15 yards at a time, giving them a shot to win. While it is meant to prevent the other team from scoring, it manages to let them get into position to do just that! My dad and I always said (in venom-dripping tones of anger and disgust) that “all the prevent defense prevents... IS YOU FROM WINNING.”
Both of these examples highlight an important truth in sport, in life, and in relationships. When you play “not to lose,” it’s nearly impossible to win. The lack of commitment kills the chance to succeed. The Israelites played not to lose against Goliath, and how’d that work? They were shamed by a boy who played to win, a boy who had faith that with God, he could not fail. Playing not to lose acknowledges losing as a possibility or, put another way, it shows a lack of faith in your ability to win. Focusing on the negative can quickly become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
God has a plan for our marriages, and that plan is definitely for both spouses “to win.” However we, as the players, need to implement his plan, make it a reality. Luckily for us, the whole game plan is laid out in the Bible, from the Song of Solomon to Ephesians, Psalms to 1 Corinthians. That’s not to say it’s easy. Often we think that we can do things our way and still have it work. Despite being implored to not rely on our own understanding, or to be wise in our own eyes (Proverbs 3:5,7) we still believe we know better than our creator. We know we are called to forgive but we don’t want to seem weak, so we withhold forgiveness. We hold grudges thinking to punish those who hurt us. We know we are called to love unconditionally as Jesus loved us, but we want what we want, so we make our affection conditional (often without even informing our spouse of what those conditions are). What we are called to do is the opposite. To approach our marriage not for what we can get from it, from our spouse, but what we can give. We need to go out of our way to learn everything about our spouses, and with that knowledge choose to love them like they need, like only we can. What we need to do is believe that God’s promises are real. We need to believe that doing marriage God’s way will lead to our unions being blessed.
The things we are called to do are risky. They make us vulnerable, and open the very real possibility that we will get hurt. If our efforts are not being reciprocated, it can be draining. Paul tells us though, Let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we will reap if we do not grow weary. (Galatians 6:9) When we try to protect ourselves, we hold back. We aren’t completely committed. In so doing we fall short of God’s plan. It’s playing not to lose. And we won’t win.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Intimacy
If we are to take every thought captive, and make it obedient to Christ (per 2 Corinthians 10:5) what does that entail? If we are going to have every thought work towards increasing intimacy in our marriages, what does that mean? To understand, we need to look at the word “intimacy.” The Oxford English dictionary lists several definitions, including “closely acquainted; familiar” “involving a very close connection” and “detailed or thorough.” The word first came into usage in the early 17th century says the OED, and is from the Latin intimatus, past participle of intimare - to impress, or make familiar. That comes from intimus or “inmost.” Looking at the Latin roots it is not surprising that in their book Beyond Ordinary, authors Justin and Trisha Davis claim that intimate means “to be fully known.”
There is also the euphemistic definition of “having a sexual relationship,” which in the terms of marriage discussions tends to be the one assumed. After all, that’s what it means to be “known in the Biblical sense.” Reducing intimacy to just a physical component, though, sells the word short. If you take the Davis’ assumption that the meaning is to be fully known, it obviously has to encompass more than sex.
In their book Stripped Down (13 Keys to Unlock Intimacy in Your Marriage) Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo posit that there are six main types of Intimacy:
Emotional This has to do with a sharing of feelings and desires. Are you honest enough with yourself to really know what these are? Is your marriage a place where they can be discussed openly and honestly?
Intellectual Are you and your spouse on the same page with the big issues in your marriage? From raising children, to ministry, to goals that you share, these are important to discuss at the outset of your lives together, and revisit them regularly. As time goes by, the things you focus on may change.
Spiritual Do you and your spouse share the same faith and beliefs? Do you pray together? Can you have meaningful discussions on the important matters of being human?
Recreational Do you and your spouse do things together? Do you play the same games, enjoy going out to similar places? You don’t need to have identical interests, but finding things you both enjoy doing together can go a long way to strengthening a marriage.
Financial This one will make some people cringe. It can be a very touchy subject. It, (along with the last one below) account for a disproportionately large percentage of arguments among married couples. It is extremely important though to be on the same page with regards to money matters. Do you have a budget? Long term goals? Do both spouses know what comes in and out each month? Can you talk about it?
Physical The one that immediately comes to mind when people hear “intimacy” but it means more than just sex. Holding hands, cuddling on the couch, long hugs in times of stress and passionate kisses before one or the other leaves for work all are included. Non-sexual touch goes a long way to strengthening the bond between spouses… and hey, sometimes it leads to the other kind, too.
Even this list of six types of intimacy is not exhaustive. Remember, the aim is to know each other completely, and humans are extremely complex, fearfully and wonderfully made. Think of how the God who created us knows each of us, as in written in Psalm 139:1-3:
You have searched me, Lord, and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
Not some of my ways, not most… all. Marriage is at it’s absolute best when spouses truly know each other. It takes dedication, over a lifetime, to continually seek to learn about the person you chose to spend that life with. We must never get complacent, must never think we know everything about our spouse. When it comes to how we can love each other, there is always more to learn.
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