QUARANTINE

These are bizarre times we live in; historic, unprecedented in our lifetimes, and positively weird. There is no way the massive upheavals in our lives would not affect all of our relationships in some way, and for married couples that is even more true. Suddenly, with no time to prepare, we are living in closer proximity to our spouses, and for longer periods of time than maybe we ever have. Better or worse, sicker or poorer, all those still apply - but now the words are put to the test… Did we really MEAN them? For those lucky enough to have jobs working from home, we now need to figure out how to live and work around each other. For those who have lost jobs there is the added uncertainty of what the future will hold casting a pall on daily life. For those couples where one - or both - spouses are first responders there is concern about exposure to the virus, lack of essential gear, and countless other issues that could have devastating consequences.

We are all, the whole world, affected in some way by the pandemic. How we react to these conditions will have long lasting effects on our lives. In China, coming out of quarantine has led to waiting lists at the divorce lawyers’ offices, suggesting we must give some thought to how we “do” marriage in these strange days. It is hard to set out any specifics, as every couple’s situation will be unique to them, but certain things are essential. These may include:

Schedules. As we are now sharing the same spaces in our homes, it is important to figure out ways to share them. If a space (like a work space) must be shared, then make a schedule of how that will occur. It is also critical to demarcate alone time for all parties, which is all the more necessary when spending (seemingly) every waking moment with each other. Understand the need for personal time to pray or meditate, to exercise, to read, to decompress, to breathe. Then, as Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7, come together again.

Speaking of time everyone will need plenty of it to process what the “new normal” is, what it means, and to adjust and adapt to it. Give each other that time - and space. 1 Corinthians 13 should be essential reading during this period. Love is patient, love is kind, love isn’t arrogant and doesn’t demand its own way.

As you are making the rules (or at least setting guidelines) set boundaries. Don’t wait until someone’s toes get stepped on (literally or metaphorically) and a fight starts. Figure out what each person’s spatial needs are to be active and productive, to be able to do what they need to do and not feel crowded. When conflict does happen, remember to fight fair. Focus on behaviors, not character. Focus on how you are feeling, without judgement on the other person.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, SHOW EACH OTHER GRACE. As critical as this always is in marriage (and life!) it is even more so in these times when people are scared, stressed, and trying their best to make everything work as best it can, even as things change day to day. Give each other the benefit of the doubt! Don’t assume the thing they’re doing that grates on your last nerve is a nefarious plan to drive you over the edge. They are likely overwhelmed by it all too, and might not be thinking clearly much less acting intentionally. As nerves fray and tongues get sharp, remember that you are on the same side, that you are partners, not enemies. Think on Solomon’s words in Ecclesiastes 4, that two are better than one, and a cord of three strands is not easily broken. Man, woman and God, together, can and will survive and overcome.