Longevity II - Purpose

A leadership guru (Darren Hardy) recently posted a video on six behaviors that lead to longevity; not metaphorical, or abstract, but things that actually lead to living longer. I think that many of these behaviors can be adapted or looked at in such a way as to lead to longer (and happier) marriages as well.

The second is purpose! In the movie Matrix: Reloaded the antagonist, Agent Smith (after he has gone rogue and started multiplying himself) says to Neo, the hero, "There's no escaping reason, no denying purpose, for as we both know, without purpose we would not exist. It is purpose that created us, purpose that connects us, purpose that pulls us, that guides us, that drives us; it is purpose that defines, purpose that binds us.”

Is that not true for each of us as well? In the absence of any outside influence, purpose can give us a reason to continue living! How many stories are out there of people who retire, and then with no reason to get up each day, they die shortly after? Without some purpose we’d just meander from activity to activity, not accomplishing anything of note. Each time you choose to undertake any task, any project, any activity, you do it with some purpose in mind. If not, then you are just reacting to what the world throws at you, and drifting aimlessly through your life. The key to leading a life that is truly fulfilling though is to not rely on your own purposes, for they will rarely get you to where you need to go. In Proverbs 19:21 it says:

Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.

To accomplish the work we were put on earth to do, we must align ourselves with God’s purpose for us, for only then can we be truly successful. When we align ourselves with God’s will for us, we do our appointed job to further the coming of his kingdom, but this is for our benefit as well. The well known and oft-quoted Romans 8:28 is sometimes abbreviated as “God works all things for good!” and used to comfort those going through hard times, but this misses a critical part. The whole verse reads:

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

God’s purpose is the important part. Have you accepted his will for you, that you are here on purpose, specifically, to accomplish something for the coming kingdom of God? Whether or not you do, God’s purpose will be fulfilled. If you turn your back on Him, God will find another path to his ultimate goals. Job understood this in the midst of his own trials when he said

I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted. (Job 4:22)

When we get married we join our whole lives with another person; we become “one flesh” with them. As part and parcel of that deal we share in each other’s purpose as well. Their purpose becomes ours and vice versa, and indeed there is a purpose for your union as well as for each spouse. Pray often to understand this, to align your lives with God’s will for you, your spouse and your marriage. Work to actively pursue and accomplish these goals - for they are as much a part of the kingdom coming as your individual ones, and can be critical for your vitality and energy. Paul knew this. In Galatians 4:18 he says:

It is fine to be zealous, provided the purpose is good.

What better purpose is there than God’s, the reason he made you and put you here? The reason you and your spouse fell in love and chose to join with one another?

As for God, his way is perfect.  (Psalm 18:30)

Longevity I - Movement

 A leadership guru recently posted a video on six behaviors that lead to longevity; not metaphorical, or abstract, but things that actually lead to living longer. I think that many of these behaviors can be adapted or looked at in such a way as to lead to longer (and happier) marriages as well.

The first is movement! A doctor recently published an article that stated emphatically that “sitting is the new smoking.” Sedentary lifestyles, long work days in an office chair in front of a computer screen followed by evenings in front of a TV or scrolling through social feeds on our phones are making us less healthy overall and in some cases are literally killing us. I don’t need to go into detail about this - we all know the risks and consequences, but how can this apply to marriage?

First, just as it says; health problems can absolutely lead to relationship struggles. Some health issues are of course unavoidable, but many are completely avoidable! Diet and exercise can go a long way towards limiting and reducing a multitude of potential problems. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 says

Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

A church sexton once told me that he believed how the building and surrounding property looked on the outside spoke to the spiritual health of the congregation. If your body is a temple, are you performing the maintenance required to keep it clean, sturdy and functioning optimally? I am not saying we all need to be athletes and supermodels… Just that we need to invest some time and energy in our health and fitness. You and your spouse could find ways to exercise as a couple; hikes and bike rides, walking the boardwalks and beaches, whatever you both enjoy... do it together! Get some quality time as well as the fitness benefits.

Metaphorically, how does movement apply to being married? Relationships can be sedentary too! Especially over time, spouses can take each other for granted, assume they know all there is to know, think they understand how their partner will act and react, and how to love them accordingly. Behaviors that don’t change though, become ruts and things become stagnant. To avoid stagnation, there are things we can do. Always strive to learn new things about each other. Have scheduled times to check in, to talk about matters great and small. Ask questions like: How are things at work? What are you worried about? Excited for? Scared of? Am I helping enough around the house? With the kids? How can I love you better? Ask questions, and then LISTEN; not to respond but to understand. Then act on what you learn.

Just like how we treat each other can fall into a rut, so too can our activities become dull if they are always the same. Make a point to do new things and experience them together. Shared memories strengthen bonds and can cause the brain to act as it did when the relationship was new. Pastor Tommy Nelson, in his Song of Solomon study said “Relationships are always either improving or regressing. If yours is stagnant, it's actually going backwards.” Be cognizant of the state of your union, and work hard to keep it “moving” in a positive direction!

Little Things

“It’s the little things” is a saying that is bandied about quite a bit, but that is because it’s true! Jesus knew this well, and not only used a parable about it to describe the kingdom of heaven, but also used the principle to carry out his ministry. In Matthew 13:31-32 it says

He told them another parable: “The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed, which a man took and planted in his field. Though it is the smallest of all seeds, yet when it grows, it is the largest of garden plants and becomes a tree, so that the birds come and perch in its branches.”

He knew that small things can have a huge impact. Later in the same book he tells his disciples “if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” (Matthew 17:20) 

In his ministry, he taught in the synagogues, and preached to large crowds, but he called together only twelve to go deep with, that they could establish his church after his death and ascension. Even among the twelve, he separated them into smaller groups. IN Mark 6:7 it says

Calling the Twelve to him, he began to send them out two by two and gave them authority over impure spirits.

Darren Hardy, a leadership author and Success magazine editor says it this way: “The accomplishment of any goal is the compound effect of small steps taken consistently over time.” In marriage, is your goal to have a union that gives joy, that honors God and provides a picture of his love for the world to others? If not, WHY NOT? But if so, what small steps could you be taking consistently over time? Things as small as making the coffee or tea in the morning so your spouse doesn’t have to, putting the kids to bed so they can relax after a hard day, or calling to order a pizza because you know they don’t like making phone calls can make a big difference. Obviously there are as many meaningful “small things” as there are people. Taking the time to know your spouse is never time wasted if you then act on the knowledge gleaned.

People often make the mistake of thinking what’s needed is a huge effort, a grand gesture, some over-the-top display of their love and affection. Sometimes those are nice, but they are not sustainable, and their effect is limited. In geometry a point is just a point, but two points define a line, stretching infinitely in two directions. Three points though, define a plane - infinite in all directions. Each point, seemingly inconsequential alone, exponentially expands what is defined when added to the set.

If you’re not sure what your spouse’s little things are, you could always just ask. “What could I do to make your day easier? What do you need help with? How can I love you better?” Ask often! The situations of our lives change with time… never assume you know all there is to know! We all know the lessons about compound interest when it comes to monetary investment. Consider doing little things for your spouse investments in the awesome marriage you want to have.

Quarantine III - Transformation

As the COVID-19 pandemic stretches on, and we continue wearing masks to shop, social distancing away from our friends and relatives and stay quarantined with our families, there can be less and less doubt that at the end of this - whenever that might be - we will not be simply returning to “normal.” As much as the weirdness of this all makes us think longingly about what was, we can not just go back to it. If we look hard at what was, we might just come to realize that the old way was broken. The pandemic did not break all our systems, but it did lay bare that brokenness. The times we are now going through are giving us a chance to rethink, reorganize, rebuild and create anew.

Is this not how God works? Right there in the beginning when we first “meet” God, he is speaking order into the primordial chaos, and creating. Genesis 1:2-3

The earth was without form and void, and darkness was over the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters. And God said, ‘Let there be light,’ and there was light.

With so much being so different, it is a good time to reevaluate how you are doing marriage. Take an online marriage class or workshop. Read a marriage book together as a way to begin conversations about your relationship. Is it honoring God? Are you serving one another in love. Do things like sex, date nights, casual walk and talks and other husband-wife times need to be scheduled so they fit with the changed and changing work / life conditions. Ask each other what you want your marriage to be, and then work towards that! As always, remain in the Word to be in tune with God’s plans for your lives, individually and together.

It’s not a very big leap to look around at what the current events - from the virus to the protests against police brutality - have done to the world and see chaos everywhere. What we do now, the decisions we make about how to live our lives will shape our future. That is always true of course, but right now the world is at a point where we have unique opportunities to drastically impact what the post-COVID world will look like, indeed what it will be. While we should all be asking big questions about what we want this world to be and how we can be doing work to usher in God’s kingdom, we should also take this time to take stock in our marriages. Work situations may have changed. Jobs may have been lost, or one or both spouses may be working remotely for the time being - or permanently. Kids are home, transitioning from remote learning to summer vacation, putting additional stress on home life as everyone tries to stay out of everyone else’s way.

The world is fraught with chaos right now. It is being God-like, as we are made in his image, to create harmony and beauty from the chaos. Everything we are going through now will be transformational; if we are introspective and intentional about it, it can change us, our marriages and our lives for the better.

Quarantine II: Structure

We are all creatures of habit; the world we inhabit practically demands it. It is so busy, so fast-paced that we must have routines that we follow to get anywhere, get anything done. Without routines, without structure to our day we’d have to think about what to do each moment, and the time spent on those decisions would cause lags in productivity. Einstein famously had seven identical suits so that the decision of what to wear each day was never something he had to spend time or mental energy on, saving those precious commodities for wrestling with the big ideas of physics and relativity.

With the COVID-19 pandemic raging around the world, most if not all of the structures that we had in place were taken away, quite suddenly, leaving many of us flailing. Without the structures and routines we are paralyzed. Fear of the unknown, stress about making ends meet and anxiety about the future feed on us when we suddenly have so much time to think with our normal busyness gone. It is imperative that we create new structures, and even look at the present scenario as a gift - the old pace we tried to live at, was it sustainable? How many of us were always tired, cranky, stressed, feeling we never had enough time to both live life and enjoy it, get important stuff done AND spend some time the way we wanted to, pursuing hobbies or interests that brought us joy?

For married couples this process is doubly important. Two people, now living in closer quarters than usual, both have needs for space, work time, alone time, self care and comfort. Any structures to be built during this time need to accommodate the needs of both spouses (AND any children living in the house too). Before, the structures were largely imposed from the outside - school, activities, work. With everything shut down, we are the source for anything that is to come. Many people struggled with saying “no” to outside bids for their time, energy and resources. The world has now said ‘no’ to everything for us. Not only can we now rebuild our routines for ourselves and our families, we need to also make the most of this chance to critically examine what we will say ‘yes’ to in the future. If we build wisely now, creating routines that allow us time with our spouses and family, hopefully we will carefully consider things that will take that time away from us in the future. Whether things fully open up later this fall, or next year or two years from now, we should aim to have our own marital and familial foundations strengthened and bolstered so as to better withstand the forces of life in this age, this fallen world that will again come against us. Jesus says in Luke 6:47-48

I will show you what someone is like who comes to me, hears my words, and acts on them. That one is like a man building a house, who dug deeply and laid the foundation on rock; when a flood arose, the river burst against that house but could not shake it, because it had been well built.

We have a chance, right now, to consider our foundations and rebuild them not on shifting sand but on rock. Take that chance. Discuss with your husband or wife  what you want your life to look like next month, next year, when things normalize or even if they don’t. Set forth boundaries and guidelines, create new routines that honor God and strengthen your union, that help you build each other up and foster openness, laughter and that allow your love to grow deeper.

QUARANTINE

These are bizarre times we live in; historic, unprecedented in our lifetimes, and positively weird. There is no way the massive upheavals in our lives would not affect all of our relationships in some way, and for married couples that is even more true. Suddenly, with no time to prepare, we are living in closer proximity to our spouses, and for longer periods of time than maybe we ever have. Better or worse, sicker or poorer, all those still apply - but now the words are put to the test… Did we really MEAN them? For those lucky enough to have jobs working from home, we now need to figure out how to live and work around each other. For those who have lost jobs there is the added uncertainty of what the future will hold casting a pall on daily life. For those couples where one - or both - spouses are first responders there is concern about exposure to the virus, lack of essential gear, and countless other issues that could have devastating consequences.

We are all, the whole world, affected in some way by the pandemic. How we react to these conditions will have long lasting effects on our lives. In China, coming out of quarantine has led to waiting lists at the divorce lawyers’ offices, suggesting we must give some thought to how we “do” marriage in these strange days. It is hard to set out any specifics, as every couple’s situation will be unique to them, but certain things are essential. These may include:

Schedules. As we are now sharing the same spaces in our homes, it is important to figure out ways to share them. If a space (like a work space) must be shared, then make a schedule of how that will occur. It is also critical to demarcate alone time for all parties, which is all the more necessary when spending (seemingly) every waking moment with each other. Understand the need for personal time to pray or meditate, to exercise, to read, to decompress, to breathe. Then, as Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7, come together again.

Speaking of time everyone will need plenty of it to process what the “new normal” is, what it means, and to adjust and adapt to it. Give each other that time - and space. 1 Corinthians 13 should be essential reading during this period. Love is patient, love is kind, love isn’t arrogant and doesn’t demand its own way.

As you are making the rules (or at least setting guidelines) set boundaries. Don’t wait until someone’s toes get stepped on (literally or metaphorically) and a fight starts. Figure out what each person’s spatial needs are to be active and productive, to be able to do what they need to do and not feel crowded. When conflict does happen, remember to fight fair. Focus on behaviors, not character. Focus on how you are feeling, without judgement on the other person.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, SHOW EACH OTHER GRACE. As critical as this always is in marriage (and life!) it is even more so in these times when people are scared, stressed, and trying their best to make everything work as best it can, even as things change day to day. Give each other the benefit of the doubt! Don’t assume the thing they’re doing that grates on your last nerve is a nefarious plan to drive you over the edge. They are likely overwhelmed by it all too, and might not be thinking clearly much less acting intentionally. As nerves fray and tongues get sharp, remember that you are on the same side, that you are partners, not enemies. Think on Solomon’s words in Ecclesiastes 4, that two are better than one, and a cord of three strands is not easily broken. Man, woman and God, together, can and will survive and overcome.

Enjoy

Solomon writes in Ecclesiastes 9:9 Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun—all your meaningless days. Obviously this goes for wives and their husbands as well, so the question is, are you? Are you enjoying life with your spouse. If not, why not? All of us can list reasons to not enjoy our lives, married or otherwise. There are countless things to worry about, from the mundane aspects of our everyday existence to sweeping issues that affect the whole world. We are over-scheduled and busy, the faucet is leaking, the car is sputtering, the stock market is down, there’s a global pandemic happening, climate change is slowly killing us all… This fallen world is rife with unrest and pain. We know this though! Nothing about the state of the world is new. Jesus told us that we’d face problems. But he also stresses that we should have hope. In John 16:33 he says I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. Think of your mental state when you are driving home from a long trip, and then compare that to your mental state when you are driving somewhere new and trying to find the address. Knowing where we are heading should ease our hearts and minds as we are heading there.So of course, pray for the world we live in, and do what you can to make it better. We are all responsible for doing work to usher in the kingdom. As you do so, though, make a choice to ENJOY life with your spouse. From making date nights happen regularly, to talking about hopes and dreams, to supporting each other’s interests and fulfilling each other’s desires, find joy in your shared life together. Even when things are hard, if you lean in to the fact that you are a team, and you don’t have to face trials alone but with a partner that has your back, joy can be found. Think of how bonds are strengthened by shared adversity, and know that on the other side of trouble you will be stronger as a couple. Author Alan Cohen wrote “Don’t postpone joy until you have learned all of your lessons. Joy is your lesson.” Make it one you keep learning - until you get it right!

Plans

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

God has a plan for each one of us. By extension, for those of us who are married he also has plans for our marriages, plans “to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us hope and a future.” That said though, we cannot just sit around and wait for God’s plans to come to fruition. When God told Abraham to “go to a land I will show you” and made his promise that Abraham’s descendants would be innumerable, and the whole world would be blessed by them, Abraham packed up and went. Not knowing exactly where he was going, he simply had faith that God would show him where he was supposed to be when the time came. 

We too then, must take steps along our journey in order for God’s plans to come to fruition in our lives. Life is busy, and distracting. With our own schedules, kids’ schedules, work and all the other things going on around us, it is easy to become reactionary, bobbing and weaving with life’s punches to try our best to manage everything. When that happens our spouses, and our marriages, get given the remnants of our time, our effort and our attention.

God has plans for us - and thus so should we.

Young couples often make promises to never do “unromantic” things like schedule sex, or plan for date nights. After all, shouldn’t love be spontaneous? Sure, in Hollywood scripts, romance novels and love songs. (Incidentally, in all those things it is written out, scripted and planned) In real life though, anything worth doing or worth having is worth the time and effort spent to make happen. Time can be budgeted; maybe that’s the origin of the phrase “time is money!” At the beginning of each month, look at the calendar. Put down all the doctor appointments, soccer practices, dance recitals and scout meetings. Put down all the church committee meetings, business trips and other errands. Find time in amongst everything else and dedicate it to each other. Plan to have dinners, see movies, and allow for time to snuggle on the couch and yes, plan to make love to each other. Be intentional, make time for each other. Spontaneous love, sex and romance is great, until it doesn’t happen at all. You can always find ways to surprise each other within the framework of your schedule, so the planning doesn’t make it feel rote or dull.
Have God’s purposes for you and your marriage in your mind as you make your plans, and consider these two verses from Psalm 20:4

May he give you the desire of your heart, and make all your plans succeed.

and Proverbs 16:3

Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans.

God has a plan for you and your spouse. Actively work towards making those plans come to fruition, both for your own benefit and that of the kingdom to come!