Drs. John and Julie Gottman are psychologists and therapists who have focused on the study of marriage for over four decades. John Gottman with a partner has studied thousands of couples and is famous for being able to predict with over 90% certainty what a couple’s happiness level will be in three years AND whether or not a couple will divorce - after an interview lasting only a hour. Even after 15 minutes their prediction success rate was over 80%, and after 3 minutes they were still in the 70% range. They have broken down and analyzed their findings and have come up with four communication styles that they call “the four horsemen” because they can usher in a relationship apocalypse. They are: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt.
Stonewalling
At the height of the curve of criticism and defensiveness, one partner may become overwhelmed, be flooded with emotion and may react with the third horseman - stonewalling. This is when someone completely “checks out” of the conversation or argument. They may look away, become unresponsive, start fiddling with their phone or engaging in other distracted (or distracting) activities. Fighting about the same subjects over and over with no progress being made can lead to stonewalling, as can a perception that the discussions are always negative. In Gottman’s studies, they determine that “masters” of relationships, the people who are most likely to be successful maintain a ratio of 5:1 between positive and negative interactions. As humans we are prone to focusing on negatives, so the disparity between the two is important for there to be positive outcomes. Stonewalling is not just a choice to avoid conflict though. The study noted measurable physiological signs exhibited by stonewallers: increased heart rate, increased stress hormones in the bloodstream, shallow breathing - all the hallmarks of a “flight or fight” response. When this happens, the ability to process information is hampered. Peripheral vision, hearing comprehension and attention span all suffer, and as a result so does the ability to empathize, and to solve problems creatively.
In Gottman’s work (with Dr. Robert Levenson) they found men made up 85% of the participants that exhibited this behavior. Many felt that by continuing to engage in the discussion their input would just make matters worse, and they aimed to just “weather the storm” by ceasing to participate. Of course, when you feel the other person has checked out of a heated discussion that can make matters worse.
The key to dealing with stonewalling is to recognize when you are engaged in it, and take a break. The stonewaller must be able to know when they are checking out, and remove themselves from the stressors that are causing the response. This is not to be looked at as escaping though, since avoiding a problem rarely solves it. It must be with the understanding that once you heart rate comes down and your physiological state is back to baseline, you will return and continue the discussion about the issue at hand. To be effective, the break must involve activities or behaviors that will not foster dwelling on what is bringing you to that point. (Men, again, were most likely to dwell, or “rehearse distress maintaining thoughts.) Taking a walk, playing a game, reading or listening to music were all listed as helpful behaviors. Mindfulness, focused breathing and alternately flexing and relaxing the parts of your body that felt tense also were recommended. All of these fall under the label “self soothing.” Being proficient at them is important not just in romantic relationships but in all of life. If you can recognize when you are overwhelmed, and can intentionally calm yourself you will be more likely to be able to navigate all the stressful situations that life can deal out. If your partner is the one being overwhelmed and tuning you out, you can help by working towards the 5:1 ratio of positive and negative interactions. Think of ways to include more humor, empathy, affection and interest, and you will help the two of you remain connected and engaged. Always remember that you and your spouse are a team, and strive to avoid seeing the relationship as adversarial.
