In his 1937 classic How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie wrote, “You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” How often are we truly interested in our spouse? How often are we still curious about how they see the world, what they think about things, what makes them unique? It is easy after you’ve been with someone for any length of time to think you know them, to think you know how they’ll respond to a question or event, to know what will make them smile, laugh, cry or get upset. The danger in this is that when you think you know the other person, you no longer are curious, you no longer feel the need to learn.
Humans are complex creatures. I’ve written before that I believe marriage was created by God to be for life because it takes a lifetime to truly know another person, even when you live with them. Plus, people change.
We all as humans have good days and bad days, and accordingly our responses to problems, our emotional triggers and even what strikes us as funny can be drastically different from one day to the next. Some months are harder on some people than others. Seasons affect people differently. Year to year we can change jobs, pick up hobbies and drop others, be in different states of health. Over time we grow, and as that happens we are no longer the same. It is said that you can never jump in the same river twice; you may recognize the banks but the water you were in has moved on to the sea. People are similar to rivers in this respect. They may look familiar, but underneath they have seen things, done things, learned and forgotten things, and they have changed to suit.
These changes are usually gradual, and when you live with another person day in and day out they are easy to miss. A sudden change can cause people to take stock though. It is common for a couple who have been pouring their energy into their children and not their marriage to say they “no longer know” their spouse when they are suddenly find themselves empty-nesters. The death of a family member or loss of a job, or any sudden big change can cause such reflection and can be damaging to a relationship if they have been taking each other for granted and assuming they knew their partner. It is crucial to make a habit of talking deeply with your spouse often, and “getting to know them” over and over again. Proverbs 5:18 says May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. Solomon writes in Ecclesiastes 9:9 Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days… God has given you under the sun.
One way to delight and rejoice in your spouse is to seek to learn about them. Find new things to appreciate, seek to understand why they feel and act certain ways, what they love or loathe - and why! Learning new things about your husband or wife can revitalize a relationship that has become stagnant, refresh affection that has gone stale. A professor of mine in graduate school used to always tell us “Never assume you have enough information. There is always more to learn.” The same is true in marriage.
