Communication is often the first casualty.
Two people get married after time spent dating, going out to dinner and talking long after the check arrives, chatting while walking through parks and to and from the car to movies, concerts and parties, spending hours on the phone discussing everything (and nothing). Communication comes easy, and is absolutely key to this stage of a relationship as the future spouses try and get to know each other, determining whether this is the “one” to grow old with. You would think that indelible communication habits would be formed, ways to share ideas and concerns, to learn the other’s heart and open one’s own.
After the wedding though, life sets in. Work schedules and volunteer commitments start to cut into time that was spent on connecting during dating and courtship. Then kids arrive, and life is never the same. Late night feedings, teething induced crying fits, temper tantrums all take up relationship bandwidth that was supporting intimacy. Schedules get fuller and life gets more and more hectic as play dates are replaced by practice schedules, rehearsals and recitals, and soon a couple has seemingly no time to invest in their marriage. The loss of connection and intimacy is bad enough, but the problems that result from that are only solvable by… open and honest communication. Which takes time. Which is already scarce.
With everything already crazy it can seem daunting to find the time to discuss issues or concerns. It takes time but also requires a mindset that is hard to find when you’re stressed and exhausted. It can also seem dangerous to ‘rock the boat.’ The comfort of knowing the situation you’re in is seductive when compared to the unknown of how your spouse might react if you brought up a thorny issue. The sarcastic and trite cliches of “Happy wife, happy life” and “Learn two words: Yes Dear” are born of this mindset - swallow your feelings even if something is bugging you. Just agree to keep the peace.
It’s a lie, though. When issues and concerns are left unvoiced and problems unresolved, they fester. Resentment grows little by little, and when it gets bad enough people claim “irreconcilable differences” and throw the relationship away. Of course the differences were most likely reconcilable if they were addressed when they first became apparent. Proverbs 12:25 says
Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up.
The key is to broach difficult subjects in a manner that does not provoke defensiveness, that fosters openness and honesty, and that seeks common ground and togetherness.
This is the model Christ gives us. As Paul states in Ephesians 4:15
Speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.
Speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.
Marriage is hard work. Talking out hard issues and solving problems is not fun, but it is vital for a relationship to grow and remain healthy and vibrant. Developing habits that lead to frequent emotional and relational checking in with one another allows things that could become serious to be dealt with early and resolved before they become toxic. The work is hard but the fruits of your labor are a union that is fulfilling and joyous, one that truly honors God.
