Incoming new members to our congregation pledge to support our church through their prayers, their presence, their gifts, and their service. What if we made that our mantra for our marriages as well? What would it mean to how we do marriage to pledge to support it in these four areas? More personally what could it mean if we vowed to bless our spouse in these ways?
This one might seem obvious. As married couples we share the same space with each other; we are often in each other’s presence - but how often are we truly PRESENT? Our lives are full of things that can and do take up our time and demand our effort; kids, jobs, house- and yard work, church obligations, even hobbies and friends all demand our attention. That is why we must make the conscious choice to save some of our focus for our spouse. When we are together we should strive to be in that moment with them, unconcerned with the past and not worried about the future. Being present means right here, right now. We vowed at our weddings to forsake all other people. We must also regularly forsake other things in our lives and devote ourselves entirely to our spouse.
When the woman with the alabaster jar was anointing Jesus, some of the disciples’ focus was on what could have been done with the expensive perfume. It could have been sold and the money given to charity! “You will always have the poor,” Jesus admonished. “You will not always have me.” (Matthew 26:11) The woman was blessing Jesus with her presence. The future is not guaranteed. In another passage, Martha was running around preparing to host the disciples. Her sister sat at Jesus’ feet, basking in his presence. “Make her help me!” Martha implored the Lord. “Martha,” he replied. “You are worried and bothered about so many things; but only one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the better part.” Time together is precious. Who upon losing a loved one has ever said “I wish I had done more chores” or “I wish I had spent more time at work”? Carve out time to be together. Protect and cherish that time.
Be mindful how you use that time! Being present means putting down the phone, turning off the computer and the TV, and making eye contact with each other as you talk. And as you talk, LISTEN. Listening to - and really hearing - our spouse as they talk is vital. Whether they are discussing their day or sharing a concern, telling you a hope or recounting a dream, listen. Don’t listen with the goal of simply coming up with a response; listen with the intent to understand. Repeat back what they said with a “is that right?” The biblical euphemism for sex is often the verb “to know,” but what if that isn’t just the authors being coy? What if intimacy really demands deep knowledge? How do we achieve that level of ‘knowing’ our partner? We start by listening to them when they speak.
Being present with each other means more than just being in the same room, even if all the distractions are removed. Face each other as you talk. Hold hands. Embrace each other. Be aware of the physical contact. Be mindful of each other’s breathing, the temperature of their skin, how the light reflects in their eyes and defines their features, even how they smell. Read how Solomon and his wife describe each other on the Song of Songs; not one of the five senses is left out.
“For your love is better than wine, your anointing oils are fragrant” (Song 1:2-3)
“When I found him whom my soul loves. I held him, and would not let him go” (Song 3:4)
“Your lips are like a crimson thread, and your mouth is lovely. Your cheeks are like halves of a pomegranate behind your veil.” (Song 4:3)
“His speech is most sweet, and he is altogether desirable.” (Song 5:16)
Being present, being in each other’s presence, means paying attention to the details of each other and savoring them. You chose to spend the rest of your life with your husband or wife. You are each other’s to have and hold, to love and cherish. You are each other’s to enjoy. Reflect on this gift you’ve been given, and choose to bless your spouse with your presence.
